Full House Scripts - Season 5

No Teaser

We enter the living room where Michelle's friends and DJ are waiting for the party to begin
DJ: Ok Kids are we ready to start Michelle's 5th birthday party?
Kids: YEAHHH!!
DJ: Wait a minute. This a Flintstone's cave man party. Cave people never say yeah. They say Ooga, ooga!"
Teddy: How do you know they say "Ooga, ooga?"
DJ: Because I'm Wilma Flinstone, I was there. Now if we all shout "Ooga, ooga," I bet we can get the rest of my Bedrock buddies to show up.
Kids: Ooga, ooga!
Joey and Stephanie enter living room dressed as Barney and Betty
Joey: (In voice of Barney) Ooga, ooga, everybody I'm Barney and this is Betty. We're the Rubbles.
Stephanie: And now to meet the world's only house broken dinosaur, Dino!
Danny enters living room dressed as Dino
Danny: Boom shaka-laka-laka, boom shaka-laka-laka. BOOM!
Teddy: (Takes a bite of chip, which drops to the floor) What kind of dunosaur are you?
Danny: I'm a Tidy-o-saurus. Please Kids whatever you do, try to keep the cave floor clean. (Leans over to pick up chip, but can't reach) Wilma! Will you help me my arms haven't evolved yet.
DJ: Ooga, ooga, Dino.You know, Dad the Kids really love the props you got to borrow from the station.
Danny: Aw, Deej it was really sweet of you to dress up and play along.
DJ: Well when I get my driver's license I have 2 words for you. Red porche. (Smiles)
Danny: And I have 2 words for you. Bus pass.
Joey: Ok are we ready to bring out our favorite 5-year-old cave babe Michelle Pebbles Tanner?
Kids: Ooga, ooga!
Michelle enters living room dressed as Pebbles with Comet
Michelle: This is Comet, my pet stegasauras.
Teddy: That's not a stegasauras, that's a golden retreiver.
Michelle: You got a bad attitude.

We now enter attic where Jesse comes out of closet dressed like Fred
Jesse: I wouldn't do this for anyone but Michelle. (Bangs on bathroom door) WILMAA!!
Becky: (From inside bathroom) I am not Wilma.
Jesse: Just practicing.
Becky: (Walks out of bathroom) Jess, I think it's time.
Jesse: I know. Put on your little suit you'd make a great preg-o-sauras.
Becky: No I mean I think it's time to have the babies.
Jesse: (Turns around looking shocked) No!
Becky: I think so.
Jesse: Get out of here!
Becky: I really do.
Jesse: No!
Becky: I think so.
Jesse: Get out of here!
Becky: Jess, get a grip. It's happening. You know that indigestion I've been having?
Jesse: Yeah it's from Joey's Cocoa Puff omlets, I got it too.
Becky: Well, my pains of indigestion are now coming 10 minutes apart.
Jesse: Oh, so are mine.
Becky: Jess, it's not indigestion. I know it's three weeks early, but I'm going into labor.
Jesse: What am I going into?
Becky: I don't know maybe your having sympathy pains.
Jesse: Oh, no no honey we aren't ready to have the Kids yet. I haven't finished building the nursery, I haven't picked out the names, I haven't practiced the hospital drill, so you can't possibly be going into labor because I'm not ready yet!
Becky: Well ready or not here they come.
Jesse: Have mercy! (Kisses Becky) Oh honey we got to get to the hospital. Oh oh. I am not going to be one of those jerk husbands who go all crazy because their wife's going into labor. I'm going to be calm, cool, and collected because hey babe, I'm there for you. I'll pack. (Goes into closet and seconds later, he comes back out with whole clothes rack in hand) Ready!
Becky: Honey. We're having a baby not going to Europe.
Jesse: You're right we gotta lose something. (Picks up 2 dresses) Ok. Which do you like best the blue silk or say the black rhimestone.
Becky: Uh, for childbirth? The blue silk.
Jesse: See that is what I would have gone for, the blue silk.
Becky: Jess, honey, I've been packed for six months, so let's just go.
Jesse: Ok. Here we go.
(Both walk downstairs)

We now enter living room where the Kids are using sticks to bang on Danny with
Danny: Ok Kids we have had enough fun haven't we? Ok quit. That's enough I mean it!
Banging stops
Joey: (Still in Barney voice) Sorry Dino. I guess a dinosaur hunt wasn't a hot idea after all, huh?
Becky and Jesse come downstairs
Jesse: Ok everybody this is it. Becky's ready to have the twins.
Michelle: At my party? This is cooler than Chuckie Cheese!
Jesse: We got to get to the hospital.
Kimmy enters the house
Kimmy: Hey look, a dork-o-sauras!
DJ: Becky's having her twins.
Kimmy: Oh I can help. My hamster just had triplets.
Everyone except Michelle and her friends leave
Michelle: There is nobody here but us Kids?
Teddy: That could never happen!
Michelle: It's true we're all alone. AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Kids + Michelle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Teddy: Let's eat birthday cake!
All run for cake
Michelle: FREEZE!!! First I need to make a wish and blow out my candles.
All walk to cake
Michelle: Is anybody allowed to use matches?
Kids: Nooooooo.
Michelle: Me either I have to pretend. (Blows on candles)
Teddy: Enough already. Cut the cake.
Michelle: Is anybody allowed to use knifes?
Kids: Nooooooo.
Teddy: I'll cut the cake. I take karate. HIIYA!! (Slams arm into cake)
Michelle: Let's pig out!
All dig into cake as Joey, Stephanie, and DJ run back into house
DJ: We're too late.
Joey: (Voice back to normal) Sorry, Michelle with all the new baby excitement I completely forgot about you and your friends.
Michelle: That's ok. Have some cake.

We now enter the hospital with Becky and Jesse
Jesse: Ok people coming through, woman in labor here. Move, move, move!
Becky: Jess, why don't you just stick a sign on my back that says "Wide Load?"
Jesse: Well you're three weeks early, I didn't have time to make a sign. Excuse me we need some service here! A wheelchair maybe! (To man pushing wheelchair) Hey look Doogie Houser! (Takes wheelchair)
Becky: (sitting down) Forgive him, he's just basically lost it.
Jesse: (To woman behind counter) Excuse me! Excuse me!
Admitting Clerk: Well, how long have you been walking errect?
Jesse: Very funny. Listen I'm having twins here. Could you call bellhop or something?
Admitting Clerk: Would you like a poolside room? Or an ocean view?
Jesse: (To Becky) Honey would you like a poolside room or ocean view?
Becky: Jess, she was kidding.
Jesse: I knew that.
Admitting Clerk: Fill out these forms, I mean, would you care to register?
Danny and Kimmy enter hospital
Danny: Sorry I'm late. I had trouble getting my tail through the revolving door.
Kimmy: Mr. T, people are staring. Lose the lizard suit.
Danny: Why should I? I look fabulous in lavendar. I'm really getting into this character. (To Jesse) The truth is, I'm not weaing any pants.
Kimmy: You're not wearing any pants? Gross!
Danny: Kimmy, do me a favor. Call home and tell them everything is fine.
Kimmy: You got a quarter?
Danny: (glaring) Where would I keep it? Just call collect and tell them to please bring some pants.
Kimmy: Right. Bring pants. (Loudly to women sitting down) Because he's not wearing any!
Women giggle
Admitting Clerk: Would Puff the Magic Dragon like a hospital gown?
Danny: Actually I would love one. And the name is Dino.
Admitting Clerk: Come with me.
A doctor comes up to Becky
Doctor: Hi Rebecca.
Becky: Oh hi, doctor.
Doctor: Your birthing room is all ready. How you doing?
Becky: Fine. The contractions are 7 minutes apart.
Doctor: Good.
Jesse: You know mine are every time I breathe.
Doctor: What do you mean?
Jesse: (Points to Becky) Well she says I'm having sympathy pains, but would I have them right around this black spot? (Points to a black spot on his costume)
Doctor: Do you mind if I take a look? (Walks over to Jesse and presses to the side of the lower part of his stomach)
Jesse: OW!
Doctor: Jesse I'm afraid you may need your appendix out.
Jesse: Now!?
Becky: What!?
Jesse: No I can't have my appendix out, I'm going into labor!
Doctor: Go see Dr. Larkin. (To another doctor) Orderly, I need a wheelchair to Dr. Larkin.
Jesse: No I am staying right here with my wife.
Becky: Honey that's real sweet of you, but you're going to do what the doctor says. (To Doctor) How serious is this?
Doctor: It is hard to say, but it's something we need to take care of now. (To Jesse) Have a seat, Jesse.
Jesse: I don't believe this.
While he is sitting down, Danny comes running down the hall
Danny: Jesse are you ok?
Jesse: Oh sure. I just figured, heck while I'm here, I might as well have my appendix taken out.
Danny: Can't you just let Becky have the babies? You are so competitive.
Jesse: You think I wanted this to happen now? (Stands up and to doctor) Listen if I have to go into surgery, will I be back in time to help my wife?
Doctor: There is no way of knowing. You need to sit down.
Jesse: Listen, Danny if I am not back out in time will you help coach Becky through the childbirth?
Danny: Aw, Jess, I'd love to. I've been through this 3 times before. I could do this with one hand behind my back, which I may have to to keep this gown closed. (Stands there with gown open in back, and with the women staring he notices and closes it)
Jesse: (To Becky) Now listen I will be back as soon as I can. So try and wait as long as you can to have the twins.
Becky: I'll do my best.
Jesse: I'm sorry, Beck. You know there is no place in the world that I would rather be than right here with you. I love you. (Jesse leans over and kisses Becky)
Becky: I love you, too. (Wheelchairs roll away in different directions) Hurry back, honey.
Jesse: Wait for me.
Admitting Clerk: (To Danny) Nice buns.
Danny closes gown quickly

We now are back in the living room with Joey, Michelle and friends, DJ, and Stehpanie
Joey: Ok Kids all your parents are on their way. We have to get to the hospital before the babies are born so let's wait for your parents out on the porch!
All walk to door
Michelle: Move it people the party's over.
Teddy: But you never opened your presents.
Michelle: Hold it people the party's back on.
All walk away from door
Joey: Ok Kids we're going to play a new game. It's called "Open the Present You Brought as Fast as You Can."
Teddy: How do you play?
Joey: Well "Open the Present You Brought as Fast as You Can" hence the name, open the present you brought as fast as you can.
Teddy: I think I get it now.
Joey: Ok stand in a straight line. (Kids stand in straight line) Now on your mark get set... open the present you brought as fast as you can!
Kids rip open presents as Michelle gets more excited
Stephanie: Ok hold them out so Michelle can see what she got.
Kids hold out presents
Michelle: (Points at each one by one) Love it, love it, love it, like it, love it, like it, that looks bigger on TV.
DJ: And that officially ends the party.
Stephanie: Please place your presents gently on the floor and proceed to the nearest exit. Have a nice day and don't forget, buckle up.
Kids walk to door
Michelle: Thanks for the presents and thanks for coming.

We now enter Becky's room where she and Danny are suffering another contraction
Becky: (Breathing heavily) Whoo whoo, hee, whoo whoo, hee (continues)
Danny: (singing to rhythm of breathing) We will, we will, rock you.(to Becky) Sing it!
Becky: (Continues breathing heavily and looks at Danny strangely) Whoo whoo, hee!
Danny: Sorry. Just keep breathing, Becky. We're are almost through this one.
Becky stops breathing when there is a knock on the door
Joey: (outside the door) Are you ready for us yet?
Becky: Come on in everybody.
Joey, Stephanie, DJ, and Michelle enter room
Michelle: Did you have the twins yet?
Becky: No not yet.
Michelle: What is taking them so long?
Stephanie: Maybe they can't decide which one should come out first.
DJ: Well it could take a while. According to my biology teacher, a woman can be in labor for days.
Becky whines
Joey: Where's Jess?
Danny: As it turns out his stomachache was really appendicidis.
DJ: Is he going to be alright?
Danny: He will be fine, he just has to have an appadectamy.
Kimmy enters the room
Kimmy: Hey everybody, great news!
Becky: Kimmy, is Jesse ok?
Kimmy: I don't know. I got lost. But I did find Luke. This really cute guy with 2 broken arms. so I vollunteered to spoon-feed him his JELL-O
DJ: Is uncle Jesse going to miss the babies being born?
Becky: Oh I hope not. I really want him to be here.
Danny: Oh don't you worry, Becky because either way he will get to see the birth.
Danny walks over to door
Danny: (opens door) Come on in guys.
Two men walk into room with camera
Becky: Danny, what is this?
Danny: Becky, it's your own camera crew. You know Mark and Eppie.
Becky: I know who they are, what are they doing in my room?
Danny: Don't you remember when you announced that you were pregnant on "Wake Up, San Francisco?" You promised all our viewers that we would get to see the whole thing on tape.
Becky: Yeah, that was when I was thin, my hair was done, and I wasn't sweating.
Danny: That's not sweat, that's a mother's glow. (Takes microphone from one of the men). Come on let's do a quick little intro before your next contraction. (Walks over to bed)
Becky: Danny I am not going to do this!
Danny: We're rolling.
Becky: (Looks into camera) Hi I'm Rebecca Donaldson and I'm in labor.
Danny: Right now we are in Rebecca's very hospital room where she is about to give birth to twins. (Becky smiles fakely) And I am here to give you the play-by-play as we watch in amazement the miracle of life.
Becky: Well Danny about that miracle. It's kind of private which I will be happy to talk to you about when I return to the show. But until then, this Rebbeca Donaldson saying, "Get out of my room."

A few hours later in Becky's room
Becky: (Breathing heavily) Hee hee hee, whoo, hee hee hee, whoo
Doctor: You're doing great, Rebecca. It won't be long now.
Becky: (Stops breathing heavily and breathes sofltly) Ok. That one is over.
Danny: (Tiredly) Boy Becky. That was the toughest contraction yet.
Becky: Gee Danny. Maybe you should lie down.
Danny: Oh no, Becky. We've made this far, I am going to go all the way. Sponge.
Becky sponges Danny's forehead, as Joey walks into the room
Joey: Jesse's out of surgery.
Becky: Is he ok?
Joey: Surgery went fine.
Jesse is rolled into room
Becky: Oh Jesse! You made just when I need you.
Jesse: (Looks around confused) This is a pretty room.
Joey: He's still a little groggy from the anesthesia.
Danny: Jess, I just want you to know that you should be proud of Becky. She's doing a really great job.
Jesse: Hey I know you. You're uh...
Danny: Danny.
Jesse: No that's not it.
Joey: You guys need us for anything else?
Doctor: No. We'll take it from here.
Becky: (To Danny) Hey. You've been a really great coach. Thanks.
Danny: Anytime.
Jesse: (To Danny) Thank you, Donny.
Danny: Close enough.
Danny and Joey leave
Becky: Oh Jess. I'm so glad you made it in time.
Jesse: Time for what?
Becky: (Angrily) The birth of our babies!
Jesse: Oh that's right. You're having my baby. (Sings) What a lovely way of saying how much you love me!
Becky: Jess, just hold my hand.
Jesse: Won't your husband Donny be jealous?
Becky: Jess you're my husband!
Jesse: I got a wife and a baby in the same day. Radical!
Doctor: Ok Rebecca here comes another contraction. We are going to push on this one. Ready? Deep breath and....Push!
Becky squeezes Jesse's hand as she pushes
Becky: AAAAAAAA!!!!!
Jesse: (In pain from Becky's squeezing) WHOA! WHOA!(sings)what a lovely way of saying How much you love me!(Looks at almost born baby) WHOAA!! (Falls back on pillow)
Becky: SHUT UP!!

Sometime later, in Becky's hospital room with new babies
Jesse: Beck, I'm so proud of you.
Becky: Oh honey look at what we brought into this world.
Jesse: Thank you for giving me 2 healthy beautiful boys. Hey bub. I am your daddy.
Becky: And I am your mommy.
The baby smiles
Jesse: Look at him smile.
Becky: I love you. Thank you for making this the happiest day of my life.
Jesse: Becky, can you believe it? We're parents.
Becky: How we doing so far, Dad?
Jesse: I think they dig us. Hey look at that they got your little nose.
Becky: And they got your cute smile.
Jesse: How did they end up with Fred Mertz' hair?
Danny sticks his head in room
Danny: You guys feel up for some visitors?
Becky: Sure come on in.
All enter room
Everybody: Oohhhhhhhhh!
Becky and Jesse wave babies' hands to the family
Joey: (In high pitched voice) Hi little baby boys! My name is Joey and I am going to teach you how to do archery, bowling, ice hockey, race car...
Jesse: Joey, Joey! They justed learned how to open their eyes!
Joey: Ok than we'll just play peek-a-boo!
Danny: Hi guys. I'm your uncle Danny. I don't do any funny voices, but thanks to me, your diapers are going to smell April fresh.
Kimmy: What are their names?
Becky: Well we each got to pick a name. So I picked Alexander after my high school teacher that gave me the inspiration to go into journalism.
Jesse: And I picked Nicholas after my father who gave me great hair. (To baby) You hear that baldy, grow, grow!
DJ: They look exactly alike. How you going to tell them apart?
Stephanie: You could put a drop of red nail polish on one of their backs. That's what I did with my turtles.
Michelle: Your babies are very cute. You get 2 thumbs up! (Sticks her thumbs in the air)
Becky: Thank you, Michelle.
Michelle: They're so little, they could where my dolls clothes.
Jesse: Hey back off shorty, they're boys.
Becky: Michelle we're really sorry we had to cut your party short.
Michelle: It's cool.
Jesse: But Michelle just think. Now you get to share your birthday with the twins.
Michelle: Is that a good thing?
Jesse: Well you get 3 birthday cakes.
Michelle: That's a VERY good thing. (Starts singing) Happy birthday to you...
All join
Everybody: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Michelle, Alex, and Nicky. Happy birthday to you.

***End***

Guest Cast:
Teddy: Tahj Mohwry
Doctor (Dr. Sinclair): Wendy Cutler
Admitting Clerk: May-May

Script edited by: Jesse
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever