Full House Scripts - Season 4

No Teaser

We find everyone in the basement, watching Jesse & the Rippers perform the song, "Flesh-Tone Love Affair" for a record executive, named Max.
Jesse: (singing) You know, love don't come around 'til after midnight. And the passion rages on until daylight. Well, I feel like I'm in heaven, but I don't think real love is in the air... What we have here is a flesh-tone love affair.
Girl Singer: (singing) Yeah, yeah.
Jesse: (singing) Well I feel like I'm in heaven, but I don't think this union has a prayer. What we have here is a flesh-tone love affair. Gettin' crazy with a flesh-tone love affair. Undercover with a flesh tone love a---
everybody cheers.
Becky: Max, you're the record executive, but in my objective opinion, that was the best song in the history of music.
Stephanie: I hope Jesse and the Rippers have an album out by Christmas. What a great stocking stuffer for my thousands of friends.
DJ: Hey, Steph, why don't we go out and get jobs so we have money to spend on concert tickets, posters, and t-shirts.
Stephanie: I want my Jesse & the Rippers lunch box.
Jesse: Run along, kids. (Stephanie and DJ leave) I don't know where they learned to kiss up like that, but, gosh, I love those shoes.
Max: Well, I thought you guys were great.
Everybody: All right!
Max: Yeah, but my opinion means nothing.
Everybody: Oh.
Max: But I'll give this, uh, demo tape to my boss, and if he likes you guys as much as I do, big things could happen.
Jesse: All right, well, thanks very much.
Max: My pleasure.
Jesse: Appreciate it! And you know what? You look great. You really look good today. Did I tell you that I love those shoes, 'cause I do. I love the shoes. (Max leaves) Ugly shoes!

Stephanie, DJ, Kimmy, Michelle, and Joey are in the kitchen
Michelle: Joey, could you please make a sandwich for Glen?
Joey: Well, sure. Who's Glen?
Michelle: My invisible friend. He's sitting right there. (Michelle points to a chair)
(Danny enters)
Danny: Napkins? (Danny starts to sit on the chair that Michelle says Glen is sitting on)
Michelle: Get up! Get up! Get up!
Danny: Why? What's a matter?
Michelle: You sat on Glen. Please be careful.
Joey: Hey, Danny, that's no way to treat Michelle's imaginary friend. (to Glen) All right Glen. I'll just straighten up your tie, and here, let me adjust your sombrero.
Michelle: Joey, he moved over there.
Joey: Oh. Of course he did.
Michelle: And he's not wearing a "sambrero."
Joey: Well, it looked like "sambero" to me.
Danny: (to Glen) Uh, hi, Glen. How you doing? Nice to meet you. (Danny pretends to shake Glen's hand) Oh-ho-ho. He's got quite a grip.
Kimmy: Speaking of grips, you boys better get one.
Danny: Hey, it's perfectly normal for young children to have imaginary friends. When DJ was a kid, she had an imaginary duck named Norton. (Stephanie and Kimmy laugh)
Stephanie: A duck.
DJ: Hey. Norton was just a phase. I grew out of it.
Danny: That's true. She forgot all about Norton when she made friends with Kimmy. Man, I miss that duck.
Kimmy: You'll be sorry when I'm gone, Mister T.
Danny: How would I know? You never leave!
(telephone rings)
Stephanie: I'll get it. (speaking on the telephone) Hello? Oh, okay. (to DJ) DJ, it's Norton the duck. (to herself) Ha, ha, ha, I quack myself up!
Becky: Steph? Honey, is that for me?
Stephanie: Yeah, its doctor Crane's office.
Becky: Oh, great, it's about time. (speaking on the telephone) Hello? You're kidding! You're kidding! You're kidding! (to everybody) He's kidding. (on the telephone) Well, thank you, thank you, thank you. (Becky hangs up the telephone) Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh... beef jerky, anybody?
Danny: Becky, could I, uh, talk to you for a second, please?
Becky: Well, sure Danny. You know, I also have ranch-flavored. (Becky and Danny go to the front room)
Joey: Hey, I want to come too! (Joey goes to the front room)
DJ: What are we waiting for? Let's eavesdrop!

Joey, Danny, and Becky are in the front room
Danny: Okay, Becky, let's review. You went to the doctor, he called you right back, you said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," and you've been living on beef jerky for the last three days. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what's going on here.
Joey: Yeah, she's obviously iron-deficient.
Danny: And you're obviously brain-deficient. Joey, Rebecca is pregnant.
Joey: Pregnant!
Becky: Shhh!
DJ + Stehanie + Michelle + Kimmy: Pregnant!
Stephanie: Who is pregnant?
Joey: Uh, I am.
Michelle: Way to go, Joey!
Becky: Girls, I'm gonna have a baby.
DJ: Becky, you're gonna have a baby!
Becky: Shhh! Be quiet. Jesse's upstairs, and he still doesn't know.
Joey: Well, I'll tell him. Follow me, everyone.
Becky: Oh, wait a minute. Hold it, hold it. Nobody is saying a word about me being pregnant.
Danny: You know, eventually, he will find out.
Becky: I'm gonna tell him - tonight, over a... a romantic candlelight dinner. So promise me you won't say a word, okay?
Everybody: Sure.
Michelle: Glen wants to know where babies come from.
Joey: Uh, Cleveland.
Danny: Michelle, we talked about how babies come from mommies' tummies.
Michelle: Glen wants to know, will the baby sleep in there?
Danny: Well, the baby sleeps in, kind of, a little cozy water bed.
Michelle: Oh.
Danny: You tell Glen, if he has any more questions, he should ask his invisible parents, okay? Let's go finish lunch. (Everyone but Joey and Becky go into the kitchen)
Joey: Hey, Beck, is something wrong?
Becky: Uh, I'm just a little nervous about how Jesse's gonna take the news. I mean, we've talked about having a baby, but not for a couple of more years.
Joey: I'm sure Jesse is gonna be thrilled.
Becky: I hope so.

we find Danny, Michelle, DJ, Kimmy, and Stephanie in the kitchen. Jesse comes down the stairs...
Jesse: Where's Becky and Joey?
Danny: Oh, they're in there. (Danny points to the front room)
Jesse: Joey, Beck, come in here; I want you guys to all hear this. (Joey and Becky enter from the front room, and Jesse continues) All right, listen. The president of the record company heard my demo, and wants to meet me.
Everybody: That's great! (everybody gets up)
Jesse: See you guys later.
Danny: Jesse, we all just want you to know that we're really, really happy for you.
Jesse: What's goin' on?
Becky: Well, Jess, you better get going. You know, you don't want to be late. (Jesse starts to leave, but Michelle hugs Jesse's leg, and Becky says the following) Uh, Michelle, honey, stay here.
Michelle: But don't you want to tell him?
Becky: Goodbye? Uh, yes I do. Goodbye, sweetheart.
Joey: And, hey, good luck, you manly man, you! (Jesse leaves)
Stephanie: Boy, can we keep a secret, or what? (Becky grimaces)

we find Becky in the attic in front of a candlelight meal, Jesse barges in
Jesse: Beck, you'll never guess what happened.
Becky: Oh, wait, wait. I'm not ready yet. (in a seductive voice) Oh darling, you're home at last.
Jesse: You did all this for me?
Becky: Well, uh, I have really great news for you.
Jesse: I got some great news for you. Get this, the record company said we had this retro, punk, hip-hop, Euro-trash, garage beat. I don't know what the hell it means, but it must be good, 'cause they signed us!
Becky: Oh, honey, that's great! I want to hear all about it over dinner.
Jesse: All right. What are we having?
Becky: I'm glad you asked. Because we are having baby shrimp, baby corn, and baby back ribs.
Jesse: Good, 'cause baby, I'm starved.
Becky: Jess, uh, sweetheart, do you see some sort of theme running through this meal?
Jesse: Oh, there's a theme? Oh, how fun. All right, let me guess. Uh, okay, let me get this. Baby shrimp, all right, baby ribs, baby cor--- honey!
Becky: Hmm...
Jesse: Finger foods! Beautiful; I love it. Very, very clever.
Becky: Yeah, nothing gets by you.
Jesse: Beck, I'm so excited, I can't even believe this! Jesse and the Rippers are going on tour this summer for two months, and get this - this is the best part - our first stop is a state fair opening up for Aerosmith.
Becky: You're gonna open up for Aerosmith?
Jesse: Well, technically, we're opening a few days before Aerosmith gets there, but, why nitpick?
Becky: So you're going away?
Jesse: Yeah, but you're coming with me. I mean, you have vacation time coming up, right? I mean, the timing is perfect.
Becky: What do you mean?
Jesse: Well, I mean, think about it. I mean, we're both young, we have nothing tying us down, no responsibilities - it's party time! I'm too excited; I can't eat. I gotta tell everybody. I love you so much. Oh, wha... what was the good news you had?
Becky: Oh, it can wait.
Jesse: All right. (Jesse leaves)
Becky: We're just having a baby.

we find Michelle, Joey, Danny, DJ, and Stephanie in the front room. Stephanie is drawing a "picture charade," and everyone else is trying to guess what she's drawing...
Stephanie: Ready, guess.
DJ: Cheerio?
Michelle: Big bird!
DJ: Michelle, it's not Big Bird. Um, is it a doughnut?
Stephanie: Yes, it's a doughnut. Next clue.
Michelle: Big bird!
Everybody: It's not Big Bird!
Michelle: Don't have a cow.
Stephanie: That's it; she got it. See, doughnut, half a cow. Don't have a cow.
Michelle: I win; my turn!
DJ: Wonder if Aunt Becky told Uncle Jesse about the baby yet.
Danny: I don't think so, we haven't heard him scream. Man, he's on a roll today. He's having a baby, he might have a record deal, and he's having a great hair day.
Michelle: I'm done; you'll never guess.
Everybody: Big Bird!
Michelle: You guys are good at this.
Jesse comes down the stairs
Jesse: Hey, you guys, I got the greatest news in the world.
Everybody: We know; way to go!
Jesse: I haven't told you yet. Oh, I guess you can tell by my face. I'm beaming.
Joey: We sure can; congratulations on your miracle.
Jesse: Oh, I wouldn't exactly call it a miracle. I mean, it took a lot of hard work. You know, at the risk of being vain, some natural raw talent, too. I mean, you know, I've been practicin' for years. Friends' garages, basements, and listen, when the big night comes, I want you all there with me and Becky, screaming and yelling, and... and holding up lighters, and... and chanting, "Jesse, Jesse, Jesse." What...
Danny: What are you talking about?
Jesse: I'm talking about going on tour with my band; what are you...
Meanwhile, Becky, having come down the stairs, is trying to tell everyone that she hasn't told Jesse about the baby yet. Jesse sees Becky making gestures to everyone...
Becky: Boy, oh boy, is my stomach hungry. Uh, honey, would you mind going into the kitchen and getting a nice chunk of beef jerky? Thank you so much, sweetheart; I don't know what I'd do without you.
Jesse: Uh, are you trying to get rid of me?
Becky: Oh, no, not at all. Now, beat it! (Jesse goes into the kitchen)
DJ: You didn't tell him about the baby yet?
Becky: Well, I started to, but he was so excited about going on tour and not having any responsibilities that I... I chickened out.
Danny: You have to tell him.
Becky: You're right, Danny. I'll just look him straight in the eye and say, "Jess..." (Jesse enters and is right in front of Becky) you want to play picture charade?
Jesse: No.
Becky: Uh, sure you do, of course you do. Course you do. Uh, j... just come right back here honey, and... and have a seat, right over there. Uh, now everybody, this game is just for Jesse, okay?
Joey: All right, Jess, now you just sit right there and pay very close attention.
Becky: (draws cheese) All right. Now, it's a movie title.
Michelle: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Stephanie: No, Michelle, that's cheese.
Jesse: Cheese.
Becky: Yeah, but it's a movie title.
Jesse: Oh, oh, simple. Dances with Cheese.
Becky: No.
Jesse: Uh, uh, all right, all right, uh, uh, Driving Miss Cheesy.
Becky: No!
Jesse: Oh, I got it, I got it, I got it. Home Provolone, right?
Becky: Nest clue.
Jesse: Um, half. Okay, cheese half, cheese ha...
Becky: Oh, okay, great; next clue.
Jesse: Bottle, um, beaker, bottle, vase... (Becky writes the word "ink" on the paper) Ink.
DJ: (sarcastically) Gee, you're good, uncle Jesse.
Jesse: I'm pretty good. Okay, uh, cheese half ink, cheese half ink, she's, she's have..., she's having.
Becky: Yeah! Yes! You got it. Okay, last clue.
Jesse: She's having a... she's having a... she's having a hot dog.
Becky: No!
Jesse: Well, what? It's clearly a bun with a wiener sticking out, with a happy face.
Becky: No, Jess, it's not "she's having a hot dog," it's "she's having a baby." And the 'she' is me. I'm having a baby!
Jesse: Oh, you're having a... do you hear that, she's having a... What? You're having a baby! How did this happen? Well, I know how it happened. Really? Do you know what this means? We're having a baby! I'm going to be a father! (Jesse faints)

Danny and Michelle, in Michelle's room. Danny is reading a bedtime story to Michelle in the rocking chair
Danny: Goodnight stars, goodnight air, goodnight noises everywhere.
Michelle: That was beautiful.
Danny: Thank you. There'll be another performance tomorrow night. Same time, same chair.
Michelle: Me and Glen will be there.
Danny: Honey, let's talk about Glen for a second. You know it's fun to have a Glen, or a pretend duck named Norton, or my best friend when I was a kid, Terry the talking washcloth. But, what is it you like about Glen?
Michelle: He's my friend. My other friends are gone.
Danny: Oh, because preschool just ended. Oh, so that's why Glen just showed up. (Michelle nods yes) Yeah, but don't worry. Next week, you start kiddie camp, and you're gonna meet all kinds of new friends.
Michelle: Really?
Danny: Yeah, really. And if you want to, you can take Glen with you.
Michelle: That's okay; he talks too much. Sorry, Glen. (Jesse enters and watches)
Danny: I love you, Michelle.
Michelle: I love you, daddy.
Danny: (to Jesse) You know, pretty soon, it's going to be your kid saying, "I love you daddy."
Jesse: I can't wait.
Danny: I remember when DJ was born. Pam and I, we looked down at this innocent little baby that we actually brought into the world. And it, it felt like, I don't know, this is why we're here. So, you want to do the honors and tuck Michelle in?
Jesse: Yeah. I could use all the practice I can get.
Danny: Goodnight, honey. (Danny kisses Michelle, and says the following to Jesse) Goodnight.
Jesse: Goodnight. (Danny leaves) Oh, Michelle, Michelle. Your Aunt Becky and I are having a baby. You're gonna have a new cousin.
Michelle: Is it a boy or a girl?
Jesse: Oh, we don't know yet.
Michelle: Then you can name it "Big Bird."
Jesse: I can't believe that I'm gonna be a daddy. You think I'm ready to raise a little kid?
Michelle: You're doing a very good job with me.
Jesse: Thank you. Let me tell you something - I'm going to be the best darn daddy a kid could ever have. And I'm not going to miss one second of little Big Bird's life. Starting right now, I'm not leaving Becky's side.
Michelle: You aren't going away? Goodie!
Jesse: Course I'm not going away, I'm... oh, the band. This is something I've always wanted to do. Go on the road, have a deal with a record company. And I can't let the guys down. I mean, without me, Jesse and the Rippers would be, "and the Rippers." Then again, I... I can't let Becky down; I mean, she's my wife... how do I choose?
Michelle: Easy. Put out your hands and play the Eeny Meeny game.
Jesse: Come on, Michelle, I'm an adult.
Michelle: Do you want my help or not? (Jesse puts out his hands) Eeny, meeny, miney, mo. Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go... You better stay with Big Bird.
Jesse: That's exactly what I was thinking. Michelle, I love our little talks. You always make things seem so simple. Thanks for the advice, shorty.
Michelle: Just doing my job.

we find Becky in the attic, when Jesse walks in. Becky is wearing a pillow underneath her pajamas, looking like she's pregnant...
Jesse: Whoa! This baby thing happened a lot faster than I thought!
Becky: Honey, will you still love me when I look like this?
Jesse: Course. It'll be great, too, 'cause I'll have a place to sit my popcorn when we watch TV.
Becky: Oh, very funny.
Jesse: Yeah. Now listen, uh, I've had some expert advice, and I made a very important decision. I'm canceling the tour and I'm going to stay with you this summer.
Becky: Jess, who did you get this expert advice from?
Jesse: Michelle. She used the Eeny Miney Mo method.
Becky: Honey, that's very sweet, but what are you going to miss in the next eight weeks? Morning sickness, midnight cravings, swollen ankles, mood swings.
Jesse: Hey, look, I don't care. I'm going to be right by your side 24 hours a day. Every time you turn around, I'm gonna be there, helping you, supporting you, whatever you need.
Becky: That's really gonna get on my nerves.
Jesse: Is this a mood swing? Huh, 'cause I'm there for you; watch, see, hey, hi babe, I'm there for you, babe. See how that works?
Becky: Honey, I think it's very sweet that you want to be by my side, but we don't have to stay home. I mean, it's like you said, I have some time off. I could take my vacation, I can go on the road with you, and, and then, I could see you on the weekends too.
Jesse: Well, you can't travel in your condition.
Becky: Yes I can. The doctor said it's perfectly safe for me to travel.
Jesse: Well, how do I know? I've never been pregnant before.
Becky: Well, I'll be fine. Jess, I know how much this tour means to you, and I don't want you to miss it. And that's what this marriage is all about - making each other's dreams come true.
Jesse: Well, you already made the best dream of all come true.
Becky: So, you're, you're really happy about having the baby right now?
Jesse: Well, well, I mean, you know, we didn't plan it, but who cares? Yes, I'm so happy... Thanks for making me be a daddy.
Becky: And thanks for making me a mommy. I love you.
Jesse and Becky kiss each other, and Michelle enters
Michelle: Hello, there's a kid in the room.
Jesse: Michelle, what are you doing awake?
Michelle: I didn't say goodnight to Big Bird.
Becky: Big Bird?
Jesse: It's our baby.
Becky: You named our baby Big Bird?
Jesse: Well, you know, just... just for now, until we find out if it's a boy or a girl, or a nine-foot yellow Muppet.
Michelle: (tapping Becky's stomach) Goodnight, cousin Big Bird; see you soon.
Becky: Get over here. You silly goose. I love you. I love you. (Jesse, Becky, and Michelle hug each other, Michelle giggles...)

***End***

Guest Cast:
Max Dobson: Keyte Farley

Script edited by: Mark J. Saia
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever