Full House Scripts - Season 1

Linda and Joey are playing with the bee group in the living room
Linda: Okay honey bees! Let's all be seated. Who knows what today is?
Bees: Me! Me! Me!
Linda: Stephanie...
Stephanie: Today is the start of the honey bee honey drive!
Linda: Very good, Stephanie!
Stephanie: Thank you!
Linda: Joey, as honorary queen bee, will you pass out the sample honey?
Joey: Linda, I would be delighted! (he hands out the honey glasses to the bees)
Linda: I know our hive is gonna raise lots of money for underprivileged children, and the honey bee who sells the most honey will win this special grand price! (she covers up a bicycle)
Bees: Oh wow!
(Stephanie gets up and sits on it)
Joey: Ah Steph...Steph...
Linda: Stephanie...
Joey: You haven't won the bike yet... (Gets her off)
Stephanie: Yet...That seat was made for my tush!
Joey: I would like to introduce a young lady who holds the record for selling 725 jars of honey; a honey bee legend I might add! Let's put your wings together for DJ Tanner! Oh right!
(Bees applaud as DJ walks in front of them)
DJ: Thank you, honey bees! (takes a honey jar) Uh...memories! Honey bees, every kid can sell raffle tickets for a colour TV! But to own all this stuff, you gotta work your little stinger of! So what are you gonna do? Sell! Let me hear!
All together: Sell! Sell! Sell! Sell! Sell! Sell!
Jesse comes in.
Jesse: Hello!
DJ: Attack!
(All the honey bees get close to Jesse to sell him something)
Jesse: Uo-o-o! Hold it! I'm whipping up bullets all day; a few more won't make a difference! (Goes to Stephanie) You! See me later!
Steph nods. Jesse begins to laugh at Joey. Both go to the kitchen.

Jesse and Joey, in the kitchen. Jesse's still laughing.
Joey: Sure, yak it up! It just so happens that I'm an honorary queen bee!
Jesse: Joseph, this is no news to me! What's this? (points at a big package)
Joey: Uh...It's a treehouse, it's from your mum!
Jesse: My mum always sends me the dopiest gifts!
Joey: I think it's for Michelle!
Danny comes in.
Danny: Hi guys! Are the honey bees here? I didn't miss them, did I?
Jesse: Yes, the honey bees are still here, and more importantly I believe, so is there hive mother Linda!
Danny: Linda? (Takes a pan and uses it as a mirror) Jesse, my daughter is a honey bee, and uhh...Linda just happens to be her hive mother.
Jesse: She also happens to be very pretty and very divorced...
Joey: And you happen to like her, don't you?
Danny: Purely as an insect!
Jesse: Face it, man! You're smitten!
Danny: I am not smitten!
Jesse: I know smitten, you've had it!
Joey: Danny, why don't you just ask her out, it's obvious you're ready to start dating again!
Danny: I don't know...You think it's been enough time?
Jesse: Danny, it's been a year since Pam died! I don't think it's for bad seeing other people, I think it's okay!
Danny: Yeah, but dating! I haven't been on a date since I took Pam to the Senior prom! I don't even remember how to ask a girl out!
Jesse: The same way you asked my sister out, how did you do that?
Danny: Well...Joey asked her out for me.
Jesse: This Joey?
Danny: Joey was sort of my expert on romance.
Jesse: This Joey (laughs)
Joey: It just so happens that I have a way with women.
Jesse: Yes, you take one look at them and they run away! Daniel, listen! You're a reasonably, semi-attractive young man, you've been living with me long enough, I think something must have rubbed off; go in there, be bold, be confident and ask that girl out!
Joey: And don't come back until you got a date!
Jesse: That's right! Go!
Danny: You're right! I can do this! Is my hair okay?
Jesse and Joey: Go on, go... (they push him into the living room)

Danny, Linda and the honey bees are in the living room
Danny: Oh Linda, hi!
Linda: Hi Danny!
Danny: What a nice surprise! I forgot the honey bees were even meeting today!
Linda: Well, we're just rapping things off! (to the bees)Okay, why don't you all buzz into the car.
(the honey bees get out) Thanks so much for letting us use your house again.
Danny: Any time! Mi hive es su hive!
(They both laugh)
(A honey bee comes to Danny)
Honey Bee: Mister Tanner, will you please buy some honey?
Linda: Oh sweetheart, come hear!
Honey Bee: Yes, mummy!
Linda: Oh, I think Mr. Tanner will be buying his honey from Stephanie!
Danny: You know, you can never have to many jars of honey. Sigh me up for three jars!
Honey Bee: Thanks, Mr. Tanner!
Danny: You're welcome!
Stephanie: I don't believe this! I must be dreaming! Daddy, I need the bike!
Danny: Sweetheart, I'm gonna buy from you too! I tell you what: I take ten jars!
Stephanie: Ten jars! Oh...(DJ walks over and covers Steph's mouth)
DJ: Only ten? Dad, you just bought three from the competition! This sweet young child is your own flesh and blood!
Danny: 15 jars?
DJ: Twenty!
Danny: 17!
DJ: Deal! (to Stephanie) Now that's how you set records, kid!
(DJ and Steph get off)
Linda: You just bought 20 jars of honey?
Danny: That's nothing! When DJ set the record, I bought 112! I built the honey cellar downstairs!
Linda: (laughs) You know, you're really a great dad! Well, I got the kids waiting in the car!
Danny: Linda, wait! Uhm...uh... Do you uh...Do you ever go to the movies?
Linda: Sure...I love movies!
Danny: No kidding? Me too! It's a small world! Two people who love movies are living in the same city! It's amazing! (laughing) Where was I?
Linda: I think you were kinda working up the courage to ask me out!?
Danny: Right! I'm still working on it!
Linda: Danny, I've got a car full of bees...But I've got two tickets to a modern art exhibit tonight! I mean, I'd love for you to be my guest, if I can find a sitter!
Danny: Jesse and Joey can do it!
Linda: Great! Then we can have dinner too! My treat! Pick you up here on seven? Okay?
Danny: Okay!
Linda: That's a date?
Danny: It's a date!
Linda: Great! (she steps out)
(Danny closes the door)
Danny: I have a date tonight! I-I have a date! I HAVE a date tonight! I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT! I have a date tonight! And why not? (steps into the kitchen)

In the kitchen, Danny, Jesse, Joey and Michelle
Jesse: Alright Michelle, we put the girls' dream house, it's gonna make Benny the dishrag look like...a dishrak!
Danny: Hi guys! What's happening?
Joey: You tell us!
Danny: Well...uh...I'd like to, but I have to get ready for my date tonight!
Joey: Yes...Yeah!
Jesse: Yeah! You did what I told you, you were in there, you were bold, you were confident, you asked her out and she said yes, right?
Danny: No! I was shy and I was awkward and she asked me out and I said yes!
Joey: No!
Danny: (laughing)Yes! She's treating me to dinner and to an art exhibit!
Jesse: She's paying? How does this shy and awkward thing work?
Joey: Danny, you're gonna go out tonight and you're gonna have a great time!
Jesse: And we're gonna watch the girls for you!
Danny: The girls! How am I going to tell DJ and Stephanie that their father is going out on a date? Any ideas?
Jesse and Joey: Uhm...
Joey: Eh..well,...uh
Jesse: Ehm...Tell him, Joseph!
Joey: Trust your instincts!
Jesse: That's right, good thing, you trust your instincts and uhm...uhm...Tell them exactly what they need to know but nothing more...nothing...just tell them that!
Joey: Like that Jess, yeah! Listen what they say and respond according!
Jesse: Right, according respond to what they say and most importantly be their father!
Joey: Yeah!
Danny: You don't have a clue how to handle this, do you?
Jesse: Don't know what I'm talking...
(Jesse and Joey get off)
Danny: Michelle, you'll tell your sisters for me, won't you? Oh, thank you, honey! You take all the pressure off! Give me a kiss! (kisses her) Thanks!
(Michelle grabs his nose)

DJ and Stephanie are in their room
DJ: If you want that bike, you gotta be a salesman, like this. (She gets on her knees) Hi, my name is Stephanie Tanner, I'm a honey bee and we're raising money for needy kids! Jars of honey make wonderful birthday gifts and you can even deduct taxes. Talk about a honey of a deal!
Stephanie: That was awesome!
(Danny walks in with Michelle)
Danny: Hey girls!
DJ: Go for it!
Stephanie: Hi daddy, I'm Stephanie Tanner, and the taste of this honey is tax-free. Happy birthday!
Danny: Sweetheart, I bought 17 jars from you already! DJ, take your sister, and sit down, because right now, I wanna have a little talk with my three girls about something very important. Tonight, your father is going on a ... a... You know, let me have two more jars!
Stephanie: Great!
Danny: You girls, you like Julie's mum Mrs. Straton, don't you?
DJ: Sure.
Stephanie: She's a nice hive mother!
Danny: Well great, because tonight, Julie's mum and I are gonna...we're uhm...Make it four more jars!
Stephanie: I'm getting good at this!
Danny: I better just say this before I go broke. Julie's mum and I are going out tonight!
Stephanie: Oh boy, we are we going?
Danny: No, angel, it's just me and Julie's mum!
Stephanie: Why can't we go?
DJ: Steph, you don't get it! They're going on a date! Dad doesn't want us there, they wanna be alone!
(DJ is quitting the room)
Danny: DJ, wait! It's not that we wanna be alone! We just, we wanna get to know each other!
DJ: Well, Dad, can't you stay home with us? Uhm...I need you to...uh...help me with my homework! And Stephanie probably needs you too, right Steph?
Stephanie: I guess so! Daddy, if you go on a date tonight, is Julie's mum gonna be our new mummy?
Danny: Your new mummy? Of course not! You know, people go out on dates and they don't get married! You understand that, don't you?
Stephanie: I don't know! I'm not sure what's going on!
DJ: I'll tell you exactly what's going on! We need Dad here, and he's leaving!
Danny: Why don't I just change my plans and...and stay with you three girls then. For the rest of my life.
(DJ and Steph give him a kiss)

Danny's in the kitchen on the telephone.
Danny: Hi Linda! Yeah, it's Danny. Look, I feel really uncomfortable about this but... (Joey and Jesse come in) I have to cancel our date! I'm starting to feel like it's too soon for this. Thanks for understanding. Yeah, bye! (hangs up)
Jesse: What happened?
Joey: I thought you were ready to start dating!
Danny: I was...'til I saw the looks on those girls' faces. Although Michelle took it pretty well! You think I should've kept my date with Linda, don't you?
Joey: Yes, I do!
Jesse: I agree with him! (confused)...Who said that?
Jesse: Look, Daniel. Yes, it is hard for the girls, but they love you, they'll learn to deal with it!
Danny: I just think my dating will be so much easier once the girls will be at college!
Joey: Oh yeah! You'll be push in fifties hanging out at singles' bars! 'Hi, Danny Tanner...uhm...capricorn! You wanna hold my teeth? ' Danny, this is always gonna be a tough situation! But you wanna keep postponing your life?
Danny: Well, no.
Jesse: Danny, the decision is yours. What do you really wanna do?
Danny: I really wanna go out with Linda!
Jesse: Yeah! Lay it down! (gives Danny the phone) Come on Joseph, get the stuff! (they get out)
(Danny calls Linda)
Danny: Hi Linda! Danny here! Did someone call you before saying it was too soon for me to start dating? I thought so! Linda, that was my evil twin brother Manny Tanner. If it's not too late, I'd really like to see you tonight! Great, so you'll pick me up at...
(DJ and Steph enter the room)
DJ: Hi dad!
Stephanie: Hi dad!
Danny: Could you hold on a second....Hi girls!
DJ: Dad, we were talking and that was so nice of you to cancel your date for us. We wanna thank you by taking you out for ice-cream!
Stephanie: Our treat!
DJ: Because you're a great dad!
Stephanie: And we love you so much!
Danny: Thanks, I love you too! (hugs them)
Stephanie and DJ: Thanks dad!
(Steph and DJ walk out, Jesse and Joey walk in)
Danny: (into the phone)This is Manny Tanner, the evil twin! Something's come up and Danny can't make it tonight! He's very sorry and he'll call you later! If I let him! Bye!

Jesse and Joey are in the living room, trying to set up Michelle's tree house.
Joey: You might wanna use ring knot 34!
Jesse: Tztztz...
Joey: (singing) Uh dad a duh...ring knot 34...dabadaa duh...
Jesse: Shut up!
Joey: Are you sure you don't wanna take one look at the instructions?
Jesse: Joseph, do not question the master! This is quite simple, my friend, there is a roof, there is a floor, there are legs and there is this part...which is obviously born as firewood!
DJ and Stephanie enter.
DJ: Do you guys wanna come with Dad and us for ice-cream?
Joey: Girls, we have a better idea!
Jesse: Yeah, why don't we take you girls out for ice-cream, so your Dad can go to that art exhibit!
DJ: Because that idea stinks, right Steph?
Stephanie: Maybe! Who knows? I've been confused all day!
Joey: Okay, I know you're worried about your Dad dating again, but I think I know how you feel!
DJ: How would you know?
Joey: Well, you see, I was only six when my parents got divorced and, I wasn't very happy when my mom started to date again! Well, my Grammy used to come and baby-sit and she used to pinch my cheek so hard it hurt! (pinches Jesse's cheek)
Jesse: Just tell the story, huh!
Joey: Anyway, I got used to my mum dating again and she was much happier because she wasn't so lonely!
DJ: You think Dad's lonely?
Joey: Yes, I do!
Jesse: You know what girls, I think your Dad would be very happy if he could go on that date tonight!
DJ: I want Dad to be happy!
Stephanie: I do too! Come on, DJ, let's go talk to Dad!
(they leave)
(Jesse finishes the tree house)
Jesse: Alright, done Joseph, WITHOUT instructions!
Joey: Looking good! Come on, I'll built the master a club sandwich!
Jesse: Alright...
(Jesse's trapped in the tree house and tries to get out)
Joey: (sneering) Coming, master?
Jesse: Yeah, yeah! Yes, of course I'm coming! (walks around with the whole tree house)
Joey: Nice suit! Did you get that from a realtor?

DJ and Stephanie walking around.
DJ: Steph, before we go talk to Dad, come with me.
(they go to their room)
Stephanie: What's wrong?
DJ: I don't know about this!
Stephanie: But you say you want our daddy to be happy!
DJ: Yeah! But we're forgetting somebody very important!
Stephanie: Who?
DJ: Mum!
Stephanie: Mum? What do you mean?
DJ: Well, maybe Mum wouldn't be so happy about Dad going out on dates!
Stephanie: Wow! I never thought of that! I want Mum to be happy, and I want Daddy to be happy and I want us to be happy. This is so complicated! I think I'm having my first headache.

Danny is lying on his bed and playing with a football. Stephanie and DJ enter with Michelle.
Stephanie: Daddy, can we talk to you?
Danny: Sure. I thought we were going out for ice-cream!
DJ: (pointing at the plates in their hands) We made sure we still liked it!
Danny: Come here, sit next to me! Okay girls, what's wrong?
DJ: Well, it's kind of hard to explain!
Stephanie: No, it's not! DJ was wondering if you still love mum.
Danny: Of course I still love Mum! She was the first love of my life! Together we made three little miracles! I'm always gonna love her! Nothing will change that. Not a date, not even if I fall in love with someone else one day!
DJ: Well, how do you think Mum would feel about that?
Danny: I know exactly how she would feel!
Stephanie: You do?
DJ: How?
Danny: Well, mums and dads talk about all kinds of things. And one night, we had a lot talk about what we would do if something ever happened to one of us. We talked about making sure you were all taken care of and we agreed that if either one of us became single again, we should try to meet someone else to share our life with.
DJ: So Mum would be happy if you went on a date?
Danny: I think she would be! She would know that I'm not looking for someone to take her place. Just to make a new friend! I could never forget Mum! I think about her every time I look at you! And you! And you too!
DJ: Well, maybe we could take you out for ice-cream another night.
Stephanie: We already had two bowls of it!
DJ: Go on your date, Dad!
Danny: That's very sweet, but I don't think I can call Julie's Mum again, I already broke our date twice!
DJ: I'll call her!
Danny: Uhm, DJ, you don't have to do that!
(DJ grabs the phone)
Danny: It's 5558713.

Danny gets dressed in his room. Joey and Jesse come in.
Joey: Hey, Linda's waiting downstairs!
Danny: She's here already? How's she dressed? Casual? Trendy? Semi-trendy? Casi-casual?
Jesse: She's wearing a chicken suit with flippers, go!
Danny: Oh my god, I'm dating again. How do I look? Be brutal!
Jesse and Joey: Fine, fine!
Danny: I hate the way I look!
Jesse: I don't blame you, but there's just no time for a nose job now!
Danny: Guys, look, I need your help here! I've got to put together a look!
Jesse: I got something for you!
Joey: Me too!
First, Danny dresses like Joey, then like Jesse.

Jesse and Joey are sitting in the living room with Linda.
Jesse: Well, I'm glad we had just time to get better appointed!
Linda: Maybe we should go upstairs and play with Julie and Stephanie.
Joey: I promise Danny will be down in just a second!
Jesse: (shouting) Yo, Daniel!
Danny appears from behind him
Jesse: (still shouting)You got a pretty girl...Your hair looks fine!
Danny: I know! If flapped it out! Hi Linda!
Linda: Hi Danny! Or is it Manny?
Danny: No, it's Danny, the good twin! Thanks for waiting! Sorry about all the confusion!
Linda: Oh, I understand. When I started dating again, I went through the same craziness!
(DJ comes in with Michelle)
DJ: Michelle wants to say goodbye! Go ahead Michelle!
Michelle: Whutta...
Danny: You don't even have to say it, I know: Don't stay out late, because you're gonna wake me up at three! (gives her a kiss) Bye bye DJ!
DJ: Bye!
Danny: And say goodbye to Steph for me! (to Linda) Shall we go?
Linda: We shall!
Joey: (acting like an old man) You kids behave yourself!
Jesse: (also'')That's right, and take money for a phone call, go...
Joey: Go on
Jesse: Have fun!
(Danny and Linda leave)
Jesse: Alright Michelle, this is the moment we've all been waiting for, it's time to throw away Benny the dishrag because you're now the proud owner of a brand-new man-eating tree house!
(places her in the tree house)
Jesse: Alright, here we go!
Michelle gets out and leaves with Benny the dishrag.

*** End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1988
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Jeff Franklin

Guest Cast:
Linda: Unknown
Judy: Unknown