Full House Scripts - Season 4

Teaser

Joey and Michelle Wear hockey jerseys and carry hockey sticks. Joey's teaching Michelle how to swing the stick. A bright ball is on the floor in front of them.
Joey: Okay, Michelle. The key to house hockey is no high sticking, no cross checking, and breaking a lamp will cost you ten minutes in the penalty box with Comet.
Comet sits in the penalty box
Michelle: Daddy said no hockey in the house.
Joey: Right. But the beauty part is, Daddy isn't home. And if you don't tell him, I won't tell him.
Michelle: This is very sneaky. But I like it.
Joey guards the kitchen door
Joey: (With French Accent) Now, you must try to shoot the puck past the world famous goalie, moi. You must be tricky because nothing gets past Pierre Le Pate.
Michelle moves the puck toward Joey
Michelle: Look ! Daddy's home! (Joey turns around. Michelle slams the puck past him) Score! (Michelle points) In your face, Pierre!
Joey laughs

In the kitchen, in morning, we find Jesse dressed in a bathrobe, relaxed at the kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee. Danny enters with Comet, and Danny has a folded newspaper in his mouth.
Danny: See Comet, this is how you fetch the morning paper. You bring it to your master.
Danny drops the paper and Jesse catches it
Jesse: Good boy, Danny. Do you want me to rub your belly?
Danny: That's okay, Jess. Although I could use a little scratch behind the ear.
Comet exits to the living room, Becky enters, adlibs "Good Morning" and kisses Jesse
Becky: We'd better get down to the station, Danny.
Danny: Great. You know what I love about our talk show? We get to take a hard-hitting look at the critical issues facing society today. What's on this morning's schedule?
Becky: Celebrity pasta salads.
Danny: Alright. Free food!
Danny and Becky exit. Jesse sits back, stretches, and opens the newspaper. Joey enters from the living room with a half-eaten candy apple...
Joey: Jess, why did I eat this candy apple for breakfast?
Jesse: Because you needed something to wash down that corn dog?
Joey: No, because I heard this apple calling me. "Joey... I'm juicy, and gooey, and I'm on a stick." (Regular voice) That's the same thing the corndog said. (As apple) Joey, I'm waiting. (Yells at the apple) Shut up. (To Jesse) That sticky goop pulled out one of my fillings.
Jesse: Oh man, that must really kill.
Joey: Only when I go like this... (Sucking in air) Owwww !!
Jesse: Then don't go like that.
Joey: The dentist can see me this morning. I just need you to cover for me. It's my day to be parent volunteer at Michelle' s preschool.
Jesse: Aw, come on. I don't want to spend my one free morning in a roomful of whiny, sticky- fingered, runny-nosed ankle- biters.
Joey: Jess, you leave me no choice... (Calling out) Michelle!
Michelle enters
Michelle: I'm ready, Joey.
Jesse: Whatever you wise guys cooked up, it's not gonna work.
Joey: Michelle, how would you feel if your Uncle Jesse went to preschool with you?
Michelle: I'd be the happiest girl in the whole world!
Jesse: You're wasting your time. I've lived with this kid for four years. I'm cute-proof.
Joey: Then you won't mind my asking... Michelle, how would you feel if your Uncle Jesse didn't want to take you?
Michelle: I'd be the saddest girl in the whole world.
Michelle makes a sad face
Jesse: You're just saying all this because Joey told you to.
Michelle: And because I love you. (She hugs Jesse's arm)
Joey: Oh, beautiful save.
Jesse: Alright, call her off. I'm going to preschool with Michelle.
Michelle: Yay! (to Joey) That was easy.
Michelle gives Joey a high five. They laugh...

In DJ and Stephanie's room, Stephanie is Gathering her school books while DJ and Kimmy look over some papers at the table...
DJ: Here you go, Steph. Hot off the press. Your free copy of my school newspaper.
Stephanie: Oh goodie! News about kids I don't know at a school I don't go to.
Kimmy: Check out my new column: "Madame Kimmy's Horoscope." If the words are too big for you to read, you can always color on it. (She laughs)
Stephanie: Oh, here's a big word... horoscope. What's that Kimmy, a telescope that can only see your face? (She imitates Kimmy's laugh)
DJ: As editor of the paper, I must say Kimmy did an excellent job. She got all the astrological signs right, except for aquarium, the fish tank.
Stephanie: Are you saying Kimmy can tell the future? She can barely tell time.
Kimmy: DJ, read Stephanie's horoscope. I bet you all of Madame Kimmy's predictions come true.
DJ: (Picks up the paper, Kimmy moves by Stephanie) (Gypsy style) Let us see what the stars foretell, young Capricorn. "Your day starts with good fortune."
Stephanie: Wrong already. Kimmy's here.
DJ: "Afternoon brings an unpleasant surprise."
As DJ continues, Kimmy slips a dollar in Stephanie's coat pocket)
Stephanie: What happens then? Kimmy comes back? (She laughs) I'm on a roll.
DJ: "Then, a misunderstanding will occur at home. Exercise extreme caution after dark." Go now. I must rest.
Kimmy: Your day starts with good fortune. Maybe you should check your pocket.
Stephanie puts her hand in her pocket and finds the bill
Stephanie: Wow... a dollar! Just like my horoscope said. (DJ and Kimmy smile)
Does this mean that all that bad stuff's gonna happen too?
Kimmy: Chill, squirt. I put that dollar in your pocket. Now joke's over, give it back.
DJ: (A la Gypsy) Not so fast. Kimmy, your horoscope says...You will make a financial blunder."
Kimmy: Really ?
DJ shows Kimmy the newspaper...
Stephanie: Your blunder, my buck. (She exits)
DJ: Let me see what mine says. (Reads gypsy-style) You will talk with a bad accent. (She laughs, Kimmy gives her a look)

In preschool hallway, later that morning, Michelle leads Jesse to the door...
Michelle: Let's go, we're missing all the fun.
Jesse: Michelle, I'm not really into this preschool stuff so let's not make a big deal out of my being here, okay?
Michelle: You got it, dude. (She drags Jesse into the classroom filled with kids playing in groups, then she yells to the class) Hey everybody, it's my uncle Jesse!
All Kids: Hi Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: Hi, rug rats.
Michelle's Teacher, Mrs. Manning, comes over. Michelle takes off her jacket...
Mrs. Manning: I'm Mrs. Manning. Welcome to preschool, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Nice to meet you. I'll just stay out of your way. Wake me up for naptime.
Mrs. Manning: Uncle Jesse, you're our special helper today. And special helpers get to join in all the fun.
Jesse: But see I don't have any experience in the special helper field. Actually I'm a musician.
Mrs. Manning: That's perfect, because today is music day. (To kids) Everybody on the magic carpet for music time. Pick out an instrument.
The kids go to the magic carpet and pick instruments. Mrs. Manning motions for Jesse to sit down...
Mrs. Manning: Uncle Jesse, you can sit in the magic chair.
Jesse: It'll be magic if I can fit into this.
Michelle: Sit down so we can sing.
The kids laugh as Jesse sits in the little chair...
Jesse: Oh goodie. Here I am in my magic chair, on the magic carpet with the Munchkin Tabernacle Choir. Boy do I feel like a doofus.
Aaron: Let's play music, Uncle Doofus.
Jesse: That's so cute. Never say that again.
Michelle: Uncle Jesse can sing like Elvis.
Mrs. Manning: Wonderful. Why don't you play the children a song. (She offers him a guitar)
Jesse: "The King" didn't play a lot of preschools.
Aaron: He's chicken.
Jesse: Oh yeah, like I'm really gonna respond to the challenge of a four-year old.
Aaron: (imitating a chicken) Bawwk-bawwk-bawwk...
Jesse: Give me that guitar.
Mrs. Manning hands Jesse the guitar and moves off. Aaron grabs Michelle's tambourine...
Michelle: Uncle Jesse, Aaron took my tambourine.
Jesse: Hey, be cool, man. No stealing on the magic carpet. Keep that up and you'll end up in the magic prison.
Aaron gives the tambourine back...
Michelle: Thank you very much.
Jesse: Here's a little tune about a man you all know and love. He goes by the name of Farmer. And you know where he lives... in that fabulous dell. Two, three, four... (Singing a la Elvis) "The farmer in the dell. The farmer in the dell. I said a viva las dairy, o the farmer in the dell. And the cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone. Hunk - a, hunk-a stinky cheese, the cheese stands alone"(He stops singing) Thank you very much. You're a beautiful peanut gallery. The kids yell for more and bang their instruments...
Jesse: The farmer has left the building. (He stands up with the chair stuck on him. The kids laugh. As he pulls the chair off, Mrs Manning takes the guitar back)
Mrs. Manning: Thank you, Uncle Jesse. Now while I get ready for puppet time why don't you pass out the animal cookies.
Jesse: That sounds easy enough. (He frees himself from the pile chair. Mrs Manning hands him a box of animal cookies. Jesse squats down) Okay, kids. It's magic cookie time! (The kids mob Jesse. They knock him over and jump on him grabbing for the box. Jesse crawls to safety and hides behind the play stove) Watch the hair. Back, back, you little preschool piranhas. What happened to my life? Okay, who was first? (All kids raise their hands) That was a dumb question. (Handing out animal crackers) Here you go. Here's an elephant for you. (He hands it to Michelle, then he hands one to Aaron) Here's a camel for you. (Aaron and Michelle move off) Okay, gather around the table. And to think I almost had to spend the day with grown-ups.
Jesse continues giving out cookies. Aaron grabs Michelle's cracker and gobbles it down...
Michelle: Hey, you ate my elephant!
Aaron: It's in my tummy now. (He laughs. Michelle runs over to Jesse)
Michelle: Uncle Jesse, Aaron ate my elephant.
Jesse: Well that's not fair. Then you go eat his cookie. When somebody does something to you, you do it right back.
Michelle: Works for me. (She marches back over to Aaron) Gimme your cookie. (She snatches Aaron's cookie and eats it)
Aaron: That was my camel!
Michelle: It's in my tummy now. (She laughs. Aaron pinches her on the arm) Owwwch!
Michelle pinches Aaron's arm. They pinch back and forth and scream simultaneously. Jesse and Mrs. Manning rush over...
Mrs. Manning: What is going on here?
Aaron and Michelle release each other
Aaron: Michelle pinched me.
Mrs. Manning: Michelle, did you pinch Aaron?
Michelle: Yes I did.
Jesse: Did he pinch you first?
Michelle: Yes he did.
Mrs. Manning: You both know pinching is not allowed.
Michelle: Uncle Jesse said to do it back.
Jesse: The kid's been bugging her all morning.
Mrs. Manning: Well, that's not how we settle things here. Now I think you both need to sit in the corner for time out. Aaron over there. Michelle over there.
Aaron moves off to the corner...
Michelle: Me? I'm the good one.
Jesse: Yeah, she's the good one.
Mrs. Manning: Michelle, go. (She goes to the couch)
Jesse: Whoa! You call this justice? She was just defending herself.
Mrs. Manning: It's not appropriate behavior in my classroom.
Jesse: I think you've been spending too much time on the magic carpet. There's a real world waiting for those kids out there and they need to learn to stick up for themselves.
Mrs. Manning: They also need to learn that violence is not the answer.
Jesse: Oh, so anyone can just march right up to them and eat their elephants ? There's no way I'm letting my niece grow up to be a wimp.
Mrs. Manning: Well I'm in charge at school. The punishment stands.
Jesse: Well, then maybe Michelle shouldn't be in this school. Come on short stuff. We're out of here. (He picks up Michelle) Goodbye kids
The kids adlib Goodbye. Michelle shrugs as Jesse carries her out...

Later that day, in the living room, we find Joey entering from the front door. He looks awful and mumbles all his dialogue incoherently...
Joey: Hi.
nny and Becky are seated eating celebrity pasta...
Danny: Good, Joey. You're back from the dentist. You have to taste this Ted Koppel Capellini.
Joey: (His tongue keeps falling out of his mouth and he keeps stuffing it back in.) I can't. I had Novocain. And then they went... (Makes drilling noises) And then I had root canal.
Danny: What did you say?
Joey: I had root canal.
Danny: What did he say?
Becky: You heard him, he had... (Saying it like Joey) Root canal.
Danny: Thanks for clearing that up.
The phone rings...
Joey: I got it. (He answers a cordless phone and adlibs an animated conversation, covers the phone to fill in everyone as to what's going on, then goes back to his phone conversation and exits laughing)
Jesse and Michelle enter from the zoo. They all adlib hello's...
Danny: Michelle, where'd you get all that stuff?
Michelle: At the zoo. I saw lions and tigers and bears.
Danny: Oh my. What happened to preschool?
Jesse: Well, a funny thing happened at snack time today...
Michelle: I quit preschool.
Danny: You quit preschool?
Jesse: You know, preschool is highly overrated. Tell your daddy what you learned out in the real world today.
Michelle: A camel can spit.
Jesse: See? The real world.., that's the best teacher. One day you're gonna thank me for pulling her out of that place.
Danny: Why would you do that? It happens to be an excellent preschool. Michelle's getting an academic foundation that will carry her through grades K through twelve, college, Harvard law school... Jess, you have robbed our nation of one of the finest legal minds the Supreme Court has ever known.
Michelle: I gotta go potty. (She exits)
Danny: Jess, you're out of your mind.
Becky: Danny, I'm sure Jesse had a very good reason for pulling her out of preschool. Tell him, honey.
Jesse: They were gonna make Michelle sit in the corner.
Becky: And then?
Jesse: That's it.
Becky: Jess, you're out of your mind.
Jesse: Hey, you weren't there. This little punk was giving Michelle a hard time so I told her she had to take care of herself and when the kid pinched her she pinched him back. A real good one too.
Danny: Not a good lesson.
Jesse: Hey, it worked for me when I was a kid. An eye for an eye, a pinch for a pinch. You gotta learn how to survive out in the streets.
Danny: What streets? Michelle's not allowed out of the backyard.
Becky: Excuse me.
Jesse: Hey, I just want the kid to learn to stand up for herself.
Danny: I do too. But you had no right to pull Michelle out of school without consulting me first.
Jesse: Hey, I thought I was living here to help raise my nieces.
Becky: Excuse me.
Danny: But those nieces happen to be my daughters.
Jesse: Oh, I get it. I'm just the hired help. What would you like for dinner? Pork chops or chicken? I don't want to make a big decision without consulting you first.
Danny: Jess, cook whatever you want. But I kind of feel like chicken.
Becky: Excuse me. Can I say something, please?
Jesse: Yeah, tell Danny he's wrong.
Danny: Tell Jesse he's wrong.
Becky: I just want to say... that this is none of my business.

We find Joey in the kitchen. Joey laughs and finishes his phone call. Then he gets a bottle of aspirin, but he can't get the cap off...
Joey: Oh great. Child proof.
Stephanie enters from the back door
Stephanie: Joey, I'm freaking out. Kimmy's horoscope said I'd have an unpleasant surprise. And it happened! Instead of pizza, the cafeteria served pimento loaf. It was like eating bologna with eyes.
Joey: (Mumbles incoherently) I know what you mean. I hate pimento loaf.
Stephanie: Joey, I can't understand you. Hey, wait a second. That's in my horoscope, too. (Reading from Horoscope) "A misunderstanding will occur at home." I'm at home. I'm misunderstanding you. I'm freaking out again. (She exits upstairs). Joey puts the aspirin in his mouth and drinks a glass of water which dribbles down his chin. Next he uses the dish washer sprayer and sprays water in his mouth
In the girls room a little later, DJ and Kimmy are at the table...
DJ: What do you think about this for next week's editorial? "Tardiness: Are we really late or does class start just a little too early?"
Stephanie enters, wearing a catcher's mask, a tennis racket and a clown lamp. She looks around the room cautiously then goes to her bed and stands guard with the tennis racket...
Kimmy: What are you doing? Practicing for the nerd Olympics?
Stephanie: Everything in your horoscope came true. Now it says I have to exercise extreme caution after dark. That's why I'm sleeping with Michelle's night light.
Kimmy: Well, I guess I better tell you the truth, kid. I don't know anything about astrology. I just copied those horoscopes out of old newspapers.
Stephanie: Kimmy, what are you saying?
DJ: She's saying you should've had this day three months ago.
Stephanie: You mean thanks to this woman I spent the whole day freaking out over nothing? (She goes nose to nose with Kimmy and flips her catcher's mask up) How rude!
Michelle enters...
Michelle: Hey, you stole my clown lamp!
Stephanie: Michelle, I just need to borrow it.
Michelle: That's mine. You're in big trouble mister. (She pinches Stephanie's arm)
Stephanie: Oww!
Jesse enters...
Jesse: What's going on?
Stephanie: Did you see what Michelle just did?
Jesse: No. What did you do, Michelle?
Michelle: I did this. (She pinches Stephanie's arm again)
Stephanie: Oww!
Jesse: Michelle, stop pinching Stephanie.
Michelle: You said I could.
Jesse: No, I said it was okay to do it this morning but that was 'different. Aaron took your cookie.
Michelle: Stephanie took my lamp.
Jesse: No you see, Michelle, in the first case someone took something that was yours, but in this case someone took something that was yours. Oh boy.
Michelle: (To Stephanie) Give it back or you're getting it again. (She raises her hands and takes a pinching stance)
Jesse: Whoa, crab girl. Put away those pinchers. We've gotta talk. Follow me.
He leads her out, Michelle turns back to Stephanie and points gunslinger style...
Michelle: I'll be back for the clown.(Jesse picks her up and exits)

In Jesse's bedroom, Jesse and Michelle enter and sit down on the floor...
Jesse: Michelle, we gotta have a talk. I'm not happy about saying this, but your Uncle Jesse was wrong today. (Michelle does a mouth drop) I'm as shocked as you are. But what happened was, I lost my cool and acted like a big jerk.
Michelle: No problem.
Jesse: Yeah it is a problem. See, when I was a kid, I got in a lot of fights. And looking back, I realized I handled those fights all wrong. I should of led with my jab more. No, I'm kidding. I'm not proud of those fights.
Michelle: No problem.
Jesse: Thanks, but what I should've said at school today was if somebody is bothering you, first you should try to stop them with words like, "knock it off," or the ever popular "buzz off Buck-O." And if that doesn't work then you find a parent or a teacher to help you. But no pinching or hitting. Capiche?
Michelle: Capiche. No more pinching.
Danny enters...
Danny: Jess, I called Mrs. Manning and straightened things out. Michelle, you're going back to school tomorrow.
Michelle: Okay, but it's Saturday.
Danny: Make that Monday.
Jesse: I straightened out a few things with Michelle too. Tell your father what you learned.
Michelle: Uncle Jesse was wrong.
Danny: No kidding?
Jesse: Michelle, tell him what you learned after that.
Michelle: Uncle Jesse is a big jerk.
Danny: You taught her that too?
Jesse: Michelle, remember how we talked about no pinching, going to adults for help? Remember how we said we were going to use words to solve our problems?
Michelle: Yes I do. Buzz off Buck-O. (She starts out. Jesse grabs her)
Danny: You taught her "buzz off Buck -0? "
Jesse: At least she didn't pinch me.
Danny: Well, it sounds like we're making progress anyway.
Jesse: Danny, I'm sorry. I should have talked all this stuff over with you before I turned Michelle into a preschool dropout. It won't happen again.
Danny: Thanks, Jess. I know the bottom line is, you were just trying to protect Michelle.
Jesse: I wish there was some way I could make this up to you.
Danny: It's you lucky day. I told the school you'd be special helper for the rest of the week. Isn't that good news, Michelle?
Michelle: I'm the happiest girl in the whole world, Buck-O.

***End***

Guest Cast:
Mrs. Manning: Roseanne Katon
Aaron: Miko Hughes

Script edited by: Lathander
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever