Full House Scripts - Season 4

Teaser

We find Jesse in his room playing the drums with Michelle watching
Michelle: My turn!
Jesse: Oh, I knew you had it in ya! You wanna be just like your Uncle Jesse, right?
He puts Michelle on the drum seat
Jesse: Okay here we go. Sit over here, grab the sticks, here there...alright now, what you do is start off on the base drum. Do 1 and 3 on the base drum, 2 and 4 on the snare, eighths on the high head, do a big flourish and end up with the cymbal.
Michelle: Are you talking to me?
Jesse: Yeah, forget all that. Just bang the heck out of them
Michelle starts banging the drums
Jesse picks up Michelle
Jesse: Rock and Roll!
Michelle: We love you San Francisco!
Michelle continues to bang the drums

We find Danny, Stephanie, and Michelle in the kitchen
Danny: Hey Steph! We just got back from pre: school and your sister, Michelle, has something to show you.
Michelle: Wanna see what I got?
Stephanie: Sure why not?
Michelle: You have to say "please"
Stephanie: I'm not that interested.
Danny: Steph, just play along. It's politeness week at pre-school. I'd like you to meet Officer Michelle, of the "Polite Police"
Michelle: I'll be watching you, mister! Stephanie, have a very nice day!
Michelle leaves
DJ and Kimmy enter
DJ: Hi!
Danny: Hey.
DJ: Dad! Boy I missed you! How's the greatest dad in the history of dads feeling today?
Danny: Very suspicious.
Kimmy: Compliment him on his shoe, sock, pant combination. Dads love that!
DJ: Dad, sit down, make yourself comfortable.
Stephanie: Careful Dad! She needs money, and lots of it.
DJ: How do you know?
Stephanie: Deej, we go back 8 years! We all know when it's kiss-up time.
Stephanie leaves
Danny: Alright, how much?
DJ: Well you have to know that this money is not for anything fun. It's for clothes, a basic necessity of life!
Danny: How much?
DJ: Well before I tell you the actual dollar amount, you have to know that these are the worlds coolest tennis shoes!
Danny: How much!?
DJ: Only $80!....Per shoe.
Danny starts laughing
DJ: Why are we laughing?
Danny: Because for a second there, I thought you actually asked me for $160 for sneakers.
DJ: I did.
Kimmy: But these aren't just sneakers! These are "Blow-Outs!"
DJ: "Blow Outs" are so rad! They actually inhale and exhale as you walk, and if I don't get these, I'm going to be a total geek!
Kimmy: You know how that feels Mr. T.
Danny: Takes one to know one. Deej, you don't always have to follow the crowd. When I was a boy, and everybody was wasting their allowance on those Evil Kenievil jumpsuits, I went out and I bought some sensible Sansabelt pants with an adjustable waste band. The style's still worn today by some of America's finest bowlers.
Danny gets up and walks to the counter
DJ: Time for plan B. Dad, wouldn't it be great if I never had to weasel money out of you again?
Danny: I like plan B so far.
DJ: I can earn my own money by getting a job! I talked to the
Photographer: down at the mall, and he said that I could be his part time assistant.
Danny: Deej, what about your schoolwork? Your grade in science has been slipping lately.
Kimmy: I give you my personal guarantee that DJ will raise her grade in science!
Danny: Oh the Gibber Guarantee! Oh well, that changes everything!
DJ: Dad c'mon! I'm 14 years old. I'm ready for adult responsibilities.
Danny: Alright, look, if you can keep your grades up, you can take the job.
DJ: Oh thanks, Dad!
Kimmy: Yeah, thanks Mr. T!
Danny: Why are you so happy?
DJ: Well DJ's getting "Blow Outs" and we have the same size feet!
DJ and Kimmy give Danny a kiss on the cheek

We find Jesse in his room playing the guitar. Becky comes in
Becky: Hi Sweetheart.
Jesse: Hi Beautiful.
They kiss
Becky: Listen, my folks called today, and they have this wacky idea that since we're engaged, we should actually set a date and a place for the wedding.
Jesse: Well, just say the magic word.."Graceland"
Becky: Honey, I know it's your dream to get married in that crushed velvet amusement park. But consider all the benefits of a wedding back in my hometown Valentine, Nebraska.
Jesse: Name one.
Becky: It's not Graceland.
Becky and Jesse start arguing, Joey runs in
Joey: Jess! Jess!
Jesse: What?
Joey: Quick, can I borrow your credit card? I'm way over my limit, and the shopping network is offering a special on the Barney Rubble bath collection!
Jesse: No way. You still haven't paid me for that California Raisin Chess Set.
Becky: Joey, I'll buy you the rubble bubble bath.
Joey: You will?
Becky: Yes, but you have to sell Jesse the idea of a wedding in Nebraska.
Joey: Okay, how would I sell Nebraska?
Joey starts acting like an old hillbilly
Joey: Hey, you two kids getting married? Well, consider Nebraska. It's a downright friendly place, with downright friendly folks. Corn's as high as an elephant's eye, and dagnabbit, the sky's not cloudy all day. Picture it Jess, it's gorgeous, just picture it!
Jesse imagines himself in Nebraska
Jesse: Hey goat! You see my fiancee around here?
The goat neighs
Becky comes in on a tractor
Becky: Jesse! Time to get hitched farm boy!
Jesse: Becky you've got me dressed up like a Beverly Hillbilly.
Becky: You look cuter than a hound dog in a hairnet! Ready or not, here I come!
Becky jumps into Jesse's arms
Becky: Hi baby!
Becky's two front teeth are missing
Jesse: Have mercy!
Becky: Plant a big wet one on me Jethrow!
They start kissing, as Jesse stops imagining
Jesse: No way! I'm not getting married on Heehaw!
Jesse checks to see if Becky has her two front teeth
Becky: What are you doing?
Jesse: Just checking. Joseph, explain to my fiancee the virtues of a classy, elegant wedding at Graceland, won't you?
Joey: Okay...classy and elegant.
Joey starts yelling Imagine yourself at Graceland! The luxurious palatial estate of the late great king of rock and roll, Elvis Presley! Where every corner has romance! From the gold plated racquetball course, to the newly Astroturf jungle room! With over 9 zillion dollars! Picture it! Picture it! Picture it!
Becky starts to imagine Graceland
Jesse: Where are ya darlin'? Come out here, baby let me see ya.
Becky comes out
Jesse: Oh yeah, you look like a hunk'a hunk of burnin' bride, baby.
Becky: Jess, are you sure you like my hair like this? I can barely hold my head up.
Jesse: You look prettier than a peanut butter and 'nanner sandwich, Priscilla.
Becky: Jess, my name's Rebecca.
Jesse: Sorry, 'scilla. Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help fallin' in love with you baby.
Becky: Something doesn't feel right about this wedding.
Jesse: Yeah, you're absolutely right, Priscilla. That beehive ain't high enough. Let's jack that baby up a little bit, it's got to be fit for a king, you know what I'm sayin' baby? I think you do.
Becky faints. Becky's stops imagining
Becky: Let's get a few things straight. My name is Rebecca, and I'm not getting married with a hair- do like Marge Simpson!
Jesse: What? Marge Simpson?
Becky: Yes with the whole beehive thing!
Joey: C'mon you guys! Hey, that's enough. Listen, you're getting married real soon so you'd better learn to compromise. Now, call me totally nutty, but why not have a wedding right here where you live, in San Francisco.
Jesse: Well, the kid's got something. I mean this is where we met, and this is where we fell in love.
Becky: Yeah, this is where all our friends are.
Jesse: Let's do it.
Becky: Alright. And let's get married on the most romantic day of the year.
Jesse: Aw, perfect. Elvis' birthday.
Becky: No! Valentine's Day!
Jesse: I love it.
They kiss
Becky: Joey, thank you for all your help.
Joey: You're welcome. Now would somebody please give me a credit card? If I call now, they'll throw in a free Bam Bam Soap on a rope!
Jesse hands him the card
Joey: Thanks Fred! Ahaha!
Joey leaves
Becky: I feel so at peace now that we've finally made this decision.
Jesse: I can't believe we're getting married in 6 weeks.
Becky screams
Becky: 6 weeks!? We have a million things to do! Find a church, hire a hall, buy a dress, pick out invitations, a band, a caterer, cocktail napkins:
Jesse: Becky! Why don't we elope?
Becky: Oh, I don't know. Then we'd need a balcony, a latter, a getaway car, a flashlight!

We find a
Photographer: taking a picture of a little boy
Anthony's mom: Oh c'mon Anthony, smile for Mommy, please?
Anthony shakes his head
Photographer: : Just leave this to us professionals. Oh Happy Helper!
DJ walks in wearing a clown uniform
DJ: Here I am, happy to help!
Photographer: : Go get Anthony to give us a big tot: shot smile!
DJ: Hi Anthony! I'm DJ the Happy Helper. Now why don't you give me a big happy smile for the picture?
Anthony: No!
DJ makes funny faces
Anthony: That's not funny.
DJ: I know what you need.
DJ gets a stuffed toy
DJ: It's Howie the Hippo! Look, Howie can zippo, Howie can flippo! I really feel like a dippo.
Anthony: That's not funny.
DJ: C'mon, I've had a rough week. Now what can I do to make you laugh?
Anthony: Be a duck!
DJ starts acting like a duck, Anthony laughs and his picture is taken
Photographer: : What a beautiful child. Will that be cash or charge?
Anthony's mom: Check.
Kimmy comes in
Kimmy: Oh happy helper!
Kimmy laughs
DJ: Kimmy do you really have to come by everyday and laugh at me?
Kimmy: I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you...only you're not joining in. C'mon, take a break. Those cute guys wanna buy us pizza.
DJ: I don't want anyone cute seeing me like this!
Kimmy: What about after work?
DJ: I have to go home, eat dinner, and then try to stay awake long enough to study for my science test.
Kimmy: Poor kid, you're working like a dog, and dressing like a dweeb. You must really want those "Blow Outs" bad.
DJ: It's more than shoes. I'm trying to be a responsible adult.
Kimmy: Then if I were you, I'd lose the clown suit. C'mon boys.
Kimmy leaves with the two guys

We find Michelle, DJ, and Kimmy in the kitchen
Michelle: Good afternoon, ladies.
Kimmy + DJ: Good afternoon, Michelle.
DJ: Is dad home yet?
Michelle: No, but thank you for asking.
DJ: Well at least I'll stay out of trouble for a few more minutes.
Kimmy: DJ, you don't have to show your dad that science test.
DJ: Yes I do. I promised him that I'd raise my grade, and it knows I'm getting my test back today. So when he sees this
DJ pulls out her science test which has an "F" on it
DJ: I'm dead. The first F of my life.
Michelle: Excuse me, but no elbows on the table.
DJ: When my dad finds out I got this F, he's gonna make me quit my job.
Kimmy: You know, now that I look at it, I don't think you got an F, I believe that you got an A.
Kimmy makes the F look like an A
DJ: Kimmy how could you do that?
Michelle: It's not polite to yell.
DJ: Michelle, I have enough problems without the "polite police" on my tail, so just stay out of this.
Michelle: You forgot to say "please!"
DJ: That's it!
DJ picks up Michelle
Michelle: This is not polite. This is not polite. This is not polite.
DJ puts Michelle in the living room
DJ: Thank you!
Michelle: You're not welcome!
DJ: I have to go to work. You know, Kimmy you really messed me up by giving me that A. Now I can't show it to my dad.
Kimmy: Why not? It's a perfect forgery.
DJ: Kimmy don't you understand? What you did is wrong! It's dishonest, it's deceitful, it really does look like an A.

We find DJ at work acting like a duck to make twin boys smile. Danny, Michelle, and Stephanie enter
Danny: Smile DJ!
Danny takes a picture
DJ: Oh great more humiliation. Excuse me. What are you guys doing here?
Danny: Well we were in the neighbourhood, and I had my camera, and I thought we'd stop by and say hi. Hi!
DJ: Well, thanks for stopping. Bye!
Stephanie: Do you know you have a mop on your head?
DJ: Yes. It's part of my uniform.
Stephanie: Can I borrow your uniform next Halloween?
DJ: Well I should get back to work.
Danny: Well before we go, if I'm not mistaken, and I'm not, wasn't your science test due back today?
DJ: I really should get back to work.
Danny: Oh c'mon, Deej. Tell me how you did. Did you bring your test paper with you?
DJ: Yeah, I'll show you, but there's something I should really tell you.
DJ hands Danny her test
Danny: You got an A? Way to go! This is going right up there on the refrigerator.
DJ: Dad this isn't really what it...
Danny: You know sweetie, I'm a little embarrassed to tell you this but, I had my doubts about you. But you just proved to me that you can hold down a job and actually improve on your schoolwork. I've never been so proud of you. What was is you wanted to tell me?
DJ: Uh, there's a sale on sponges down at Broom Barn.
Photographer: : Oh what beautiful children...can I help you people?
Danny: You're not going to believe this, we had no intention of having any pictures taken, but you're bright young assistant here convinced me to get some shots of my sweet little Michelle over there. What a fine, fine salesperson you have in this young lady.
Photographer: : Okay Happy Helper, start happy helping!
DJ: Okay little girl, you're going to get your picture taken.
Danny: I gotta tell you, that bright young lady in the clown costume, she is fabulous! You oughta give her a raise. What the heck do I know, I've never seen her before in my life.
DJ: Say cheese!
Michelle: You mean say cheese, please.
DJ: Say cheese please.
Michelle: Cheese!
Danny: This is amazing, my sweet little Michelle has never smiled in her entire life!
Michelle starts posing for the camera

We find Stephanie and Michelle in the kitchen. Stephanie has a cupcake
Michelle: Excuse me, can I have that cupcake please?
Stephanie: No you may not.
Michelle: But I was polite and I said please.
Stephanie: I was polite too. I said no you may not.
Michelle slams her badge on the table
Michelle: Guess what!? Politeness week is over!
Michelle steals Stephanie's cupcake
Stephanie: How rude!
Stephanie and Michelle both run out of the kitchen. Jesse enters. He sees DJ's test on the refrigerator
Jesse: Woah!
He holds it up to the light and can tell it's a fake A
Jesse: Woah.
DJ comes downstairs
Jesse: Hey Deej.
DJ: Hi Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: I see you got an A here on your science.
DJ: It was nothing.
Jesse: Let's hear what an A paper sounds like, shall we? "Photosynthesis. Photosynthesis is the process in which photo's are synthesized." Hm, I wonder what an F paper looks like, oh actually, maybe something like this?
Jesse puts his thumb over half of the A making it look like an F
DJ: How did you know?
Jesse: How did I know...you're talking to a guy who used to change 40s to 90s, 0's to 100s. In fact, this is beautiful, one time, I actually got away with changing the word "awful" to "awesome" it was... Point is, it was wrong. It was wrong. And what you did was wrong too, same thing, wrong.
DJ: I know, but Kimmy was the one that changed the grade.
Jesse: Yes, but you didn't do anything about it now did you? So, you know what you have to do with this paper, don't you?
DJ: Keep my mouth shut and do better next time?
Jesse: No.
DJ: Where's dad?
Jesse: He's in the living room, rotating couch cushions.

We find Danny in the living room rotating couch cushions. DJ enters
DJ: Hi Dad.
Danny: Hey Deej. Here's a helpful hint. Always rotate your couch cushions every 25,000 sits.
DJ: Dad we need to talk. You know what I like about you best?
Danny: My charm? My rugged good looks?
DJ: You're forgiving nature.
Danny: What did you do?
DJ: Here it goes. My science grade was an F, and Kimmy changed it to an A.
Danny: I'm just guessing she doesn't have the authority to do this.
DJ: Dad I'm sorry, but with work, and all my other classes, I didn't have time to study for my science test.
Danny: Then you should've come to me and told me what was going on. DJ we had an understanding. You wanted to be a responsible adult, and this is the least responsible thing you could've done.
DJ: I just wanted to prove that I could earn my own money.
Danny: Well that's all out the window now. Because you are going to have to quit your job, and no hanging out at the mall until you pull up that grade.
DJ: Okay, I guess I'll go back to being a kid again.
Danny: Deej, there's nothing wrong with being a kid. You should enjoy it. You've got the rest of your life to be an adult.
DJ: Well I guess if being an adult means wearing a red mop on my head, I can handle being a kid a little longer.
Danny: In case I forgot to mention it, you're a pretty great kid.
DJ: Thanks Dad.
They hug
DJ: Well, I guess this is my first and last pay check.
Danny: Are you gonna use it to help pay for those "Blow Outs"?
DJ: Are you kidding? Pay $160 for shoes? Do you know how much quacking and waddling I had to do to earn this money? It's going in the bank.
Danny: That's good news. Sounds like you're learning the value of a dollar.
DJ: I am, and I appreciate how you're gonna feel when I ask you this. Dad can I have a raise in my allowance?
Danny: You know Deej, back to those couch cushions:...
DJ: Things are really expensive! And prices are going up...
They start talking

***End***

Guest Cast:
Anthony: unknown
Anthony's mom: : unknown
Photographer: : unknown

Script edited by: Amanda
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever