Full House Scripts - Season 1

Stephanie: Is this normal?
DJ: It is for Joey.
Joey: Wait till you hear what happened to me today. It's amazing . It's incredible. It's unbelievable.
DJ: What happened? Tell us.
Stephanie: Tell us right now!
Joey: I can't tell you.
DJ: I hate it when he does that.
Joey: I'll tell you just as soon as everyone gets home.
Jesse: Oh, boy, what a day. Come here, girls. Give your Uncle J a kiss. Very nice. I know how much you look up to me...but no matter how glamorous you think my life is...don't ever kill bugs for a living. Joseph.
Joey: Hey, buddy, insect world got you down? Well, close your eyes because I am going to send you to a land of sunshine and flowers. Smell this.
Jesse: Joey, you've been riding in the dryer again, haven't you?
Joey: I'm in a great mood. I wanna tell you what happened, but I can't yet.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, he's driving us crazy.
Stephanie: Yeah, make him tell us.
Jesse: Okay. Joey, what's up?
Joey: Can't tell you.
Jesse: The man will not crack.
Danny: Hi, girls.
DJ & Stephanie: Hi, Dad.
Danny: Bye, girls.
DJ: Okay, Joey, we're all here. Spill your guts.
Joey: I've been chosen as one of the hot, up-and-coming comics to go on a two-week, 16-college tour. Yes!
Danny: All right. I knew you'd get a job.
DJ: Oh, the man is hot.
Joey: Well, there's only one problem. I'm not sure if I'm gonna go or not.
Danny: Joey.
Jesse: Why not?
Joey: When I moved in, I made a commitment to help with the girls...and cook and clean and do laundry. I can't just take off like that.
Danny: Joey, you have worked too long and too hard to pass this up.
Jesse: This could be your big break. You gotta go for it.
Danny: You are going.
Joey: Yeah, but what about the kids? Both of you work.
DJ: We'll go with you.
Stephanie: It's never too early to look at colleges.
Danny: Let's get out of kindergarten first.
Jesse: Listen, it's simple. I will fill in for Joey. I'll just take a couple weeks off the bug biz.
Joey: You can do that?
Jesse: Yeah, I work for my dad. He can't fire me, because my ma won't let him.
Joey: You sure you can get along without me?
Danny, Jesse, DJ & Stephanie: Yeah. Go have fun.
Joey: Great. Baby, you're the greatest.
Danny: Thanks, Ralph.
Joey: Girls.
Jesse: You touch me, the deal's off.
Joey: It's too late, I've already started.

In the living room
Joey: That's no penguin. That's George Bush. Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It's wonderful to be here at...Fill-in-the-blank College, home of the fighting.... Some animal. Oh, no. Cut it out. Just a little confidence builder.
Danny: It's some of your finest work. Why don't I go upstairs and work on this week's basketball blooper reel. Joey, there seems to have been an explosion in your alcove...which has hurled most of your possessions to the four corners of the living room.
Joey: I'm sorry. I love this machine. Look, Danny. I'll clean up, okay? You go work on your blooper reel, and I'll get back to writing college material. Now get out of here. Steph, what are you doing?
Stephanie: I'm practicing for my next honeybee meeting.
Joey: That's very nice, but I'm trying to rehearse.
Stephanie: Go ahead. It won't bother me.

In the hall
Joey: Hey, Jess. I'm looking for a place to rehearse.
Jesse: Good luck.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, I'm trying to do my homework.
Jesse: Sorry. I bet you Chuck Berry didn't have to live with three nieces.
Joey: Michelle.

In Michelle's room
Joey: Michelle, are you busy? Sorry. I didn't know you had company.
Bird: Sorry. I didn't know you had company.
Joey: Bye.

In the garage
Joey: Cut it out. You people are too much. Quit it. Get out of here. And now, ladies and gentlemen, a dramatic presentation. A little something I like to call "Ode to a Fountain."
DJ: Joey, that looks so real. When I see you do your fountain act, I wanna throw pennies on your face and make a wish.
Joey: Well, just wish that I do that well on the tour.
DJ: Oh, you'll be great. I finished my homework, so you can rehearse in my room. But please don't spit on my bed.
Joey: No, DJ, it's okay. The garage really isn't that bad.
DJ: It's freezing.
Joey: Your wrap, madame.
DJ: I didn't know you kept your clothes in your car.
Joey: Well, that alcove is so small. But my trunk makes a good closet. The worst part, DJ, is not having any privacy.
DJ: I know what you mean. I live with a 5-year-old who thinks that I was born so that she'd have someone to play with. Not that I'm complaining.
Joey: Oh, of course not. DJ, in my pre-alcove days, I lived like a king. I had my own door, four walls and a light switch. It was Camelot. Not that I'm complaining.
DJ: Well, my pre-Stephanie days...my Bananarama poster didn't have to share the wall with Rainbow Brite.
Joey & DJ: Not that I'm complaining.
DJ: Well, if you need a place to keep your socks, my bike basket is all yours.
Joey: Thanks, DJ, but I keep my socks in the glove compartment. If you'll do me a favor, get me another glass of water so I can finish washing the car.
DJ: You got it.

In Michelle's room
DJ: And it was just so sad. I mean, there was Joey, alone in the cold garage, spitting water onto the air...for nobody.
Danny: That is sad.
Jesse: It could've been worse. We could've had to watch it. Right, Michelle?
DJ: Dad, Joey has no place to rehearse. Isn't there something we can all do to help him?
Danny: What Joey really needs is his own room.
Jesse: Yes, you're right. Joey needs a room. Okay, let's stop and think about this. Darn, no rooms. Oh, well, we thought about it. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I--See? She knows I'm joking.
Stephanie: Daddy.
Danny: What?
Stephanie: Joey's not here yet.
Danny: Time-out, Stephanie. Honey, let's have a little talk about this lookout thing. The key is to let us know when Joey is coming, not when Joey is not coming.
Stephanie: This is harder than I thought.
Danny: No, sweetie, it's easy. All you have to do is, when you see Joey coming, you give us the secret code. The duck flies at midnight.
Stephanie: "The duck flies at midnight." I should get paid for this.
DJ: Okay, I got this all figured out. Now, if I move into Michelle's room, Joey moves into my room, Michelle moves into the alcove, and Stephanie gets a tent in the back yard.
Stephanie: I don't think so.
DJ: Okay, plan B. If we put bunk beds in Jesse's room...that means Uncle Jesse and Joey could be roommates. Great idea, huh?
Jesse: I don't think so.
Joey: Oh, here you are.
Stephanie: The duck, the turtle...the chicken drives to 7-Eleven. At midnight.
Danny: It's a new catch phrase. All the kids are saying it.
Joey: Well, what's going on in here?
Jesse: Well, we're doing this new family ritual where we sing Michelle to sleep.
Joey: A new family ritual? Why didn't you guys call me?
Jesse: Why didn't we call--Well, that's simple too. What it is, we're doing this four-part harmony thing tonight, and--Well, here we go. One, two, three, four.
Danny: We've gotta get Joey out of that alcove.
Jesse: Yeah, you're right.
Danny: Why didn't--?
Stephanie: The duck! The duck!

In the kitchen
Joey: Jess, the girls' after-school activities for the next two weeks are in blue, except for DJ's dental appointment, which is in green. And I put the cleaning schedule in pink.
Jesse: Alex, I'll take dental appointments for 50.
Danny: Good morning, my friends.
Joey, Jesse, DJ & Stephanie: Good morning.
Jesse: You guys are just in time. We've got your eggs, bacon, toast, milk, orange juice and the morning paper. Sports section on the top.
Danny: It looks like Jesse. It sounds like Jesse. I think I'll keep him.
Joey: Hey, all Hazel's done so far is make breakfast.
Jesse: What do you guys think?
DJ: They're great. I'll have seconds.
Jesse: Seconds? Okay. Seconds for you and seconds for you. All right?
Joey: How come nobody ever asks for a second helping of my eggs?
Danny: So, Jess...did Michelle eat?
Jesse: Yeah, like a horse. She's sleeping it off.
Danny: Way to go, Jess. I'm sorry. I'm late for work. Joey, buddy, you are on your way. Knock them dead. Blow them away. You're gonna kill them. You're in a very violent business. See you guys later. Thanks. Made myself an Egg McJesse.
Jesse: All right.
Danny: Did you think of an alternative to Joey's alcove problem?
Jesse: Not yet, but I stayed up all night thinking about it.
Danny: I thought you had a date.
Jesse: Okay, I stayed up all night.
Danny: Well, let's keep thinking.
Jesse: All right. See you.
Danny: Bye, girls.
DJ & Stephanie: Bye, Dad.
Stephanie: It's the bus.
Joey: I'm sorry. I forgot to pack your lunches.
Jesse: Feed bags, young ladies.
DJ & Stephanie: Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: You're welcome.
DJ: Bye, Joey.
Joey: Bye.
Stephanie: Bye, Joey. Have fun.
Joey: Thanks. Bye.
Stephanie: We'll see you in a month.
Joey: In two weeks.
Jesse: Joseph, you better get going, man. You're gonna be late.
Joey: Now, Jess, remember, I left all the important--
Jesse: Joey, we can take care of it.
Joey: Are you sure?
Jesse: Yes. We don't need you. Now go. T-C-B: Take care of business. Come on. Go. L-R-N: Leave right now. In other words, W-A-Y-G: Why aren't you gone? Go.
Joey: Okay. I'm going.

In the living room
Joey: Hi, Michelle. Yeah. No, I haven't left yet, but I'm going for two weeks. Something's going on here. I mean, they're having family rituals without me. I can be replaced like that by a rock 'n' roll exterminator. Maybe they don't need me. Yeah, I know. I think you're the only one who cares about me. Here, give me a kiss. Okay. Bye, Michelle. Okay. You stay right there. Tell everyone I'll miss them, if they care. Bye.
TV: We'll be right back with Judge Wapner's decision after this.
Jesse: Hang that dry cleaner, Judge Wapner. Hang him! All right. We got the housework done. Time for a little dessert. Here you go. Who's your favorite uncle? I know. It's me. Go ahead. All right. You know what time it is, pal? It's time for a little game I like to call "Michelle Ball." Like this: All right, listen. We'll go answer the door, but when we come back...you'll throw me up in the air and blow bubbles on my tummy, okay? Get it? Blow bubbles on--I'll get the door. Oh, hi, Jody.
Jody: Hi, Jesse. Hi, Michelle. Where's Joey?
Jesse: Joey's out, and I'm taking over for him.
Jody: Oh, good, because it's Joey's afternoon.
Jesse: Joey's afternoon? For what?
Jody: To watch the kids.
Jesse: To watch the ki-- The kids.
Jody: I watch Michelle on Tuesdays, and the other moms take turns the rest of the week.
Jesse: The other moms?
Jody: Yeah, like Barbara and Janice.
Jesse: Barbara and Janice. Barbara.
Barbara: Hi, Jody. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Michelle. Hi, Robbie.
Jody: Hi, everybody. Jesse, my Robbie doesn't get along with Barb's Benji, so try and keep them separated.
Jesse: And here I thought I'd have nothing to do.
Janice: Hi, Jesse. Hi, Barbara. Hi, Jody. Hi, Ryan. Hi, Robbie. Hi, Michelle.
Jesse: Thank you very much for coming. Go ahead, my friend. Listen, I'm very good with children. You go have fun. Have a nice day. Shop. Come back.
Jody, Barbara & Janice: Okay. Bye. Bye-bye, girls. Thank you. Bye-bye, girls. Bye, girls.
Jesse: And we thank you. Attention, all crumb-gobblers. Joseph's out of town. Big J's in charge here. It's quite simple. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. The choice is yours.
Kid: Laundry fight.
Jesse: Bad choice. Listen, I spent all day cleaning. Gentlemen, listen, I think-- We should throw laundry this afternoon. Thank you. Thanks very much. Thank you. How would Cosby handle this?

In the kitchen
DJ: I miss Joey already.
Stephanie: Yeah, me too.
Jesse: Not like I miss him.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, maybe we should eat without Daddy. Sometimes he comes home real late.
Jesse: But a family should always eat together. Now, we'll give your father five more minutes, okay?
DJ: Could we start on some vegetables? Did I say vegetables? I must be starving.
Danny: Hi, honey, I'm home. Hi, girls.
DJ & Stephanie: Hi, Dad.
Danny: I'm sorry I'm late. I had to rush out to cover a Warriors practice session. Traffic was miserable--
Jesse: Give me a break.
Danny: Huh?
Jesse: Don't "huh" me. You waltz in here 25 minutes late and expect sympathy?
Danny: Well, I didn't know you--
Jesse: I have cleaned the house...and washed and ironed your clothes...and ran a daycare center for socially deviant munchkins...and missed Opreh. Ran this one to a ballet lesson, this one to the dentist. No cavities. Do you realize that I have slaved over a hot stove, so you could have a hot meal when you come home, huh?
Danny: Jesse, I'm sorry.
Jesse: "Sorry." "Sorry." Sorry doesn't change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined. Ruined. It's all dried out. But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me you're going to be 25 minutes late? No! Well, I am not an animal. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm turning into June Cleaver.
Danny: You are a beautiful human being. Jesse, the first day is always the toughest. Hey, my sad little soldier. This will perk you up. I figured out the perfect solution to Joey's alcove problem. I talked to some contractors and during the next two weeks, we are going to build Joey his own bedroom.
DJ: Good idea!
Jesse: Oh, great. Another room for me to clean.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, your chicken's pretty good.
Stephanie: Yeah, it's just a little dry.

In the living room
Joey: I'm back.
Stephanie: The duck flies at midnight! I got it!
Danny: Okay. Everybody be cool. Don't say a thing.
Jesse: Okay. Whose turn is it? What do you got? I'd like to buy Indiana. All right. $500.
Danny: Okay. Don't forget the change. There you go. All right, whose turn is it?
Joey: Hello.
Danny: Hi, Joe.
DJ: Hi, Joey.
Jesse: Whose turn is it?
Danny: How did the college tour go?
Joey: Fine. Real good. How did everything go here?
Jesse: Oh, real cool. The house is cool. Kids are cool. There's Peking duck in the fridge for you.
Joey: Just out of curiosity, would anybody happen to know where all my stuff is?
Danny: Yeah, we moved it down to the garage.
Joey: I see.
Jesse: I think it's your turn.
Joey: Well, maybe there's something else you'd like to tell me, like goodbye.
Danny: Joey.
Joey: Adio's. Am-scray.
DJ: Joey.
Joey: Hit the road, Joey.
Jesse: Joey, your stuff is in the garage. Go check it out.
Joey: Oh, I'll check it out, and then I'll pack it up. You just threw all my stuff down in the garage? Why didn't you just fling it out on the front lawn? Am I still getting my mail here, or did you forward it to the gutter? I didn't demand to move in here. I volunteered to help out. And if you didn't need my help, all you had to say was--

In the garage
Joey: Joey is an idiot. I got a bathroom, my Jets, Manny, my bed. I love it!
Danny: You deserve it!
Joey: How'd you guys get my old furniture?
Danny: Your mom.
Joey: What happened to all the junk down here?
DJ: Attic.
Joey: Where's your motorcycle?
Jesse: Back yard.
Joey: Hey, where are we gonna park our cars?
Stephanie: Street.
Joey: This was the garage? Danny, this must've cost a fortune.
Danny: Don't ask. Joey, you're my best friend...and you're doing me the biggest favor of my life by helping me raise my girls. This is just our way of saying thanks.
Joey: No one has ever done anything like this for me before. And the best part is, as great as my new room is you guys really want me here.
Danny: Are you kidding? You're a part of our family. Face it, pal. You're a Tanner.
Jesse: Welcome home, Joseph. Tomorrow, you're on the day shift.
DJ: Steph, I got great news. This means you can move into the alcove.
Stephanie: You're too good to me. It's all yours.
Joey: Thanks for the room, everybody.
Danny: Forward your mail to the gutter, huh?
Jesse: Fling your stuff on the lawn, huh?
Joey: I was kidding. I'm a comedian in the kidding business.
Jesse: Kid this, buddy.

*** End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1987
Directed by: Don Barnhart
Written by: Russell Marcus

Guest Cast:
Jody: Unknown
Barbara: Unknown
Janice: Unknown
Benji: Unknown