Full House Scripts - Season 1

No Teaser

DJ and Kimmy are in the garage
DJ: So Kimmy, do you want to stay for dinner?
Kimmy: Maybe, what are you having?
DJ: Joey's cooking, so I'm not really sure? It's something in earth tone.
Kimmy: Pass, but if my dog Sinbad is hungry I'll send him over.
Stephanie enters
Stephanie: Don't do that, I love Sinbad!
DJ: Stephanie, why are you following us?
Stephanie: Because you keep leaving me.
DJ: Stephanie, I know you are only five and you have no life of your own. But Kimmy and I are talking woman to woman.
Stephanie: I'm a woman, I'm a little woman, but I'm a woman.
DJ: Stephanie, when Kimmy leaves, you and I can have a nice sister to sister talk, unless I get a phone call.
Stephanie: (pats DJ on the shoulder) You're so good to me.
A mysterious howling noise comes from somewhere in the garage.
Stephanie: Did you guys hear that noise? It sounded like a monster.
DJ: Stephanie, you're always making up monster noises. There's nothing to worry about.
Kimmy: Although, you do look like that kid in Poltergeist who got sucked up in the TV and said 'They're back!'.
Stephanie: Real funny.

Switch to the kitchen, Michelle is in a high chair, Joey is cooking dinner.
Joey: (Japanese accent, clapping spice containers) Hoo ha hee ahh hoe! Ooh, you gonna love this Michelle. Haitomoto hatu (pounds the counter and sends a piece of broccoli flying through the air) ooh, tumatugasu, tumatugasu, hu ha (turns to his left, catches the broccoli in the salad bowl) ooh!
Jesse enters
Jesse: Hi.
Joey: (Japanese accent) Hi.
Jesse: (Japanese accent) Hi
Joey: (Japanese accent) Hi.
Jesse: (Japanese accent) How you donin'?
Joey: (Japanese accent) How you donin'?
Jesse + Joey: (Japanese accent) Oooooooooaaaahhh!
Stephanie and DJ enter from downstairs.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, something horrible is in the house!
Jesse: (examines Joey's cooking) You're telling me.
Joey: Hey Jesse, grab Michelle, and help me set the table, will you (takes a pot to the table)?
Jesse: Alright, come on Michelle (picks up the high chair).
Danny enters from the side.
Danny: Great news, I've got great news!
Stephanie: Thank goodness you're home (hugs Danny's leg)!
Danny: I missed you too honey. Did you miss all of me or just my leg?
DJ: Stephanie thinks she heard a monster in the garage, but if you ask me it's just a desperate plea for attention.
Danny: DJ, stop watching Oprah and start doing your homework. (picks up Stephanie) So, now you're hearing a garage monster instead of just that closet monster, which by the way honey we never really found.
Stephanie: Maybe because the closet monster moved into the garage.
Danny: (walks to the table) Just to catch everybody up, I walked in here saying 'hey great news! Great news!'
Jesse: Oh I've got great news, I met a girl today.
Joey: That's not news, that's sports.
DJ: Let's give dad a break. (takes a seat) So what's your 'great news! Great news!'?
Danny: (takes a seat at the table, Stephanie is next to him) Okay thank you. As you know, all the TV stations in this city are fighting each other tooth and nail for better ratings...
Stephanie: Congratulations daddy!
Danny: Stephanie honey, that's not the great news. Anyway, my station is putting together a special promo, kind of a little commercial, about each of its newscasters, and here comes the great news Stephanie. They've picked your father to be first!
Stephanie: Oh great, yeah.
Jesse: Yeah, that's good.
Danny: I can feel the energy. Oh, by the way, you're all going to be on TV with me?
All: Yeah!
Danny: Oh, I knew you'd be happy for me. So, they're coming to the house tomorrow to film our whole family.
Joey: Alright!
DJ: Yeah!
Joey: I like that. Alright, everybody chow down (all take one taste of the food and turn away).
Jesse: Should we send out for pizza or Chinese?
All ­ Joey: Pizza.
Joey: It is pizza.

Later that night, DJ and Stephanie are asleep, Stephanie hears the same noise from earlier.
Stephanie: (turns on a light) They're back!
DJ: (sleepy) Stephanie, did you make that noise?
Stephanie: Why would I make a noise that's scaring me to death? Can I sleep with you in your bed?
DJ: Alright, come on over.
Stephanie: Does this mean you believe me about the monster?
DJ: I'm not saying yes, and I'm not saying no. I'm just saying get over here.
Stephanie: What if he's under the bed waiting to eat my feet? (crawls to a box at the base of her bed, throws DJ a string) Reel me in DJ! Faster! Faster! Faster! (the box reaches the bed, Stephanie gets in) Bless you.
DJ: You forgot to turn off the light.
Both hear the same noise.
Stephanie: Forget the light, run for your life!
The girls run into the hall.
DJ: Help! Help!
Jesse: Mon (Jesse enters from a side door, picks up Stephanie) ster!
Danny enters from the right.
Danny: What's going on?
Stephanie: We've got the monster trapped in our room!
DJ: Go get it Uncle Jesse, you're a creepy crawler killer!
Jesse: I'm a pest control specialist, thank you.
DJ: Pardon me. Go kill it!
Danny: Jesse, humor them. Unless there is something creepy and crawly in there, in which case (opens DJ and Stephanie's door) go kill it.
Jesse: You know, in every movie the hero is always a soldier, a cop, or a private i. Never once, never once have they made a movie about the real American hero, the exterminator (enters the room).
DJ + Stephanie + Danny: Pest control specialist.
Jesse: Coming soon to a theater near you.
Stephanie: Daddy, can I sleep with you in your bed tonight?
Danny: Oh honey, you don't want to sleep in my bed do you?
Stephanie: I guess not.

Later that night Danny finds himself in DJ's bed with DJ and Stephanie.
Danny: Your Uncle Jesse says that your room is monster free. So, I'm only staying here until you two fall asleep.
DJ: (sleepy) Okay dad.
Stephanie: (sleepy) Alright daddy.
Danny: And you two really need your sleep, because tomorrow the nice lady is coming here and she's going to make a little movie about our family. And girls, there are no such things is monsters. The closest thing in real life are linebackers, but they're much bigger than monsters, and they make a lot more money. Get it girls, more money. Girls? (DJ and Stephanie are asleep) Good night. (tries to leave, but soon finds himself trapped between the girls, he moves DJ, but she collapses on his right leg) Okay. (takes his free leg and rests it on a chair, takes a stuffed Elmo doll from a stand near the left of the bed, places it on a stand near the right of the bed, lays down his head, turns out the lamp). The joys of fatherhood.

Next day, Jesse and Joey are dressing Michelle in Michelle's room.
Jesse: Come on.
Joey: Okay Michelle, this is your big TV debut. Let's give you that Marilyn Monroe look, kind of. Yeah bangs sweeping to the left, curls framing the face (starts messing with her hair).
Jesse: She's got a look that could pull that off, but I think it would be a crime to cover this pretty little face. See, I say we pull it back, and give her a more sophisticated kind of look. More of a Madonna, Briguette Neilson kind of thing (pulls her hair back).
Joey: That's Jack Nickleson. Why don't we give her kind of a Pebbles Flintstone, kind of a... a fun due? (pulls her hair up)
Jesse: That's Don King.
Joey: Maybe just a bow.
Jesse: Bow, good idea. Simple, yet it screams style. I'll hold it up like this.
Joey: Okay. Finger.
Jesse: Okay, tie it first...
Joey: There we go.
Jesse: Alright good.
Joey: There we go, finger.
Jesse: Alright, now should we get her Wee Bots or her Little Glens?
Joey: One of each.
Jesse: Okay (takes some shoes from under the table), we've got that... (realizes his hand is tied to Michelle's head). You didn't just...
Joey: Yeah I think I did.
Jesse: That's what I thought.
Joey: Yeah.
Jesse: (tries to pull his hand loose) Baby yo-yo. Take it off.
Joey: Alright (removes the bow). They hear the strange noise
Jesse: Did you hear that noise?
Joey: Yeah, the girls were right. It's the monster.
Jesse: Shh, it's not a monster. Now, I have to find out where it's coming from. Be quiet (listens, hears the same noise). Ah ha! A North American silver footed ferret, adult male, 2 1/2 pounds. I'd say from the echo, he's heading towards the garage.
Joey: How can you possibly know this?
Jesse: It's a gift. Alright, come on out pal! This is your last warning! Get out now or be another notch on my spray gun! Hahahahaha!

Jesse heads for the garage, Joey enters.
Jesse: Alright pal (moves some boxes) come on out! It's just you and me, man verses ferret (picks up a baseball glove). Come on!
Joey: Who are you trying to catch, Phil Neacroe?
Jesse: Joseph, I have to improvise. I left my tools in the car. Listen, in order to catch a ferret, you must become one with the ferret.
Joey: Oh sure, like this (imitates a squeaking mouse).
Jesse: Joey, when you were a kid did you fall out of a tree house?
Joey: Yeah.
Jesse: There he is, there he is! Look out, I've got him! (runs to the left of the garage) I've got him, alright!
Joey: What are you going to do to him?
Jesse: Think of it this way, I'm moving senior ferret one step up into spiritual enlightenment.
Joey: What's the next step up for a ferret?
Jesse: Somewhere between rat and lawyer.
Joey: Well, if you were after a lawyer, I'd be right behind you. But we're talking about one of God's innocent little creatures (opens the garage door). Go! Run ferret! Go! Get out! Go! Go! Go! (Jesse gets a net, Joey steps in front of him, singing) Born free, as free as the wind... (ferret noise).
Jesse: There he goes. There he goes
Switch to the living room, the doorbell rings, DJ and Stephanie answer, a dark haired woman in a blue dress stands on the other side.
DJ: Hi, are you the lady that's going to put us on TV?
Ronnie: Yes I am, because you are so adorable! Let me see you smile! (they smile) Wonderful! Let me see if you can find a place to put my coat. (DJ hangs the coat over Michelle's play pen) Adorable, and you take direction too. My name's Ronnie, that's short for Veronica.
DJ: I'm DJ, that's short for Donna Joe.
Stephanie: I'm Stephanie, I'm just short.
Downstairs, Jesse is in a crawl space in the garage, Joey moves a ladder.
Jesse: Joey, give me the ladder.
Joey: I'm not putting the ladder back until we have a talk.
Jesse: Talk.
Joey: You have to promise me that if you capture the ferret, that you will let him go in a safe and pleasant environment.
Jesse: Okay fine, I'll capture him, I'll buy him a little ferret condo, fix him up with a hot little mink, and send him to Club Med for the winter.
Joey: Okay, but now let's talk about Major Medical.
Jesse: Help me down here (gives Joey an arm).
Joey: I've got you.
Jesse: Good. (DJ, Stephanie, and Ronnie enter)
Jesse + Joey: Hello!
DJ: These guys help take care of us.
Ronnie: This is Danny Tanner's family?
Jesse: I'm Jesse.
Joey: I'm Joey.
Ronnie: I'm in trouble.

Later in the living room.
Ronnie: People! People, we're almost ready!
Danny enters.
Danny: Hi, I'm Danny Tanner. You must be Ronnie Gardner, I've been looking forward...
Ronnie: Great, you're here, let's go.
Danny: to meeting you.
Joey: (taking down his decorations, a cardboard Jupiter) Well, that's the last of it.
Danny: Joey, where are you going with Jupiter?
Joey: Ronnie suggested that I move out.
Danny: Why would Ronnie suggest that?
Joey: No. No Danny, it's okay. It's no problem. A successful comedian like myself doesn't need exposure on TV. Working in parks and train stations is my rocket to stardom
Danny: Ronnie, don't you think Joey is important?
Ronnie: Important? Why, he's essential! He is going to be holding the cue cards (hands Joey a set of large pieces of card board). Thank you Joey.
Joey: Oh no, thank you Ronnie, you've given my life new meaning.
Ronnie: You know Danny, so many sportscasters are your typical macho, two fisted, iron pumping, ex jocks.
Danny: Yeah, that's me in a nutshell.
Ronnie: Well Danny Tanner, I am going to set you apart from the crowd. I am going to sell your family with class, style, sophistication.
Danny: That's me too. There are so many me.
Ronnie: We're just going to do this one rehearsal. If you have any problems... well, you won't. Outside, don't come back in until I say action. Okay everybody over here. Come on, let's go. Come on, alright. Ready. You back here (crew moves to the right of the room) And action!
Danny: (reading the cue card) Chao family... Chao family?
Ronnie: Si! Si! Continue.
Danny: Okay, this is the Italian me. Chao familia.
Ronnie: Okay, everybody around. Yeah. Good, here we go. Sit! (Danny sits on the couch) Cue DeVinci!
Danny: DeVinci?
A giant poodle comes in from the side and sits on Danny's lap.
Danny: Why is there a four-legged marshmallow on my lap?
Joey: Danny, this is no fru fru poodle. This is a man's poodle. This is a poodle on steroids.
Ronnie: Cue the girls! Girls! Girls! Girls! DeVinci's a rap! (the poodle leaves).
DJ and Stephanie enter from the side in matching white shirts and black skirts, DJ is carrying a violin.
Danny: (reading the cue card) Good day Donna Joe, and a good day to you too little Stephanie.
DJ: Oh father, how excellent to see you.
Stephanie: We missed you papa.
Danny: Wait I'm confused. Are we French or Italian... or Rogueford?
Ronnie: Girls sit! Cue housekeeper!
Jesse enters from the kitchen with a tea set.
Jesse: (fake tears) Hi ho, tea time at the Tanners
Danny: Now we're English?
Jesse: No no no no, you silly bloke. I'm the English one, you twit.
Danny: Thank you so much Mr. French.
Jesse: You're welcome, Uncle Bill. Excuse me (passes Ronnie). Buffy? Jody?
Joey: Now you know why I didn't fight too hard to stay in this thing.
Danny: What does any of this have to do with our family?
Ronnie: People! People! Focus! Focus! Crew over by the door! Come on let's go! And you right here (drags Danny to the center of the room)! Cue the baby Michelle!
Danny: Oh baby Michelle. Come to daddy honey.
A dark haired girl in a similar white shirt and black skirt enters from the kitchen.
Amanda: Hi daddy (hugs Danny)..
Danny: Hi honey. (to Ronnie) Oh, she's so cute, she's so adorable. Who is she?
Ronnie: She's your adopted daughter. We thought it would be great for your image.
Danny: Honey, is your mommy or daddy near by?
Amanda: In the kitchen.
Danny: In the kitchen, okay. Well, you go in there and see them (she leaves). She's so cute, almost as cute as my little baby. Where is my baby?
Ronnie: I wanted to go for the adopted daughter. Actually, Michelle just wasn't quite right for the part.
Danny: You're saying my daughter wasn't right for the part of my daughter?
Joey: I auditioned for the part, and I came that close.
Danny: I don't believe this! How could you guys let yourselves get talked into this?
Jesse: Well, we knew this was important it was to you, and ... well, we played along, just in case you actually went for this crazy cartoon.
Ronnie: I don't think you understand. Television news is a very competitive market. You've got to do something different. You've got to make some noise. You've got to make a splash.
Danny: I think you've splashed down from another planet! Wait, I'm getting a vision. I'm seeing a loving family. I'm seeing friends who will do anything to help each other (Jesse and Joey wave). Do you know what I'm seeing? I'm seeing my children playing the part of my children.
Joey: Nice!
Jesse: Sweet, not insane!
Ronnie: It's been done
Danny: Yeah, but not buy us! Hey I'm proud of who we are! And unless you want to show people the real Tanner family, I'm just going to have to direct this thing myself.
Ronnie: If you're going to direct, then what am I going to do?
Jesse: Oh, it's quite simple Ronnie (takes the cue cards from Joey). You will hold the cue cards!

Later that night, the family gathers in the living room.
Jesse: Alright, quiet everybody. It's on, it's on. Watch this.
The commercial:
Danny enters his house.
Danny: Hello, I'm Danny Tanner, and I do the sports for Channel 8 Newsbeat. Every day at 4, 6, and 10 you're kind enough to invite me into your home and make me a part of your family. Well, I'd like to introduce you to my family. Follow me, like you have a choice. Come on, don't be afraid. (the camera focuses on Danny's feet) Meet my stairs, my loafers, my socks, my slacks. Danny then enters Stephanie and DJ's room, DJ and Stephanie are sitting at their table.
Danny: Right this way. Oh there you are. Hi girls, daddy's home!
DJ + Stephanie: Hi dad! (Danny kisses the girls)
Danny: This happens every night, I swear. This is my daughter DJ, and this is Stephanie. Look girls, dad brought home a camera crew.
DJ: We know dad.
Stephanie: Yeah daddy, you came up here five minutes ago and told us.
Danny: Honesty, I teach my girls honesty.
DJ: Watch my dad do the sports weeknights on Channel 8
Stephanie: At 4, 6, and 10.
DJ + Stephanie: Don't miss him!
Danny: Marketing, I also teach them marketing.
Danny enters Jesse's room, Jesse and Joey are with Michelle.
Danny: This way, this way. Boy you move fast. This is my other little girl Michelle. Is she ready?
Jesse: Is she ready? Are you ready Michelle? Are you ready? Okay. Let's do a La Bamba thing for the Bay area.
Michelle: Lalalalala...
Jesse: (covers her moth) Bamba.
Danny: These guys are also a part of my family. You see, I'm a single parent, and they help me take care of my kids. This is my brother in law Jesse, he has a rock band called Jesse Cochrin And the Rippers.
Jesse: Hi mom.
Danny: And this is my good friend Joey Gladstone. Joey's a stand up comic.
Joey: And of course, I'm much funnier than I am right now.
Michelle squeaks.
Danny: Yes Michelle, say Hi San Francisco.
Joey: (munchkin voice, with Michelle) Hi San Francisco, please watch my daddy. He needs the work. I outgrow my clothes every four months.
Danny: Honesty, marketing, and begging for ratings. Welcome to my world. This is...
All: Danny Tanner, Channel 8 Action Sports.
DJ: Dad, can I have a raise in allowance? You'd like to see that, wouldn't you folks?
Danny: Kids, God love them.
DJ: Write letters!
Back to reality:
Joey: To be perfectly honest, it needed a poodle.
Danny: You guys were great.
DJ: Does this mean I get the raise in allowance?
Danny: Let's wait and see how many letters we get.
Stephanie: I bet you we get 18 tomorrow.
DJ: Stephanie!
Stephanie: Oops!
Danny: Okay, everybody who wants a sugar rush, into the kitchen for ice cream sodas.
DJ: (they run to the kitchen) I want chocolate!
Jesse: Maybe a nice banana split.
Joey: I hear you. (ferret noise)
Jesse: Ah ha, senior ferret returns.
Joey: Yeah and he's making you look really bad.
Jesse: This time he is mine! Alright, buddy come on! Come on (goes behind the organ)!
Joey: Hey Jesse, remember our deal, a condo, a mink, and Club Med.
Jesse pulls out the ferret
Jesse: Ah ha! Just as I suspected. A North American silver footed ferret, 2 1/2 pounds, adult male (shows Joey). Joey, he's a pest, and he's a varmint. The only way to dispose of this menace is... I'm going to take him to Big Sur and let him go free.
Joey: Oh, you big lug, your heart's as big as your hair.
Jesse: Alright, let's take him into the kitchen, show the girls there's no monster. Alright.
Jesse + Joey: (singing) Born free, as free as the wind blows... (they enter the kitchen).

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Belita Moreno: Ronnie
Courtney Anne Yeng: Amanda