Full House Scripts - Season 1

No Teaser

(Jesse and Joey are in the kitchen with Michelle)
Jesse: Okay Michelle, now grandma's making you an outfit and we got to take your measurements okay? Okay, hold her arms up, Joey.
Joey: Okay, reach for the sky Michelle!
(Jesse tickles Michelle)
Jesse: Sorry, I couldn't resist those cut little pits of yours. Okay, here we go, first we start off with the chest. And it's 18.
Joey: 18.
Jesse: Now, we go to her tummy, which is, 18 inches.
Joey: 18 inches, Michelle you little butterball. And she's self-basting.
Jesse: Now you better hope grandma's not knitting anything with horizontal stripes. Okay, hips here. And, 18.
Joey: 18-18-18. Exact same measurements as her father.
Jesse: Stand her up, we need to get her inseam.
(Joey stands her up)
Jesse: Now make something fun, make this fun for the kid.
Joey: Michelle, what does the moo cow say?
Both: Mooo! Mooo! Mooo!

(DJ and Kimmy come in the kitchen)
Kimmy:And your dad lets these people take care of you?
DJ: Hey, it's hard to find good help.
(they walk into the living room)
Kimmy: Are you coming to the church bake sale?
DJ: I can't. I'm waiting for my cousin, Steve. I haven't seen him in 2 years.
Kimmy: DJ, you got to come. this year I made the three wise men out og struddle.
DJ: Kimmy, Steve is like my big brother. We go ice-skating, we mess around, it's so much fun. It's like we're not even related.
Kimmy: What's he look like?
DJ: Well, looks aren't everything.
Kimmy: A real geek-burger, huh?
DJ: Well, he does have glasses, and braces, and zits, but other than that he's really cute.
Kimmy: Geek-burger with cheese.
(they head for the door, Stephanie walks through)
Stephanie: Da da da dah! Da da da dah! (she walks through the door) Hey Steve, da da da dah means get in here!
Steve: sorry, that was my first da da da dah. Greetings from Baltimore!
DJ: Steve?!
Steve: DJ! how you doing sport?
DJ: Hi Steve! What happened to your glasses?
Steve: Oh, I got contacts.
DJ: your braces?
Steve: I got them off.
DJ: your face full of zits?
Steve: They cleared up. Isn't nature great?
(Danny comes up to the door)
Kimmy: the best. (she slams the door)
Danny: Kimmy, do you realize you just slammed the door in my face?
Kimmy: what door?
Steve: Here let me help you with that. ( he picks up a bag)
Danny: Thanks. You'll be staying in our beautiful spacious alcove.
Steve: All right!
Danny: DJ, can you believe your little cousin Stevie is being offered a baseball scholarship from Stanford? I am really proud of you. I can't get over how you shot up.
Steve: Yeah, well, I got credit for good food, plenty of exercise, and all that sleep I got during class.
Kimmy: He's funny, too.
Steve: I'm sorry, we haven't met.
Kimmy: I'm uh.... I'm uh....
Stephanie: You're Kimmy Gibbler.(to DJ) How did she make it all the way to 5th grade? Jesse! Joey! Where are you?! ( Jesse and Joey walk in through the kitchen)
Joey: Hey Steve-O!
Jesse: Hey cousin Steve!
Steve: Alright, let me guess. Now Uncle Danny has told me all about you guys. ( he points to Joey ) You must be Jesse, the good looking Rock n' Roller who spends hours on his hair. ( he points to Jesse ) And you must me Joey, the guy with the funny voices.
Danny: Uh, Steve, actually that's Joey, and this is Jesse.
Joey: (as Bulwinkle) But thanks anyways.
Danny: And here's someone you haven't met yet, say hello to your mew cousin, Michelle.
Steve: Oh, hey sport! Coochie coochie coo! ( Michelle doesn't look impressed ) What's the matter? Don't you speak baby?
DJ: Steve, I got our whole weekend planned out. This afternoon we go ice-skating, okay?
Steve: You know, I kind of felt like playing some basketball.
Danny: All right, b-ball!
Jesse: Let's go shoot some hoops!
DJ: Let me go get my sweats on!
Danny: Oh, uh, DJ wait. DJ, someone has to stay here with Michelle and Steohanie. Do you mind?
DJ: Alright.
Danny: Ah, thanks! We'll be back in an hour!
Jesse: All right, lets pass the ball.
Joey: Jess! (Jesse passes it to Danny) Right here I'm open!
(Danny passes it to Steve) Steve! Drop pass I'm open! ( Steve passes it to Jesse)
Jesse: Alright, Joey. ( he passes it to Joey, Joey throws it, it goes through the door)
All but Joey: JOEY!
Joey: Got another ball?
Jesse: Let's go!

( DJ, Kimmy, and Stephanie are in the kitchen)
DJ: This is going to be great! Steve and I will eat lunch together, then I'll show him this picture of us from Thanksgiving 2 years ago.
Kimmy: How long is Steve going to be staying at your house?
DJ: 3 or 4 days.
Kimmy: Me too.
Stephanie: Okay, we got bologna, salami, cheese, peanut butter, and grape jelly.
DJ: Sounds good. I just hope you didn't put them all in one sandwich.(DJ and Kimmy laugh, Stephanie pretends to laugh, then puts one of the sandwiches under a chair cushion)( Jesse, Joey, Steve, and Danny come through the back door)
Kimmy: Hey Stevie1
DJ: Guys, we made lunch!
Guys: Lunch! Food, food, food, food, food, food!
Joey: Hey! The Lakers-Celtics game's on.
Steve: All right! More b-ball!
Guys: B-ball, b-ball, b-ball, b-ball, b-ball, b-ball!
Danny: Girls come watch the game with us.
(they leave, there's barely any food left on the table)
DJ: Animals.
(Stephanie takes the sandwich out from under the chair cushion)
Stephanie: Glad I saved this!
( they go into the living room)
Jesse: Come on! Go!
Danny: Yes!
Joey: Yes!
Jesse: Yes!
Steve: Yes! (Kimmy sits next to him)
Kimmy: Yes!
Danny: I really think the Lakers can repeat as world champions.
Steve: If they do they'd be the first since Boston in 69 and 70.
DJ: Hey Steve, like my jeans? They're brand new.
Steve: Oh, yeah,great.
Danny: You know, I think that the Lakers have a better record than Portland in 78.
Steve: They should, they got everything. They got the speed the power, the depth, and most importantly, the Laker girls!
Jesse: Yes!
Danny: Yes!
Steve: Yes!
Joey: Yes!
DJ: YES!!(everybody looks at her) What an awesome thing, that just happened.
Stephanie: You don't have a clue either, do you?
Steve: Does anybody else want a pickle?
DJ: Oh, we're out of pickles.
Kimmy: I'll get you some, and if there are no pickles at my house, I'll take a cab to the market. Bye Stevie!
Steve: Okay, see you later Kammy.
DJ: That's Kimmy.
Kimmy: Hey, if it's Kammy to him, it's Kammy to me.
Joey: Jess, I'll bet you 2 bucks Magic steals the ball.
Jesse: No, not the way Birds are playing, you're on.
Danny: Magic steals the ball.
Jesse: No!
Joey: Yes! 2 founding fathers, please! Thank you!
Steve: Joey, that's incredible!
Joey: I come from a long line of pshychics.
Jesse: You mean pshychos. now, give me a chance to win my money back.
Joey: Okay, I'm getting another vision here. I'll bet you 2 more bucks that Cooper steals the ball, passes off to Magic, who will lead a fast break chord, end with a slam dunk by Worthy.
Jesse: You're out of your gourd. You're on.
Danny: Look at this, Cooper steals the ball, fast break, Magic to Scott to Magis, pass to Worthy slam dunk!!
Jesse: No way!
Danny: Unbelievable!
Steve: That's amazing!
Joey: Sometimes I'm so good, I actually win money from myself.
Stephanie: Boy Joey, you didn't know all this stuff when we watched this game this morning.
(Joey laughs)
Joey: Kids--what an imagination.
Jesse: One final wager, ( he takes a tape out of the VCR) Ah! I bet if you don't give me my money back, you're going to die! (Joe gives him the money)
Joey: (to Stephanie) And I was going to give you half. {crying}
Danny: Baby alert. I got to go check on Michelle.
Steve: Oh, you guys stay here and watch the game, I'll go take care of the kid.
Danny: Oh, thanks. I'm sure you can take care of her, considering you have no experience with an infant what so ever.
Steve: No problem.
Danny: (to DJ) Help him.(She goes upstairs)
Joey: Hey, your nephew Steve's a great kid.
Danny: Thanks for being so nice to him. Ever since his dad moved out, he hasn't had much of this guy stuff.
Stephanie: Yup, us guys got to stick together.

(Steve walks into Michelle's room)
Steve: Hey, what's the matter Michelle? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Grumpy? Bashful? Dopey? Sneezy? Doc? (DJ walks in)
DJ: Having fun?
Steve: Oh, yeah, I always have fun here. Your dad's great.
DJ: I'm really glad you're back.
Steve: Is the little kid okay?
DJ: Uh, I think she needs a changing.
Steve: Uh, no thank you. Be my guest.
DJ: You'll be fine. I think you just need a dry run at this.
Steve: Well, I think we're a little too late for that.
DJ: No, I mean practice on the monkey.
Steve: Oh, right. (he gets the monkey) Alright.
DJ: Okay, put the diaper on.(She give it to him)
Steve: Okay.
DJ: Hey Steve, uh, want to go ice-skating?
Steve: Oh, I can't, your dad's taking me to a warriors game.
DJ: Okay, well, we can go tomorrow. And since we'll be right there at the mall, we can go to a movie, eat pizza, and then my friend Jennifer's having a boy-girl party.
Steve: Well, I'm going to bekind of busy the whole time I'm here. I got to look for some colleges, and besides, I'm a little too old for that kind of stuff.
DJ: Oh.
Steve: so, tape right, tape left. All right, this monkey's ready to party!(Danny walks in)
Danny: Hi, Michelle. How's everything going, Steve?
Steve: Well, I think this speaks for itself.(he shows the monkey to him)
Danny: Nice work! Cheetah looks happy!
Steve: Yeah!
Danny: Come on, you're missing it. The Bullets are playing the Pistons.
Steve: Oh all right! I got to see this!
Danny: DJ, you don't have any plans for tomorrow afternoon, do you?
DJ: Not anymore.
Danny: Well, you do now, because we're all going to the park. How's some touch football sound?
Steve: Ah, great! Then we can play some soccer, some basketball, volleyball, and tennis!
Danny: Then we'll play a rousing game of " Let's rush Uncle Danny to the hospital".
Steve: Great. Come on. (they leave.)
(in the hallway)
Danny: Steve, after the game, I'm going to take you to the locker room and introduce you to the whole team.
Steve: Oh, really? I got to meet Ralph Sampson, the man is a building.
Danny: The team is a city. (they go downstairs)

( back in Michelle's room, DJ is putting Michelle in a chair)
DJ: Let's have a little talk here. What do you think of your cousin Steve? I know, he's just a big jock. You should've known him 2 years ago, back when he was my friend. He doesn't care about me anymore, all he cares about is sports. Guess you're nothing around here, unless you're one of the guys.(she kisses Michelle's hand)

( DJ, Jesse, and Joey are in the living room.
DJ: Tomorrow's my first real game of touch football, and I don't want to look stupid.(Jesse and Joey move the couch)
Jesse: Stop, you look stupid already.
DJ: What'd I do?
Jesse: DJ, you don't call it football. You call it FOOTBALL!!
DJ: FOOTBALL!!
Jesse: Yes. That's it. You got lesson number 1. Now, lesson number 2, the ever popular psych-out. No words, just sheer intensity. Observe.( He walks up to Joey, they look at eachother roughly for a few seconds, then laugh)
Jesse: Well, it's something like that. alright, let's show her a play.(he takes the football) Okay, do a down-and-out, fake to the flag, button hook back, and I'll hit you. (to DJ) You're going to love this!
Joey: Okay!
Jesse: Ready? Hut, hut, hut! Go! (Joey jumps over the couch and into the kitchen) Watch this. I'm reading the defense, right? I'm checking the pass rush. I'm checking my recievers. I'm STILL checking my recievers. I'm checking my WATCH. Joey! Where are you?!(Joey comes in through the kitchen door with a sandwich)
Joey: Sorry, I just stopped by for a quick bite in the secondary. Hit me, I'm open!(Jesse throws the ball, Joey catches it) Touch down!
Jesse: Spike it!(Joey throws down the sandwich instead of the ball) The football!(Joey spikes it, they all do a dance)
DJ: Now THIS is fun! How do you guys know this?
Joey: Cause we're guys.
Jesse: You see, it's in our blood. Guys are just born knowing how to play...
Everyone: FOOTBALL!!

(the next day at the park, the family are in the grass; Jesse's playing the guitar, Michelle on the harmonica. A man comes by and gives them a tip.)
Jesse: Half that money's mine, kid.
Kimmy: (to Steve) Want another one of my sandwiches?
Steve: Ah, no thanks. 3's enough.
DJ: Speaking of basketball, did you know that Wilt Chamberland scored the most points ever in an NBA game? And Moses Malone joined the league right out of high school. And if the Bulls ever built their team around Michael Jordan, they'd be unstoppable! Enough talk, let's play FOOTBALL!!
Everyone: FOOTBALL!!
Danny: We'll pick teams. I'm captain because, it's my football.
Jesse: I'll be captain.
Joey: Because your hair looks like a helmet.
Danny: Okay, the first person I'm going to pick is... My man, Steve!
Steve: Yeah!
Jesse: Okay, let's see, the first person I'll pick is... My man, DJ!
DJ: Yeah!(to Danny) I want you! I want you!
Danny: Let me see...
Kimmy: If I'm not on Steve's team, I'll die.
Danny: Kimmy.
Kimmy: Way to go big Stevie!( She slaps him in the butt)
Jesse: Okay, here we go. Let's see, I'll pick... I need someone with good hands... My man, Michelle!
Stephanie: Can you believe he picked Michelle over me?
Joey: Steph, please, I have my own problems.
Danny: Okay Steph, you can be on our team.
Joey: What?! Would someone please pick me before a stray dog shows up?
Jesse: Okay, we'll take Joey, but you guys got to spot us a touchdown.
Danny: It's only fair.
DJ: Enough messing around, let's play FOOTBALL!!
Everyone: FOOTBALL!!
Jesse: Now you guys remember that the endzones are that bench and this tree. Let's go Joey, let's get this game out of the way!
DJ: (to Kimmy) Gibbler, you're dead meat!
Jesse: And hut, hut, hut! DJ!!(he throws it to DJ, she catches it)
DJ: Whoo! Touch down! (they do a dance)
Kimmy: (to Steve) Don't worry about it, big guy!(she slaps him again)
Steve: You know, I'm worried about you.
DJ: (to Kimmy) Told you you were dead meat, Gibbler! Steve! Aren't you having the best time?
Steve: Yeah!
DJ: (to Steph) What are you looking at, Chump?
Stephanie: Nothing, fool!

(next game)
Kimmy: Let's get 'em Stevie!
Steve: Don't even think about it!
Danny: On 3, hut, hut, hut! Here Steph!(He gives it to Stephanie)
Jesse: And got her! Almost fell for the old Starue of Stephanie trick.
Steve: Alright, you girls have had your fun; now it's time for us guys to play some real football.
DJ: Hey! Just because we're girls doesn't mean we can't play. Let's put the ball down and see what you guys are made of.
Guys: Ooh!!
Danny: Okay Steph here we go, on 2, hut, hut!
Stephanie: I like 3 better.
Danny: Oh, you're right, ny mistake, on 3, hut, hut, hut! Steve, go long! (DJ tackles Steve)
Steve: DJ, what are you doing?
DJ: Playing foot ball, man.
Steve: This is TOUCH football, what's your problem?
DJ: I got no problem, you got a problem?
Steve: Yeah, that was a pass interference, automatic forst down.
DJ: No way, you wimp!
Danny: DJ, Steve's right. You were way out of line. We're not playing tackle.
DJ: Oh sure, take Steve's side. You guys are such buddies. Why don't you just adopt him, that's what you want, isn't it? Great, now I'm going to start crying like a little girl.(she runs off)
Danny: DJ!
Joey: Half Time.
Kimmy: Shake it off, big fella! (she slaps him)

(meanwhile, on a nearby bench)
Danny: DJ, what's with the,"why don't you just adopt him", stuff?
DJ: Come on, dad, it's pretty obvious. You're taking Steve to ball games, having fun, high fives all over the place.
Danny: You know Steve's dad moved out last year. Steve needs me right now. It's real important for him to--
DJ: I know, hang out with the guys.
Danny: What's wrong with that?
DJ: Nothing, unless you're a girl. Dad, I want to spend time with him, too. We used to be such good friends. I don't know what happened.
Danny: I'll tell you what happened. Steve's grown up a lot in the past 2 years. He's becoming a young man. DJ, I know you're having a hard time with this, but that's no reason to clean his clock.
DJ: Fine, dad. I'll go get Michelle and Stephanie, and we'll go play Duck, Duck, Goose.

(DJ is in her room when somebody knocks)
DJ: Who is it?
Steve: It's Steve, can I come in?(DJ throws away her stuffed animal and grabs a football)
DJ: Yeah, I guess.
Steve: You sure it's safe?
DJ: Yeah.(Steve walks in)
Steve: Thanks, I, uh, I didn't want to make the wrong move and get creamed again. Well, uh, I've been here 2 days, and this is the first time I've been up to your room.
DJ: You're a busy guy.
Steve: Yeah, well, my schedule kind of opened up, and I was hoping I could talk to you.
DJ: Me? You want to talk to little old me?
Steve: Yeah, uh DJ, I was wondering why you clobbered me.
DJ: cause I felt like it.
Steve: Well, why'd you feel like it?
DJ: cause I did.
Steve: Why did you?
DJ: Because I was mad at you. I was really looking forward to you visiting, and you didn't even want to go ice-skating. I thought we could do stuff like we did last time. I miss the old Steve.
Steve: DJ, I'm still the same Steve.
DJ: No you're not, the old Steve wouldn't of taken this long to come up to my room.
Steve: DJ, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Look, but I'm here now. DJ, I'm still your cousin and I still love you. So, don't you think we could try and be friends again?
DJ: You seem so much older than me now.
Steve: Well, I know it might seem like it now because I'm 17 and you're 11, but when ever I'm 100 and you're 94, you'll hardly notice the difference.
DJ: So...
Steve: So...
DJ: So, you want to start over?
Steve: Great idea. Alright, I'll go outside and come right back in.(he goes outside){knock} Da da da dah! Greetings from Baltimore!
DJ: Hey Steve! What happened to your glasses, braces, and zits?
Steve: Well, all gone. Isn't nature great? I got to great idea! What do you say, we go ice-skating?

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1988
Directed by: Lee Shallat
Written by: Lenny Ripps

Guest Cast:
Steve: Kirk Cameron