Full House Scripts - Season 3

Jesse's bedroom. Michelle walks in.
Michelle: Good morning.
Jesse does not budge.
Michelle: (pulling covers off Jesse) Look alive.
Jesse: (drowsily) Michelle, it's too early to be alive. What do you want?
Michelle: Grandma comes today.
Jesse: Yes, Grandma comes today. Thanks for the bulletin. Now go back in your crib and go to -- (Jesse realizes something and jolts upright.) Who let you out of your crib?
Michelle: I let me out.
Jesse: (sounding dumbfounded) You mean you climbed over the bars and jumped down all by yourself?
Michelle: You got it, dude.
Jesse: (does double-take) Jailbreak! Danny! (picks up Michelle) Michelle, come here. Come here. (Jesse sits Michelle down on his guitar amplifier) Now, you know how it works in this house. If you wanna get out, you stay in there and scream your head off until someone lets you out, capice?
Michelle: No capice. I'm a big girl.
Danny comes racing into the room.
Danny: Jesse, it's Saturday morning.
Jesse: Don't tell me. Tell her. (points to Michelle) She climbed out of her crib all by herself.
Danny: (happily) You did? (sits down with Michelle) You know what this means, you little spider baby? You are ready for your very own big-girl bed.
Michelle's jaw drops in surprise.
Jesse: Your very own big-girl bed. Big-girl five. (Michelle high-fives Jesse) All right!
DJ: (poking her head into Jesse's room) Hey, Dad, Grandma's cab just pulled up.
Danny: (picks up Michelle and jumps up) Grandma's here early. Let's go.
Michelle: Granny Tanny.
Everyone exits.

In the living room. Everyone is racing down the stairs except for Joey, who enters from the right.
Jesse: I'm coming, Claire.
Danny: Be right there, Mom.
DJ: Here he comes.
Stephanie: It's your grandma.
Joey: Boy, this family does everything together.
Jesse opens the door. Claire appears.
Claire: (opening her arms in hug-like fashion) Here's Granny.
DJ: Grandma, hi!
Claire: Kiss me, you fools!
DJ and Stephanie proceed to do so.
DJ and Stephanie: Hi, Grandma.
Jesse: Hi. Claire. Good to see you.
Joey: Let me get your bags.
Joey races outside. Claire notices her son, as if for the first time.
Claire: My baby.
Danny: My mommy.
They hug. Claire kisses Danny on the cheek, leaving a noticeable lipstick mark.
Claire: Oh, look, I got lipstick there. (Claire gets out a Kleenex, licks it, and proceeds to wipe the lipstick mark.) Here, let me get that, honey. Stand still.
Danny: (obviously trying not to laugh) Okay, Mom.
Claire: I couldn't wait to get here. I am so pumped. (Claire notices Michelle and claps her hands to her face.) Well, look at this. Who is this big girl right here?
Michelle: Michelle Tanner.
Claire: (kneeling to Michelle's eye level) You're way too big to be Michelle Tanner.
Michelle: It's me. (touches her nose) It's my nose.
Stephanie: (practically drags Claire over to the sofa) Grandma, come sit over here.
Claire: (laughing) Okay.
Stephanie: We've got a big surprise for you. (turns to her father) Daddy, can I give her the present now?
Danny: (laughing) Well, after that, it would be cruel not to.
DJ picks up a wooden box with a bow on it from the coffee table.
DJ: Here, Grandma. (hands gift to Claire)
Claire: Oh, you didn't have to get me anything. Exciting. (Claire opens the lid) A paint set!
Danny: In honor of your retirement after 30 years in the stationary supply business.
Joey: Happy golden years, Claire.
DJ: All right.
Claire: (sounds unhappy) Golden years, huh? Oh, boy.
DJ: What's the matter? You don't like your gift?
Claire: (squeezes DJ's face) Oh, no, my sweetheart. I love it. It's beautiful. (lets go of DJ) I'm gonna take it down to the park and paint pictures of other retired people who are painting pictures of me.
Danny: (disappointed) I knew we should've bought perfume.
Claire: Honey, no. I'm sorry. It's just that now that I'm divorced and my kids have grown up and I'm retired, my life went from (pumps her fists) "get up and go" to (shrugs) "why get up?"
Danny: Oh, don't worry, Mom. You're gonna find something fun to do with your time.

In the kitchen
Claire: I've got a little batter left. Who wants more pancakes?
Everyone moans.
Claire: Well, that is music to a grandmother's ears. (Everyone begins to leave the table) No, no, sit down, everybody. Sit, sit. I'm gonna do the dishes.
Danny: Mom, we'll do the dishes. Why don't you take Michelle upstairs and settle in.
Claire: It is so nice to feel wanted. (picks up Michelle) Okay, come on, my sweet angel. Here we go. (turns to leave) The rest of you guys hang tight because lunch is not far away.
Claire exits. Everyone moans again.
Jesse: All right, come on, everybody. Let's clean the dishes.
Danny: Guys, do me a favor. Stop cleaning. Just let this mess sit right here.
DJ puts her hand on her father's forehead, as if checking for a fever.
DJ: Dad, are you feeling okay?
Danny: Yes. Did you see how my mom was cheered up? She loves taking care of us. I say we spend the weekend trying to make her feel like we really need her. Like we can't get along without her.
DJ: But we really can.
Danny: But we'll make it look like we can't.
Stephanie: You want us to lie? Daddy, I'm shocked.
Danny: No, honey, I don't want you to lie. I want you to make believe. Let's all make believe we're just too busy to cook, clean and take care of you girls.
Stephanie: I don't get it.
DJ: Let me see if I get it. In order to help Grandma, you want us to make believe we can't clean our room?
Danny: Exactly.
Stephanie: I still don't get--
DJ claps her hand over Steph's mouth.
DJ: Make believe you get it.
Jesse: If it'll help you and your mom, I'm happy to do what I can. Come on, Joseph, let's go trash the living room.
Joey: (winking at Danny and the girls) Yeah, let's trash it real good.
Danny: (stands up and points to Joey and Jesse) Guys, please, trash it neatly.
Jesse & Joey: (making "devil horns" over their heads with their fingers) Right.
Claire reenters.
Claire: Danny, I have never seen you leave a mess this long.
Danny: You know how it is. Jesse and Joey gotta work, and I've got errands to run. And, well, you know, sometimes it's hard to keep up.
Stephanie: Yeah, wait till you see how messy our room's gonna be.
Stephanie runs upstairs.
DJ: (in a tone that's obviously trying to cover something up) Isn't she an airhead?
DJ runs after Stephanie.
Claire: (begins to collect up the breakfast dishes) Go on. Do what you have to. I'm gonna clean the house this morning. And then I'll spend the afternoon with my granddaughters.
Danny: Oh, you are the best, Mom.
Claire: Thanks, hon.
Danny: Oh, Mom, one more thing. I gotta pick out a new bed for Michelle. You got any ideas?
Claire: (looks excited, folds her hands together as in a beg) Yes. Let me pick it out.
Danny: You're the boss.
Claire: You are the best boy.
Danny: You are the best mom.
(This exchange goes on as Danny goes into the living room)
Claire: No, you are.
Danny: You are.
Claire: No, I love you.
Danny: I love you.
Claire: Not as much as I love you.
Danny: I love you more.
Claire: I bet you don't.
Danny: I do too.

In Michelle's bedroom. Claire and Stephanie enter. The workmen have delivered the bed, it is a standard child's bed with pencils for bedposts.
Claire: We're back from the zoo.
Stephanie: Thanks, Grandma. I thought I had fun before, but now I know how much fun fun can really be.
As Claire envelops Stephanie in a hug, Steph winks at Danny over Claire's shoulder. Danny winks back.
Claire: Oh, you silly thing. My pleasure, honey. (Claire notices the bed) Oh, good! They delivered the bed. It looks terrific.
Danny: Oh, and it's a great choice, Mom.
Claire: Thanks, hon.
Joey: No one picks out a pencil bed quite like you, Claire.
Jesse: It's got that grandma touch.
Claire: Well, let's hope Michelle likes it. DJ, bring her in.
Michelle walks in and sees her bed.
Michelle: My big-girl bed!
Michelle climbs up onto the bed, stands up, and jumps up and down.
Jesse: Hold it, you little jumping bean! Give your grandma a kiss for buying you a new trampoline.
Jesse picks up Michelle and holds her toward Claire. Michelle kisses Claire.
Michelle: Thank you, Granny Tanny.
Claire: I am in grandma heaven. Come on, you guys. I am gonna cook you such a dinner, you're gonna think it is Thanksgiving.
Everyone moans again. When Claire pokes her head in with a stern look, everyone fakely rejoices. Everyone exits except Jesse and Michelle. Jesse sits Michelle on her bed.
Jesse: All right, little munchkin, you enjoy your new bed, but no more jumping up and down, okay?
Michelle: Okay, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: All right.
Jesse leaves. Michelle walks over to the door to see if anyone is out there. When she realizes the coast is clear, she shuts the door and starts jumping on her bed again. When Jesse opens the door, Michelle sits down just in time with a grin.
Michelle: Hello.
Jesse: (walking over to the bed) Were you jumping up and down on the bed, young lady?
Michelle: Who, me?
Jesse: The truth. Or I'm gonna tickle it out of you. Come here, you!
Jesse grabs Michelle, collapses onto the bed, and tickles her.

In the kitchen
Claire: Here you go.
Stephanie: Mmm, good! I can't remember when I had a meal with so much delicious food.
Claire: Sweetheart.
DJ: (aside to Steph) I can. It was lunch.
Claire: (approaching Danny) How do you like your Brussels sprouts?
Danny: Oh, Mom, steamed to perfection. As usual.
When Claire walks away, Danny spits out the Brussels sprouts and puts them on Michelle's plate.
Danny: Here, you eat them, Michelle.
Michelle: Yuck.
Claire: Did you write any commercials today?
Jesse: Yes.
Joey: No.
Jesse and Joey look at each other as if to say, "We're supposed to say the same thing!"
Jesse: No.
Joey: Yes.
Jesse and Joey look at each other again. Jesse gets up and walks over to Claire.
Jesse: Claire, the point is, we couldn't have done anything without you.
Claire: Thanks, honey. Hey, I'm glad to help out. If you want me to stay a little longer, I'm available.
Joey gets up and joins Jesse and Claire.
Joey: Hey, that's a great idea. I mean, why rush back home?
Jesse: Yeah, hang. You're making our life a breeze, Claire.
Jesse and Joey hug Claire.
Jesse & Joey: Claire.
Danny: The guys are right. I don't know how we've survived without you.
Claire: You really mean it?
Everyone: Yeah.
Danny: We love having you here.
DJ: Of course.
Claire: Well, if you guys really need me that much, I guess the only logical thing would be for me to move in.
The room is quiet for a few seconds.
Danny: Move in? Here?
Claire: Yeah, sure. Honey, that would be-- Listen, Joey and Jesse, you guys are young and you're single. And you've devoted two years of your lives raising this family. Now, here's your big opportunity. You can move out and get on with your own lives. Because Grandma is moving in for good.
The room grows silent again. Jesse and Joey look at each other, then at Claire, as if to say, "You're crazy!"
Stephanie: Grandma, are you really moving in?
Claire: (excitedly) Yes.
DJ: Guys, are you really moving out?
Jesse & Joey: (strangely) No.
Jesse: Claire, this is my family now. I don't want these girls growing up without me.
Joey: Or me. I can't leave. I was just chosen to be Stephanie's Honey Bee Hive mother.
Jesse looks at Joey as if to say "You're an idiot."
Claire: Well, listen, that's even better. Oh, Jesse, you know what, you move downstairs with Joey and we'll get you guys bunk beds.
Joey: (like a little kid) Yes, bunk beds!
Claire: What do you think, Danny, huh?
Danny: Well, I think bunk beds make a lot of sense.
Jesse looks at Danny the same way he looked at Joey.
Claire: Come on, my little angel, come on. I gotta get you ready for your new bed.
Michelle: My new bed. Come on, Granny Tanny.
Claire: Here I come, I'm gonna catch you.
Claire and Michelle run off.
Joey: Hey, I got dibs on the top bunk.
Jesse: (exasperated) We're not getting any bunk beds. What are we gonna do?
Danny: Hey, nobody panic. It's just a little misunderstanding. We may have done too good a job of making my mom feel needed.
Joey: That's what we get for lying to her.
Stephanie: So I was right. We were lying. Shame on us.
Joey: No, we're innocent. It's your father who put this whole scam together. Danny, you gotta tell your mother that we really don't need her.
Danny: Oh, man. That would break her heart.
Jesse: What, are you afraid to tell your mom the truth?
Danny: Hey, don't worry. I can be honest with my mom.
Danny stands up, and Brussels sprouts, which were hidden in the napkin on his lap, roll to the floor. Everyone looks at him.
Danny: I was wondering where those Brussels sprouts went to.

In Michelle's bedroom. Jesse is putting pillows all the way around Michelle, so she doesn't fall out of bed.
Jesse: Okay, Michelle, there we go. Lean back. (Jesse puts one last pillow behind Michelle's head) There.
Danny: Why don't you just bubble-pack her?
Jesse: Danny, I'm sorry, but she's little and she's round. And she rolls easy. I say we build kind of a fence thing around here.
Danny: You mean, like a crib?
Jesse: Oh yeah, we had one of those already, didn't we? (Jesse picks up pillows) We'll put them on the floor, just in case.
Danny: You are always thinking.
Danny and Jesse put the pillows on the floor, on either side of Michelle's bed.
Jesse: There we go.
Danny: Good night. I love you.
Jesse: Good night, Michelle. All right, Danny. Go talk to your mother now.
Danny: Okay.
Jesse: All right.
Danny and Jesse turn out the light and leave the room. Michelle gets out from her covers and goes to the foot of the bed.
Michelle: Whoa!
Jesse opens the door and turns on Michelle's lamp.
Jesse: Michelle, did you say something?
Michelle: I want my crib.
Jesse: Michelle, cribs are for babies. You're a big girl now. You see, the trick to a new bed is, you gotta break it in, you know? You gotta get the feel of it. All right, first, let's check the shocks, okay? Here we go. Ready? (Jesse bounces Michelle up and down) Now, that baby's got a good ride. Okay, and next, and most importantly, you gotta find the sweet spot. The sweet spot is the place that makes you feel all nice and cozy and cuddly. (Jesse tickles Michelle) Get out. Let me find it. (Jesse gets into the bed and rolls around.) Okay, all right, let me see. Let me see. (Jesse stops rolling) That's it, I found it. Okay, you ready? (Michelle nods, and Jesse puts her back into bed) Come on, let's see if you can get it. Here we go. Ready? There we go. (Michelle smiles) There, you're right in the sweet spot. You're gonna sleep like a baby. I mean, like a big girl. Good night, little ankle biter.
Jesse begins to leave the room.
Michelle: Uncle Jesse?
Jesse: (turns around) Yeah?
Michelle: Are you leaving me?
Jesse: (walks back to the bed and sits down) No, I wouldn't leave you on your first night in your new bed. I was just going to turn off the lights. And find a good book. And read it in the dark.
Michelle: Thank you.
Jesse: It's no problem. (He picks up a picture book) I've been meaning to catch up on... (He examines the title) The Bunny, the Ducky, the Turtle and the Frog.
Jesse begins to read.
Michelle: (sleepily) I love you.
Jesse: (puts down the book and hugs Michelle) Right back at you, kid.

In the kitchen. Joey is washing the dishes.
Danny: Hey, pal, let me give you a hand with those.
Joey: You wouldn't perchance be down here avoiding your mother, would you?
Danny: Joey, I can't go up there and tell her that I lied to her. She'd be so disappointed in me.
Joey: If you're nervous about telling her we really don't need her, start off with a small confession. Tell her how much you hate her Brussels sprouts.
Danny: I could never tell her that.
Joey: Danny, this is pathetic. Now, pretend I'm your mother. (impersonating Claire) My baby. Oh, kiss me, you fool! Let me get that. Danny, I'm gonna buy all your friends bunk beds. Is there anything you wanna say to me?
Danny: Yes, Mom. I hate Brussels sprouts.
Joey: (impersonating Claire) Oh, why don't you just put a knife through my heart?
Danny: That is exactly what she's gonna say.
Joey: (in normal voice) So what if she does? It's time to stop acting like a little kid who's trying to make his mommy happy.
Danny: I guess you're right.
Joey: Of course I'm right. Now go upstairs and tell her the truth, man to mom. And don't forget, you're the man.
Danny: Thanks, Joey.
Joey: You got it, pal.
Danny walks upstairs. Joey puts on his "Claire" voice again.
Joey: Oh, he's such a good boy.

In Jesse's bedroom
Danny: What are you doing, Mom?
Claire: Figuring out how to fit six rooms of furniture in here.
Danny: Mom, I've got something to tell you.
Claire: (sounding afraid) What's wrong?
Danny: Mom, what I gotta tell you is, I hate Brussels sprouts. There, I've said it, and now you know.
Claire slaps Danny on the shoulder.
Claire: Don't you ever scare me like that again. Who cares if you don't like Brussels sprouts? We can have eggplant.
Danny: What I'm trying to tell you is all my life, I've been pretending to like Brussels sprouts just to make you happy.
Claire: That's crazy. I don't like Brussels sprouts either. I keep cooking them because you keep telling me you love them.
Danny: How could anybody love a vegetable that smells like feet?
Claire: Danny, you didn't come up here to talk about vegetables. What's the problem?
Danny: This is so hard. Mom, I don't wanna disappoint you.
Claire: Oh, honey, you've never disappointed me in your entire life.
Danny: Stay tuned. When I saw how upset you were about your retirement, I asked everybody to kind of pretend that we really needed you here.
Claire: You lied to me?
Danny: I'm dirt and I'm scum and I should be sent to a reform school.
Claire: (sadly) I feel so stupid. I thought everybody really needed me here. Why did you do that to me?
Danny: Because I was trying to please you. I spent my whole life trying to be the perfect son.
Claire: Honey, you're not perfect. But I will always love you no matter what you do. And l am very proud of the man you turned out to be. Which I can take just a little bit of credit for.
Danny: Thanks, Mom. So you forgive me?
Claire: Of course I forgive you, honey. I mean, l understand. It's just that I'm simply not needed here.
Danny: Well, not as a live-in maid. But the girls could sure use a grandmother in the neighborhood.
Claire: (happily) You really mean that?
Danny: I've been trying to get you to move down here for years. There's nothing keeping you in Seattle.
Claire: No.
Danny: We'll go apartment hunting tomorrow.
Claire: Oh, I like that. Oh, you are a wonderful son.
Danny: You're a wonderful mom.
Claire: Oh, you are the best, honey.
Danny: You're the best.
Claire: You're the best. (Danny stands up) When did you get so tall?
Danny: I've always been this tall. I've been pretending to be shorter because I wanted to make you happy.
Claire: You are the best.
Danny: Oh, you're the best.
Claire: No, you are.
Danny: You're the best.
Claire: No, you.
Danny: You're the best.
Claire: You are the best.
They hug.

In DJ & Stephanie's bedroom. Steph and DJ are on their respective beds, chatting.
Stephanie: DJ, do you remember when I was sleeping in a crib?
DJ: Yeah. Life was so easy when you were behind bars.
Danny walks in and sits on their table.
Danny: Good news, girls. Grandma's gonna move into an apartment in the neighborhood.
DJ: Really? That's great.
Stephanie: Wonderful.
DJ: So is everything okay between you two?
Danny: Everything is great. I never have to eat Brussels sprouts again. I want you guys to know that I was wrong asking you to lie, even though I was trying to make Grandma feel better.
Stephanie: Well, I hope you learned your lesson.
Danny: Oh, I did. You know, if you ever do things to try and make me feel better, I'd much rather you just tell me the truth. Okay?
DJ & Stephanie: Okay.
Danny: Okay, thanks. Good night.
DJ: Good night, Dad.
Danny begins to walk out.
DJ: Oh, wait, Dad, just a minute. I thought of something.
Danny: Already?
DJ: Yeah, I don't really love cleaning as much as you think I do.
Stephanie: Neither do I.
Danny: You don't?
DJ: No. Especially scrubbing the grout in the shower. It's incredibly, totally disgusting.
Danny: Well, it is an acquired taste.
Stephanie: And l only asked Santa for a Dustbuster because I knew you'd be proud of me. I can't believe he actually brought me one.
Danny: A Dustbuster is a very practical gift.
DJ: Dad, then you made me....

*** End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1989
Directed by: Bill Foster
Written by: Marc Warren & Dennis Rinsler

Guest Cast:
Claire: Doris Roberts