Full House Scripts - Season 1

DJ and Stephanie are in their room with Kimmy
DJ: So Kimmy, we've got to be the first ones in class tomorrow to get the seats in the back row.
Kimmy: Okay, why?
DJ: Because it's the best place to pass notes.
Kimmy: I love the way your mind works.
Stephanie is sorting through her clothing on her bed.
Stephanie; This outfit is all wrong.  Tomorrow's the first day of kindergarten and I have nothing to wear.
DJ: Your bed is full of clothes.
Stephanie: Yeah but they're not me.  Well, they're me, but they're the preschool me.
Kimmy: I'll sit anywhere you want, as long as it's not near Arthur Wilcox.
DJ + Kimmy: Arthur Wilcox, ewwwwwwww!
Stephanie: (walks to DJ's bed) Who's Arthur Wilcox?
DJ + Kimmy Ewwwwwwww!
DJ: Stephanie please, Kimmy and I are talking about school.
Stephanie: So am I. What if I walk into class wearing a goofy outfit, and everyone says ‘Stephanie Tanner, ewwwwww!'?
DJ: Would you stop worrying? Kindergarten is so easy.  The only thing you have to know is the pledge of allegiance.
Stephanie: What?
DJ + Kimmy: (rise from the bed, speaking very fast) I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Stephanie: I'm dead meat.
Jesse and Joey enter, Jesse is holding a very messy Michelle
Jesse: Kimmy, your mom's downstairs.
Joey: She said you were supposed to be home a half an hour ago.
Kimmy: Uh oh, that's the third time today.  She's going to kill me.
DJ: Don't panic, just set your watch back one half hour.
Kimmy: I love the way your mind works.  (exits the room)
Stephanie: (wearing a blue sweater, jeans, and a brown jacket) Uncle Jesse, how do I look?
Jesse: Like a bag lady.
DJ: What happened to Michelle?
Jesse: Well, your sister Michelle tried to eat her dinner by pushing it through her face.
Joey: Yeah. We'd better give her a bath.
Jesse: That's a good idea Do we know how to do that?
Joey: Sure, it's just like giving a puppy a bath, only there's a little less tail to clean.

Later that night, DJ is asleep. Stephanie shines a flashlight in her face.
Stephanie: DJ, are you asleep?
DJ: I can't tell.  I think I'm blind.
Stephanie: Will you look at one more outfit?
DJ: Stephanie, I've seen your entire wardrobe twice.
Stephanie: Okay, want to listen to the pledge.  I pledge allegiance to the flag, of some states of America 
DJ: (DJ picks up Stephanie and puts her in her own bed) I am going to tuck you in, very tight.
Stephanie: and to the public which understands
with God and liberty I'm dead meat!

Jesse and Joey have finished Michelle's bath.
Jesse: Okay she's clean.  You could eat off this baby (puts Michelle in the basinet).
Joey: Hey Jesse, thanks for helping me out with the baby.
Jesse: No problem, I've got a date tonight with a dancer, but not until midnight.
Joey: Another exotic dancer?
Jesse: For your information Joseph, I happen to be dating a ballerina. (Joey stares) Okay, she's a topless ballerina.  Good luck tonight.
Joey: Yeah, tonight 9:30.  This could be the big break I've been waiting for Jesse.  I've been at this comedy stuff since I was 4 years old when I did my first impression.  Ever since then all I've wanted to do is make people happy.  Does this make any sense to you?
Jesse: Oh yeah, I know what you're saying.  You see Joey, you're talking about that magical moment when all of the sudden you know what you want to do with your life.  Happened to me when I was six.  Turned the TV on, and there was Elvis Pressley, the King Creole.  Anyway, Elvis made me feel that music was something special you know.  I've got to be honest with you, when he started singing Hardheaded Woman, forget about it, I was touched.  It was like, it was like this (stands up in the tub and starts trying to sing and dance like Elvis).
Joey: Jesse, you are great man.  You've got all the moves
Jesse: Well, I feel it you know.  I feel it, and I'm doing this lip thing, you know, which is new.
Joey: Sing another song.  Would you please, for Michelle? She loves music.
Jesse: Alright, I need a scarf.  I need (takes a towel off the rack).  Here we go. Alright, get a load of this.  (singing) Love me tender, love me sweat (throws the towel over Michelle).  Never let me go.  You have me, and I have you too.  And I love you so.  Love me tender, love me (Danny enters the room).
Danny: Oh my God!
Jesse: What! We were just giving the kid a bath!
Danny: Then why isn't she in the tub?
Jesse: Because Joey's in the tub, and I'm in the tub, and there's not enough room for, you know all of us!
Danny: It's obvious, I I really am intruding.  I'm going to go and put Michelle in her crib (kisses Michelle), I'm going to go check on my other girls, and just leave you two sailors to your suds and your singing.  (Danny leaves, Jesse resumes singing)

Danny enters DJ and Stephanie's room
Stephanie: Hi daddy!
DJ: (sleepy) Hi dad.
Danny: (turns on a light) Why is everybody awake?
DJ: I'll show you (flips the covers off of Stephanie's bed).
Stephanie: (wearing a bright pink dress, carrying a lunchbox, rises from bed) I'm ready for school!
Danny: Honey, you're ready for the prom.
Stephanie: You said this would look good.
DJ: Hey, if you can't have fun with your little sister, then what's the point in having one?

Next morning, Danny is in the kitchen, Jesse and Joey enter.
Danny: Good morning boys.
Joey: Mornin' Pa, Hoss.
Jesse: Little Joe.
Danny: How did it go last night?
Joey: Well, I started out great, but right in the middle I
Danny: No.  No, I meant in the bathtub with Hoss.
Jesse: Look, I finished Love Me Tender, we did a short medley from Viva Las Vegas, and got the hell out of the tub.
DJ and Stephanie enter the kitchen.
DJ: Dad, we're all ready.
Danny: Girls, I don't want to brag, but Chef Boy-r-dad has made some super great lunches for a super great first day of school.  And you know what Stephanie, for you, I've got a brand new lunchbox! (shows Stephanie a ‘Jetsons' lunchbox)
Stephanie: The Jetsons!
Joey takes the lunchbox, imitates the sound of the Jetson jet car as he gives it to Stephanie.
Joey: (imitating George Jetson) Hi, I'm home.  Hi Jane, hi Elroy, hi Astro (switches to Astro the dog voice).  Hi George, how was your first day of school?
Danny: And DJ, for you, I've got a brand new Barbie lunchbox!
The girls turn to Joey.
Joey: I don't do Barbie.
Jesse: Oh darn.
DJ: Thanks dad, but fifth graders don't carry lunchboxes anymore.
Danny: Try to sell it to a first grader.
DJ: Come on Stephanie, we don't want to miss the bus.
Stephanie: (mumbles) I guess not.
Danny: Wait girls.  Stephanie honey, are you sure you don't want me to go with you?
DJ: Don't worry dad, I'll make sure she's okay.
Stephanie: (mumbles) Yeah, it'll be fine.
Danny: You girls are really growing up.  Stephanie's starting schoolWait here, I'm going to get my video camera.  Don't move.

Danny moves into the living room with his camera.
Danny: You just come in when I tell you to okay, when I say action.  Okay, now give me love.  Action!
DJ and Stephanie enter the living room, Jesse and Joey enter behind them.
Jesse and Joey: (singing) Is this the little girl I carried? Is this the little girl at play? I don't remember growing older, when did they? (Danny hugs the girls) Sunrise, sunset! Sunrise, sunset, swiftly flow the years.  (DJ opens the door, the girls wave as Danny joins the chorus) One season following another, lay down with happiness and tears.
Danny: My little baby is starting school.
Stephanie reenters the living room.
Stephanie: I changed my mind.  I'm not going.
Danny: Stephanie honey, what do you mean your not going to school?
Stephanie: (sits on the steps) I don't feel good, maybe I'll go next year.
Jesse: You don't look sick.
Stephanie: (frowns) Is this better?
Joey: (walks up to Stephanie) Well, the face is almost there. Give it kind of a (pushes in her lips) like that, and throw in a real hacking cough (coughs loudly).
Stephanie and Joey trade coughs three times, DJ reenters the house.
DJ: Come on, we're going to miss the bus.  (Stephanie coughs) Stephanie, are you okay?
Joey: See, now your tricking people.
Danny: DJ, you go on ahead.  Stephanie's a little nervous about her first day of school.  I'll make sure she gets there.
DJ: Okay, I'll see you there.  (closes the door)
Stephanie moves to the couch.
Danny: Stephanie, where are you going? Stephanie, I want to talk to you.  Sweetheart, don't you want to go to school and be smart?
Stephanie: I'll stay home and watch public television.
Jesse: Come on Stephanie, spill your guts.  Why don't you want to go to school?
Stephanie: Because I don't know anybody.  I will be all alone, it'll be real scary.  I won't know anybody, and I won't have any friends.
Danny: Oh.  Stephanie, you're going to make friends, I promise.  You and I, we're going to go down there together, and daddy's not going to leave until everything's alright.

Danny, Michelle, and Stephanie arrive at Stephanie's school, Stephanie steps inside the class.
Stephanie: Okay, I came to kindergarten! We can go home now! (runs out to the playground).
Danny: Stephanie, wait a minute.  Honey, sweetheart don't worry, you're going to feel a lot better after you meet somebody.  Oh look, here comes a nice little girl right now.
A blonde haired girl in a black dress runs out of the room, mother pulling on her arm.
Abby: I'M NEVER GOING BACK IN THERE AGAIN! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! NOOOOOOOOOOO! (breaks free, mother chases her, Stephanie glares at Danny).
Danny: Let's wait for another little girl, one who has a better outlook on life.  I know, we'll just we play for awhile and just ease our way into this.  Oh look honey, it's a slide, your very favorite! (takes Stephanie and Michelle to the slide)
Stephanie: This is like the lollypop they give you before you get the shot, isn't it?
Danny: Oh no no no no.  Why didn't I bring a lollypop? Here, come on honey we're going to play on the slide! Here we go, what fun! Weeeeeeeeee! (Stephanie slides) Oh weeeee! Oh that was fun! Now it's my turn! Here I go, here we go! Weeee! Here I go! (slides) Weeeeeeeeeee! Oh, if we're having this much fun outside the class, just imagine the barrel of monkeys waiting for us inside! (Michelle squeaks) Michelle, oh honey! What's wrong sweetheart?
Stephanie: She's scared too, see what she did?
Danny: Ooooh yeah, she's got a Pamper full of fright.  I'm going to go and change her really quick.  Sweetheart, I want you to wait inside the class, okay.
Stephanie: Okay, but I don't know anybody in here (walks inside the class).
Jesse: Hey Stephanie, what's shakin'?
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, what are you doing here?
Jesse: Come here and I'll tell you.  (Stephanie walks to Jesse) I was on my way to work, and since I happen to be a part time exterminator, I thought I'd stop by and make sure that there were no pests, bugs, or varmints here in your classroom other than these rug rats.  Look, I made this (shows her a green blob)
Stephanie: What is it?
Jesse: It's either a dog with no head or an ash tray.
Stephanie: Dog with no head.  Will you stay here and never leave?
Jesse: What's the matter? No pals yet.  I don't know why, you look pretty (sniffs) smell okay.  Alright, you stay here and get ready to learn some new names.  (to the class) ATTENTION ALL MUNCHKINS (rings a bell)! Free milks all around compliments of the coolest kid in class Stephanie Tanner! Make a friend, get a free milk! (the children crowd Stephanie, and soon there is no more milk).
Stephanie: Great, now I have no friends and no milk.
Jesse: I can't believe that milk scam didn't work.  Alright, we'll go to my specialty, personal charm.  You wait right here, and I'll be back with your new best friend, okay.  Sit down (walks to a little girl in a blue sweater and pink hat).  Little girl, how would you like to make a new friend?
Becky: Stranger! Stranger! Stranger! (blows a whistle, the teacher runs over to Jesse).
Teacher: Woah, what is going on here?
Jesse: Nothing, I'm just trying to help the kids become friends is all.
Teacher: Who are you?
Jesse: I'm I'm this pretty little girl's father. Right Stephanie?
Stephanie: Uh okay.
Teacher: Well look, as long as you're here, could you come with me into the supply room and kill something with eight legs?
Jesse: I'll be right back.  This happens to me all the time.  Everybody loves the exterminator.  (Jesse leaves)
Joey enters the class
Joey: Hi Stephanie!
Stephanie: Hi
Joey: Wow, this place is great! You've got toys and blocks and Pin the Tail On the Donkey! I sure wish I lived here!
Stephanie: Here, take my place.
Joey: Woah! Okay, there's only sure fire way to make friends, it's Duck Duck Goose time.  (to the class) Alright everybody, Stephanie has a great idea! It's Duck Duck Goose time! In a circle that's right! We're ducking, we're goosing, we're having a great time! Alright! Okay, sitting down! Okay! Duck Duck Goose, my favorite! Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, goose (lands on Stephanie)! You've got to catch me! We're having a great time! (Jesse and the teacher reenter the room).Hello!
Teacher: Okay, everybody go to your chairs! Find your chairs.  Who are you?
Joey: I'm I'm this pretty little girl's father.
Stephanie: Uh Okay.
Danny enters the class with Michelle.
Danny: What are you guys doing here?
Teacher: Who are you?
Danny: Oh me, I'm this adorable little girl's father.
Stephanie: Uh huh (the teacher stares).
Jesse: What! Elisabeth Taylor's daughter had seven fathers!
Joey turns to the window.
Joey: Woah Danny! More good news, DJ's going over the wall!
Danny: Oh yeah this dad stuff is a piece of cake.  Here, take little poopster (hands Michelle to Joey). Stephanie, stay here.
Stephanie: Okay daddy, daddy, and daddy.
Danny walks out to the playground to see DJ climbing the fence.
Danny: Freeze! What is this? I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it appears what we have here is my daughter ditching school, throwing away her future, and basically becoming a juvenile delinquent.
DJ: In a nutshell yes.
Danny: Do you mind if I asked you a question before you go and knock off a 7-11? Why are you dropping out of school?
DJ: Because they put me in the smart class.
Danny: The advanced class, DJ, that's wonderful!
DJ: Dad, it's Geekville USA.  These kids, the first day of school, they brought homework.  And get this, I'm the only blonde.  Worst of all, they split me and Kimmy up.
Danny: Oh.  I know you're disappointed.
DJ: Dad you don't understand.  Kimmy and I have always been in the same class.  Now I'm in a room full of eggheads.  They're worse then eggheads, they're omletteheads.
Danny: DJ, it's the omletteheads that rule the world.  You really should give this a chance.  You know why?
DJ: Why?
Danny: Because if you don't try new things, you'll never know what you're missing out on.
Stephanie: (to the class) Bye! (heads down the sidewalk) Bye dad.
Danny: Hold it! Where do you think you're going?
Stephanie: Home.
Danny: You're not going anywhere! Nobody is going any place unless it's back into those two rooms!
Jesse and Joey leave the class.
Jesse: There she is.
Danny: I got this.  (they back off) What you two need to understand is (DJ motions to Danny) Yes.  (DJ and Danny move away from Stephanie) Stay.
DJ: Let me just talk to my sister alone okay, woman to woman.  I think I can help.
Danny: Okay.  (Danny leaves)
DJ: Stephanie, what's wrong?
Stephanie goes over to the slide and takes a seat.
Stephanie: No friends.
DJ: You can't expect to make friends the first day.  You know when I started kindergarten I didn't know anybody either.
Stephanie: What about Kimmy?
DJ: We were just in the same class, but I didn't talk to Kimmy for six months.
Stephanie: Because she's an airhead.
DJ: She's not an airhead, she just hates thinking.  That's probably why we're not in the same class anymore.  I just got stuck in a room full of omletteheads where I don't know one person.  It's pretty scary.
Stephanie: Real scary.
DJ: But Stephanie, you can't run away every time you're scared.  If you don't try knew things, you'll never know what you're missing out on.   (stops)  Where did I hear that? Oh no, he was right!
Stephanie: Who was right?
DJ: You don't know him.  Anyway, making friends takes time, but you've got one new friend in school already.
Stephanie: Who?
DJ: Me, and I'm right down the hall, room 6.  You can't miss me, I'm the only omlettehead with blonde hair.
Stephanie: Thanks (they hug).
DJ: Stephanie, I will go back to my class if you go back to yours okay?
Stephanie: Okay.
They split up, Stephanie enters the class, Joey, Jesse, and Danny are inside sipping on milk cartons, we leave with her class singing Itsy Bitsy Spider.

*** End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1987
Directed by: Richard Correll
Written by: Lenny Ripps

Guest Cast:
Mrs. Payton: Jackie Joseph
Abby: Michelle Collins
Becky: Candy Hutson