Full House Scripts - Season 4

Teaser

We find Jesse and Michelle in the kitchen.
Jesse: Okay Shorty, what cereal were you bugging your uncle Jesse to buy for breakfast ?
Michelle: Fiber Bears!
Jesse: You got it dude!
Michelle: I'm glad I woke you up.
Jesse: Me too. If you hadn't come up and jumped on my stomach I would have missed a beautiful sunrise this morning. I'll get the milk.
Michelle turns the box with cereal upside down, so all cereal ends up in and around her bowl. Then she starts searching it, untill she finds a toy.
Michelle: Here he is, party teddy.
Jesse: Michelle, what about breakfast ?
Michelle: Two eggs, over eighty. Thank you.

(DJ is in her room eating cookies on her bed, Stephanie comes in)
Stephanie: Hey Deej, look what I got from school today, a recorder. Any requests?
DJ: Yes, please don't play.
Stephanie: "On top of Old Smokey"? You got it!
(She starts playing, then hits a wrong note)
DJ: Oh yeah, that's not gonna drive me nuts.
Stephanie: This happens to be my homework for music appreciation.
DJ: Well, when it happens to be music, I'll appreciate it. Will you please practice somewhere else? I'm making a collage for Kimmy's birthday card.(Kimmy walks in)
Kimmy: Howdy, girls.
DJ: Kimmy,(she covers up Kimmy's b-day card) you're not supposed to be in this room.
Stephanie: I've been telling her that for years.(she leaves)
Kimmy: (she gives DJ a card) Here's your invitation to my surprise birthday party.
DJ: You're throwing yourself a surprise birthday party?
Kimmy: Yeah, and this is the face I'm going to use.(she makes a face)
DJ:"You are cordially invited to attend Kimmy's fabulous 14th surprise birthday party at the Excelsior Hotel." Whoa, how'd you swing that?
Kimmy: My brother Garth is a bellhop. He can sneak us into the pool area. Oh, if anybody asks, you are...(she pulls out a list) Heather Zink from Philadelphia, and you are staying in room 1541.
DJ: You're having a pool party in November? What a dumb idea.
Kimmy: No, they have an indoor pool. Tomorrow we can go shopping for new bathing suits. This party is gonna be so rad.
DJ: Yeah, rad for you, because you have the perfect body.
Kimmy: Me? The perfect body?(she looks at her body) Well, I guess I can't argue with you there.
DJ: There is no way I'm wearing a bathing suit in front of everyone until I look like one of these models.(she shows her a fashion magazine)
Kimmy: But DJ, you're my best friend. You gotta come to my party.
DJ: Alright, I'll come. But this means I only got two weeks to get skinny. Starting right now. So no more cookies.(she puts the box of cookies in the trash can)How do you stay so thin?
Kimmy: Well, I excercise. Like waist bends for example.(she does waist bends)And 1 and 2 and 3(she gets the box out of the trash can) and 4. And then I watch what I eat.(she looks at the cookie) This looks good.(she eats it)

(In the kitchen, DJ is taping pictures of models on the fridge)
Becky: Hey, is anybody home?(she walks in the kitchen) Hi Deej.
DJ: Hi.
Becky: Wow, I bet your dad and the guys will like these better than Michelle's finger paintings.
DJ: Looking at the models is gonna help me stay out of the refridgerator.
Becky: Why? You're trying to lose weight?
DJ: I got two weeks to look like you. Do you mind if I scotch tape you to the refridgerator?
Becky: Deej, if you wanna lose a couple of pounds, all you have to do is eat sensibly. You could have boiled fish, lean chicken without the skin, fresh fruits, delicous steamed vegetables, a nice whole grain pasta with a light tomato sauce and just a sprinkling of parmesan cheese.
DJ: Becky, I'm trying to keep my mind off of food.
Becky: Sorry. The most important thing is to keep the junk food out of the house.(Jesse comes in with a box)
Jesse: Cake's here!
Becky: Uh, Jess, maybe we should do that later.
DJ: Oh, that's okay Becky. I don't need any cake. I'll just have one of thes delicious water pops I made.(She takes one out of the freezer)
Jesse:(yelling) Alright, everybody in the kitchen! I need some opinions!(Nobody comes) Free cake!!(everyone comes)
Stephanie: Free cake?
Danny: Did I hear you say something's free?
Michelle: I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming! I'm here.
Jesse: Alright, we need you guys to help me and Becky pick out our wedding cake.
Becky: I thought we decided on a chocolate cake.
Jesse: Well, chocolate's just not chocolate anymore.(he opens a box filled with samples of different chocolate cakes) See what I mean?
Michelle: Whoa, baby!
Jesse: You see, you got your dark chocolate, your white chocolate, your chunky chocolate, your mocha choco-chocolate, your double-fudge chocolate, your triple chocolate-chocolate-chocolate, and carrot cake.(everyone looks at him) Well, the carrot was sitting there so lonely, no one picks carrot cake.
Michelle: Let's pig out!
Danny: Now, now, Michelle, you're not being very polite.
Michelle: I'm sorry. Let's pig out, please!
Joey: Come on, Deej. You're gonna miss the cake.
DJ: Oh, who needs cake when you can lick ice on a stick.(she licks it) Mmm, wet and cold and.. thaty's about it.
Michelle: I can't take it, I need that cake! (she eats all the cake)
Danny: Whoa, Michelle! Michelle!
Jesse: alright, Michelle. Michelle, which one do you like the best?
Michelle: Chocolate.
Danny: Let's go give her a bath.

(Stephanie and DJ are in their room)
DJ: Weigh-in time, I hate this part.
Stephanie: You need some weighing music!(she plays, hitting that wrong note, Jesse comes in)
Jesse: Steph, have mercy on my ears, will you?
DJ: This can't be right! Two days and I've only lost half a pound? I'm going off this stupid diet.
Jesse: Good. You don't need to be on a diet anyway. You wanna shape up a little bit, just excercise. In fact, why don't you work out at Michelle's gym?
DJ: Oh, yeah, like I really want Michelle's body.
Jesse: They have an adult gym down there, too. I tell you what, Saturday we'll get the whole family to go down there. They can all use a little toning up. Of course, in my case I'd just be toning tone.
Stephanie: I'll provide the workout music.(She plays, then hits the bad note, Michelle walks in)
Michelle: Stephanie,
Stephanie: Yes, Michelle?
Michelle: You are not good.
Jesse: Ah, see, she's just missing one note, here.(he plays, then hits the bad note)
Michelle: You are not good, too.
Jesse: Wait a minute, there's something stuck in here.(he blows through the recorder, a piece of gum lands on Michelle's forehead)
Stephanie: That's where I stuck my gum!
Michelle: That is not funny.

(In the kitchen, Danny's doing dishes. DJ and Kimmy walk in)
Kimmy: Doing dishes? Another big Saturday, huh; Mr. T?
Danny: Good to see you, too, Kimmy. DJ, you missed lunch, but I saved you a sandwich.(he puts it on the counter)
DJ: Oh, well, great. Thanks, dad.
Kimmy: Hey, check out my new bathing suit for my pool party.(she pulls it out)
Danny: It's you, Kimmy. Loud. DJ, eat up, we're all going to the gym. (he leaves)
DJ: I'm skipping lunch, you want my sandwich?
Kimmy: Yeah, sure. Ham, again?(she gives it to DJ) I've been eating your lunch for three days, and every sandwich is ham.(Stephanie's listening in) Did your dad hit a pig with his car?
DJ: Goodbye, Kimmy.(she leaves)
Stephanie: DJ, you're giving your lunches to Kimmy?
DJ: Yeah, so what?
Stephanie: You've been skipping breakfast and dinner, too. I'm not an expert on this, but shouldn't a person eat?
DJ: Uh, you're right Steph. I'll eat my sandwich.
Stephanie: You promise?
DJ: I promise.(she takes a bite)
Stephanie: Much better. Now get yourself an apple and a glass of milk, and your basic food groups are covered.(she leaves, DJ spits out the sandwich in a napkin)
DJ: Come here, Comet. Look what I have for you, people food.(she feeds it to him) You're lucky, dogs don't have to wear bathing suits.
Stephanie: DJ, what are you doing?
DJ: Comet stole it right out of my hand.
Stephanie: You're lying again.
DJ: No I'm not.
Stephanie: Lie number three. When will this end?
DJ: Steph, I got one week to look good in a bathing suit in front of my friends. Now, when the party's over, I'll start eating again. But, until then, this is our little secret. Pinky swear?
Stephanie: No, not the pinky.
DJ: Yes, the pinky. You have to pinky swear that you won't tell anyone I haven't been eating. Now, hook up.(she puts Stephanie's pinky in hers)Now, say it. Pinky swear.
Stephanie: Pinky Swear, but I don't like it.
DJ: Well, too bad. Your lips are sealed.

(at the gym)
Stephanie: It smells like a sweat sock in here.
Joey:(pretending to be muscular) Yeah, these are my people.(to a muscular man)What do you bench, dude?
Man: 505.
Joey: Beginner, huh? It's cool.
Man: It better be.(Joey leaves)
Michelle: Hey Mister, you are very lumpy.
Jesse: I hope you're not offended, but if you are, that's her father right there.(He points to Danny)
DJ: So, what's the best way to burn off calories?
Danny: Well, you make it fun. You could ride a bike.(she gets on) I loved bike riding when I was a kid. Of course, my banana-seat huffy didn't have an onboard computer. Start off slow, on one. You don't wanna do too much too soon, okay?
Becky: Come on, Steph. Let's go stretch before aerobics class.(they leave)
Michelle: To the kiddie gym, boys. 1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2...(the guys leave, DJ changes the speed to 75)

(In the kiddie gym)
Michelle: Hi, Zachary. Hi, Kelsey. Hi, kid I don't know.
Jesse: Alright, Michelle. Show us your stuff. Here, loosen up first.
Michelle:(stretching) 1...2...3. Ready, Freddy.
Joey: Michelle Tanner will now compete in the Iron Munchkin Triatholon. The first event, ooh, the trampolen.(she jumps)
Michelle: I love this.
Joey: Let's see that again in slow motion.(In slow motion) I...love...this. Okay. Ooh, the next event, the balance beam.Ooh.(she walks) Remember, folks, she's working without a net. And now, for the big finish, Michelle will attempt a single-tuck summer sault with no twist.
Danny and Jesse: Oooh!
Joey: We need complete silence while she prepares.(Michelle prepares) She's psyched up. And there she goes!(she does it)
Michelle: Ta-da!
Danny: Perfect ten!
Michelle: I am pumped!

(In the adult gym, DJ gets off the bike, weighs herself, then gets on another machine)
Becky: Aerobics time.(she leaves)
Jesse: Come on, boys.(Stephanie and him leave)
Danny: I'm not going to aerobics class.
Joey:(pretending to be muscular) Me neither.(two women walk by)
Woman: Come on, we don't want to be late for aerobics class.
Joey: Me neither.(he leaves)
Danny: Me neither.(he leaves)

(In aerobics class, the guys are in the back)
Instructor: Okay, let's keep it moving out there!(the guys look tired) Work those bodies! 1...2...3...4...Come on, guys! Staring at women is not a work out!
Joey: Oh, yeah? It's got my heart going pretty good.
Instructor: You guys gonna make it here?
Guys: Yes.
Instructor:Oh, yeah? Do you always have tears in your eyes when you excercise?
Guys: Yes.
Instructor: Let's move up front. Maybe it'll help you if you can see me better.
Joey: It couldn't hurt.(they move up)
Instructor: Move those legs, boys! Come on! Alright, now let's crank it up! 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8! Are you burning?
Guys: I'm burning!
Instructor: Alright, and rest!(the guys fall on the ground)
Stephanie: DJ's gotta see this!(she leaves)
Instructor: Alright, now that we're all warmed up, let's start the class!
Guys: Aaaaah!
Jesse: I'm gonna go work out with Michelle.(he leaves)
Danny: I better go with you.(he leaves)
Joey: I better stay here.
Becky: Why?
Joey: Cause I can't move.

(in the adult gym)
Stephanie: Deej, come on, you're missing all the fun.
DJ: I'll be right there.(she gets off, and falls)
Stephanie: Dad, DJ!
Danny: DJ, are you okay?
DJ: Yeah, I just got a little dizzy.
Jesse: Here, drink this.(he gives her a water bottle)
Joey: How do you feel now, Deej?
DJ: Uh, I'm okay. I guess I just over did it.
Stephanie: But DJ...
DJ: Steph, I'm okay.
Danny: I think we better get Michelle and go home.

(In the kitchen, DJ comes downstairs)
DJ: Hi guys.
Everyone: Hi DJ.
Danny: you feeling better after your nap, honey?
DJ: Yeah, I'm as good as new.
Becky: Are you sure?
DJ: Yes, I'm sure?
Stephanie: Are you really sure?
DJ: Would everybody stop making such a big deal about this?!
Joey: Deej, I made your favorite, chicken parmesan. Come here, and check out this sauce.
DJ: I...can't. I just brushed my teeth.
Jesse: Before dinner?
DJ: Doesn't anyone care about dental hygiene around here?
Danny: Whoa, DJ, calm down. I happen to care very deeply about our family's teeth and gums. Now, what's going on?
DJ: Nothing is going on! I'm going to Kimmy's for dinner.
Stephanie: Don't belive her, dad.
DJ: Steph, you pinky swore.
Stephanie: I don't care. I don't want you to get sick. Dad, I know why DJ's acting so cranky and why she got dizzy today. She hasn't eaten anything in three days.
Danny: Is that true? You haven't eaten anything in three days?
Jesse: DJ, I think you should sit down and eat, right now.
DJ: I can't! I'm finally starting to lose weight.
Joey: DJ, you're starving yourself. You could do serious damage to your body.
Danny: DJ, this kind of behavior can lead to serious eating disorders. Anorexia, bulemia. You're heading down a dangerous road here.
DJ: I don't care! I'm the one who has to wear the bathing suit next week. It's my life, and I can do whatever I want!(she runs upstairs)
Danny: Deej, hold on a minute.(he runs upstairs)
Stephanie: I hope she's not mad at me.
Jesse: No. You did the right thing. She's lucky to have a sister like you.

(In DJ's room)
Danny: DJ, we have to talk.
DJ: You don't understand! I don't like the way I look. I want to look like these models.
Danny: Why?
DJ: Because they're beautiful.
Danny: Well, so are you.
DJ: Oh, yeah? Well, show me one girl in here with this round face and these Charlie Brown cheeks.
Danny: Honey, people come in all different shapes and sizes. Everybody wishes they could change something about themselves. Back when I was a kid, I wished I could be more like that guy on the Incredible Hulk.
DJ: You wanted to be a big green monster with muscles?
Danny: No, not him. The other guy, the guy that turned into the Hulk. He was just nice and average. He wasn't too tall, he wasn't too skinny. He didn't stick out like I thought I did. Then I realized, he didn't have it so easy either. Everytime he lost his temper, he had to buy a new shirt.
DJ: Well, you made me smile, but there's still no way I'm wearing a bathing suit in front of my friends.
Danny: Okay, let me ask you a question. Why do you like your friends?
DJ: Because they're nice, and we have fun together, and we do things for eachother.
Danny: Not because they all look like models?
DJ: No.
Danny: Maybe that's because deep down inside you know, that how a person look on the outside, isn't nearly as important as who they are on the inside, right?
DJ: Right.
Danny: Honey, I just wish you could try to see yourself the way you see your friends. Deej, you got such a good heart. You care about people. and that's why people care about you. And everybody who knows the real DJ, thinks she's pretty terrific.
DJ: Thanks, dad. I love you.(they hug)
Danny: I love you, too. That's why I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to promise me that you're gonna eat healthy, and excercise the right way.
DJ: I promise. No more crash diets. I'm gonna go to Kimmy's party and have fun with my friends.
Danny: Good. Let's go have dinner.
DJ: I think I'll start with a salad, dressing on the side.
(they leave)

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Instructor: Britton Taylor
Woman: Lisa Melilli
Man: Troy Zuccolotto