Full House Scripts - Season 5

Teaser Missing

In the Tanner kitchen, Jesse and Becky are feeding Nicky and Alex
Jesse: Okay, let's see, it's Friday, right? That means I clean the baby bottles and you clean the baby bottoms.
Jesse gives Nicky to Becky as Joey walks in the room
Joey: Hey, there's my two biggest fans. (imitating Bullwinkle) Boy, Rock, I gotta get more sleep. I'm seeing double.
Nicky starts laughing, while Alex remains silent
Joey: Aw, would you look at that? I got 'em laughing again.
Becky: Look, Joey, don't get too excited. They crack up at anything.
Jesse: Yeah, yesterday I blew my nose, they busted a gut.
Michelle: I'll make them laugh. (imitating Bullwinkle) Hello, I'm Michelle Winkle.
Nicky and Alex are silent
Michelle: (imitating Bullwinkle) I said I'm Michelle Winkle, get it?
Nicky and Alex are still silent
Michelle: (normal voice) Hey, what's your problem? This is funny stuff.
Becky: Don't worry, sweetie, I think they're just tired. Come on, boys, you need your beauty sleep.
Jesse: You mean their ruggedly handsome sleep.
Becky: Oh yeah, right. "Ruggedly handsome".
Jesse and Becky take Nicky and Alex upstairs as Michelle sits down at the kitchen table
Michelle: (to Joey) I want to be funny like you.
Joey: No problem at all, Michelle. Welcome to Joey Gladstone's Comedy College. You'll have those babies laughing so hard there won't be a dry diaper in the house.
Joey does a power laugh and Michelle tries to imitate it
Joey: Hey, not a bad power laugh. A little more power, less laugh.
Joey and Michelle try it again
Joey: Hey, not bad.
Joey and Michelle try the power laugh one more time as they walk out the back door
Joey: There you
Joey and Michelle close the door behind them as Danny, DJ and Stephanie walk down the stairs
Stephanie: Come on, Dad. Please take me to your show today. I gotta meet Tommy Page. Maybe he'll autograph his picture.
unfolds a poster of Tommy Page
Danny: Sweetheart, I'll try to get him to sign it for you, but you cannot cut school just because some rock star is on my show.
Stephanie: He's not just any rock star. His poster is hanging over my bed. He's the last thing I see before I fall asleep...except for the inside of my eyelids.
DJ: This is so cute, Stephanie's first childhood crush. You know, I had the same thing with George Michael, until his earrings got bigger than mine.
Stephanie: I am not a child. Today is my 10th birthday. The big 1-0. Dad, I can't believe you wouldn't let your own daughter meet her all-time favorite singer in the universe on her birthday. And I thought you loved me.
DJ: (clapping) Great guilt trip.
Stephanie: Thanks. (to Danny) Did it work?
Danny: No.
Stephanie: I'm losing my touch.
Danny: OK, get out of here and have fun at school.
Danny kisses Stephanie and she walks out the door
DJ: You know, Dad, that was pretty cold. I mean, it is her birthday and she does worship the guy.
Danny: OK, look, I'm going to tell you something but you gotta keep it a secret. I told Tommy what a big fan Stephanie is, and he agreed to stop by her birthday party after school.
DJ: Dad, Stephanie's going to go nuts!
Danny: I know. Am I the raddest, baddest dad a kid ever had?
DJ: You were until you said that.
DJ walks out the door

later that day, at Stephanie's birthday party, dance music is playing in the background as Becky walks in and sets some snacks on the table. Jesse walks in carrying two bowls of snacks. The music stops and all the party guests start cheering
Joey: (over the microphone) Yo yo yo, this is Joey Joe Badstone at Stephanie Tanner's 10th birthday party pumping out the jams and jamming out the pumps, you know what I'm saying?
dead silence
Joey: Yeah, neither do I. All right, everybody party.
the music resumes and everybody starts dancing again as Jesse whispers something to Joey
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, none of the boys will dance.
Jesse: All right, I'll help you out here. (walks over to the boys) All right, fellas, listen up. I realize you guys might be a little shy around women. You know, you're wondering if you're overmoussed, underdeodorized. I know how you feel.
Boy at Party: You mean you were shy around girls?
Jesse: What am I, a dork? No, go ask them to dance.
the boys go "eww" as Jesse walks over to the girls
Jesse: Girls, all right, it's ladies' choice. Pick your favorite guy and go for it.
all the girls mob Jesse
Jesse: Not me, the little ones.
the girls go "eww" as they return to dancing

as Stephanie leads the girls in a dance, the scene moves to the kitchen where DJ and Kimmy walk in the back door
Kimmy: Where's Tommy Page? Tell him his love slave is ready to fulfill his every wish!
Danny: DJ, why did you tell Kimmy?
DJ: Because I tell Kimmy everything.
Danny: OK, tell her to go home.
Kimmy: No can do, Mr. T. I saw Tommy's limo outside. Now where are you hiding that hunkalicious boy toy?
Danny: He's waiting downstairs.
Kimmy starts running downstairs
Danny: Freeze, Gibbler! I need him in one piece. Now look, right now, I want the two of you to go out there and tell Jesse and Joey that we're ready, all right? And Kimmy, please don't do anything to embarrass her.
Kimmy: I'll be a perfect lady...until I see Tommy. Then you'll have to hose me down.
DJ and Kimmy walk out as Danny calls out Tommy

meanwhile, back at the party, the guests are still dancing as DJ and Kimmy walk in
DJ: Joey, he's ready.
Jesse walks over to the other corner of the room as Danny enters and the music turns off
Danny: (over the microphone) All right, everybody please move back. Stephanie, please have a seat right here, honey. (Stephanie sits down in the chair at the center of the room) Sweetheart, this is my special gift from me to you.
Jesse starts playing a ballad intro on the piano, when who should walk into the room but...
Stephanie: Tommy Page!!!
Kimmy dashes in at Tommy, but DJ restrains her
Tommy: (singing)

Yes I understand that you're not ready for me in your life
But do you understand that leaving you is going to cut my heart just like a knife?
Though our roads may take us separate places somewhere down the line
I'll be waiting for you patiently, hoping that someday
You'll be mine

Stephanie
You mean everything to me
You're what dreams are made of
You're the girl I love
Stephanie

How I wish that I could hold you
In my arms forever
For eternity
Stephanie
Oh, Stephanie

Tommy hums the final note as the other party guests applaud him
Tommy: Happy birthday, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Thanks.
Danny: Happy birthday, sweetheart.
Danny and Stephanie hug
Stephanie: Dad, he's the best birthday present ever! Can I keep him?
Kimmy: Deej, you can let go now. I'll be cool. (DJ let's go) Tommy!
Kimmy runs at Tommy and jumps into his arms
Tommy: Hello.
Kimmy: Hi, I'm Stephanie's best friend Kimmy Gibbler. Can I have your autograph? Just sign it, "To Kimmy, the woman of my dreams".
Danny: Kimmy, he writes music, not science fiction.
Tommy: It's no problem. Where do you want me to sign it?
Kimmy: Here, autograph my shoe.
Kimmy takes her shoe off as everyone groans in disgust
Danny: OK, that's enough.
Danny and Joey take Kimmy out of the party
Kimmy: Wait a minute, he didn't sign it yet!
Stephanie: Tommy, I have never seen that woman before in my life. Thanks so much for coming. Would you sign my CD?
Tommy: You're the birthday girl.
Stephanie: Thanks. Be right back. Don't move. (to the other guests) Watch him until I get back.
the other party guests mob Tommy as Stephanie goes upstairs
Tommy: Hey Jess, thanks for your help on the piano, man. It really sounded great.
Jesse: My pleasure. Thank you. You know, I dabble in music myself there, Tom. You may have heard of my band, Jesse and the Rippers?
Tommy: Yeah, didn't you play in Seattle this summer?
Jesse: Yes, we did. We played a little club near the university over there, yeah.
Tommy: Cool. I was playing at the Kingdome.
Jesse: That's nice if you're into big stadiums and a lot of money. I prefer small intimate places where I can split a pizza with my audience.
Becky: If you'll excuse us.
Jesse and Becky head upstairs
Michelle: Hi, Tommy. My name is Michelle.
Tommy: Well, hi, Michelle. It's really nice to meet you.
Michelle: My birthday's in November. Start working on my song.
Tommy: (laughing) You're funny.
Michelle: I'm in Comedy College. (imitates Joey's power laugh)
Michelle walks away as DJ walks over to Tommy
DJ: Hi, I'm Stephanie's sister DJ Is this your first time in San Francisco?
Tommy: Yeah, but I haven't really had a chance to see anything yet.
DJ: You should go down to Chinatown and Fisherman's Wharf.
Tommy: Well, maybe you could show me around tomorrow?
DJ: Me? I'd love to!
Stephanie returns with her CD
Stephanie: I'm back, I'm back, I'm back, I'm back. Sorry I took so long.
DJ: Whoa, Steph, how many gallons of perfume did you put on?
Stephanie: I just put on one little dab...on every inch of my body. (gives Tommy the CD) Could you sign this? I'll treasure it forever.
Tommy: Sure. (writing) "To Stephanie. Love, Tommy." There you go.
Tommy gives the CD back to Stephanie and kisses her. Stephanie falls backwards into DJ's arms. DJ sets her down on a chair

the next day, while Tommy and DJ are touring San Francisco...
Stephanie: Which sounds better, Comet: Mrs. Tommy Page, Stephanie Page, Stephanie Tanner-Page, or Mrs. Stephanie Judith Tanner-Page?
Comet rolls over
Stephanie: No, Comet, you don't get a belly rub until we decide what's going on these wedding invitations.
Tommy and DJ walk in the back door
DJ: Hey, thanks for a great day, Tommy. I never ate tacos in a limo before. Actually, I've never been in a limo before.
Tommy: Yeah, I kind of figured that out when you went to go sit up in the front seat with the chauffeur. Hey, listen, do you want to come to my concert tonight? I can get you a backstage pass.
DJ: Yeah, that would be great.
Tommy: Great. Well, I gotta go downstairs. Jesse's waiting for me. I promised Stephanie I'd make her a tape of that song.
DJ: Well, thanks for a really great day.
Tommy kisses DJ
Tommy: I'll see you later.
DJ: (whispering) Yes!
Stephanie runs up to her room crying

meanwhile, in the attic, Joey walks in with a box
Joey: Nicky, Alex, get ready to laugh, because here comes the first graduate of Joey Gladstone's Comedy College, Michelle "Shecky" Tanner.
Michelle pops up from behind the couch with headgear that looks like an arrow went though her head
Michelle: Boy, do I got a headache! (imitates Joey's power laugh)
Nicky and Alex are silent
Michelle: Maybe you didn't see this arrow in my head.
Nicky and Alex are still silent
Michelle: Joey, I'm dying out here.
Joey: Well, Michelle, maybe you should just go to your big finish.
Michelle: Do I have to do this?
Joey: Mm-hmm. Everybody knows a pie in the face is the oldest joke in the book. But we also know that it always gets a laugh.
Michelle: OK, let me have it.
Joey: OK, are you ready?
Michelle: I'm ready.
Michelle shoves the pie into Joey's face, Nicky starts laughing
Michelle: I did it! I'm funny!
Joey: Michelle, I'm supposed to throw the pie in your face.
Michelle: This was funnier.
Joey: Just for that, you get a big sloppy kiss.
Michelle runs out of the room as Joey chases her, Stephanie walks in
Joey: Hi, Steph.
Stephanie: Aunt Becky, can we talk, woman to woman?
Becky: Sure, but I thought you'd be downstairs listening to Tommy record your song.
Stephanie: This is more important. What would you do if another woman stole Uncle Jesse from you?
Becky: Well, sweetheart, that would never happen because your uncle Jesse and I have a loving and committed relationship based on mutual trust and respect. Pff, she'd never know what hit her.
Stephanie: Got it, Aunt Becky. She's toast.
Becky: Wait, is this about a boy at your party?
Stephanie: Well, yeah, sort of. He really liked me, but another woman stole my man right out from under my nose! The scuzz queen.
Becky: You're kidding. So who is this scuzz queen?
Stephanie: Well, she was like a sister to me. But not anymore. I'm going to win him back!
Becky: Well, Steph, there's nothing wrong with letting him know why you're the one he should be with.
Stephanie: Right, and if that doesn't work, she's toast.

scene moves down to the kitchen where DJ is waiting atop the stairs for the red light to go off. Kimmy barges in
Kimmy: I know he's here. Where did you stash him?
DJ: Tommy's downstairs in the studio recording. But I can't go down until the red light's off.
Kimmy: All right, Tanner, I want details. What happened with you and Tommy?
DJ: Before or after he kissed me?
Kimmy: No! You were lip wrestling with the stud puppy? I am so happy for you! Now... (applies lipstick) Mind if I take a crack at him?
DJ: Yes, I mind. He's not running a kissing booth. We're starting a real relationship.
Kimmy: Hey, it was worth a shot. Well, good luck, Deej. When that red light goes off, it's a green light for love.
Kimmy walks out

Meanwhile, downstairs, Tommy is recording his song
Tommy: (singing) Oh, Stephanie, Hmmmm..
the song finishes out as Jesse turns off the recording device
Jesse: Good job. Come on out.
Tommy exits the recording booth
Jesse: That was really nice of you to write that song for Stephanie.
Tommy: Thanks, but you know, I gotta be honest. I didn't really write it for Stephanie. I wrote it for my girlfriend Melanie. I just changed all the Melanies to Stephanies.
Jesse: Do me a favor. Don't mention that to Stephanie. (turns off the red light)
Tommy: Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Melanie.
DJ comes downstairs
DJ: I just happened to see the red light go off. Not that I was waiting for the red light to go off because I do have a life, but since the red light did go off, I just thought I come down and see why it went off. Oh, hi, Tommy!
Jesse: Hi, DJ
Stephanie comes downstairs
Stephanie: Oh, hi, Tommy!
Jesse: Oh, hi, Stephanie. That's right, I'm the invisible uncle, I forgot. Listen, I'm going to get something to drink. What do you want, Tommy?
DJ and Stephanie: Iced tea, lemon, no sugar.
DJ and Stephanie look at each other as Tommy nods at Jesse
Jesse: I mention the word Tommy, and bada bing, I'm back in the room.
Stephanie: I got the party pictures back. Here's a nice one of us, suitable for framing.
DJ: Steph, don't you have something to do?
Stephanie: Don't you worry your pretty little pointed head about me.
DJ: Steph, I really don't think Tommy wants to look at pictures of a 10-year-old's birthday party.
Tommy: No, that's OK.
Stephanie: No, DJ's right. You'd probably rather look at pictures of her.
DJ: What pictures?
Stephanie: Here's one of DJ when she had the mumps. Doesn't she remind you of Mr. Potato Head?
Tommy laughs at the picture as DJ snatches it away
DJ: Give me that.
Stephanie: Here's my favorite: DJ's first bath.
DJ snatches the picture away
DJ: You're dead.
Stephanie: In this one, you can see the little rash on her fanny.
DJ snatches the picture away
DJ: That's it! Excuse us, but I would like to have a little chat with my sister.
Stephanie: No, that's OK. I don't really feel like chatting.
DJ: I do. Now.
Stephanie: Don't worry, Tommy. I'll be right back.
DJ: No, she won't. I promise.

upstairs in the kitchen...
DJ: Stephanie, how could you do this to me?
Stephanie: What about what you did to me, you backstabbing, boyfriend-stealing traitor?
DJ: What?! You thought Tommy was your boyfriend? You're dreaming.
Stephanie: He was too my boyfriend!
Jesse: All right, girls...
Stephanie: And he's going to dump you and come back to me after he finds out you drool in your sleep.
DJ: I do not!
Stephanie: Yes, you do, and I have the picture to prove it.
Jesse: Girls...
DJ: Where did you get that?
Stephanie: You didn't know I took this, did you? I knew it would come in handy.
DJ starts chasing Stephanie
DJ: Give me that, you little worm!
Jesse joins in the chase
Jesse: Girls. Girls!
the chase moves into the living room where Danny and Joey are coming down the stairs
Joey: What's this all about?
Danny: I don't know, but there they go.
Danny and Joey join in the chase as they wind up back in the kitchen and the adults finally break it up between DJ and Stephanie
Danny: Jesse, what is going on here?
Jesse: Next time you bring a star home, try Angela Lansbury.
DJ: Stephanie thinks Tommy is her boyfriend and she's showing him embarrassing pictures of me.
Stephanie: He was too my boyfriend until you stole him!
DJ: You're insane!
Stephanie: I am not insane! He signed my CD "Love, Tommy".
Joey: He signed my CD "Love, Tommy".
Stephanie: But he wrote a special song just for me, and he kissed me. I love him and he loves me!
Danny: Look, Steph, I know you feel really strongly about this, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I don't think this is really love. I think it's just a crush.
DJ: Yeah, Steph, face reality. Tommy was just being nice. He's not in love with you. He's in love with me.
Danny, Jesse, and Joey: What?
Danny: When did this happen? You just met him.
DJ: I know we only spent a couple hours together, and it's true we haven't talked about commitment yet, but I think it's getting pretty serious.
Danny: Remember that nice little talk we just had with Stephanie? Well, right about now, I think we're going to have that talk with you.
DJ: Dad, Stephanie is a child. I am a woman.
Tommy comes upstairs
Tommy: Is it safe for me to come up yet?
DJ: Tommy, would you please straighten everybody out about what's going on between us?
Tommy: Well, DJ and I had a really fun day, and I hope that we can be good friends.
DJ: Friends? You mean just friends?
Tommy: Yeah. I'm sorry if you misunderstood.
Stephanie: (pushing DJ aside) Well, now that she's out of the way, I guess it's just you and me, Thomas.
Tommy: Stephanie, I want to be friends with you too.
Stephanie: You mean friends? Like you're just friends with DJ?
Tommy: Uh-huh.
Stephanie: But you wrote "Love, Tommy" on my CD.
Tommy: I always write "Love, Tommy." Sometimes I'll even forget and I'll write it for a guy.
Joey: Yeah, you gotta watch that.
Tommy: Look, I didn't mean to cause any trouble. I hope you'll still come to my concert tonight, OK? I gotta go. It's nice meeting you all.
Tommy goes down the line of adults shaking their hands
Jesse: Nice meeting you, Tommy.
Danny: Tommy, thanks for this night.
Joey: Thanks a lot, Tommy.
Michelle shows up in the doorway
Michelle: Tommy, are you leaving?
Tommy: Yeah, but it was really great meeting you, Michelle. (kisses Michelle)
Michelle: Wow, you are such a babe!
Tommy: Thanks. Goodbye.
Michelle: I'm going to marry him.
Danny: Oh man, it never ends.

scene moves to Stephanie and Michelle's room, where Stephanie is lying on her bed thinking about stuff. DJ walks in
Stephanie: Can I help you?
DJ: Well, I thought if I'm miserable and you're miserable, we might as well be miserable together.
Stephanie: Sit. Be miserable.
DJ sits down in the chair next to Stephanie's bed
DJ: I was so dumb. I was so sure he liked me.
Stephanie: At least you didn't make up wedding invitations.
DJ: You know what the weirdest part is? Everything Dad, Joey, and Uncle Jesse said was right. I hate when that happens.
Stephanie: If this was just a crush, I don't know if I can take it when I really fall in love. What's that going to feel like?
DJ: I don't know. I don't think I've ever really been in love before, but I hear it's pretty intense.
Stephanie: I hear the same thing.
DJ: You know what I just realized? (she moves besides Stephanie on her bed) I am sitting here talking to you about love and boys. Steph, you're really growing up.
Stephanie: I must be, because ever since I turned 10, life got so complicated.
DJ: Well, one day, we're going to be dating like crazy, and I want you to know that I will never, ever steal one of your boyfriends. Because guys are going to come and guys are going to go, but you and I will be sisters forever.
Stephanie: Sisters forever.
DJ and Stephanie hug
DJ: And I want every one of those embarrassing pictures back.
Stephanie: You got it.
DJ: And the negatives.
Stephanie: We'll talk.
DJ leaves the room as Stephanie plays Tommy's tape

***End***

Guest Cast:
Tommy Page: Himself
Boy at Party: Scott MacKenzie

Script edited by: Chris Flemmer
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever