Full House Scripts - Season 5

No Teaser

(Danny, Stephanie, and Michelle are at a Honeybee Meeting)
Everybody: (Singing) I pledge my love and loyalty...to all the hives and every bee....our motto is and ever was "Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz"
Stephanie: Please "bee" seated. Girls, as you know in my youth I was a honeybee, now I'm not the kind of person who likes to brag, but my hive voted me queen bee and retired my antennas.
Michelle: Sounds like bragging to me.
Danny: Okay all you honeybees it is time right now to welcome into the hive a new honey of a bee, Michelle Tanner!
They all buzz
Danny: "Pleeeezz" save all your buzzing for the end. Okay, it is time right now for me to present to you Michelle the official honeybee sash. You know honey I can't believe you're my last baby bee. You know, I've put 3 bees through the hive. I don't mean to drone on but, who better to drone with than a bunch of bees huh?
Girl stares at him
Michelle: Daddy, my sash.
Danny: Oh, right...sorry. Excuse your antennae. There ya go.
He puts the sash on her
Michelle: How come I don't have any badges?
Stephanie: Because you have to earn them by doing projects. You know, I had so many badges, I had to wear two sashes! In fact, I earned a badge for earning the most badges!
Michelle: Somebody's bragging again.

The studio, Jesse and Joey are working on a song for the "Ranger Joe Show"
Jesse: (singing) Oh Lumberjack Jess, and Ranger Joe friends forever wherever they go, through thick in thin they'll never part, one has hair the other has heart. (Stop singing) What do you think?
Joey: You're fired.
Jesse: What? Fir: ? Oh heh..I get it you want your name first. You're such a baby. (singing) Oh Ranger Joe...
Joey: Uh, Jess Jess...forget about the music, you're still fired.
Jesse: What?
Joey: There's been some big budget cuts down at the station and they decided you're out. I almost said to him "Hey! If he goes, I go!" But, I really like it there.
Jesse: You're really firing me? I'm fired? Fire him! Get rid of the woodchuck! Look, I'll do the dumb jokes, I'll wear the stupid outfit, I'll do anything but sit on your hand.
Joey: Jess look, I don't know how to break it to you but, we don't pay him a salary...he's a puppet.
Jesse: What am I doing? I'm begging to be on a kiddie show. I'm jealous of a buck tooth beaver. This wasn't my dream to be on a kiddie show...you know what this is a sign. I'm gonna put all my energy right back into my music. I just heard of this new label, Fat Fish Music, I'm gonna put a great demo together and give it to them right away. You know what Joey, you actually did me a favor.
Joey: Hey, my pleasure, if I had known you'd be so happy I would've fired you weeks ago.

Kitchen, everything is in Spain decor.
DJ: Muy bien, Comet.
Kimmy: Boy Deej, you sure are going to a lot of "mucho" trouble.
DJ: Well, I have to get my dad in the mood. I can't just say "Dad, I'm going to Spain" he worried when I say "Dad, I'm going to the mailbox."
Kimmy: My parents were really excited when I told them about Spain. They already bought me on one way ticket.
DJ goes to the stairs
DJ: Okay everybody you can come down now!
Everyone comes down
DJ: Hola mi familia!
Kimmy: She said "Hello my family"
Danny: Woah..Que Pasa?
Kimmy: He said "Woah, what's happening?"
DJ: Yo cocine una comida espanol especial para nosotros.
Kimmy: She either said "Dinner's Ready" or "It's time to clip your nose hairs"
Danny: Okay Deej, what do you want? How much is it gonna cost me? And why is the dog wearing a hat?
DJ: Well there's a summer study program in Barcelona.
Danny: No.
DJ: I'll get to live with a Spanish family.
Danny: No.
DJ: I'll get to study the language and expand my horizons!
Danny: No.
DJ: Doesn't that sound exciting?
Danny: No!
DJ: So you're not saying that I'm not allowed to not go right?
Danny: What'd you just say?
DJ: I don't know I just wanted to get you off that "no" thing.
Danny: Look Deej, this is a big decision I need some time to think about it.
DJ: Dad please! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Kimmy: Don't worry Mr. T. I'll be with her every minute as we sample the art, the music, the tango.
She puts on music and starts to dance with Danny
Kimmy: C'mon Mr. T! We wanna see the world!
Danny: Alright Kimmy...let's start with the back yard. Adios.
She leaves
Joey: Ole!
DJ: Look, why don't we just sit down for dinner. I'm serving Paella.
Danny: Ohh muy bueno.
Becky: Muy bueno.
Michelle: Who's ready for dessert?
Stephanie: Michelle's trying to earn her first honeybee badge for cooking.
Michelle: You gotta taste it!
Danny: Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to have dessert as an appetizer.
Michelle: I call it Michelle's Pudding Surprise!
Becky: Oh sounds delicious! What's the surprise?
Joey's face is disgusted
Joey: I think it's cheese.
Michelle: Surprise!
DJ: Michelle you put cheese in the pudding?
Michelle: Velveeta, and that's not all!
Danny: Mmm....Olives.
Michelle: Don't you like it?
Everybody: Oh..it's very good..
Michelle: Then how come nobody's swallowing?
Everyone forces themselves to swallow
Jesse enters
Jesse: Hey everybody. Oh, fiesta cool!
Becky: How'd it go at the record company?
Jesse: So far so good, I mean at least they heard of me. They're gonna listen to my tape and get back to be. Let me tell you guys something, I have a feeling something good is gonna happen.
He takes a spoonful of Michelle's pudding then spits it out
Jesse: And that's not it! That was awful!
Danny: Michelle cooked it.
Michelle: I was trying to get my honeybee badge.
Jesse: Oh I didn't say awful! No no, I said awfully good...boy that's awfully good, you know what in fact I'm gonna have some more.. here we go.
Takes another spoonful and makes a disgusted face
Jesse: Velveeta? And uh....Olives is it?
Michelle: You can stop eating, I know you don't like it.
Jesse: You know what Michelle, we'll give to...we'll give it to Comet! Comet will like it, he likes anything! Here you go Comet.
Comet sniffs it then covers his face
Michelle: I guess it needed more olives!

Attic, reading to Nicky and Alex
Becky: Oh, can you see the bunny's tail?
Jesse: Can you feel it? It's soft...soft like your big jelly belly! Give me that thing. (He blows on his stomach)
The baby pulls his hair
Jesse: Ow, ow the hair...let go of the hair. I know you're jealous. Hey, give me that..give me give me that! Becky what color is that hair?
Becky: It's uh...(she coughs gray)
Jesse: What?
Becky: Well..uh it's a light shade of black resembling the color gray.
Jesse: I have gray hair?
Becky: Well, just a couple of them.
Jesse: What? What? (He puts the baby down) Here you go...How can I have gray hair? I'm only 29 I can't have gray hair..... He looks in the mirror) Oh...yank em! Yank em! Yank em!
Becky: Ok, but they say for every gray hair you pluck, two more grow in its place.
Jesse: Drop that hair.
Becky: Jesse relax...so you have a couple of gray hairs. At least you still have your hair.
Jesse: Yeah but for how long? I feel it receding..you know what? I'm feeling it in my sleep. I know how to check for this! I know how to check: (He gets up and grabs a measuring tape) Oh my God, it's moved 4 millimeters north. Beck, I'm gonna have one of those foreheads that start at my eyebrows and go all the way to the back of my neck.
Phone rings
Jesse: See? Words out. It's probably the hair club for men. (He picks it up) Talk to me. Oh sure I'll hold. (To Becky) It's David Jannolari from Fat Fish Music. (Back into the phone) Yes, Mr. Jannolari, hello. Uh huh..oh...well, thanks for crushing my dream so fast. Alright, it's okay. (He hangs up)
Becky: Aw honey, I'm sorry.
Jesse: They said they like my music, they like the sound, they like the look...they just don't hear a hit single.
Becky: Jess look, I know it's disappointing, but you can't let it get you down. You know what I have an idea. How about tomorrow you, me and the boys spend the day together. Come down to the studio ok? The Beach Boys are gonna be on the show. C'mon, they're your friends!
Jesse: I don't wanna be around the Beach Boys. They had hit records when they were 18. I'm almost 30 I got nothing.
Becky: Jess, life is not a contest. Honey things happen when they're supposed to.
Jesse: Well time's running out...and so is my hair. It's so frustrating...I mean, what happens if I never make it in the music business?

Kitchen
DJ: C'mon Dad the suspense is killing me! Can I go to Spain with Kimmy or not? I know when you're trying to make a decision that could change the entire course of my life the last thing you wanna be is pushed, so won't catch me pushing you. No sir, no pushing here.
Danny: Deej.
DJ: I know, I'm pushing. I'm backing off.
Danny: Look, sweetheart, I just gotta think about this a little more.
Danny leaves. Becky comes rushing in
Becky: Deej, have you seen your Uncle Jesse?
DJ: He's upstairs.
Becky: Oh great! (Yelling) Jess! Come on down!
Jesse: (from upstairs) I'm kind of busy!
Becky: Jess this is really important! Come down now! Deej, Uncle Jesse is gonna flip! Mike and Bruce from the Beach Boys are here!
They both scream
Becky: I promised them some good old fashioned home cooking. Quick, call Chicken On Wheels!
DJ goes to the phone and Becky goes to the door
Becky: Come on in you guys!
They enter
Mike: Hey, when do we eat?
DJ: 30 minutes or less.
Becky: Hah! She's a kidder! Jess!
Jesse comes downstairs with hair coloring in his hair
Jesse: What Becky, what is so important?
Becky points to Bruce and Mike
Jesse: Oh ho ho! The Beach Boys!
Mike: Oh ho ho! Ms. Clairol!
Jesse: Dr. Love..and Bruce! How are you? And I got my hair all...hehehe...(To Becky) Thanks for the warning.
Becky: Well how did I know you'd be dying your hair? Why are you dying your hair?
Jesse: Cause I'm worth it.
Becky: Well honey, Mike and Bruce came over because they heard you had a new studio and they'd like to jam.
Jesse: Cool!
Mike: And eat Becky's home cooking.
Jesse: Becky can cook?
She hits him
Jesse: I mean, boy..when she cooks, look out! Hey that's cool, you guys wanna play, I'll call the guys they'll be over in ten minutes. You know, it's good too because it'll give me time to comb out and rinse, otherwise...I'll streak.

Studio, Jesse is singing "Forever" with the Beach Boys.
Joey: Guys, that was totally excellent!
Michelle: Totally!
Mike: Let's eat!
Jesse: That song is so cool, I sang that song to Becky at our wedding. I bet if I had a song like Forever, Fat Fish music would sign us like that!
Bruce: You want it, you got it! Leon, please pass the coleslaw.
Jesse: You mean it? We can record "Forever"?
Mike: Sure as long as Becky keeps cooking up food like this.
Becky: Oh, well I'll give you the phone number: : I mean recipe!
Jesse: Oh this is cool, I mean it'd be great if we did that. I mean, normally we record stuff that we write, but quite frankly, who's buying it? You know what? Elvis never recorded anything he wrote.
Mike: I wonder what it would be like if Elvis had done a Beach Boys song?
Jesse: (In Elvis voice) If everybody had an ocean..across the USA.
Mike: Scary.
They grab their guitars
Mike: How about like this, though? (Sings) If everybody had an ocean, across the USA, then everybody'd be surfin', like California...You say you want in the back end, wear Archie sandals too...her bushy bushy blonde hair do....Surfin USA.

Kitchen
Jesse: Hey munchkin..give me a good luck kiss. I got this great version of "Forever" that I cut with the Beach Boys, I'm taking it down to Fat Fish records, I'm telling you, they gonna love this baby.
Michelle: Will you taste my new recipe?
Jesse: Well, that sounds tempting. You know what, I'll take just a tiny sample, just give me a little sample.
She gives him a taste, his face is disgusted
Jesse: Interesting. What is it?
Michelle: Tuna Cream!
Jesse: So that would be tuna and...
Michelle: Oreo Ice Cream!
Jesse spits out food
Michelle: I'll never get my cooking badge.
Jesse: C'mon, I don't wanna hear that kind of talk. I mean, Tuna Cream may not be one of the 31 flavors, but you gotta have perseverance.
Michelle: Persawhat!?
Jesse: Perseverance...it means you never give up, you keep on trying. I mean, look at your Uncle J, I've been plugging away at this music business for 10 years. Writing songs, taking goofy gigs...you know why? Because I will do anything to keep my dream alive.
The next few skits show him playing Elvis, advertising with Joey, The Mr. Egghead show, volunteering at Michelle's class, playing Vulture at the Smash Club, singing Glowworm at the Airport
Jesse: See what I mean Michelle?
Michelle: You were desperate!
Jesse: Yeah, but I never gave up, you know why? Cause I got...what?
Michelle: Perseverance!
Jesse: Right on Munchkin! Alright, let me give you a little tip, you like pudding you like cheese, so you put em together. You like ice cream, you like tuna, again...you put em together. Stop putting things together! You gotta lose the combo deal. Just try one thing try something simple.
Michelle: Thanks Uncle Jesse I love you.
Jesse: I know. I love you too.
Michelle: I know.
Jesse leaves, Michelle smells her Tuna Cream
Michelle: What was I thinking? It needs olives!

Living room, DJ, Kimmy and Danny are talking about Spain
DJ: C'mon Dad! The suspense is killing me! Can I go to Spain with Kimmy or not?
Danny: I've been thinking about Spain, you gotta understand this is a big decision. It's a decision that I've been wrestling with all day, and if you know anything about wrestling which I do because I was dorm champ in 145 pound class. I was really wirey back then, too. They used to call me the Human Pipecleaner.
Kimmy: Forget it, Deej. You're not going.
DJ: Not necessarily, sometimes when he rambles it's good news.
Kimmy: How would you know? He never gets to the news!
DJ: Kimmy don't be rude! He might change his mind!
Kimmy: We don't know what he's gonna say...maybe we want him to change his mind!
DJ: Maybe he hasn't made up his mind!
Danny: Maybe you want me to lose my mind!
DJ: Dad I can't take it anymore! Just tell me either way.
Danny: Okay...You promise you'll write me every day?
DJ: Of course! I'll bring stationary, pens: : I'm going!? You're letting me go!? Thank you!
Kimmy: Good decision Mr. T. She already told the school yes.
DJ: Well, I said yes unless my Dad says no.
Stephanie, Becky, Joey, and the twins enter with popsicles
Stephanie: Okay, follow me. O.J's on a stick! Get them while they're cold!
Danny: Oh thank you sweetie.
Becky: Okay boys, are you ready to taste your first popsicle? Ohh that's good huh? Happy tongue!
Joey: Fruity, sophisticated yet mischievous...and best of all, it comes on a stick!
Stephanie: You mean it? You really like em?
Everybody: Yeah...these are very good.
Stephanie: Well guess what? The incredibly talented chef who made O.J's on a stick, is our very own Michelle Elizabeth Tanner!
Michelle runs in
Michelle: I did it I can cook!
Danny: Congratulations, honey...you're gonna get your first Honeybee badge!
Michelle: Thank you. I may open a restaurant.
Jesse and David Jannolari enter
Jesse: Hey everybody! This is David Jannolari from Fat Fish Music.
David: Hey.
Everybody: Hey, how you doing?
David: Hey a real family! Cool.
Jesse: Hehe..this guy has the best ear in the music business.
Stephanie: That's strange. Yesterday you said he wouldn't know good music if it bit him on the...
Jesse quickly covers her mouth
Jesse: Kids...don't ya love em? Listen, you guys aren't gonna believe this. That's why I brought David over, because if he says it, you have to believe it! Tell em.
David: Well, I heard the kid's tape of "Forever" and it blew me away! I'm not even here! I had no choice, I had to sign him!
Becky: Honey he signed you!?
DJ: Congratulations!
Jesse: I'm finally gonna have a record out! 10 years of struggling has finally paid off.
Michelle: Cause you got perseverance!
David: Cool kid. Hey Jess, cat...let's rap. When you think of major superstars like Michael Jackson or Hammer...what do you see?
Jesse: Funny pants?
David: No, no no...you see dancing!
Jesse: I do?
David: Of course you do! That is why we are gonna take that sweet little song of yours, rerecord it, turn up the energy, pump up the beat, and make the hottest dance video ever to hit MTV.
Jesse: Uh Dave...Cat...There's just one small problem..um, I don't dance.
David: Ah c'mon! A guy with your looks and talent? Can't dance? I don't believe it.
Stephanie: Believe it.
Everybody: Yeah, it's true...he can't dance. Comet's a better dancer..
David: Anyway, don't worry about it, because when we get through with you, everyone in this country will be dancing the "Jess Man"
Jesse: The "Jess Man"?

***To be continued***

Guest Cast:
The Beach Boys: Themselves
David Janolari: Brian Robbins
Kerry: Molly Orr

Script edited by: Amanda
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever