Full House Scripts - Season 5

Teaser:

We find Jesse walking into the old garage with Michelle on his back...
Jesse: Alright, it's finally finished Michelle, my brand new studio. What do you think ? Look at this, I've a 16 track, keyboards, console, oh wait, this drummachine, you're gonna like this, watch (he touches it).Huh, pretty cool, huh ?
Michelle: You got better toys than I do.
Jesse: Alright, to show my appreciation to your dad for let me build this studio down here, I got a great idea, we'll do a song. What song you wanna sing ?
Michelle: Let's sing the spelling song.
Jesse: Alright, spelling song it is. Okay, one, two, one two three for. A-B-C-D...
Michelle: Cut! Not that spelling song, the cool spelling song. (She turns on the drummachine) R-E-S-P-E-C-T...
Jesse: Find out what it means to me.
Michelle: Suck it to me suck it to me suck it to me suck it to me...
Jesse: Hohoho Hold it.
Michelle: Sorry, but I just love those suck-it-to-me's. Suck it to me, suck it to me, suck it to me,
Jesse tickles Michelle, who starts giggling...

Danny is in the kitchen cleaning the cleaning supplies, when Kimmy and DJ walk in:
DJ: Kimmy, you have got to tell me. This is a nightmare!
Danny: What's a nightmare?
DJ: Uh, this whole savings and loan crisis. Why are you hiding behind the counter?
Danny: Oh, I, uh, wasn't hiding; I'm, uh, cleaning my cleaning products.
DJ: Oh yeah, it's Friday.
Kimmy: Boy, Mr. T, you sure know how to kick off a weekend. See ya (Kimmy heads for the backdoor).
DJ: Hey, come back here you. (Grabbing Kimmy's arm and they both go upstairs).

In the upstairs hallway:
DJ: Spill it, Kimmy. Why is everybody talking about me behind my back?
Kimmy: Because they don't have the guts to tell you to your face. Well, gotta go (Kimmy heads downstairs).
DJ: Come back here, you coward. (DJ grabs Kimmy and tells her to come into DJ's room).
In DJ's room:
DJ: Kimmy, start talking.
Kimmy: Uh, I love what you've done with your new room. All you need now is a poster of Patrick Swayze on your ceiling. (Kimmy lies down on DJ's bed). Just kick back and hope that the Scotch tape gives out.
DJ: Kimmy, please, I'm desperate. Look at this card I got from Cathy Santoni (DJ shows Kimmy the card she got).
Kimmy: (reading from the card). "My thoughts are with you during your mega-crisis."
DJ: I can't believe it; I'm having a mega-crisis and I don't know what it is.
Kimmy: Deej, sit down. I guess it's better to hear this from your best friend. The word that's going around is you're the worst kisser in school.
DJ: I am not! Who said that?!
Kimmy: Todd Mitchell.
DJ: Todd Mitchell?! I could kill him. He walked me home from the library, he tried to kiss me, but I didn't want to, so I turned my cheek, and he slobbered all over my ear.
Kimmy: Eww, he doggy kissed you. (Someone knocks on DJ's door).
DJ: Come in. No, wait. (DJ puts Cathy Santoni's card in her drawer and Danny walks in).
Danny: So, honey, how was school today?
Kimmy: Fine, Mr. T, thank you for caring.
Danny: Deej, you seemed a little upset downstairs. I just want you to remember that you can talk to me about anything.
DJ: Well, Dad, there is something I want to say to you.
Danny: (eagerly)Oh, great, great, I'm right here hon.
DJ: Kimmy and I want to be alone.
Danny: Fine. Great. That's, that's a good idea. What's important here is that we've, we've opened up the door for communication. (Danny is starting to leave DJ's room).
DJ: Right, Dad. Bye. (Closing the door with Danny standing in front of it).
Danny: Bye.
DJ: Damage control. This "bad kisser" thing could ruin my social life forever. Just how far has this rumor gone?
Kimmy: Hard to say. I heard it from my algebra teacher.

In Stephanie and Michelle's new room
Stephanie: Living on this side of the room is gonna be so cool. I got the cool window, the cool closet, and the cool mirror to look at my cool self. (Stephanie waves to her reflection in her mirror).
Michelle: I'm cool too. Look at this. (Michelle holds up her Barney the Bear wall hanging).
Stephanie: You're not hanging up Barney the Bear in my room.
Michelle: It's my room too.
Stephanie: Yes, it is, and I have the perfect spot to hang Barney. Right inside the closet, where he can hibernate all winter. (Stephanie puts Barney inside her closet).
Michelle: Hey, is this a trick?
Stephanie: Michelle, bubby, baby, would I trick you?
Michelle: Yes, you would and don't call me bubby. (Michelle gets Barney the Bear out of the closet).
Danny: (walking in) Hey girls. Steph, did you happen to hear DJ mention anything that might be bothering her?
Stephanie: Dad, I live with a kindergarten kid now. The only hot rumors I hear are, who put their mouth on the water fountain?
Michelle: Daddy, could you put Barney over my bed?
Danny: Aww, you bet I can, honey. I will tack him up right over here where nobody can miss him. Talking like Barney the Bear: Oh, careful, Danny, careful, Danny, careful, oh thank you Danny, that was good.
Michelle: Don't you think Barney looks cool?
Danny: (leaving the room)The coolest.
Michelle: I know some tricks too, bubby.

In DJ's room
Danny: (knocking on her door)DJ? (Danny quietly walks over to DJ's sock drawer carrying the laundry basket and begins to read the card from Cathy Santoni).
Michelle: Hi Daddy.
Danny: Michelle! Don't scare daddy like that. Daddy just got a whiplash.
Michelle: What are you doing?
Danny: Oh, I'm just uh, putting away some laundry, honey.
Michelle: But laundry day is Monday.
Danny: Yeah, well I switched it with dusting day. You know, just to keep life exciting.
Michelle: (rolling her eyes back)Ookay.

Jesse, Joey and Beck are in the kitchen:
Jesse: All right, observe very carefully as I screw in this light bulb. (Jesse puts a red light bulb in the walkway leading to his recording studio). Okay, all right, okay?
Becky: I only wish the twins were already born. They'd be so proud of their dad.
Jesse: Very cute, come on this very important. When the red light is on, it means that I am recording and I am not to be disturbed for anything whatsoever.
Joey: What about if Godzilla attacks like in those old Japanese movies? (Joey then makes sounds like a giant lizard). Talking like an actor in a cheap movie: Godzilla is attacking. We must inform Jesse. We can't, the red light is on.
Jesse: You are the mother of all idiots.
Joey: (still talking like an actor in a cheap movie)Your insults have no effect on me. (Joey and Jesse head down into Jesse's recording studio).

Joey and Jesse are in Jesse's recording studio:
Joey: Jess, this is a big moment.
Jesse: I know. First time working in my new studio.
Joey: No, I'm talking about our partnership. You and I were in the ad business together for three years, and now you're committed to your music, I'm going back to my comedy full time. It's the end of an era. I'll miss you, man! (Giving Jesse a hug).
Jesse: Joey, Joey, please, Joseph get a grip, okay? We, we live in the same house, we'll see each other. Now run along upstairs. The red light is on, that means I'm not to be disturbed. Go, go, go, I love, I'll miss you.
Joey: Okay, fine, I can take a hint. I have a very full and busy life of my own. I'll just go upstairs, make some nachos, get ready for a little Yogi Bear. (As Joey turns the door handle to leave, it breaks off). Uh Jess, there's one little problem. This doorknob came off right in my hand.
Jesse: That's impossible. I installed it myself.
Joey: Oh, that explains it.
Jesse: (trying to put the doorknob back)It's stripped. We're locked in here.
Joey: Well, we'll just yell for help. Did you soundproof this room yourself?
Jesse: Yeah.
Joey: Then they'll hear us.

Becky is in the kitchen and Danny walks in from upstairs:
Danny: Hey Becky.
Becky: Hey.
Danny: The guys downstairs?
Becky: Yeah. Oh wait, the red light's on; that means they're recording. (Danny hears Joey and Jesse faint cries for help).
Danny: They're doing the Beatles's song "Help me." Oh man, I could use some help myself. DJ's having a mega-crisis, and she won't talk to me about it.
Becky: Well, if she won't talk to you, how do you know she's having a mega-crisis?
Danny: Oh, I, I, uh kind of sort of saw this card in her sock drawer, when I was putting away the laundry.
Becky: It's not Monday.
Danny: Okay, I was snooping. It's driving me nuts that she won't talk to me. (DJ and Kimmy walk into the kitchen).
DJ: I'll see ya later, Dad. I'm going over to Kimmy's.
Danny: Uh, wait, before you go honey, look uh, I have this feeling that you have this problem and you're not sharing it with me.
DJ: Dad, there's no problem. Kimmy, do I have a problem?
Kimmy: Well, your dad is kind of nosy.
DJ: Look, Dad, I'm fine, really. I gotta run. Bye. (DJ and Kimmy leave).
Danny: Bye. Did you see that? She lied right to my face.
Becky: Well, I hate to get technical, but you lied too. You never mentioned your little raid on her sock drawer.
Danny: What's happening to me and DJ? We used to be so close. Becky, I feel like I'm losing my little girl.

DJ and Kimmy are in the Tanner family room about to leave to go out
DJ: Kimmy we need a plan. We have to get people to stop saying I'm a bad kisser.
Kimmy: I got it. Just make out with every guy in school until they change their mind.
Danny: (coming in from the kitchen)Hey, Deej, wait a second. Um, look, I was just thinking you and I hardly have any time to hang out anymore. Whaddya say we hang out tonight?
DJ: Dad I can't just hang out with you. Kimmy and I have plans.
Danny: To do what?
DJ: To hang out.
Danny: Come on, why don't you hang out with your dad, you know it will be totally a blast, we can go bowling. (Danny pretends to bowl).
Kimmy: Gee, Mr. T, that sounds nifty. Are Wally and the Beave coming too? (Danny looks at her angrily).
Kimmy: Oops, one step too far. Later Deej. (Kimmy leaves).
DJ: Dad, I haven't been bowling since my seventh birthday.
Danny: Yeah, and you loved it.
DJ: Ok, Dad, if it means that much to you, let's go bowling.
Danny: That's my girl (giving DJ a hug). Just let me get my ball, my shoes, my corn protectors, then we're out of here.

In Michelle and Stephanie's room:
Stephanie: (looking suspiciously at Barney the Bear)I can't take it! That thing keeps looking at me!
Michelle: That's because he likes you.
Stephanie: Michelle, here's a fun idea. How would you like to be in the big girls' club?
Michelle: I'm a big girl; I should be in that club.
Stephanie: You're gonna love it; it's got a secret song and everything.
Michelle: Ooh, how does it go?
Stephanie: Um, Stephanie sings and dances: "I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, ya."
Michelle: I like the little dance.
Stephanie: Now, all we have to do to get in the big girls' club, is get rid of all of our baby stuff.
Michelle: Uh oh, you mean Barney don't you?
Stephanie: There's nothing more babyish than a toy bear.
Michelle: Well, okay, nice knowing you, Barney.
Stephanie: I know this is painful, so I'll get rid of Barney for you.
Michelle: And I'll get rid of Mr. Bear for you.
Stephanie: Freeze! Drop the Bear! Now step away slowly.
Michelle: You said no toy bears in the big girls' club.
Stephanie: But Mr. Bear is not a toy. He's a member of the family.
Michelle: So is Barney. He keeps the monsters away.
Stephanie: There are no monsters in here.
Michelle: See, he's doing a good job.
Stephanie: (sighing)Okay, the bears stay.
Michelle: Are we still in the big girls' club?
Stephanie: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Michelle: Yeah! (Singing and dancing): "I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, ya." I can't hear you.
Stephanie and Michelle: (singing and dancing)I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, ya.
Michelle: One more time! (Stephanie and Michelle sing and dance again:) "I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, ya."

In Jesse's studio:
Joey: You know, if we get a running start and crash into that door, we'll break it right down.
Jesse: That'll never work.
Joey: It will if we hit it at the exact same time. That door will pop right open.
Jesse: Well, we got no choice. We gotta both do it together, and it's got to be precise, all right? So, I'll count, we'll go on three. Ready? 1, 2, 3. Go!
Joey: (stopping)Hey, the light!
Jesse: (banging into the door with his shoulder)Aow! What happened to you?
Joey: You left the red light on. No wonder nobody's come downstairs to get us. It's a good thing I caught that.
Becky: (coming into the studio) Hey, guys, lunch is ready. Boy, I thought that red light would never go off. You guys are really working hard. Jess, I'm a very, very, very, proud of you. (Becky lightly punches Jesse in his injured shoulder).
Jesse: (after Becky leaves the studio)Aow!

At the Palace Bowl bowling alley:
Danny: Oh, Deej, isn't this fantastic? You're doing great, honey.
DJ: Dad, all I did was write our names on the score sheet.
Danny: Well, since the last time you bowled, your handwriting has really improved.
DJ: Okay, Dad, you're up.
Danny: Right, now, sweetheart, what I want you to know is the most important part of bowling is getting a good rhythm going. First you do that. (Danny holds the bowling ball and is bending his knees). Then, push off arms back, hop and swoop. (Danny throws the ball). Go baby, go baby, go baby. (Danny knocks over all the pins). Stiirike! All right, the Dan man's still has the touch.
DJ: Dad, we're in public.
Danny: Oh, you know what, this is just great. Why don't we join a father-daughter league, huh?
DJ: Something to think about, very carefully. (DJ gets ready to bowl).
Danny: All right, now remember: push off, arms back, hop and swoop. (DJ throws the ball). Go baby, go baby, go baby (the ball starts going to the side). No baby, no baby, no baby. (The ball misses all the pins). Oh, hey, we'll get them on the next ball, honey. Don't worry about it. That's why I'm here to help you with your problems. Wheatear, they be in bowling, at home, or at school. Any of those pertain to you?
DJ: Dad, for the millionth time, I'm fine. Second shot.
Danny: Okay, now remember, Deej...
DJ: I know: stop, drop and roll.
Danny: No, that's what you do in case of a fire, it might work here though. Go ahead. (DJ bowls the ball). Go baby, go baby, go baby. (DJ knocks over one pin). All right! One big one! High five, low five, on the side.
DJ: Dad, no one does that anymore.
Danny: Oh. Sorry, I just got carried away with all this father-daughter fun. (Danny gets ready to bowl).
Kimmy: (entering the bowling alley where DJ and Danny are)Hey Deej! (Danny drops his ball). The pins are that way, Mr. T.
Danny: What a nice surprise.
Kimmy: DJ, you have to get to the mall right away. (Danny listens in on their conversation).
DJ: Dad, aren't you up?
Danny: Oh right.
Kimmy: Guess who's down at the food court spreading more rumors about you? Todd Mitchell.
DJ: We have to put a stop to this. Hey, Dad, you know this has really been a lot of fun, but do you mind if I go down to the mall with Kimmy?
Danny: Right now? Deej, we're only in the second frame. I paid for ten.
DJ: Well, one of my friends really needs me. Thanks for understanding. (DJ kisses Danny on the cheek). You're the best Dad. I won't be out too late.

In the next lane over (Danny watches on):
little Girl: This is so much fun. Let's join that father-daughter league.
Father: You bet sweetheart.
DJ: Hey, Dad.
Danny: All right, DJ, you're back!
DJ: Can I borrow ten bucks?
Danny: Sure (giving her the money). Here you go.
DJ: Thanks, high five. (Danny looks back at the next lane over again).
little Girl: Daddy, Daddy, I got a strike!
Father: That's my girl!
little Girl: I love you, Daddy!

Back at the house with Danny looking at a photo of DJ when she was younger:
DJ: (walking in)Hi Dad.
Danny: Hi Deej. Was, uh, everything all right at the mall?
DJ: Yeah, fine.
Danny: Uh, Deej, don't you think we should talk?
DJ: Okay, so how did you bowl?
Danny: No, not about that. I mean, what's going on with you. I know you're having some kind of problem.
DJ: Dad, give me a break; it's no big deal.
Danny: Hey, since when's a mega-crisis nothing.
DJ: Mega-crisis?! Where did you get that?
Danny: Oh, I, uh, don't know. It just kind of popped into my head just now.
DJ: You mean, you just popped into my sock drawer and went through my personal property. How could you do that?!
Danny: Deej, it was an accident. I was putting away your laundry.
DJ: It's not Monday. You were spying on me, and you know it.
Danny: What was I supposed to do? You wouldn't even talk to me.
DJ: Maybe, it was none of your business. What's next, are you going to bug my phone?! (DJ runs upstairs).
Danny: (following DJ upstairs)Hey, I don't like that tone, young lady!
DJ: Well, I don't like you invading my privacy.
Danny: I'm your father; I'll invade Normandy if I want to.
DJ: Look, just stay out of my sock drawer and stay out of my life.
Danny: You get back here right now DJ.
DJ: I can't wait to get out of this house.
Danny: Hold it right there. I'm not through talking to you.
DJ: Well, I'm through listening.

In DJ's room:
DJ: (after Danny barges in)See, you don't even knock! You have no respect for my personal space!
Danny: Don't you dare tell me about respect! You're yelling at me, and slamming doors. What happened to my sweet little girl?
DJ: Don't you get it! I'm not your little girl anymore!
Danny: Oh, okay.
DJ: I'm sorry.
Danny: I'm sorry too.
DJ: Dad, I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I just meant that I'm growing up. I don't need to come to you with every little problem.
Danny: Why not? You used to tell me everything.
DJ: That's when I was a kid. When you were my age, did you go tell your parents everything?
Danny: No, they were old. They were my age.
DJ: Look, dad, if there's some serious problem that I can't handle, I'm going to come to you. Just like I always did.
Danny: Then I'll be here for you, Deej.
DJ: I know you will Dad. I love you.
Danny: I love you too. (Hugging DJ). You know, I'm sorry. I should have never read that card. Besides, switching laundry day threw off my whole cleaning schedule.
DJ: Okay, so, you really wanna know about my mega-crisis?
Danny: Hey, I don't want to pry. I'm dying to know.
DJ: Well, see, I got this rep as the worst kisser in the school.
Danny: Oh, thank God.
DJ: Dad, that is not a good thing!
Danny: Oh, right. That's bad, right.
DJ: You see, I never even kissed this guy, but he started spreading this ugly rumor. So Kimmy and I tracked him down at the mall. Kimmy got him in a headlock, and I threatened him with a squirt bottle of mustard until he told everybody the truth.
Danny: (laughing)Well, you did the right thing. You know, those stubborn mustard stains are murder to get out. Deej, I know you're kind of busy right now, but wouldn't it be nice if we could both set aside some time just to hang out with each other once in a while?
DJ: Sure dad. Let's go get some frozen yogurt. My treat. Do you mind if I drive? I'm going to get my learner's permit in a couple of months.
Danny: Oh, man, it never ends. (Danny and DJ are leaving DJ's room). I'll tell you what, I'll drive, you can work the radio. Okay?

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Little Girl: Megan Parlen
Father: Brian Kale