Full House Scripts - Season 1

No Teaser

we find the entire cast in the front room, along with the Rippers
Jesse: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3
Jesse & The Rippers: (singing) Ah-oo, doo doo, ah-oo, doo... Hodja, please show me how tospin. I want to do that dance till I forget where I am; so get up out of your bed one more time. Hodja, make me spin.
Jesse: (singing) Yeah, someday soon, you will be movin' on, child
The Rippers: (singing) Hodja, please, wont you show me how you do it?
Jesse: (singing) Won't you let me be the one you lay the secret on now?
The Rippers: (singing) Hodja, wont you let me be the ... how d'ya do it?
Jesse: (singing) It's a 2, 4, 6, 8, take it from the top.
Jesse & The Rippers: (singing) You got to start me up and don't let me stop... Hodja, please show me how to spin. I want to do that dance till I forget where I am; so get up out of your bed one more time. Hodja, make me spin. Hodja, please show me how to spin. I want to do that dance till I forget where I am; so get up out of your bed one more time. Hodja, make...
One of The Rippers: (singing) Now, Hodja, make me spin, now...
Jesse & The Rippers: (singing) ...me...
Another Ripper: (singing) Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-eee...
Jesse & The Rippers: (singing) ...spin!
Joey: All right!
Danny: One more time... (starts singing) Hodja, get out of your bed and spin; you got to spin on your head till you're almost dead... (everybody starts staring at Danny, and Danny replies as follows) Hey, if you were all in the shower, you'd be begging for more!
Jesse: I'd be begging to get out. (to the Rippers) All right, guys, very good. I'll see you at dress rehearsal tonight. Goodbye.
The Rippers: (singing) Duh-duh-duh, goodbye.
Jesse: Goodbye, fellows.
The Rippers: (singing) Duh-duh-duh, goodbye.
Jesse: Very nice, guys.
The Rippers: (singing) Duh-duh-duh, goodbye, goodbye, good...
One of The Rippers: (singing) goo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ood
Jesse: I'll see you at dress rehearsal...
The Rippers: (singing) ...bye...
Another Ripper: (singing) ...ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
All but The Rippers: Goodbye!

The Rippers exit the front door, singing "goodbye.
Danny: Steph? Stephanie, honey, are you okay?
Stephanie: I feel yucky.
Danny: Well, honey, let's see if you feel any better if I move you over to the couch, okay? Here you go; there you are. Now, how do you feel, honey?
Stephanie: I still feel yucky.
Danny: Let me see that...
Joey: Let me see that...
(Danny, Jesse, and Joey all start comparing the temperature of their foreheads with the temperature of Stephanie's forehead)
DJ: I think they're all running a fever.
Danny: She's really got a fever. Look at her - she's sweating.
Stephanie: Can I ask a question? Aren't I too young to get pimples?
Danny: Uh-oh. Stephanie, those aren't pimples. I think they're chicken pox.
Stephanie: Chicken pox! I caught something from a CHICKEN?
Danny: No, honey, you probably just caught this from somebody at school. Don't worry - you'll be fine. Everybody gets chicken pox.
DJ: I had 'em.
Jesse: I had 'em.
Danny: I had 'em too.
Joey: I never had 'em, and I never will - I'm immune to chicken pox.
Jesse: You can't be immune to chicken pox, huh?
Joey: Every kid in my school had 'em but me. I guess when you're an awesome physical specimen like my own bad self, germs take one look at my body and say, "Hey! Why waste our time?"
Jesse: Women say the same thing.
Joey: That's right.
Danny: So, I guess nobody here has to worry about catching chicken pox.
Michelle: Ooh, ooooh...
Danny: Oh my god!
Joey: I'll take her...

Danny and Stephanie in DJ and Stephanie's bedroom, Stephanie is in bed..
Stephanie: Dad, I'm itching, I'm itching...
Danny: Aw, sweetheart, remember what the doctor said - no scratching.
Stephanie: How am I supposed to scratch with these on my hands?
Danny: Those help take away the itch. They're magic oven mitts.
Stephanie: Dad, get real. They're for TV dinners.
Danny: Any second now, your uncle Jesse will be up here with something to help stop the itching.
Stephanie: It better help! I gotta be all better by tomorrow. That's when a real ballerina is coming to dance for my ballet class.
Danny: I know, but if you want to be better real soon, you gotta get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.
Stephanie: Rest, fluids, got it.
DJ enters the room
DJ: Here, Steph, here's your juice.
Stephanie: (gulps down entire glass and says as follows) Keep 'em coming, DJ. This time, orange juice, but no pulp.
DJ: Wait till you get better...

As DJ leaves, Jesse enters, dressed in a shiny green suit. DJ starts laughing and has to cover her mouth
Jesse: How do I look?
Danny: Like you should be spinning from the ceiling of a disco.
Jesse: All right, come here, Steph. I found something that's gonna suck the itch right out of your body. Come here; sit over here; sit over here. Here, take care of this, lift the shirt...
Stephanie: Hurry up - it's still itching!
Jesse: All right, get it up here. Now let me tell you something. When I had the chicken pox, I never scratched them once. You know why?
Stephanie: I haven't the slightest idea.
Jesse: Because I got tough. GRRR! Now, let me hear you be tough.
Stephanie: ...grr...
Jesse: Nice try.
Joey enters the room
Joey: Growling? Puh-lease! Steph, what you need is state-of-the-art medical technology. I give you Teddy Itch-No-More.
Stephanie: I'll try anything!
Joey: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me show you how it works. First, where does it itch the most?
Stephanie: My tummy.
Joey: Now, scratch Teddy Itch-No-More on his tummy.
Stephanie: Yeah, now we're in business!
Joey: But wait... you also get this special bonus gift - something to let us know when you need us. Tada...
Joey gives Stephanie an airhorn
Danny: Oh, no.
Jesse: You didn't.
Stephanie blows the airhorn
Jesse: Ahh!
Stephanie: Thanks, Joey!
Danny & Jesse: (sarcastically) Yeah, thanks, Joey!
Danny: (sarcastically) That's very nice.
Joey: Always thinking.
DJ enters the room with a plate full of glasses of orange juice - with no pulp
DJ: Here, this ought to hold you for 5 minutes.
Stephanie: I hope so.
Danny: Okay, sweetheart, get in bed. Now, I'm gonna be here with you all weekend, except for tomorrow afternoon, when I have to finish my special report on the Golden State Warriors. (Jesse hands a glass of orange juice to Danny) Thanks. Your father is actually going to put on a uniform, warm up with the team, and sit on the bench during a real game.
Jesse: Good for you.
Danny: And if 8 players get hurt, and a peanut vendor, then I'm in!
Jesse: Now, Steph, I got my dress rehearsal tonight, and my doo-wop show tomorrow night, but other than that, I'm all yours.
Joey: And I'm available all weekend, because, ah, unfortunately, I'm available all weekend.
Stephanie: I don't mean to be rude, but I got to get some rest. Out, out, out, out, out, out, out!
Everyone but Stephanie starts walking out of the room.
Jesse: She's really too cute to be your kid.
Stephanie blows the airhorn, and everybody comes running back
Danny: What is it, honey?
Stephanie: Just testing...
Danny, Jesse, and DJ stare at Joey
Joey: Well, it works.

Danny, DJ, and Michelle in Michelle's bedroom
DJ: Dad, do I really have to sleep in the nursery? It's way too cute in here.
Danny: Stephanie needs her rest. DJ, are you telling me that you aren't thrilled to death to share a room with this sweet little bundle of baby fun?
DJ: That's not fair.
Danny: Good night, DJ, and good night, Michelle. (as Danny kisses Michelle, the airhorn blows) Something tells me I ought to check on Stephanie... (airhorn blows again) ...and kill Joey! Good night.
DJ: Good night. (Danny leaves the room) Okay, Michelle, how many people think Michelle should go to sleep right now? I do. One to nothing; I win. Well, night-night, Michelle; sleep tight.
Michelle: Uh-ba-ba.
DJ: Now Michelle, this is not a slumber party. Now you need some sleep. Lie down...
Michelle: Uh-ba-ba.
DJ: Now Michelle, I mean it. Go to sleep. No bye-bye; night-night. (DJ points at Michelle with her pointer) Sit. Lie down. (Michelle obeys) This is a good finger...

The next morning, Danny and DJ in the kitchen
Danny: DJ, check this out! (Danny tries to spin ball while singing, but fails) (singing) Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da. (talking again) Maybe if I hold the ball still, and I spin, I'll actually create the illusion that I can do this. (Danny sees DJ eating her cereal really fast) DJ, hey, slow down. You're not supposed to chug-a-lug your cereal.
DJ: Sorry, dad, but they're picking me up in 2 minutes for my very first slumber party.
Danny: I understand, but do you also want your very first Heimlich maneuver?
Jesse comes down the stairs into the kitchen, looking tired
Jesse: (groaning) Uhh. Morning.
Danny: Nice look, Jesse. Did your blow-dryer short out? What's a matter, Jesse?
Jesse: Nothin', I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.
Jesse's head collapses and falls on the kitchen table, while Joey comes up the stairs from his room in the old garage into the kitchen
Danny: Good morning, Joey.
Joey: (groaning) Oh... I got a fever. I'm sweaty; I'm chilly; obviously it's malaria. Look at all these mosquito bites!
Danny: Those aren't mosquito bites - those are chicken pox!
Joey: That's impossible - I'm immune!
Jesse: You're immune to common sense. (the phone rings, and Jesse gets up) Face it, you got the chicken pox.
Joey: Okay, but as soon as I'm over this, I'm immune.
Jesse: (talking on the telephone) Hello... Oh, hello, mother. How's Palm Springs... oh yeah... yeah... I'm fine; everything's fine here except that Stephanie and Joey have the chicken pox... What are you talking about? Mother, I had the chicken pox. Remember how tough I was... it was an allergic reaction to wool? But I was still tough... Yes, I know, fluids, lots of rest... no dating... bye, mother. (Jesse hangs up the telephone)
Danny: I'm in trouble. The station is counting on me to be with the Warriors, and I got two babysitters who can't go near the baby. I've got to find a sitter... (Danny looks at DJ, and then, the doorbell rings)
DJ: Well, gotta go. Ah, (shouts) I'll be right there. (to Danny) You'll be fine, won't you, dad?
Danny: Oh, honey, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. I'll just... I'll start calling around. There's gotta be, oh, at least 20 sitters in here just dying to make a dollar 50 an hour. Honey, you go; you go slumber party hearty.
DJ: Dad, that was almost hip! Sure you'll be okay?
Danny: Oh, I'm positive. Go, go, go.
DJ: Okay, bye. (DJ leaves)
Danny: Great. I've got 47 minutes to find a sitter. Guys, I may be almost hip, but I'm definitely in trouble. Guys? (Jesse and Joey are sleeping on the kitchen table) Guys?
In the hallway, upstairs - Stephanie is dressed up in a disguise, trying to sneak out of the house to her ballet class)
Stephanie: Goodbye, chicken pox prison; hello, ballerina. Yikes!
Stephanie hides in the bathroom; Jesse comes up the stairs and walks through the hallway
Jesse: (groaning) ...aaah...
Stephanie sneaks down the stairs and tries to go into the garage, but Joey comes up the stairs, so she hides again
Joey: Where's my bacon, eggs, toast, juice, and tea? Danny, where are you?
Danny: (shouting from another room) On the phone, calling sitters.
Joey: Oh, all right. I'll give you a hand - I'll write down exactly what I want. Oh where the heck is a pen when you need one? (Stephanie throws a pen on the floor near Joey, and Joey finds it) Oh. (telephone rings) I must be sicker than I thought...
Stephanie continues to sneak into the front room, where Danny is on the phone...
Danny: (talking on the telephone) Please, Derek, you can't replace me. I've shot all the other footage; I've done all the other interviews. Derek, I'm already wearing the suit, and I look really cute. Yes, don't worry. I'll be there. Right, 37 minutes. (Danny hangs up the telephone) 37 minutes?
Joey: (shouting) Danny!
Danny: (shouting) I'm coming! (talking) I wish chicken pox caused laryngitis. Got to find a baby sitter. (Danny leaves the room)
Stephanie: I'm history!
Stephanie sneaks to the front door, and is about to leave
Jesse: Freeze! Well, well, well, well, well, well, well. What have we here?
Stephanie: (in an abnormally high voice) Hello, Mr. Cochran.
Jesse: And hello to you, little stranger. Do I know you?
Stephanie: (in an abnormally high voice) I'm my friend Karen. I just came by to visit poor, little Stephanie.
Jesse: That's very considerate of you, Karen.
Stephanie: (in an abnormally high voice) She's missing a real ballerina.
Jesse: Ah, well why don't you go upstairs and say hi. As you know, Stephanie is very sick with the chicken pox, and shouldn't be going anywhere.
Stephanie: (in an abnormally high voice) Chicken pox? I'd better get out of here!
Jesse: Not so fast, Karen. It's too late. You've probably already gotten them from me.
Stephanie: (in her normal voice) Uncle Jesse, you have the chicken pox too?
Jesse: What was that, Karen?
Stephanie: (in an abnormally high voice, again) I mean... Mister Uncle... I mean... Uncle Cochran... I mean... Jesse... Mister... I mean... I... I... (returning to her normal voice) I can't take it anymore. It's me. It's me. Stephanie.
Jesse: Unbelievable! Stephanie Ta... I could have sworn that it was Lauren Bacall. Now, what are you doing out of bed, young lady?
Stephanie: I'm all better.
Jesse: Mmm, then what are those little bumps doing all over your face?
Stephanie: Those are my all better bumps.
Jesse: I wish they were, kid, but we both know they're not. Now, come on.
Stephanie: Be careful - my chicken pox.
Jesse: Oh right, yeah. (Jesse holds Stephanie by the pinky) All right. Now Steph, unfortunately, being sick sometimes means having to miss out on something you really want to do. But the trick is, you gotta be tough, like your uncle Jesse.
Stephanie: Does this mean you don't care about missing your doo-wop show?
Jesse: (groaning) Oh, I got to miss my doo-wop show!
Stephanie: Remember what you told me. Be tough. GRRR!
Jesse: ...grr... Come on, kid, I'll get you some PJ's; all right, here we go. The chicken pock twins - get the strut down; get the chicken strut.
Jesse and Joey, in Joey's room (the old garage)
Jesse: Ahh! These clothes are killing me! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Joey: Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh! You know, I got an idea.
Jesse: What?
Joey: If you scratch me, and I scratch you, than we're both still tough guys, right?
Jesse: Tough, yet resourceful. Get my back. (Joey scratches Jesse's back)
Joey: Get mine. (Jesse scratches Joey's back)
Jesse: Together. (Jesse and Joey rub their backs together) Down.
Joey: Up.
Jesse: Down.
Joey: Up.
Jesse: Down.
Joey: Up.
Jesse: Down.
Joey: Up.
Jesse: Down.
Joey: Up.
Jesse: Down. Scratch my head.
Jesse & Joey: Ah-ah-ah-ah...(Danny and Stephanie enter the room) Hello!
Danny stares at Jesse & Joey

Danny and Michelle, in the front room; Danny is on the telephone
Danny: (talking on the telephone) Hello, Mr. Zuckerman? Hi, this is Danny Tanner. Yeah, I desperately need a babysitter. Is your daughter home?... Oh... well, how about you? Have you ever considered picking up a little extra change babysitting? Hello? Hello? (Danny hangs up the telephone)
Michelle: Ohh...
Danny: Ohh is right. That's it, Michelle, the end of the list. You have any luck? (Michelle, holding her toy telephone, nods her head up and down) Don't tease me like that. I'm dead. Unless I call up Sally Penzo's house and get a hold of DJ before she goes to Carmel for the slumber party... Yeah, then she could make it back in time, and I could get to my game... Oh, but Michelle, she has been looking forward to this for weeks. This is her very first slumber party. But then again, it's my very first Warriors game... But if I call up DJ, it's gonna break her heart. What do you think, Michelle? Should I call up DJ or not?
Michelle: Duh-duh-aaah
Danny: Very tempting, but I just can't do that to DJ. We can still play, though... yeah, let's call each other. Hello, Michelle? Hi, it's daddy. (Michelle hangs up her toy telephone) You hung up on your father? (Michelle smiles)

Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie sitting on the bed in Joey's room (the old garage)
Joey: Ooh. (Jesse sprays a lotion onto Joey's wrist) Ahh.
Stephanie: Ooh. (Jesse sprays a lotion onto Stephanie's wrist) Ahh.
Joey: Ooh. Ahh.
Stephanie: Ooh. Ahh.
Jesse: (singing) That's the sound of men, workin' on the chain gang.
Joey: (singing) Don't you know...
Jesse: (singing) Oh, that's the sound of men, workin' on the chain gang.
Danny enters the room and starts to sing along
Danny: (singing) Here's some tuna fish and soup, its nutritious and delicious, and its great to fight infection for the family that I love... (everyone stares at Danny, and then, Danny offers food to everyone) Joey?
Joey: I'm not hungry.
Danny: Jesse?
Jesse: Me neither.
Danny: Steph?
Stephanie: I'm nauseous.
Danny: Aw... aw, slide over.
Jesse: Ah... ah... ow!
Danny: I'm not going anywhere.
Joey: No sitter?
Danny: Just the one you're looking at. I can't believe I'm going to miss my game.
DJ enters the room
All but DJ: DJ!
Danny: DJ, what are you doing here?
DJ: I wanted to make sure you got a babysitter. Need one?
Danny: Yes. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
DJ: Well, dad, you'd better leave, or you're gonna be late.
Danny: No, I might just make it now. (Danny kisses DJ) Is this a terrific kid or what? You gave up your slumber party for me? Aw, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
DJ: Yeah, well, there'll be other parties. Dad, you do so much for me; this is my chance to do something nice for you. Isn't that what being part of a family is all about?
Danny: Do you hear this? You are really growing up.
DJ: It's not fun.
Joey: DJ, you're becoming very mature and responsible.
Jesse: Yeah, I guess having me for an uncle is starting to rub off on you, DJ.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, you're delirious. Well dad, if you're not going to leave, then I'm going back to the party.
Danny: Oh, I'm out of here; I'm out of here. I am just so honored to be part of this family. Guys, we really are doing something right. DJ, you are one terrific kid. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
DJ: Dad, I'm leaving.
Danny: I'm gone. I'm gone. Bye. (Danny leaves)
DJ: The man loves to hug. Well, you guys don't need anything, do you?
Jesse: Yeah, get my guitar.
Stephanie: Yeah, and I want my coloring book and...
Jesse: ...and some cranberry juice, and some orange juice...
Stephanie: ...paper dolls, and...
Jesse: ... my Rolling Stones tape and my phone book, get my phone book, and..
DJ waves her hand at Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie, and walks away

***End ***

Guest Cast:
The Rippers