Full House Scripts - Season 6

Teaser:

Michelle and Denise are watching television in the living room...
Host: Okay kids, to hear today's new jokes ask your parents if you can call your funny buddy at the number on your screen.
Michelle + Denise: (Laugh like the tv host.)
Host: And remember, it's only two dollars a minute, and don't forget to ask your parents.
Michelle + Denise: (Laugh like tv-host)
Denise: Are you going to call funny buddy again ?
Michelle: Sure am, last time I told one of his jokes, milk came out of my daddy's nose.
Denise: I asked my daddy if I could call and he said: 'Denise, do you think money grows on trees ?'
Michelle: My daddy didn't say anyhting.
Denise: How come ?
Michelle: Cause I asked him when he was vacuuming the [brug].
Denise: He probably didn't hear you.
Michelle: That's the idea.
Michelle and Denise laugh as Michelle pics up the phone to make a call...

We find Stephanie in school...
Stephanie: Hi Jennifer, Jennifer. Cool shirts.
Jennifer S. + Jennifer P.: Thank you, it's the latest style.
Jennifer P.: I got mine from Sassy city.
Jennifer S.: Me too.
Jennifer + Jennifer: No way!
Charles: Well well well well well, look who's blacking the isles. Let's see. Two jennifers and a Stephanie, three people, one brain, no personality.
Stephanie: Hey Charles, what do you think of the human race ? We like an outsider's opinion.
Teacher: Charles, Stephanie that's quite enough, let's take our seats al right. You two have just given me a wonderfull idea for our next writing assignment. Let's call it' finding the best in people.'
Charles: Let's call it 'it's three o clock, let's go home'.
Teacher: Let's call the principal and see what he thinks. Alright, I want you to interview each other. And I want you to find the best quelities in your partners and then write an essay about it. And I think I'm gonna pair up Stephanie and Charles first since they inspired this.

In the kitchen we find Jesse, DJ, Steve and Kimmy...
Jesse: Hi everybody
DJ + Kimmy + Steve: Hi.
Jesse and Steve take the same apple...
Steve: Did you want that ?
Jesse: That could be why my hand's on. Who's reading 'Catcher in the rye' ?
Steve: Oh me.
Jesse: I have to do a book report on it for my night school english class.
Steve: Me too, I have to do a report on that for my class. It's such a drag.
Jesse: Tell me about it.
Kimmy: Book report ? You guys could try the Gibbler method. Rent the movie.
Jesse: Kimmy, that's a teribble idea. And I checked, it's not on video.
DJ: Why don't you try reading the book ?
Kimmy: or each of you could read half. Hey Deej, remember when Kathy Santoni and I split up 'Much to do about nothing' ?
DJ: Yeah, she read much to do and you read nothing.
Jesse: Nono hohohold it a second. You know what Kimmy, that's a good idea. You know what, you're not as dumb as you look.
Kimmy: Thanks.
Jesse: You're welcome. No Steve, this is good, you see, you read first half, I read the second half, and we fill each other in.
Steve: Hey, that sounds like a plan.
Joey: Hey, we're home.
Jesse: Hey, my boys. I missed you guys. Did you have fun with uncle Joey today ?
Joey: They sure did, we had the best time at the park, these guys like playing in the sand so much, I think they brought most of it home with them.
Jesse: They're building their own beach. What is it with kids and sandboxes.
Joey: Jess, I have no idea what the attraction is. Okay boys, let's how daddy what I taught you. What do we do when we got sand in our mouths ?
The twins spit...
Jesse: Good influence Joey.
Michelle: It's joke time, gather around ladies and germs, it's time for the joke of the day.
Denise: Okay, what did one penny say to another ?
Michelle: Let's get together and make some cents.
Steve: That's cute, you guys should go on Jay Leno.
Joey: Yeah, cause my guests tonight are the fabulous Michelle and Denise and they'll be appearing at Zany's in wonderfull Sandusky Ohio from the 22th through the 28th.
Jesse: Where do you goofballs have these jokes from ?
Denise: From Funny Buddy.
Michelle: Denise.
Denise: What ?
Michelle: let's go play outside.
Denise: I don't wanna play outside.
Michelle: Trust me, you do.

In the living room wefind Danny and Stephanie...
Stephanie: I'm not exaggerating dad, nobody in school can stand this kid Charles. He's a total [obnoxitor].
Danny: Well come on Steph, how bad can he be ?
Stephanie: Bad.Flufner, our class bunny tried to bite him. Deej, help me out, I have to do a project with a real jerk. You have tons of experience dealin with some one who's rude and crude.
Kimmy: Deej, do you have a friend I don't know about ?
DJ: Ahm look Steph, sometimes people can seemobnoxious from the outside, but when you spend time alone with them, really get to know them, become friends with them, you realize they're not so bad.
Kimmy: Who is this person ?
Danny: Steph, come here. I know Charlie can seem like a jerk, but honey, there's good in everybody. Beck, let me ask you something. Remember that guy we interviewed on the show a couple of weeks ago, was it Tommy Bun ?
Becky: Oh yeah, what a jerk.
Danny: Yeah, he did chare over a million dollar on other people creditcards, but remember later in the interview he showed a different side of himself.
Becky: Yeah he mooned us.
Danny: Actually before that, remember before he told us all that other stuff he told us how he used to carpool. Of course it was a stolen car.And he was fleeing the country.
Stephanie: I wish he had taken Charles with him.
Danny: Come on sweety, be nice to him, maybe it will rub off on him.
The doorbell sounds
Stephanie: Battle stations. Okay, I'll be nice. Hello Charles, nice to see you.
Charles: Yeah, I wished I felt the same.
Stephanie: Everybody, this is Charles.
Charles: Hey Steph, I see where you get your looks.
Danny: Well thanks.
Charles: Yeah, I didn't say good looks. Can we just do the assignment okay ?
Stephanie: I can hardly wait.
Danny: Maybe there isn't good in everybody.
DJ: What a brat.
Becky: Somebody needs to teach that kid manners.
Kimmy: I wonder if he has an older brother.

We find Stephanie and Charles walking into Stephanie's room...
Charles: Who's room is this ? The rainbow pride ?
Stephanie: Let's just do the assignment. Okay, what did you do today that was nice ?
Charles: Well I didn't put bubblegum in anyone's chair.
Stephanie: What a prince.
Michelle: Oh Stephanie.
Charles: Oh look, it's half a person.
Michelle: You got a bad attitude.
Stephanie: What is it Michelle ? We're studying.
Michelle: You are in big trouble with dad. Big big big bi bi big....
Stephanie: Okay, okay, I get it. What did I do ?
Michelle: You forot to take the garbage out again.
Stephanie: Oh oh.
Michelle: Daddy said he'll deal with you later. Just thought you'd like to know.
Charles: Well, I guess you're really in for it now huh ?
Stephanie: Yeah, that's twice this week. My dad's gonna flip out on me.
Charles: Well, you know what helps ? Try to think of a funny movie, like Home Alone or Roger rabbit, that's what I always do when I'm getting it.
Stephanie: getting what ?
Charles: Well, you know, when you're dad is pounding you.
Stephanie: You mean hidding ? My dad never hits me, does yours hit you ?
Charles: No, just forget it, let's do the assingment.
Stephanie: But you said you always think of a funny movie, do you get hit a lot ?
Charles: Look, I didn't mean anything by it, just forget it, okay, let's do the assignment.
Stephanie: Charles, you can trust me, I swear.
Charles: No, I don't care if you swear on your mothers life.
Stephanie: My mother is not a life.
Charles: Oh, I'm sorry. Mine's not a life either.
Stephanie: I'm sorry.
Charles: Look, my dad does hit me sometimes, but it's my own fault for taking him off. Boy, did he really clubbed on me last week
Stephanie: You mean when you came to school with that black eye and you said you walked into a door ?
Charles: Yeah, a door named dad.
Stephanie: Maybe you should tell someone.
Charles: No, no. I can't tell anyone and neither can you. What time is it ?
Stephanie: 5:30.
Charles: I forgot to phone my dad and tell him I was gonna be late. He's gonna kill me! I gotta go, gotta go!
Stephanie: But Charles.
Charles: Steph, you gotta swear to me. You can't tell anyone as long as you life. Ever You got it, okay ?
Stephanie: Okay, I swear.

The next day in Stephanie's class...
Jennifer S.: Hi Stephanie, new top ?
Stephanie: Yeah, like you said, it's the latest style.
Jennifer P.: But that was yesterday.
Stephanie: Oh, haven't you heard ? It's coming back again after lunch.
Jennifer + Jennifer: No way!
Teacher: Goodmorning class. Stephanie, I'm afraid we're gonna have to find you another partner for your assignment.
Stephanie: Why, I thought I was working with Charles.
Teacher: Well, he's gonna be out all week, he had an accident.
Jennifer S.: He is an accident.
Stephanie: Hey, cut it off, that's not funny.
Jennifer P.: Hey, don't have a freak attack.
Teacher: Alright, that's enough, let's take our seats.
Stephanie: Mrs. Patterson, what kind of accident did Charles have ?
Teacher: Well, his father said he fell down the stairs.
Stephanie: Oh no.
Teacher: What is it Stephanie ?
Stephanie: Uhm... Nothing.

In the kitchen...
Michelle: Okay, who wants to here another joke ?
DJ + Steve: Ooh...
Denise: Now, don't you have a sense of humor ?
Becky: Of course they do. Come on you guys, give the girls some encouragement, after all they look up to you. Well, actually they look up to everyone. Just laugh.
Denise: Now, what's a frog's favorite drink ?
Michelle: Croc-a-cola!
Becky starts laughing and signals DJ and Steve to laugh with her. Then Steph walks in...
Michelle: Hey Steph, do you wanna here a joke.
Stephanie: Neh!
Michelle: It's really funny, they laughed their heads off.
Stephanie: I'm not really in the mood for a joke.
Michelle: Let's go tell Nicky and Alex.
Denise: Yeah, they laugh at anything.
Becky: Come on Deej, help me set the table.
Jesse: Okay Steve, I finished my half of the book, let's do this Catcher in the rye report huh.
Steve: Al right, I finished my half, how was yours ?
Jesse: My half wasn't half bad.
Steve: Yeah, I got to admit, I like my half too. I'm dying to find out what happens.
Jesse: Yeah, I'm dying to find out what happens before it happened. Lay it on me.
Steve: First this guy you know, Holding, gets kicked out of school.
Jesse: Oh yeah, I noticed he had a lot of time on his hand, but I didn't know why. Good okay.
Steve: It was really funny, I was laughing up loud.
Jesse: Yeah, what was so funny ?
Steve: Oh, the characters were acting funny and saying all this funny stuff. It was funny man.
Jesse: First half of the book, funny man ?
Steve: I'm trying to explain it, I just can't say it as good as he wrote it.
Becky: You know guys, this could be why most people read both halfs of the book.
Jesse: This is ridiculous, I'm done with shortcuts, I'm going to read the whole book,I missed a lot of good things.
Steve: Yeah, it's like ordering a pizza and then stop eating after only six slices.
Jesse: Yeah, or only seeing half a movie. I remember I walked into Tootsie's late once, and I kept saying to myself, who's that ugly woman ? Come on, we've got some reading to do.
Steve: Hey you know in Tootise, that was a guy.
Becky: You know Deej, I think that you're uncle Jesse is gonna be a possitive influence on Steve.
DJ: Yeah, and even if his grades don't improve, his hair's gonna look great.

We find Danny and Danny and Joey walking down the stairs...
Danny: Joey, look at this phone bill, two dollars, six dollars, three dollars.
Joey: Danny, I have never called a 976 number in my life. Okay once, I tried that dating service, but I stopped after I got my aunt Frieda.
Danny: Joey, I'm not accusing you, I'm just asking you.
Joey: But why am I always the one who gets asked ? I mean, somebody leaves cheese in the hamper, right away, it's my fault.
Danny: The goodo was in your pants.
Joey: Like you never left a wad of cheese in your pants.
Danny: I'm just gonna call this number my self and just see what's it is.
Denise: Does anybody wanna hear another joke ?
Michelle: How could you tell if there's an elephant in the refrigerator ?
Danny: By the footprints in the butter. (Laughs strangely)
Michelle: How did you know that ?
Danny: Your funny buddy just told me.
Michelle: oh oh.
Denise: Ooh, you're busted.
Danny: Joey, you're right, I'm sorry. Now could you do me a favor and drive Denise home, cause I wanna talk to Michelle about her funny buddy phone bill.
Joey: Certainly, but in this wondefull land of ours that I like to call America, Everyone is innocent until prooven guilty. (Singing) My country is of thee. (Talknig) Love you people.
Danny: Michelle, did you know these funny buddy calls cost money ?
Michelle: Yes I did.
Danny: You did, and did you know that every call you make shows up on this bill ?
Michelle: No, but I do wish that somebody told me.
Danny: So you knew you were doing wrong and you still went ahead and did it ?
Michelle: I'm really sorry daddy, I'll never do it again.
Danny: Hold it, not so fast. I mean come back here please. You know, sometimes saying 'im sorry' is not enough.
Michelle: But sometimes it is.
Danny: But not this time, okay ? Every night this week you're going to bed an hour earlier because I want you think about what you did wrong.
Michelle: That's not fair.
Danny: I think it is fair. I want you upstairs.
Michelle: But..
Danny: No, no 'buts', I want you upstairs, pronto.
Michelle: (reluctantly walking away) I can't make a phonecall, daddy is so mean, I can't do anything...

