Full House Scripts - Season 5

Teaser:

We find Michelle in her room...
Michelle: Hurry up!
Jesse: (Walking in) I'm coming Michelle.
Michelle: (Hiccups) That was a big one.
Jesse: Al right, stay cool Michelle, now the Katsopolis cure for hiccups never ever fails. Now what you got to do is move your arms like a chicken and woogle your eyes like Groucho. (Michelle does as he tells her) Actually this has nothing to do with the cure I was just seeing if you were dopy enough to do it. Al right, now here's the real cure. What you do is take a zip of water. Okay, now what you got to say are the magic words 'Have Mercy'.
Michelle: Have mercy.
Jesse: See that.
Michelle hiccups again...
Jesse: Well, we go to the cure recommended by the New England journal of medicin (He walks behind her and scares her with touching her quickly and saying 'Boo')
Michelle: That wasn't very nice, I'm telling daddy.
Jesse: Oh, come on Michelle I'm just trying to help, don't get me in trouble here. It worked, didn't it ?
Michelle hiccups again
Michelle: Dad!

DJ, Kimmy and Rick are studying in DJ's room
DJ: Okay, Chapter 6, what do we know about Jefferson?
Kimmy: He owns a cleaning store and he's married to Wheezy.
DJ: Don't mind Kimmy she has a seat reserved in summer school.
Kimmy: So, Rick, are you free this weekend? I know DJ's free this weekend.
DJ: Very suttle, Kimmy.
Rick: Well, uh I don't have any plans, but hey you know they're opening a new roller coaster on Saturday night at Thrill Mountain, the Squirminator.
DJ: Well that's this weekend when we're both free.
Kimmy: Yeah, that's not obvious.
Rick: Look, I was thinking that maybe you and I could...
Stephanie: (interrupting) Hey, you must be Rick, the Rick mister, Rickorama, the Rickshaw man, Ricky ticky taffy.
DJ: Um, my annoying sister was just leaving.
Stephanie: No, your adorable little sister was just making herself comfortable. (DJ and Kimmy carry Stephanie outside DJ's room on the chair which Stephanie is sitting on). Uh, hey, wait a minute, moment please, can we talk? Just a... How (door slams in Stephanie's face) Rude!
DJ: So Rick, where were we?
Stephanie: (interrupting)You nutty teenagers are always goofing around. As if you didn't want me in my own room. Ah, haha!
DJ: (to Stephanie)Buh Bye. Um, so Rick we were just talking about Thrill Mountain...
Stephanie: (interrupting)Thrill Mountain! I love Thrill Mountain! Deej, remember the time you threw up on the Wild Weasel?
DJ: (angrily)No!
Stephanie: How could you forget? You were pigging out on corn dogs and they had to stop the ride for 30 minutes to hose it down.
Rick: Well, sounds like uh you're not ready for the Squirminator. I gotta go; I'll see you guys in school tomorrow.
Stephanie: Bye Rickmonster, Rickatoni, Rickory-dickory-dock.
DJ: Stephanie! You ruined everything! Rick was just about to ask me out.
Stephanie: Maybe he'll ask you out tomorrow.
DJ: Oh sure, by tomorrow he'll find someone who can hold their corn dogs. They'll fall in love on the Squirminator, and I'll end up desperate and alone.
Stephanie: You'll never be alone; you'll always have me.
DJ: I don't want you. You are always in my way. I'm getting my own room. You, little sister, are history (going into the hallway).
Stephanie: Come on, the Deejinizer, the Dijon mustard, come on... (following DJ into the hallway).

Back in the kitchen:
Jesse: Hey sweetheart.
Becky: (eating something)Hi Honey.
Jesse: How ya doin'? (giving Becky a kiss).
Becky: Good.
Jesse: How's the little twinsters doing?
Becky: Fine. What did you get me?
Jesse: Well, just what you wanted: salt and vinegar potato chips.
Becky: Oh honey, is that what I asked for? Because I really have a craving for garlic and cheddar chips.
Jesse: Mmm, well, I uh had a feeling you might change your mind especially after the second time you paged me at the market, so I got every chip known to man (pouring out grocery bags). It's the pregnancy variety pack.
Becky: Oh honey, you are so thoughtful. You didn't happen to get any with ridges, did you?
Jesse: Ridges? What's the big deal about ridges? It's, it's like a potato chip that needs to be ironed.
Becky: Honey, those ridges help you scoop up a lot more bean dip.
Jesse: (running to the door) Oh no, the bean dip, I forgot...
Becky: Honey, sweetie, you know what that's okay it doesn't matter, uh we have to set up for our childbirth class right now.
Jesse: Right.
Becky: You can shop for bean dip after class is over.
Jesse: Oh goodie (going to the family room with Becky).
Michelle: (coming to the kitchen from upstairs)Whoa! A million, billion chips and nobody in the kitchen. (Trying to open one of the potato chip bags). Aw nuts, childproof.

In the family room:
Becky: (to Jesse)Move all this furniture back.
Joey: (running down the stairs with Danny)Okay, see you guys.
Danny: Have a good time.
Joey: Have a nice class.
Becky: You guys are welcome to stay for childbirth class. It's really interesting.
Danny: (sarcastically) Oh we'd love to, Becky, but darn our luck we're stuck with these two tickets to the Warriors game.
Joey: (sarcastically) Yeah, those are the breaks. Let's roll buddy. (Danny and Joey leaving for the door).
Danny: Okay, pal.
Lisa: Hi.
Danny and Joey staring at her as she walks in.
Danny and Joey: (still looking at her) Hi.
Becky: Guys, this is Lisa Green. She teaches our childbirth class.
Danny: (Jumping down): Hi Lisa. I'm Danny Tanner your eager student. (Giving the tickets to Joey). Enjoy the game, Joey.
Joey: I'm Joey Gladstone, ex-Warriors fan.
Lisa: Nice meeting you both, but in order to join our class, one of you has to be pregnant.
Joey: Well I have been retaining an awful lot of water lately.
Danny: Funny, actually I'm just taking the class in case Jesse passes out in the delivery room and Becky needs a backup coach.
Joey: And I'll be there to back up Danny when he passes out.
Lisa: Well, okay, you're welcome to stay and observe.
Danny: Well, that's just great because I have a lot of questions about childbirth. Like, for instance, are you and your husband planning any children?
Lisa: Actually, I'm single.
Joey: (in a Daffy Duck voice) Well, what a coincidence, so am I.
Lisa: Daffy Duck!
Danny: No, he just spits when he talks.
Jesse: (sarcastically) It'll be a tough choice for you.
DJ: (running down the stairs) Dad, Uncle Jesse, Joey, may I please see you guys in the kitchen?
Danny: Actually, I'm kind of busy honey. Is it really important?
DJ: Dad, this is my biggest crisis this week.
Danny: Okay, we're coming. Excuse us.

In the kitchen
Michelle: (Comet and Michelle trying to rip the bag apart) These are doggy proof too.
Danny: Michelle. Honey, did you take these potato chips without asking?
Michelle: (pointing to Comet) I told you we would get in trouble.
DJ: Excuse me, if I may have your attention? I would like to make a very important presentation entitled: My Own Room, together we can make it happen. The first point I would like to make is that Stephanie...
Stephanie: (interrupting) Don't listen to her!
DJ: Thank you, Stephanie. You've just illustrated my first point. Interruptions: I cannot talk on the phone, do my homework, or entertain my friends without her...
Stephanie: (interrupting) That's ridiculous! I do not interr...
Danny: Steph, let's hear what DJ has to say; they you'll get your chance to interrupt.
Stephanie: That's all I ask.
DJ: Moving on to my next point, Two Different Worlds: I go to high school, land of maturity; Stephanie and Michelle go to elementary school, tiny town. Now, they share a school, they should share a room.
Stephanie: I object! I happen to be in 4th grade, and have nothing in common with a kindergarten baby like Michelle.
Michelle: Who are you calling a baby? Baby!
DJ: Children, please. To bring up my next point, Strange but True Facts: Stephanie and Michelle are the exact same age as Stephanie and I were when we started sharing a room. Isn't that amazing?
Joey: That is amazing. It's like that thing where Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, and Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. (looking around at everybody).
Jesse: What's amazing is you're able to dress yourself every morning.
DJ: In conclusion, I've paid my dues, and I deserve my own room. If there's any justice in this world, then you'll set me free. Gentlemen, I thank you.
Danny: Okay. Steph, do you have a rebuttal?
Stephanie: No, but you should hear my side of this. Please don't make me live with a 4-year-old baby.
Michelle: I'm not a baby. I'm 4 and three-quarters.
Stephanie: You're still a little shrimp.
Michelle: Stop calling me names! You cheese head!
Danny: Okay, that's enough you two. Just give us guys a second and we're gonna talk this over. (Danny, Joey and Jesse talking in a huddle).
Joey: Can I see chart number 2 again?
Jesse: Get in here...
Danny: Okay, we've come to a decision...
DJ: Dad that's so unfair!
Danny: You haven't even heard what I have to say yet.
DJ: Sorry. Just a habit.
Danny: It just so happens that uh we agree with you.
DJ: You do?
Stephanie: You do?
Danny: Yep. Starting this weekend Michelle is going to move in with Stephanie and DJ, you're going to get your own room.
DJ: Finally, my own room! I have to go tell Kimmy. (Kissing Jesse, Joey and Danny). Thank you, thank you, thank you. (To Stephanie), nice knowin' you kid.
Becky: Hey guys, Lisa needs some help setting up. Any volunteers?
Joey: Hey Danny. (pointing to the stairs and walking into the family room).
Becky: Honey, I'm a little chilly. Could you get my wool socks?
Jesse: Honey, all our winter stuff is up in the crawl space. I'd have to get all dirty and...
Becky: Thank you sweet heart.
Jesse: No problem darling. Two more months, just two more months...
Stephanie: Well, it's just you and me.
Michelle: I don't want to live with you
Stephanie: Why not? You look up to me.
Michelle: That's because I'm short.
Stephanie: Michelle, we're going to be roommates. This should be the happiest day of your life.
Michelle: Read my lips (spitting).
Stephanie: Nobody wants to live with me.

In Stephanie's room
Stephanie: Comet, you don't what it's like to have everyone against you. Well, DJ and Michelle don't want to live with me. I'll just find a place of my own.
Comet barks.
Stephanie: Thanks for the offer, but it might be a little crowded in your doghouse.

In the family room with the childbirth class
Lisa: Breathe in, breathe out.
Danny and Joey: (Breathing in and out and staring at Lisa).
Lisa: Cleansing breath.
oey and Danny: Haaa...
Lisa: Okay, let's all take out our focus objects. Remember, this is what the mothers will be concentrating on during labor.
Jesse: Here you go, babe, focus on the king (holding an Elvis doll).
Becky: Jess, when you give birth, you focus on the king.
Jesse: All right. (Holding a chicken drumstick). Better?
Becky: Much.
Lisa: Our last exercise will be deep breathing with our focus objects.
Danny: Okay, try it again (to Joey). Breathe in, breathe out. Okay, Keep going...(to Lisa). If I seem a little advanced it's because I've already been through 4 births: my 3 daughters and of course my own. You know, seeing my 3 girls being born was the most beautiful experience of my life.
Joey: Yeah, tell me about it. When Fred and Wilma had Pebbles, I cried for a week. Yaba daba doo. (pretending to cry).
Lisa: I love those voices you do.
Danny: You know, uh I do a few cartoon voices myself. (in a cartoon voice). Hey, stop chasing me, you mean cat.
Lisa: That was really good.
Danny: Thanks.
Lisa: Who was that?
Danny: That was Tom. You know the little mouse from Tom and Jerry.
Joey: Tom was the cat, Jerry was the mouse and neither one of them ever talked.
Danny: Get a life!
Lisa: Joey's right, and Jerry is a mouse that never talks. But what is fascinating is that Mickey, he's also a mouse, and he can just talk for hours on any subject.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, like Pluto for instance, I mean this guy's a dog; he wears a dog collar, and lives in a doghouse. Yet Goofy, who's also a dog, drives a car, plays golf and lives in a condo. (in a Goofy cartoon voice). Uh huh, uh huh.
Lisa: That is exactly what I was talking about.
Danny: (looking at Joey and Lisa) You know what, you two are actually perfect for each other. I'm sorry I tried to pick you up. I'll be uh right over here.
Joey: Lis, would you like to go out for pizza sometime?
Lisa: I'd love to go out with you. Just as soon as class is over. (to her class) Class is over!

In the kitchen
Jesse: All right here's a little snack for you (the pregnant wives grabbing the food) Whoa! Ho! Ho! Watch out guys, it's feeding time.
Becky: Mmm, mmm, honey, you know what I just got a craving for, a nice slice of seedless watermelon. (to her pregnant friends). Doesn't that sound good?
Pregnant Women: Yeah, yeah
Jesse: Watermelon's out of season right now. You'd probably have to go to Mexico to get it.
Becky: Well, you've got a car.
Jesse: Heh, heh, do you believe this guys? She'd send me to Mexico to get her seedless watermelon. Do you believe this?
Becky: Wait a minute, wait a minute. We shouldn't have to send them. They should be happy to go. (all her pregnant friends agreeing with her).
Jesse: Whoa, ho, ho. Hold it baby boomers. Now, going to the market and stuff like that's fine, I'd go for that, but leaving the country to get seedless watermelon 'cause you have some kind of wacky craving, that's where I draw the line. (all of the pregnant wives' husbands agreeing). Next thing, you know, she's gonna want Swiss chocolate.
Becky: Oooh, that does sound good. (all the pregnant wives agreeing).
Jesse: I'm not going to Switzerland!
Becky: Jess, you're missing the point. It's not about where you go. It's about you guys being there for us. I mean, okay, so maybe we're a little over emotional and maybe we do get a little demanding, but that's because our hormones are running wild. I mean we're happy, we're sad, we're hot, we're cold, we're huge, and all we want are rigged potato chips and a nice slice of juicy watermelon with a side of Swiss chocolate. Now is that too much to ask, I don't think so! (crying).
Jesse: No, no, sweetheart, I'm sorry. It's not too much to ask. I know the babies depend on you for everything, so you should be able to depend on me. I'm sorry.
Becky: Oh Jess, what's wrong with me? I mean, you're so patient and understanding, and I don't deserve you! (crying again).
Jesse: No, no, you do. You deserve me. She deserves me, right guys?
Pregnant Wives' Husbands: Yeah, yeah.
Jesse: Yeah, now you wanna be my friend.
Becky: I'm going to be normal again someday, right?
Jesse: Heh, heh. I hope so. (grinning).

In Michelle's Room
Michelle: May I help you?
DJ: Just measuring my new room. Kimmy was right; there is enough room for a hot tub.
Michelle: Not so fast, mister. This is still my room.
DJ: Michelle, you heard Dad. You're moving in with Stephanie, and I'm getting this room all to myself.
Michelle: You can stay in your room. Stephanie moved out.
DJ: No she didn't.
Michelle: Yes she did.
DJ: No she didn't.
Michelle: Yes she did.
DJ: Why am I arguing with a four year old?
Michelle: I'm four and three-quarters!
DJ: (looking in Stephanie and DJ's old room) You're right. She's gone.
Michelle: Duh!
DJ: Well, where did she go?
Michelle: Follow me.

In the upstairs bathroom
DJ: Stephanie? (opening the shower curtain and finding Stephanie sitting in the tub like it's a bed).
Stephanie: Did someone forget how to knock?
DJ: Stephanie, what are you doing in here?
Stephanie: I live here. Isn't it cool? I turned the sink into a wet bar, the tub into a waterbed, and I'm thinking of turning the toilet into a love seat.
Danny: (walking into the bathroom and looking around at Stephanie's things there) Is there something you want to tell me?
Michelle: Stephanie lives in the potty now.
Danny: Oh, really. Well, I love what you've done with the place.
Stephanie: Thanks, I've got the cable guy coming Tuesday.
Danny: Honey, why did you move in here?
Stephanie: Because, I've got no place else to go. DJ and Michelle don't want to live with me.
Danny: Girls, I don't like what I'm hearing. Maybe we should just re-think this whole idea of changing rooms.
DJ: No, no, no, no re-thinking. Your original thinking was perfect. Just give me a chance to work this all out.
Danny: Okay Deej. Heck, you've had enough dad talks over the years. I think I've given you enough wisdom to handle this on your own.
DJ: Thanks, Dad.
Danny: I won't even mention how important it is to treat each other with respect...
DJ: I got it.
Danny: Sorry, these dad talks are hard to give up.
DJ: Why don't you say we just skip the speech, go straight to the hugs, and we'll all start packing.
Michelle: No thank you. (Michelle leaving the bathroom).
DJ: Michelle.
Stephanie: Great start, Deej. Dad would be proud. Uh, would you mind closing the door on your way out?
DJ: Steph, come on. I've given you 5 years; give me 5 minutes.
Stephanie: Fine, five minutes. (Stephanie looking at her watch). Ready, go.
DJ: Steph, I know we can work this out. We always work things out.
Stephanie: Yeah, but this time it's personal.
DJ: Steph, we've been through way too much together to throw it all away now. We've laughed, we've cried, we weren't just roommates, we were soul mates.
Stephanie: Very touching. (looking at her watch). 4 minutes.
DJ: Steph, if you stay in here, this could ruin everything. Is this some kind of revenge because I've been such a terrible sister?
Stephanie: No, you've been a great sister, that's why I don't want you to leave. If you go, I'll miss everything: listening in on your phone calls, hearing if you got a date for the weekend, then reading your diary to see how it went.
DJ: Steph, I'll be right down the hall. You can come visit me whenever you want. My door is always open. Unless it's closed, and then you knock.
Stephanie: But it won't be the same.
DJ: No, not exactly the same. You're gonna be the big sister in the room. Michelle's going to look up to you just like you looked up to me, but one thing will never change: I'll always be your big sister, and I'll always love you.
Stephanie: I'll always love you too Deej. (DJ and Stephanie hug).
DJ: Now that we have the old team back together, maybe between the two of us we can outsmart Michelle.
Stephanie: Piece a cake. (DJ and Stephanie leave the bathroom).

In the Hallway
Stephanie: (knocking on Michelle's door) Michelle, can we come in?
Michelle: Whose room is it?
DJ: It's your room.
Michelle: Okay, come in.

In Michelle's Room
Michelle: Welcome to my room.
DJ: Michelle, if you don't move, you're missing out on a wonderful experience. Living with Stephanie was happiest time of my life.
Michelle: Then why don't you keep her.
DJ: Well, um, I've been happy long enough. It's time for you to be happy. This is my gift to you.
Stephanie: Michelle, why don't you want to live with me?
Michelle: Because you called me a kindergarten baby.
Stephanie: I'm sorry. What I meant to say was, you're in kindergarten, baby!
Michelle: Nice try.
Stephanie: Come on, if you live with me, I'll give you a bag of cookies.
Michelle: Okay, I'll live with you.
Stephanie: Really?
Michelle: You're lucky I love cookies.
Stephanie: Well Michelle, now that were living together, I only have one rule: I'm the boss.
Michelle: No, I'm the boss.
Stephanie: No, I'm the boss.
Michelle: No, I'm the boss.
Stephanie: No, I'm in charge.
DJ: Oh, this is beautiful. You two were made for each other. (Stephanie and Michelle leave the room still arguing about who the boss is, while DJ closes the door and says "Yes!").

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Lisa Green: Nancy Valen
Rick: David Lascher