Full House Scripts - Season 1

No Teaser

Jesse is playing the guitar in the living room, trying to work out song lyrics.
Jesse: She's driving a... She's driving... She's driving, okay... She's driving a... She's drive... Drive... Dri... No she's... She's driving... Driving... She's dri... Maybe she's walking.
Joey enters from the kitchen.
Joey: Jesse, You've got to see this.
Jesse: Not now, I'm working on this tune about this outrageous Italian goddess who drives a Lamborghini. What rhymes with Lamborghini?
Joey: How about Cecil and beanie?
Jesse: How about, you're a weenie?
Danny enters from the kitchen with his video camera.
Danny: Jesse, check out this serious toddling! (Michelle enters walking from the kitchen) Tracking shot! Tracking shot! Come on, Michelle!
Jesse: Danny, the kid has been walking for three days and you haven't stopped taping her. I'll feel sorry for her when she starts potty training. (Michelle heads for the kitchen, Joey picks her up)
Danny: Do you realize what this means? My sweet little Michelle, she's now an object grabbing, heat seeking instrument of destruction.
Joey: (with Michelle, munchkin voice) Hear this humans, I am robo-baby!
DJ and Stephanie enter from upstairs, wearing their Honeybee uniforms.
DJ: Is grandma here?
Danny: Not yet. Oh look how cute you two look!
Jesse: Cute. Just what we need, more cute.
Stephanie: Grandma better get here soon. We're very bizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy with honeybee bizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzness.
Danny: Joey, keep taping. Girls get up on the steps. I want to ask you some things. (the girls head for the front steps). So DJ, how does it feel to be retiring as queen bee?
DJ: Great, I am way to old for this outfit. It's time to pass my antenna on to the bees of the future (places the antenna hat on Stephanie).
Stephanie: I beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee so happy.
Danny: Girls, do the secret honeybee hello.
DJ: Okay, but I cannot allow this on tape (Joey shuts off the video camera). (tap dance around each other and rub elbows) Bizzzzzzzip, (tap dance back and rub elbows again) bizzzzzzzzzzzzip, (meet in the middle and bump hips) bizzzzzzzzah! A car honks.
Stephanie: That's grandma. We've got to buzzzzzzzzz off.
Danny: Okay, come here Michelle (kisses Michelle as he picks her up). Here's the baby's bag (hands a blue bag to Stephanie), and oh yeah, here's the baby (hands Michelle to DJ). There you go.
DJ + Stephanie: Bye!
Stephanie: Bye! See you later boys! (DJ and Stephanie leave, Danny closes the door).
Danny: Guys, there's no children in the house. Do you hear what I hear?
Jesse: I don't hear anything.
Danny: Exactly (walks behind them). It's silence.
Jesse: Oh!
Joey: Well... (Jesse and Danny cover Joey's mouth0.
Danny: I can't believe this. I have no parental responsibilities. This is great. No, that's not true. I really miss my kids. No, that's not true. This is great!
Jesse: Alright, let's party boys! I have an idea. Let's get some girls.
Joey: Great. There's a Three Stooges festival down town. You can meet some fun girls there, and the great part is they don't mind if you poke them in the eye.
Danny: I don't know about this.
Jesse: No no no. I've got a better idea. I get on my Harley, you guys follow behind me in the country squire, not to close. We'll cruise up to Tahoe, Heirs is having a Marilyn Monroe look alike night.
Danny: How do you know about this?
Jesse: How do you not know about this?
Danny: Guys, we've never had a boy's night out, just the three of us. Let's go out together and just do some male bonding.
Jesse: Male bonding? Joey, do you want to bond?
Joey: All I want is a woman who at just the right moment goes (Three Stooges voice) Woowoowoowoowoowoo Neeyah!
Danny: Guys time out, I can't do this. It's only been 5 months since I lost Pam. Hey, don't let me stand in your way. I'll be fine, I'll just stay home alone, maybe change the part in my hair. You guys, go out, have a great time.
Jesse + Joey: Never mind.
Joey: Okay, we're available for bonding.
Jesse: We'll do whatever you want. I promise.
Danny: Great. You are not even going to think about women when you see what I've got in store for you.

Later on that night in the living room, Danny and Joey are in fishing gear.
Danny: Let's go fishing! Neptune's Bride sails at midnight!
Joey: Great. I've been dying for a place to wear this outfit.
Jesse: (enters from up stairs) Alright, let's get this wonderful, fun filled, magical night of bonding over with.
Danny: Jesse, we're going fishing. You look ridiculous.
Jesse: (turns and looks at Joey's clothes) I look ridiculous.
Phone rings, Joey answers.
Joey: (drops his voice) Gilligan's living room. (back to regular voice) No wait, don't hang up. Sorry, I'm not supposed to answer the phone. Yes, Jesse's here. Who may I say who's calling?
Jesse: Give me the phone!
Joey: No! Get out of town! The Roxanna, the rock star Roxanna!
Jesse: Come on!
Joey: (to Jesse) Jesse, how do you know Roxanna?
Jesse: Alright, we had this hot and heavy thing for awhile. Actually it was kind of serious, we dated, then she became a big star and went on the road, so we drifted apart... Give me the phone!
Joey: (to the phone) Is this true? (to Jesse) You're story checks out. So Roxanna, heard your new album.
Jesse: Joseph, you leave me no choice.
Joey: uh huh. Uh... (Jesse walks behind Joey with other end of the phone, and chokes him with the phone cord).
Jesse: Say good-bye.
Joey: Good-bye.
Jesse: (to the phone) Hello. Oh sorry, that was Joey. He was raised by a family of really stupid wolves. How are you doing?... I'm doing great. Yeah. ... My music? Oh, my music is going really well. Yeah
Joey: That's great! You told me you couldn't even find a job!
Jesse: (to Joey) Beat it wolf boy! (to the phone) You know, it... it would be nice to see you again. ... Tonight, yeah. Tonight would be good.
Danny: Jesse you promised. (Joey starts doing an impression of a fishing reel)
Jesse: But actually, I can't tonight. ... No, I'm going fishi... I'm going boat... I'm going yachting actually. Yeah, I'm going yachting on a boat. Yeah. Well, we're having a big party, Neptune's Bride. Yeah. Champaign, caviar, what have you. ... Alright good, I'll call you in the morning. Bye (hangs up the phone)
Danny: Thanks Jesse. You're not going to regret this.
Jesse: Oh, why would I want to hang out with a big, beautiful rock star, when I can spend an evening with Thurston Hall III (points to Joey) and Mr. Paul, the human fish stick (points to Danny)?

Later at the peer
Danny: Ahoy mates. There she be, Neptune's Bride. The finest lady to sail the seven seas.
Joey: (pirate voice) Argh, I say we mount 'er.
Jesse: That's 'board 'er' squid head.
Danny: Isn't this great. A night of men doing manly things (places his tackle box on the ground). You know, there isn't a manlier man among men then the old salty dog who pilots this vessel. Old Captain Jack! Where you be?
A dark haired woman in a pink shirt and jeans come around the corner.
Caroline: He be retired. I'm his granddaughter, Caroline. I'll be your captain this evening (she leaves).
Jesse: Oh yeah. Men don't come any manlier.
Danny: Okay, so except for Old Captain Caroline, it's boy's night out. Manly men doing masculine things.
Roxanna comes up behind them with a blonde girl in a gold dress and another in a white dress.
Roxanne: Jesse!
Jesse: Roxanna! Have Mercy! Come here! (they hug) What are you doing here?
Roxanne: I tracked you down. I'm going on tour tomorrow and I just had to see you. These are my back up singers.
Yvonne: I'm Yvonne
Vega: I'm Vega.
Joey: I'm happy.
Roxanne: Jesse, this isn't a yacht.
Jesse: Oh yeah, you're telling me. That's the last time I rent a yacht from a guy named Icepick.
Yvonne: So what? There's not a party?
Danny: We're here to fish! There's no party.
Joey: There is now!
Jesse: Yeah! (they begin to board the boat) Alright, that's Joey and Danny. Which one's Ivon, and which one's Vega?

Later on the boat.
Jesse: Look at that, a full moon.
Roxanne: There was a full moon the last night we were together. Remember Big Sur.
Jesse: I remember we rented the cabin and went crazy in every little room.
Roxanne: Yeah. Then we went down to the beach and we got even crazier.
Jesse: Remember the seals were clapping for us. That's ancient history, right?
Roxanne: Yeah, it's all in the past.
Jesse: Just a shooting star that burns itself out.
Roxanne: Nothing but memories (they kiss).
Jesse: Yeah, the magic's gone. (they kiss again)
Joey and Danny walk up behind them.
Joey + Danny: (singing) Love, exciting and new. Come aboard, we're expecting you.
Jesse: You guys just butchered a classic.
Caroline: (to Danny) Well, we're in a great spot here.
Danny: Oh yeah, I'm psyched. I've got my lucky pole, my lucky hat, my lucky underwear with the little sharks on it. But I digress.
Caroline: You're kind of funny.
Danny: No.
Caroline: Yeah.
Danny: No.
Caroline: Yeah.
Danny: Okay yeah. Alright Joey, it's time for a fishing lesson from the master.
Joey: Alright Danny, show me how it's done.
Danny: The art of casting. Flip back your winder, keep your thumb on the line, cast forward with a firm flowing motion, release your thumb, and let 'er go (casts into the water).
Joey: I've got it. Flip back your winder, keep your thumb on the line, cast forward with a firm flowing motion, release your thumb and let 'er go (attempts to cast, but looses his fishing pole as it goes overboard).

Later on that night
Jesse: (reels in a fish) Whoa, we got another one. That makes four.
Danny: I can't believe I haven't caught a thing.
Yvonne: (reels in a fish) This makes five for us
Vega: Alright!
Danny: How can this be, look what they're wearing? (pulls his hook out of the water) Oh great, my bate is yawning. Wake up! Wake up!
Jesse: This is so boring, reeling in fish after fish after fish (waves another fish in front of Danny).
Danny: Will you shut up?
Roxanne: (to Jesse) You know, I wish we could see each other more often.
Jesse: I know. The only time I see you now is on MTV.
Roxanne: I owe a lot of my success to you.
Jesse: No Roxanna, you made it because you are good. Remember the first song that you sang with my band.
Roxanne: Oh yeah.
Jesse: And the dance?
Roxanne: How could I forget?
Jesse: Do it.
Roxanne: (singing) He rocks in the treetop all day long, hoppin' and boppin' and singin' his song.
Jesse + Roxanne: All the little birds on Jay Bird Street, love to hear the robin goin' tweet tweet tweet
Roxanne: Rockin' Robin
Yvonne + Vega: Tweet, tweet, tweet.
Jesse: Look at this!
Roxanne: Rockin' Robin
Jesse: Fellas?
Joey + Danny: Tweet, twittley-deet
Jesse + Roxanne: Blow rockin' robin, cause we're really gonna rock tonight!
Jesse: This is good! Alright, let's do some choreography!
The girls side step in front of the men.
Women: Every little swallow, every chickadee,
Danny: Every little bird in the tall oak tree (the men throw one of their shoes overboard).
Roxanne: (the girls move back to the right of the men) The wise old owl
Jesse + Roxanne: The big black crow, flappin' their wings singin'
Danny + Joey: 'Go bird, go'
Roxanne: Rockin' robin
Women: Tweet, tweet, tweet.
Men: Rockin' robin. Tweet, twittly-deet
Women: Blow rockin' robin, 'cause we're really gonna rock tonight.
Men: Tweet
All: Twittly-deet.
Jesse: Yeah!
Danny: Oh man! Wow, that was almost fun (returns to his fishing pole, feels something pulling on his hook). Whoa! Whoa! Wo...WHOA! (Danny goes overboard).
Joey: (removes his hat) I'm coming beanie boy! (Jumps in the water, Jesse hesitates)
Jesse: Hold on (removes his leather vest, jumps in the water).

The next day, everyone from the night before is at the Tanner house having breakfast.
Joey: Anybody else want some of my halibut? (to Danny) My albacore? My swordfish? ...
Danny: Shut up!
Jesse: You're just cranky because you got pulled overboard by a Mischalin Radial.
Danny: Hey, that tire had an incredible will to live.
Yvonne: Hey Roxanna, we'll meet you back at the hotel
Vega: Yeah, thanks for breakfast guys (Joey, Jesse, Vega, Ivon, and Roxanna exit to the living room)..
Yvonne: (to Joey) Oh, and thanks for the Pepto Bismol.
Joey: I know my antacids.
Vega: You know Joey, being with you actually bordered on fun.
Joey: Yeah, I hear that a lot.
Jesse: Seems like we're always saying good bye huh?
Roxanne: I hate it. Jesse, come on the road with me.
Jesse: And join the band?
Roxanne: Well no, we're an all girl group, and you are definitely not a girl.
Jesse: Then why would I go on the road with you?
Roxanne: Just to be with me.
Jesse: And do what, carry your bags for you? Tune your guitar? Is that what you want?
Roxanne: No. Jesse, it's not like that at all...
Jesse: What? Do you think that I've got nothing better to do then follow you around like... like a little puppy dog or something?
Roxanne: No.
Joey enters the kitchen to see Danny and Caroline at the counter.
Caroline: You know, I really had a great time.
Danny: So did I.
Caroline: How about I make you dinner?
Danny: (nervous) Dinner?
Caroline: You know, the food you eat when it gets dark.
Danny: No dinner.
Caroline: How about lunch?
Danny: No. No lunch, no food.
Caroline: Liquid protein?
Danny: Look Caroline, I'm really sorry, but I think this whole thing was just kind of a big mistake. You... you really shouldn't be here right now, because you really should be somewhere else. Let me walk you to the door, okay.
Back to the living room.
Roxanne: Jesse, you're overreacting!
Jesse: No, I'm not! I'm not overreacting! Come on, let's go! This is not going to work out!
Roxanne: Jesse, please! I...
Jesse: Go, be a big star, get in your limousine! It's alright!
Joey: Everybody Freeze! I need to see Jesse and Danny in the kitchen right now!
Jesse: Joey, I'm in the middle of something!
Joey: Humor me. Girls, look, please don't leave. Caroline you like fish, Roxanna you like music, talk about Muddy Waters.
The men enter the kitchen.
Jesse: Joey, what is your problem?
Joey: You guys are crazy! (to Danny) You had a nice time with Caroline. (to Jesse) You had a nice time with Roxanna. What's the story here?
Danny: Caroline and I are none of your business.
Jesse: Right, neither are Roxanna and I. Thanks Joey (starts to leave).
Joey: Jesse, your attitude wouldn't have anything to do with her success, would it?
Jesse: No... I don't know... Alright, I do know. I mean, I put her band together, me! I put the band together, she's a big star! I put my band together, we're playing dives! I promised myself that by the time I was 24 I'm going to have a record deal! I'm 24 1/2, when is it going to be my turn?
Joey: Hey, I know how that feels. It's like when I see Alf, I go nuts. I'm doing my stand up in little nightclubs, and a carpet sample has a series. But you know, if we hang in there, we're going to make it. Danny, why are you so upset with Caroline?
Danny: Because she wanted to make me dinner.
Joey: The real problem is you like her.
Danny: Okay, I do like her, and it scares me. Ever since Pam... everything is just so hard, so confusing.
Joey: I know how tough this has been on you. But that's how life is, it's a struggle. But what helps you get you through the tough times are the people by your side. So when people like Roxanna and Caroline come along, why push them away because you're frustrated with your career and because you're not ready to date yet? You're throwing away what could be great friendships.
Jesse: Is this the same guy who spends hours perfecting under arm noises? Where's this coming from?
Joey: From my heart. I did have some help with the words. It's what Scooby Doo told Scrappy Doo last Saturday morning.
Danny: Thanks Joey (they hug).
Jesse: Come here, you big goof (they hug).
Danny: Alright, we got in some male bonding after all. Would you guys excuse me for a moment? (in the living room) Caroline can I talk to you please? (back to the kitchen)
Caroline: Hi.
Danny: Hi. Look, I'm really sorry I flipped out. It's just that... Well, you know about my wife, and I'm just not ready for this yet. I really do like you. Do you think maybe you and I could... like... just be friends?
Caroline: I think that would be great (they hug).
Back in the living room.
Jesse: Roxanna, I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe I was acting a little bit... What's the word I'm looking... insanely jealous.
Roxanne: Jesse, your time's going to come. You're to good.
Jesse: You know I can't go with you.
Roxanne: I know. I just want us to be together.
Jesse: Well, maybe someday we will be. But in the mean time, you've got to realize, a guy like me. I've got to be free wheeling, I've got to be riding on the wind, I've got to be living on the edge...
DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle reenter the house.
DJ: Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Stephanie: Can you help me off with my stinger?
Jesse: Sure kid... Well, I'm living on the edge of cuteness.

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Michelle Nicastro: Roxanne
Dorothy Parke: Caroline
Nancy Mulford: Yvonne
Michele Layburn: Vega