In Stephanie and Michelle's room:
Michelle: I'm never talking to daddy again, he's a big meany.
Stephanie: Don't say that.
Michelle: He's makin me go to bed early.
Stephanie: Big deal.
Michelle: It is to me.
Stephanie: Look, I'm telling you, don't ever call dad names.
Michelle: You can't tell me what to do.
Stephanie: Yes I can, I'm your big sister.
Michelle: You're not that big.
Stephanie: I'm bigger than you.
Michelle: So..
Stephanie: So..
Michelle: So..
The girls go on like this, till Jesse walks in...
Jesse: Heyheyhey, Itchy, Scratchy, what's going on in here ? I'm trying to read out here.
Stephanie: Michelle's saying terrible things about dad.
Michelle: Daddy punished me.
Jesse: Hey now, Michelle, you're dad is a very fair man, if he punished you I'm sure there must have been a very good reason.
Michelle: Well, there is, but I still don't like it.
Jesse: You hang in there, okay ?
Michelle: Okay. Come on Comet, watch me brushing my teeth, it's almost my new bedtime.
Stephanie: Big deal, so she has to go to bed early. Doesn't she know how lucky we are ? Some kids get punished a lot worse than that.
Jesse: Stephanie, where's this coming from ? Here, sit down. Something you wanna talk about ?
Stephanie: Yeah.
Jesse: I can't hear you unless you speak up.
Stephanie: I can't, I promised I wouldn't tell. And you guys taught me never to break a promise.
Jesse: Yes, well, that's a good rule, but once in a while there are exceptions to every rule.
Stephanie: There are ?
Jesse: Yeah, like that one about not being able to swim after you eat, you know you have to wait an hour, I hate that rule. I mean sure it applies say you eat a big steak diner, you have a steak, you have a nice baked potatoe, some sourcream, then yes an hour. But say you eat a cracker, you see this makes no sense. Here's when the exception comes in. You eat a cracker ? I'd say, boom, five minutes, barabing, you're in the pool. A peanut ? I say, eat the peanut and swim, who cares. There is all these... a whole platter of exceptions here.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, I don't think this is that kind of exception.
Jesse: Well look Steph, you're a very smart kid, just use your common sense.
Stephanie: if I tell you, can we keep it just between us ?
Jesse: Well, I can't promise that unless I know what the secret is.
Stephanie: That's what I should have said. Okay, there's this kid in my class, Charles, his father hits him, bad. He really hurts him uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Are you sure Steph ?
Stephanie: Positive, he told me all about it. And he wasn't in school today. The teacher said he had another 'accident'.
Jesse: Oh I got to report this right now.
Stephanie: Why ?
Jesse: Because if I don't, I'll go straighten him up by myself.
Stephanie: No uncle Jesse, please. I swore I wouldn't tell.
Jesse: Listen Sweetheart, I know you wanna keep your promise, but if you know this is happening and you don't say anything about it, you're only helping it happen again.
Stephanie: But what will happen to Charles if we report it ?
Jesse: What happens to Charles if we don't ?

About one week later, we find Stephanie walking into the living room where Jesse is...
Jesse: Steph, I'm glad you're home. Listen, I wanna talk to you about your pal Charles, okay.
Stephanie: It's been a whole week and he's still not at school. I'm worried about him.
Jesse: Listen, I made some calls today and the child wellfare people.. they took Charles and they put him in a foster family.
Stephanie: They took him away from his home ? I never should have told you, now he's gonna hate me, this is all your fault.
Jesse: Stephanie knock it off, Stephanie listen, it's not my fault, it's not your fault, we weren't the ones hurting Charles.
Stephanie: Then why did they have to take him out of his house ?
Jesse: They had to, he wasn't safe there.
Stephanie: What's gonna happen to Charles ?
Jesse: Well Charles and his father need help and now they're gonna get it. Sweetheart please believe me, you did the right thing.
Stephanie: Then why do I feel so lousy ?
Jesse: Cause it's a lousy situation kid. Listen, I realize how hard this was for you, but the bottomline is thanks to you, thanks to Stephanie, Charles' father can't hurt him tonight.
Stephanie: What made his father so mean ?
Jesse: I don't know. When I look at you girls, and look at Nicky and Alex, how can anyone hurt their child ?
DJ: dad just pulled in, it's time for diner.
Jesse: let's go eat.
Danny: Okay everybody, I got pizza's eat them while their hot.
Stephanie hugs and kisses Danny...
Danny: Thanks, what was that for ?
Stephanie: Nothing, I just felt like it.
Danny: I take a free hu anytime.
The family starts eating.....

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Denise: Jurnee Smollett
Charles: J.D. Daniels
Teacher (Mrs. Patterson): Susan krebbs
Jennifer S.: Tiffany Watson
Jennifer P.: Danielle Fishel