Full House Scripts - Season 1

In the station
Newsreader: The Channel 8 Action News at 4 will be right back...with Danny Tanner and all the sports.
Danny: You'll see grunting, sweat, and when I'm done doing that...I'll read the scores.
Derek: We've gone to commercial.
Newsreader: Great, thank you.
Danny: Robin, hi. How did your interview go? Wait, don't tell me. Mr. Morton loved you and you're our new reporter. And if you are, are you making more money than me?
Robin: Yeah, right. My first reporting job, making more money than you? I haven't even met Mr. Morton, he's still at lunch.
Danny: He is gonna love you. It'll be so great to have you here. Unless you make more money than me.
Derek: Tanner. Warriors just made a trade.
Danny: I'll be right there.
Derek: Let's move it.
Danny: In a second, Derrick. Why don't you come over for dinner tonight?
Robin: Great. I'll check into my hotel--
Danny: Hotel? For my old pal Robin? You are checking in at the Tanner Hilton. I'll put a new paper strip over the toilet, you'll be all set.
Derek: Tanner, move, move, move!
Danny: Derrick, do you need me for something?
Jesse: Have mercy. Michelle, look at her. She's beautiful. All right, kid, do your thing. All right, Michelle...beam her in.
Robin: She is so adorable.
Jesse: Here she comes, Michelle. You're better than a Ferrari.
Robin: Hi there, little angel. Hello.
Jesse: Hello.
Robin: I was just thinking that this has to be the cutest little baby I've ever seen.
Jesse: Oh, you think she's cute now, watch this. Go ahead, try it.
Robin: Are you sure?
Jesse: Yeah, go.
Robin: Okay.
Jesse: I think my niece Michelle really likes you.
Robin: It's a pleasure to meet...you, Michelle. I'm Robin Winslow.
Jesse: Michelle wants you to know my name's Jesse Cochran. What, Michelle? Excuse me. I know this is kind of embarrassing, and we just met and all...but Michelle thinks that maybe the three of us should get together for an evening of dinner and dancing.
Robin: Oh, well, listen, I've gotta get settled in tonight. But if tomorrow night's good, how about maybe the three of us meet here around 6.
Jesse: Darn. Michelle's got tickets to the opera tomorrow night. But I suppose you and I could still go out.
Robin: Well, only if it's all right with Michelle.
Jesse: Oh, it's fine-- Let me ask. Is it okay, Michelle? Is it okay? Michelle says it's okay. So should we seal it with a kiss? For Michelle, of course.
Robin: Of course.
Jesse: Michelle, give her a kiss. Michelle thinks you have beautiful eyes.
Robin: I think Michelle's been hanging around too many singles bars. Bye, Michelle. Bye, Jesse.
Jesse: What a team.
Derek: Stand by. On the air in 15 seconds.
Jesse: I've got an audition, and Joey's running the girls around town...so you have to take Michelle.
Danny: Yeah, but I--
Newsreader: And now, here with all the sports, our very own Danny Tanner.
Danny: Hello. I'd like to introduce a new addition to the sports segment. My daughter Michelle. Michelle is here to pick tonight's NBA winners. Okay, honey, who do you think is gonna win? Do you think the Warriors can beat the Nuggets tonight? Yes, Michelle picks the Warriors. By how many points, honey? Five points. Yes, see that? One point, maybe. One point. Five points. Thank you, Michelle the Greek.

In the living room
Robin: DJ, I remember you when you were that big. Do you remember me at all?
DJ: Sure I do. You were the one who looked like you.
Robin: Right.
Danny: It's okay Deej, you were only 5.
Stephanie: I'm only 5. Does that mean I'm gonna forget all this?
DJ: Probably.
Stephanie: I should be taking notes.

In the kitchen
Joey: Now, Michelle, if anyone asks you, I made this dinner completely by myself. You never saw these takeout cartons.
Stephanie: But I see them.
Joey: Hi.
Stephanie: Joey, Joey, Joey.
Joey: Steph, I'm tired of getting a hard time because I'm not the world's greatest cook.
Stephanie: Don't worry, Joey, I'm not the world's greatest anything.
Joey: Now, that is not true. You are the world's greatest Stephanie, and that's a lot.
Stephanie: Thanks, Joey, and don't worry, I'll keep your secret. But watch her, she's a blabbermouth.
Joey: Okay. Why don't you go tell everyone I'm almost through cooking. All right. Thank you. I'll just get rid of the evidence.
Jill: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hi, Jill. Yeah, I am just cooking up a storm here.
Jill: Is Jesse home yet?
Joey: Jill, are you dating Jesse again?
Jill: Well, we never really stopped. If we don't have a date with anybody else, we have a date with each other.
Joey: Unbelievable. Even when he doesn't have a date, he has a date. Go on, get out of here.

In the living room
Jesse: Hello, everybody.
Danny: Jesse. Robin, meet my brother-in-law, Jesse. Jesse, this is Robin. She was a news writer at my first station.
Jesse: Hello.
Robin: Hi.
Jesse: Hi.
Robin: Hi.
Danny: Any day now, they'll get to "nice to meet you."
Jesse: Going out tomorrow, right?
Robin: Absolutely.
DJ: Boy, does he work fast.
Jesse: We met at the station.
Danny: I hope you don't mind, but I invited Robin to stay here this weekend...and I thought she could stay in your room.
Jesse: God bless you.
Danny: That means you'll be moving in with--
Jesse: No, no, no. Don't say it. Please don't say the J word.
Joey: Come on, soup's on. Plenty of grub for everybody. Get them doggies rolling. Go on, grab a beef hoof, Danny. Go on. Hi, roomie.
Jill: Hi, Jesse.
Jesse: Hi, Jill. Hi, Jill--Hi, Jill.
Jill: You didn't forget our date tonight, did you?
Jesse: No, I didn't forget. Of course not. We're going right now. Let's go get something to eat, shall we?
Joey: Wait, don't go out, I spent hours cooking a delicious Chinese meal.
Jill: Yum. I love Chinese.
Joey: I better check on my egg rolls.
Jesse: You better protect your egg rolls.

In the kitchen
Joey: Have a seat, roomie.
Jesse: So, Robin, this is my friend Jill. Jill, this is my other friend Robin. Yes, friends meeting friends...having a nice friendly dinner of friendship, if you will.
Robin: Jill and I have met, but it's nice to meet you again. In fact, Jill was telling me that you two have a date tonight.
Jill: Yeah, could you believe he got off this cheap? But he's so cute...how could you not love him?
Jesse: So let's see what Joseph's cooked up for us tonight, shall we? Look at this food.
Robin: Joey, this smells great.
DJ: It is, it's good.
Joey: Thank you, I guess that's the last we'll hear about Joey being a bad cook.
Danny: You know, it tastes a little like the lo mein at Uncle Wu's Chinese Palace.
Joey: Yes, it does.
Stephanie: Except it's much better.
Joey: Thank you, Stephanie.
Jill: So, sweetie, what movie should we see tonight?
Jesse: We'll decide on the way. So, DJ, how was your day at school?
DJ: Fine.
Jesse: Steph, how was your day at school today?
Stephanie: Fine.
Jesse: Normally, you can't shut them up. Daniel, you have an exciting career, how was your day at work?
Danny: Fine.
Jill: This food is yum. You know, Jesse and I met in a Chinese restaurant.
Jesse: I don't think they wanna hear about that, Jill.
DJ: Oh, I'd love to.
Jesse: Now she talks.
Jill: Well, Jesse came in to pick up a takeout order with baby Michelle. There's something about a man with a baby...that's so sexy...and so hard to resist.
Robin: Oh, it's becoming easier.
Danny: You use my baby to meet women?
Joey: Michelle, tomorrow you're coming with me to the market.
Jill: Once Jesse got me to kiss the baby...I was hooked.
Robin: Really? Did you blow on her tummy too?
Jill: Yeah, the first time I met her. How did you know?
Robin: Just some crazy hunch.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, is the food too spicy for you?
Jesse: No, why?
DJ: Because you're sweating bullets.

In Jesse's room
Robin: Turning to local news, substantial rainfall on key northern watersheds has eliminated..
Jesse: Hello, hello.
Danny: Hey, Jess.
Jesse: Hope I'm not interrupting.
Danny: Oh, not at all. Robin and I were working on her audition.
Jesse: Great. This will just take a few minutes, I need to talk to Robin privately.
Danny: Sounds like my cue.
Robin: No, Danny, don't go. Jesse, if this is about Jill, there's nothing to explain.
Jesse: There is. I want you to know there's nothing between us.
Robin: Jesse, we just met. There is no reason...why you should feel bad about having a date tonight.
Jesse: Great. So we're still going out tomorrow night?
Robin: I've been thinking about this, and it's probably not a good idea. I should be focusing on my career.
Jesse: Did I hear you say you're breaking our date?
Danny: Did I just hear Michelle?
Robin: Danny, don't go. Yes. Jesse, I'm sorry, but I am. I'm breaking our date.
Jesse: No.
Robin: Yes.
Jesse: No.
Robin: Yes.
Danny: Jesse, she's breaking the date.
Jesse: No.
Robin & Danny: Yes.
Robin: Truth is, seeing you and Jill together made me realize...I've been out with you before.
Jesse: Not in this life. Oh, I-- In a past life, we doubled with Shirley MacLaine and King Tut, right?
Robin: Okay, that was very cute.
Jesse: I'm cute. You think I'm cute now, I am adorable on a date. Tell her.
Danny: He's a fox.
Robin: What I meant is, I've been out with your type before...and it always gets me into trouble.
Jesse: Oh, I'm a type?
Danny: I'm sure there's someplace I have to be.
Jesse: Sit down! You don't wanna miss this, she's about to tell me about my type. Go ahead, type away.
Robin: All right. I'll tell you exactly what your type is. You're the guitar-playing, leather-wearing, Elvis-loving, motorcycle-riding, girl-chasing, blow-drying, baby-toting, tough-guy type. How's that?
Jesse: Lucky guess. But you got me.
Robin: Yeah.
Jesse: You got me on that one. Robin, sit down. See, I'm other types too. I'm the romantic type. I'm the compassionate type. I'm the type that's attracted to your type.
Robin: Really?
Danny: Is anyone aware of the fact that I'm still in the room? Excuse me.
Robin: Danny, don't you dare leave now. Jesse, there's one more thing about your type. I bet you haven't had a relationship last more than three months. Am I right or am I right?
Jesse: Wrong.
Robin: Wrong?
Jesse: Wrong. I was madly in love with this girl....Sharon....
Danny: Edwards.
Jesse: Edwards. Sharon Edwards. I was madly in love with Sharon for four beautiful months.
Danny: I remember. Didn't she spend two of those beautiful months in Europe?
Jesse: Get out! Get out. Get out of here.
Danny: Yes, I can leave now. I'm off now to patch up that pesky Iran-Iraq squabble.
Robin: The truth? I'm afraid of getting hurt again. Guys like you and I, we never work out, because we're totally different people.
Jesse: Yes, but, Robin, that's the exciting part. That's the beauty of this. We're like fire and ice, you and me.
Robin: Do you know what you get with fire and ice?
Jesse: Yeah, steam.
Robin: A puddle. Good night, Jesse.
Jesse: I'm not taking no for an answer.
Robin: I'm not going out with you. Thanks for your room.
Jesse: You're kicking me out of my room?
Robin: I am.
Jesse: Thank you very much.
Robin: You're welcome.

In the hall
Jesse: And don't touch any of my records! Hi. We were just...talking and--
Joey: It's none of our business. We were all just passing in the hall at the exact same time.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, you really like her, huh?
Jesse: No, I don't like her. I'll admit, at first, there was a wee bit of an attraction....Yes, I really like her. This is the worst breakup ever in my whole entire life. And I haven't even been out with her yet.

In the kitchen
Jesse: Fellas, look, I'm all right. It's over, her loss, I'm moving on.
Joey: You can't fool your roomie.
Jesse: Joseph, why don't you believe me?
Joey: Because you were up almost the whole night singing "Heartbreak Hotel" in your sleep.
Danny: Jesse, you always rush into everything. Why don't you just slow down, let her get to know you, be her friend first.
Jesse: Friends are what you're forced to become after you break up. Look, guys, it doesn't matter, okay? I'm fine.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Is that why just you served me the leaning towerof french toast?
Jesse: You look thin.
Danny: Oh, and I suppose I'm King Kong Bundy?

In DJ and Stephanie's room
Stephanie: You're getting so pretty.
DJ: Can I help you with your nails?
Robin: Sure, D.J, just try to stay above the cuticles, okay?
Stephanie: Are there any other parts on your body that I can help with?
Robin: Would you like to brush my hair?
Stephanie: All right! Much better than nails.
DJ: When you get the job and move here, you can come visit us all the time.
Stephanie: And date Uncle Jesse.
Robin: I'd love to see the two of you...but I wouldn't count on me dating your uncle.
DJ: You know David and Maddie on Moonlighting didn't like each other at first either.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse's a great catch.
DJ: He can sing.
Stephanie: And he gives fun piggyback rides.
DJ: He's got an awesome head of hair.
Stephanie: And he teaches you to ride a two-wheeler without training wheels. As long as you don't ride in the street.
Robin: Now, you two are so sweet. I only hope someday I have nieces just like you.
Stephanie: Marry Uncle Jesse, and you will.
Jesse: Good morning, girls.
DJ & Stephanie: Morning.
Jesse: Hi, Robin.
Robin: Good morning, Jesse.
Jesse: I'll give you a ride to school on my bikemobile.
DJ: Shotgun.
Stephanie: No fair, I gotta get my milk money.
Jesse: Okay, hurry up, I'll wait for you. What, what, what? Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. You're in luck. It just so happens that I went to finger college, okay? Now, in order to treat your finger, I gotta know what color the pain is. You have to close your eyes, put your finger on your nose...that way, we can tell what color the pain is. Do it. I'm the finger doctor. Very good. Now, what color is the pain?
Stephanie: It's kind of green.
Jesse: It's kind of green? Any other colors? How about polka dots?
Stephanie: Yeah, there's polka dots. Blue ones.
Jesse: Blue ones. Any stripes?
Stephanie: No stripes.
Jesse: Oh, good. That's good because stripes are dangerous. All right, this is easy to diagnose. Nine out of 10 doctors will agree...that we can solve the pain by opening your eyes...and taking your finger off your nose.
Stephanie: It's gone. Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: All right, no charge. We'll put it on your father's medical insurance.
Stephanie: You're wasting your time killing bugs.
Jesse: Come on, I'll give you a piggyback ride. Here we go, here we go, here we go. Up!
Stephanie: Good luck today. What a guy, huh?

In the station
Danny: And there were no fights in hockey today. Finally, Michelle would like to thank all of you...for your calls asking her to be a regular on the 4:00 sports. Yesterday, Michelle picked the Warriors by five, and son of a gun....Son of a gun if they didn't win 106 to 101. But I'm afraid Michelle is retiring as oddsmaker...that's right, to resume her former career of eating, learning to talk and burping. Well, that's sports. This is Danny and Michelle Tanner...saying bye-bye, and bye-bye.
Newsreader: So long, San Francisco. Until 6, see you then.
Derek: We're off the air.
Jesse: Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Danny: Jesse, thanks for picking up Michelle.
Jesse: No problem. Everybody has a purpose in life. Mine is chauffeuring around little babies.
Danny: Keep up the good work.
Jesse: Okay.
Robin: Substantial rainfall in key watersheds has eliminated the threat of cutbacks...in water deliveries next year to municipal and industrial users in California. Now, what does this--?
Michelle: Hi. Hi.
Robin: What is it, Jesse?
Jesse: Michelle was just saying how interesting it was.
Robin: Don't do that Michelle business, please. You didn't like it, be honest.
Jesse: How do I say this without hurting your feelings? It put me to sleep.
Robin: That's not how you'd say it.
Jesse: You-- You have something special inside you. You gotta let it out. You gotta show some energy.
Robin: Auditions scare me to death.
Jesse: You have to have fun, you know? You have to have fun, like the kid. You can't be afraid to get crazy. Let me show you. Let me show you what I'm talking about. Here, hold the baby. Come here. It's gotta be something like this.
Robin: Okay.
Jesse: Hello, San Francisco. How the heck are you? Jesse Cochran here, For the Channel Ocho News. Today's top story is wet and wild. Get this: There has been substantial rainfall in key northern watersheds. What's that mean? No more having to beg for water in restaurants...take longer showers, wash your car every day. And, hey, yank that brick out of the toilet, huh? San Francisco, the good life is back. We've got water coming out our ears! Municipal and industrial users in Northern California, have mercy. See? That's it. You gotta laugh, you gotta smile. You have to put that into your audition.
Derek: We gotta beet up security in here. Miss Winslow, you're on.
Jesse: She's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's charming...everything I want in a newswoman. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Miss Robin Winslow! Give me the kid.
Robin: Thank you, young man. Whoever he was, I....Hello, San Francisco. This is Robin Winslow, Channel 8 News. Substantial rainfall in key northern watersheds has....

In the kitchen
Danny: To Robin, Channel 8's newest field reporter.
Jesse & Joey: All right.
Robin: And to all of you, for all of your help. Thank you.
Stephanie: You're welcome.
DJ: What did you do?
Stephanie: I don't know. But when somebody says "thank you"...you're supposed to say "you're welcome."
Robin: Jesse, can I have a word with you?
Jesse: Sure. Will you excuse us?
Stephanie: You're excused. I love being polite.
Robin: I just wanted to thank you for all your help.
Jesse: Hey, I'm happy to do it. Which part helped you out the most?
Robin: Oh, I'd have to say it was your insane newscast. It was so awful, it made me looked terrific.
Jesse: And it's all part of my plan.
Robin: I was wrong about you. You're different than all the other "yous" I've dated, but you know what I like most?
Jesse: Let's see, how about my love for adventure? The way I live my life on the edge?
Robin: Your strong maternal instincts.
Jesse: The words I've been dying to hear from a woman. Oh, boy, how did this happen? I never used to like kids until I talked to one.
Robin: Well, you've got a terrific family here. Those girls really adore you. And I'm beginning to see why.
Jesse: Listen, Robin, I'm not the type of guy that just rushes into relationships, okay? I think you and I should become friends.
Robin: I'd like that.
Jesse: Good. So we'll just be friends, period.
Robin: You got it, buddy.
Jesse: All right, pal. But listen, if you wanna go beyond this friendship thing...you'll have to make the first move because it won't be me.
Robin: I understand that. Let's get back to the party. Come on.
Jesse: Robin, I'm curious. If you did happen to make that first move, what would it be? I mean, I would hate to miss it.
Robin: Trust me, if a made a move, you'd know it. Okay, pal?
Jesse: Okay, little buddy. Was that a move?
Robin: Did your toes curl?
Jesse: Yeah, does that mean you're making a move?
Robin: No, when I make a move...everything curls.
Jesse: Have mercy.

*** End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1988
Directed by: Jeff Franklin & Russell Marcus
Written by: Howard Storm

Guest Cast:
Robin: Kristian Alfonso
Jill: Unknown
Derek: Unknown
Newsreader: Unknown