Full House Scripts - Season 2

Teaser

Stephanie is working in her room. Michelle comes in.
Stephanie: Can I help you?
Michelle: Stephy play horsy?
Stephanie: Stephy's very busy. Stephy doesn't want to play horsy.
Michelle: Yes, she does.
Stephanie: No she doesn't.
Michelle: Yes, she does.
Stephanie: No she doesn't.
Michelle: (pretending to cry) Yes, she does.
Stephanie: Okay, let's play horsy.
Michelle cheers.
Stephanie: How can I fall for the old crying routine? I invented it.

Jesse is asleep in his room. Michelle comes in with her Jack-in-a-box and winds it up next to Jesse. When Jack pops out, Jesse wakes up with a jump.
Jesse: Michelle.
Danny, Joey, DJ and Stephanie come in. Joey makes the sounds of an electric guitar as an intro.
Danny, Stephanie and DJ: (singing) They say it's your birthday, I'm going to have a good time. They say it's your birthday, Happy Birthday to you.
Danny: (handing Jesse a waffle with two candles in it) Make a wish.
Jesse closes his eyes, makes a wish and blows the candles out.
Jesse: Thanks, guys. Look at this a guitar-shaped waffle. Guys, you didn't have to do this, my birthday's no big deal. There are presents, aren't there?
DJ takes out a sign painted on some wood.
DJ: This is from me.
Stephanie: And me.
Michelle: And me.
Jesse: (reading the sign) "Happy Birthday, Jesse, the world's greatest uncle" .
DJ: I signed it, Stephanie signed it and Michelle got some paint spread on it.
Stephanie: We made it 'cause we love you so much.
Jesse: Well, this is the best present a guy could ever get. (Hugging DJ and Stephanie) Thank you, girls.
DJ and Stephanie: You're welcome.
Danny: (taking out a present) Happy birthday, Jesse.
Jesse rips of the wrapping paper.
Jesse: What did I get? What did I get? (stunned when he sees his present) an apointment book. (to Danny, very uninthusiastically) Outragous!
Danny: Well, now you can be as well organised as I am. See, I already filled out the things for you to do today. Thing number one, pretend you like this gift.
Jesse: It, it's great. I love it. This is the best appointment book I've ever had.
Joey: ( taking out a present) Well, here you go, partner.
Jesse: Hey, let me see that. Whoa. An Elvis watch. Look at this, his right hand points to the minutes and his left hand points to the hours.
Joey: Yeah, and his hips tick off the seconds. (imitating Elvis) Tick, Baby, tock, Baby, tick Baby, tock, baby. Ooh, time to buy a Cadillac.
DJ: So, old timer, how does it feel to be twenty six?
Jesse: It feels great, guys. This is my year. I've got a great family, I've finally got the perfect girlfriend, (to Joey) our advertising's going well. I think this is the year my band's going to make it. You guys are coming to hear my band tonight, aren't you?
DJ: Yeah.
Stephanie: wouldn't miss it.
Danny: Come on everyone, Uncle Jesse's very busy, and you have to go to school.
Stephanie: We have to go to school on Uncle Jesse's birthday?
Danny: Oh, don't worry, honey I'm sure they'll have some assembly program in his honor.
Everyone leaves except DJ and Michelle.
DJ: uncle Jesse, don't forget our soccer game today at 3:30.
Jesse: Deej, I'm you're coach. I'm there for you, babe. Without me you've got no motivation, no strategy.....
DJ: no ride..
Jesse: Out.
DJ leaves. Michelle walks towards the doorway holding Jesse's presents.
Michelle: My birthday.
Jesse: Hey, whoa, whoa whoa. Get back here you little gift-grabber. Hand over that loot.
Michelle: (giving Jesse his presents back) Happy birthday.
Jesse: Thanks. You can keep the appointment book.
Michelle: No thank you.
Michelle walks out of the room. Jesse smiles.

Later, Jesse and Joey are in the basement. Jesse's playing his electric guitar.
Joey: Hey, Jess, I think I've finally come up with the lyrics to this credit dentist jingle. Listen to this "if you need a root canal, you don't have any money, pal, relax don't sweat it, Doctor Lennox gives you credit. Doctor Lennox - America's top credit dentist. And now climbing the charts, the music to this wonderful jingle."
Jesse plays on his guitar.
Joey: that sounds like a dentist's drill.
Jesse: Sorry, I'm working on a gig for tonight. Don't worry I'm there for you, babe.
Danny comes down holding Michelle, who's holding her Jack-in-a-box.
Danny: Guys, I've got some news. Jess, you get out your new appointment book write down 7:30 tonight, Sam Battersby, Smash Club.
Jesse: Sam Battersby? The music critic from the San Francisco Mirror? That Sam Battersby?
Danny: Yep. He was on the show today, and I talked him into coming to hear your band tonight.
Jesse: Danny, I've been trying to get this guy forever, how did you do it?
Danny: I just used my wit, my charm, and my two Giants tickets.
Jesse: Danny, you're the greatest brother-in-law. (he hugs Danny)
Danny: Jess, you're hugging me.
Jesse: I've been living in this house too long.
Danny: Before you know it, you'll be filling up that appointment book.
Jesse shakes his head as Danny goes upstairs.
Michelle: Uh oh.
Jesse: What's wrong, Michelle?
Michelle: Where's Jack?
Jesse: Jack's in the box.
Michelle: Jack, come out. Please?
Jesse: (taking the box) Let me see that. (imitating a cop) All right, Jack. Michelle and I are outside and we got you surrounded. You come out now, or we're coming in after you, sweetheart.
Joey: Jess, come on. It's already 3:20.
Jesse: 3:20? Joey, I've got to go coach DJ's soccer.
Joey: Jess....
Jesse: I'm sorry, Joey, I realize it looks like I'm walking out on you, but, Joseph, I would never do that to you. And I'll tell you why when I get back. (He rushes upstairs.)

In the living room, DJ and Kimmy are playing. Kimmy's in goals and stops DJ's shot.
Kimmy: Hah! You'll never get the ball past me!(She passes the ball back to DJ.)
DJ: Hey, look, Kimmy! Jeans on Sale!
Kimmy: (looks away) Where?
DJ shoots and scores.
DJ: Yes! Tanner scores a goal!
Kimmy: don't ever make a joke about a sale! That's so cruel!
Jesse comes in.
Jesse: Come on, girls. Look alive. We've got a tough game today.
He opens the front door to leave just as Stephanie comes through it.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse! Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: Stephanie! Stephanie!
Stephanie: Tomorrow's my school bake sale. Will you bake one hundred of your special cookies? Please, please, please? With chocolate chips on top?
Jesse: With chocolate chips on top? How can I turn it down?
Stephanie: You really can't.
She drags Jesse towards the kitchen. DJ stops them.
DJ: He'll bake your cookies later, you little chicken wing.
Stephanie: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm a chicken wing, then you're a can of chicken noodle soup!
DJ: You have the brains of a paramecium.
Stephanie: Maybe I have the brains of a paramecium but you only have the brains of one mecium! (smug) Ha ha ha!
She marches off into the kitchen.
DJ: There really is no way to beat her, is there?
Jesse: No, not really. Come on girls, look alive.
Jesse, DJ and Kimmy race out the front door.

Later in the kitchen, Stephanie is sitting at the counter with a mixing bowl and Mr. Bear.
Stephanie: Mr. Bear, when Uncle Jesse bakes the cookies for the bake sale, you'd better let me lick the bowl. (patting his stomach) You've put on a couple of pounds.
DJ, Kimmy and Jesse come in singing.
DJ, Jesse and Kimmy: Nana, hey, hey, hey, goodbye, Yeah!
DJ: We creamed those nerd-bombers!
Stephanie: And now, on your marks, get set, bake cookies!
Jesse: All right, I'm there for you, babe.
Becky comes in.
Becky: Hi, everybody. (she hugs Jesse) happy twenty-sixth.
Jesse: thanks.
Kimmy: Twenty-six? Wow! That's more than half way to fifty! It's all downhill from here. (she makes the sound of something falling followed by a crash.)
Jesse: Kimmy did I ever tell you how much I appreciate having you around?
Kimmy: No.
Jesse: Good.
Becky: (to Jesse) I'll give you your birthday present later, but first, here's a little preview.
Jesse and Becky start kissing. The girls clear their throats, and smile innocently.
Jesse: Girls, if you're going to hear my band tonight, you'd better get ready.
Kimmy: Oh, thanks for inviting me! (she runs out of the back door.)
Jesse: Hold it! Gibbler!
DJ: Too late! She's already home trying on new outfits.
DJ goes upstairs.
Stephanie: I'll go get changed, you just bake, baby, bake.
She kisses Jesse on the cheek and runs upstairs.
Becky: Jess, what time should I pick you up for the wedding tomorrow?
Jesse: What wedding?
Becky: Don't tell me you forgot.
Jesse: Why would I forget your cousin's wedding? Niece's? hairdresser's? old roommate's?
Becky: It's my uncle's first wife's son-in-law!
Jesse: That was my next guess. Don't worry - I'm there for you, babe.
Joey come up from the basement just as Danny comes in from the back.
Joey: Jess, you said you'd help me with my jingle.
Danny: Jess, I really need your help my car is starting to sound like my uncle Fred. It is, it's going rrrrrrrrrrrr, (Danny coughs.) I mean, my car needs a mechanic. And my uncle Fred needs a vaporizer.
Jesse: Don't worry, Joseph, I'll do the jingle, I'm going to bake Stephanie's cookies tomorrow, but right now Elvis's hands are telling me it's five to six, and I've got to be down at the Smash club at six fifteen. I'll see you boys and girls later.

At the Smash club, Danny, Joey, Kimmy, DJ and Stephanie come in. Danny stops at the entrance and shakes hands with Mr. Cuccinello.
Danny: Hi, I talked to you earlier about bringing my daughters in to hear their Uncle Jesse play on his birthday.
Mr. Cuccinello: Hey, not so fast. Aren't you forgetting something?
Danny: Oh, right. Here's your two Giants tickets. I may never see a game.
DJ: Whoa, this place is so rad!
Kimmy: Yeah! Look at all these cute guys!
Stephanie: At least no one's wearing my outfit.
Joey: (calling to Jesse, who's behind the stage.) Hey Jess, we're over here.
Jesse and Becky come over. Danny examines Jesse's clothes.
Danny: Jesse, good looks. Bon Jovi have a garage sale?
Becky: Guys, not a good time for jokes. Jesse's band didn't show up.
Jesse: I'm so silly, I double-booked this. The band's playing in the Holiday Inn in Sacramento. I could have sworn I canceled it. I'm just confused with the kids and work. I can't keep track of things.
Kimmy: Tough break. Anybody want to see a movie?
Mr. Cuccinello: Hey, Katsopolis.
Jesse: Yes, sir.
Mr. Cuccinello: I don't care where your band is, start playing.
Jesse: By myself?
Mr. Cuccinello: Come here. You see that man (he points to someone) that's Sam Battersby. His reviews could make you or break you. Me, I can just break you.
Jesse: Show time! So, where am I going to find a band?
At that moment, Joey plays his harmonica and Danny plays on an electric guitar on the stage with DJ, Stephanie, Becky and Kimmy. Jesse turns around to look at them.
Danny: We're there for you, babe.
A few minutes later.
Jesse: It's the easiest song ever written it's two chords, E,A,E,A.
Danny: We can do it!
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: And break!
Jesse: (to himself) it's come down to this - Jesse and the Partridge family.
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey walk onto the stage and pick up various instruments.
Mr. Cuccinello: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Smash club is proud to.... no, the Smash Club is contractually obligated to present Jesse and...
Jesse: These other guys.
Mr. Cuccinello: Jesse and these other guys.
Jesse: How are you doing, San Francisco?
Audience: (cheers)
Jesse: You guys ready to rock and roll?
Audience: Yeah!
Jesse: I hope we are.
Stephanie: Rock and Roll!
Jesse: (plays on his guitar then... singing) There she was just walking down the street singing....
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: (yelling) Doowadee dee dee dee dum diddi do.
Jesse: ( shocked) Popping her fingers and shuffling her feet singing...
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: (yelling) Doowadee dee dee dee dum diddi do.
Jesse: She looked good...
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: (yelling) She looked good.
Jesse: She looked fine...
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: (yelling) She looked fine!
Jesse: She looked good she looked fine, then I nearly lost my....
Kimmy: Solo drums, DJ!
DJ plays the drums.
DJ: Go, Dad, go!
Danny plays the electric guitar. Jesse unplugs it in the middle.
Danny: Over to you, Joey!
Joey: (doing the harmonica blues) I said Doowadeedee..... dee dee dum diddi do.....My shrink said I'm crazy.....I said "give me a second opinion" he said, "son, you're ugly, too." Ha! Ha! Ha!
Two people from the audience leaves.
Jesse: Before I knew it, she was walking next to me, singing,
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: Doowadee dee dee dee dum diddi do.
Jesse: Holding my hand, just as natural as can be, singing...
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: Doowadee dee dee dee dum diddi do.
Jesse: We walked on,
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: We walked on...
Jesse: to my door,
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: To my door.
Jesse: We walked on to my door, then we kissed a little more....
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: Doowadee dee dee dee dum diddi do.
Becky: We're singing!
Danny, Becky, Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy and Joey: Doowadee dee dee dee dum diddi do.
Most of the audience leaves. Later, the Tanners are still on stage, only Stephanie has the microphone and is singing.
Stephanie: There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o, (they clap their hands) O! And Bingo was his name-o.
Kimmy plays on the keyboard.
Stephanie: Thank you, you beautiful audience.
Kimmy: One more time!
Everyone except Jesse: There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name- o.

Next morning Jesse is asleep in his bed.
Jesse: (in his sleep) B-I-N-G-O.... go, Bingo.
Stephanie comes in with a mixing bowl and newspaper. She shakes him.
Stephanie: uncle Jesse, wake up.
She claps her hands. Jesse jumps.
Jesse: N-G-O! Oh, Steph, thanks for waking me. I was having this horrible nightmare.
Stephanie: There's an article in the paper about our band.
Jesse: oh, no it wasn't a nightmare.
He buries his head under his pillow.
Stephanie: Listen to this. (reading the newspaper) If you missed Jesse and These Other Guys last night, you're luckier than I am.
Jesse: (groans)
Stephanie: Wait, there's more. They were so bad that a room of tone-deaf metal-heads were forced to flee the building.
Jesse: pulling his head out from under the pillow) There's got to be something good here. Aha! See? The bright spot of the evening. (reading) The bright spot of the evening was the inspired (suddenly depressed) keyboard playing of the adorable Kimmy Gibbler.
Stephanie: Adorable? Are you sure it doesn't say a doorbell?
Jesse: That's it. My career is over.
Stephanie: At least you can still bake my cookies for the bake sale. It's today.
Jesse: (getting out of bed) I'm there for you, babe.
Michelle comes in holding her jack-in-a-box.
Michelle: no Jack!
Jesse: Oh, I'm sorry, Michelle. I know I promised to fix it.
Michelle: Fix it now.
DJ: (calling from her bedroom) Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: I'm coming DJ! I'll be right back Michelle.
Jesse and Stephanie leave the room.
Michelle: Ah, nuts!

In the girls' room.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, why aren't you dressed our game starts in an hour.
Stephanie: He can't coach your soccer, he's baking my cookies.
DJ: Forget the cookies. Just grab a bunch of Oreos and scrape the name off.
Joey comes upstairs.
Joey: All right, partner, dental music time. How's that jingle coming along?
Jesse: oh, good thinking, Joseph, I'll do that now.
Stephanie and DJ: Hey!
They follow Jesse into his room.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, what about my cookies?
DJ: And my soccer?
Joey: And my jingle?
Michelle: And Jack?
Jesse: Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, Michelle. I'll fix it. (He bends down to fix the jack-in-a-box.)
Danny comes in.
Danny: Jess, I ruined my shirt and I finally got my car motor out. Any idea why this motor don't work?
Jesse: Yeah, it's in your hand and not under your hood.
Danny: Jess, you promised to help me with my car.
Joey: And my jingle.
DJ: And my soccer.
Stephanie: And my cookies.
Michelle: And Jack.
Jesse: No problem. We'll just tow the car down to the soccer field, and while I'm fixing the car, I'll crank up the rear-view-mirror, so I can see the field, and I'll coach the game, and during half time I'll run over to the school cafeteria and bake those cookies, and while I'm their I'll get that Jack out of the box, and Joseph, don't worry about that jingle because I'll be whistling. I'll whistle while I work, people, this is your Uncle J. I may take a split-second timing, but I can make this work!
Becky comes in.
Becky: Jess, you can't wear a bathrobe to the wedding.
Jesse: The Wedding! How can I go to the wedding, I've got soccer balls to bake, and I've got to tune up the dentist jingle, and I've got to make the car radiator come out of the box, what's wrong with you people! Just because I'm twenty-six doesn't mean I can do twenty-six things at one time, because I can't! I'm sorry I can't!
Kimmy comes in with the paper.
Kimmy: did you read our review?
Jesse screams and jumps back into bed.
Michelle: Don't worry, be happy.
Later, Jesse wakes up, to find the family coming in.
Girls: Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Danny: Hi, Jess.
Jesse: What are you guys doing?
Danny: This is day one of your well-deserved, one day vacation.
Stephanie: (gives his some comics) Here's your reading material. I recommend Curious George. It's the best monkey book ever written.
Joey: And to your enjoyment, the entire works of the [***] brothers. Yes, watch them mature from the silly whoop, whoop whoop, n'yeah! To the sophisticated n'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk, why certainly!
Jesse: But what about all those things I promised to do for you guys?
Joey: All taken care of. I got us more time to work on the jingle.
Becky: and my cousin Sharon will keep me company at the wedding.
Stephanie: Daddy's baking my cookies.
DJ: Joey's coaching soccer.
Danny: And Mr. Good-ranch is fixing my car.
Jesse: Well, this is really kind of you guys, but I don't really deserve it. I mean, you guys were counting on me and I let you down.
Becky: Jesse, give yourself a break. We know you want to do everything for everyone, but you can't do everything at once.
Jesse: I don't want to miss any of this stuff. I love being there for you guys. This is my family, and I feel like I'm needed here. I'm supposed to be the world's greatest uncle.
Danny: You are. But you still have to learn to balance your priorities. I mean, Jess, it's great that you want to bake cookies for Stephanie, but not if it means it's going to cost you your job.
Stephanie: Unless you want to be a baker.
Danny: thank you, Stephanie.
Stephanie: You're welcome.
DJ: He was being sarcastic.
Stephanie: So was I.
Joey: Jess, it's okay to ask for help once in a while. We're not shy about asking you, and besides, we're all a team here.
Jesse: Thanks. I love being part of this team.
Danny: All right, everybody - dog-pile on your Uncle Jesse!
Everyone jumps on Jesse.
Danny: Ah, man. We don't do this nearly enough. All right, come on everybody. It's uncle Jesse's vacation.
Everyone leaves the room except Becky and Michelle.
Becky: And as soon as the wedding's over, I'm coming right back here and see if I can get you totally relaxed.
Jesse: Let me just say - Have mercy!
Becky: I love the way you say that. (She kisses him then leaves
Michelle: Wake up, Jack.
Jesse: hey, I'm sorry, babe, but your uncle J is on vacation.
Michelle: I love you.
Jesse: Aw, and I love you, too.
Michelle: Thank you.
Jesse: All right, let's see if we can get that old box a working. Ready?
Michelle: Yes.
Jesse: Here we go. (He hits the box a few times then winds it up. Jack pops out) See? I told you I'm there for you, babe.
Michelle: For you, babe.
Jesse: No, for you, babe.
Michelle: For you, babe.
Jesse: No, for you, babe.

***End***

Guest Cast:
Mr. Cuccinello: Michael Gregory

Script edited by: Netanel Epstein
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever