Full House Scripts - Season 7

Teaser:

We find Joey and the twins in the living room playing 10 pin bowling
Joey: And first up is Nicky Katsopolis. Hey, Nicky, where are you from?
Nicky: I don't know
Joey: "I don't know" well, we'll get back to you on that one. OK and let her rip.
Nicky bowls and misses
Joey: Oh. Oh. Gutter-ball. So close yet so far away. OK, and next up is Alex. And Alex, what is your strategy today?
Alex: I don't know.
Joey: Obviously he's not going to tip his hand, folks. OK and go for it.
Alex misses, too.
Joey: Oh. Uh, boys the object of the game is to try and knock some of the pins down.
Nicky and Alex run up to the pins and kick them all down.
Joey: Oh, unbelievable! A perfect game! High fives are flying! Yes, high five's all round and a big hug. Come here you knuckle-heads.

We find the family eating breakfast, when Steve walks in
Steve: Hey guys, what's up?
Everybody: Hey, how are you, Steve?
Steve: Hey where's DJ?
Stephanie: I think she's up doing her hair. Have a seat.
Steve: Oh, no way. Sorry, I can't wait two hours.
Jesse: Two hours on her hair? I hope she's not cutting corners.
Steve: Well, I'll just leave her a note.
Michelle: Ew, I've got hair in my cereal.
Joey: Boy, the prizes aren't what they used to be.
Becky: You know what? I think we can solve this problem with a little hair-spray and a hairbrush.
Michelle: I hate hair-spray. It makes my face all sticky.
Jesse: You sit tight. I've got just the thing for you. he runs upstairs
Steve finishes his note
Stephanie: I'll give that to DJ.
Steve: Oh, thanks a lot. I've really got to go. I'm in a rush. I've got a Shakespeare est. "Much to do about nothing".
Joey: Hey, don't take it so lightly, it's important.
Steve looks confused
Steve: Well, bye guys.
Everybody: Seeya Steve.

Jesse comes running downstairs.
Jesse: Here you go Michelle, I've got just the thing for you. Check this out. I raked up this little gizmo one day when I hair-sprayed one of my eyes shut. See, you put it on like that (Jesse puts the gizmo on his face) and - baboom- you've got uh - not spray in the face.
Becky: All right, Michelle. Come here so you don't do this at the kitchen table. (Jesse and Becky pull her onto a stool) OK. Now up you go. Put the little gizmo in front of your face.
Michelle: Are you sure is going to work?
Becky: Of course. I've seen your Uncle Jesse use this a thousand times........ a day!
Becky sprays Michelle's hair
Jesse: On this side.
Becky: OK
Michelle takes off the "gizmo."
Michelle: Wow my face isn't a bit sticky.
Jesse: When it comes to hair you just leaves it to your uncle J.
Michelle: Thanks Uncle Jesse. I bet I'll have the hardest hair in class.
Danny: Come here. Give me a kiss. (Michelle kisses him) Oh, honey your hair is so nice and hard. (Michelle walks away...) Jess, let me see that thing. This is a very ingenious little gadget.
Joey: You know, I bet you we could sell these.
Danny: You know, there are a lot of people out there making a fortune selling stuff just like this.
Jesse: Come on guys. I just hooked a handle onto an old visor from a motorcycle helmet. You can't make any money on that.
Danny: Oh yeah? Well let me tell you about some devices that people said they couldn't make any money on: The pocket fisherman, the Jerky maker. The gas-powered toothbrush. People will buy anything.
Joey: Hey that The gas-powered toothbrush got great mileage. OK, so it was a little hard to start on a cold morning.
Jesse: You really think we can make money on something like this?
Joey: We're talking about millions
Danny: Multi-millions.
Joey: So are we in business?
Jesse: What the heck? I'm in!
Joey: All right!
Danny: Yes!

We find DJ in her room drying her hair. Stephanie walks in
Stephanie: Hey Deej. Steve was just here. He left you a note.
DJ: Aw, I love it when he writes me little private notes. It's so romantic.
Stephanie: Not this one. He's cutting your date short tonight. He has to study.
DJ: You read my note?
Stephanie: Hey, is it my fault when you hold it up to the light you can see everything, "Sugar Lips"?
DJ: You little snoop, you're toast!
Stephanie: Love to stay and chat but gotta move. (She runs out of the room)
DJ runs after her still holding the hair-drier and gets pulled back onto her bed.

We find Stephanie in the library. Steve is there, too. Suddenly a girl comes up to him
Edie: Steve?
Steve: Edie!
Edie: I've got a surprise for you tonight.
Steve: Oh, hey cool. I love surprises.
Edie: I checked out this cookbook. "Dinner for Two"
Stephanie, who's been watching all this, hides behind a bookshelf, and keeps listening
Steve: All right! So what's on the menu tonight?
Edie: How does "Pasta Romantico" sound?
Steve: Anything's better than rupiers and string-cheese.
Edie: Steve, You are adorable.
Steve: Thank you.
Edie kisses him on the cheek. Stephanie gasps.
Steve: So what time's this dinner?
Edie: About six.
Stephanie's still shocked.

We find Stephanie coming in through the kitchen just as Kimmy's leaving.
Kimmy: Sayonara, Bug Breath.
Stephanie: (Sadly) Seeya, Kimmy.
Kimmy: What? You're not going to insult me back? Are you mad at me?
Stephanie: Oh. Sorry uh, something-face.
Kimmy: Are you OK?
Stephanie: no. I have a little problem.
Kimmy: Well, DJ's upstairs. She might care.
Stephanie: I can't tell DJ.
Kimmy: Really? Is it about her?
Stephanie: Well....
Kimmy: It is, isn't it? And it's hot. I can feel it. When it comes to dirt, I've got ESPN.
Stephanie: OK, I saw Steve in the library with another girl.
Kimmy: So? There are lots of girls at the library. Well, not that I've ever been there, but I hear that it's coed.
Stephanie: She said she was going to cook him dinner.
Kimmy: Maybe they're studying together.
Stephanie: Pasta Romantico?
Kimmy: Maybe they're studying German.
Stephanie: Kimmy, stay with me. She kissed him. I don't know what to do. If I tell DJ, it'll break her heart.
Kimmy: OK, before you lay this one on DJ, you'd better find out if Steve really is a cheating dog.
Stephanie: Will you help me?
Kimmy: Sure. But on one condition. After it, can we go back to hating each other? Because I'd miss that.
Stephanie: Of course!

We find Danny, Jesse and Joey coming in to the living room.
Jesse: (To Danny and Joey) OK, I think that sounds good. (To Becky) All right, guess what, Beck? We did it!
Becky: Did what?
Danny: Well, we all chipped in and we bought some time on the station's home shopping shelf.
Joey: There's an open spot. The Underwear Elasticizer guy went broke.
Jesse: Tonight we're going on the air live. In a few hours we'll be introducing the world to the "Spray-Guard Two Thousand....
Danny + Joey + Jesse: ....And One!"
Becky: Whoa! Larry, Curly. You guys have lost it. You can't go on tonight.
Jesse: Beck, we have to. If we don't do it now, somebody's going to be selling this thing tomorrow.
Becky: Jess, you only have one of those "Spray-Guard Two Thousand's.
Jesse + Danny + Joey: ..And One!
Joey: Then we'll just glue up a dozen of those puppies for the display and slap together the other million once the orders start coming in.
Becky: Slapping and gluing. That sounds like quality control to me.

We find Steph and Kimmy outside Steve's apartment. Kimmy's trying to break the lock on his front door.
Stephanie: Come on. Hurry up!
Kimmy: Relax. DJ and Steve won't be back from the movies for a couple of hours. (Kimmy breaks the lock and opens the door) Yes! OK, Colombo. We've got to find something incriminating. A love letter, a photo, something that says he's got a little sweet-pea stashed on the side.
Stephanie finds a bra in the washing basket:
Stephanie: Whoa! I'd say this screams sweet pea!
Kimmy: I don't know. Steve could lie and say it's his....... Or maybe it is his!
The phone rings. Edie comes out of the shower wrapped in a towel and answers the phone. Steph and Kimmy hide.
Edie: Hello? Oh, hi Shelly. I'm good but I'm kind of crazed. There's so much to do before the wedding.
Stephanie gasps.
Edie: I can't wait till we're married. I've got to go but I'll call you tomorrow, OK? Bye.
Edie returns to the bathroom. Steph and Kimmy emerge.
Stephanie: I don't believe it! Steve's living a double life!
Kimmy: Like on "Oprah". People married to two people at the same time.
Stephanie: Well, now we know Steve's a true tyrant. Let's get out of here!
They head toward the door, and hear DJ and Steve coming back.
Stephanie: Hide! Go on hide!
DJ and Steve come in.
DJ: Boy, I hope you're not too bummed the movie was sold out.
Steve: Aw, Deej, who cares about the movie? (DJ and Steve kiss)
Kimmy: We've got to tell her!
Stephanie: Why? She'll figure it out once she sees Towel-Girl.
Kimmy: You're right. We'll sneak out during the cat-fight!
Steve: Hey, look, Deej, I'm sorry we have to make this such an early night, but I've got to study.
DJ: It's OK. I understand.
Kimmy: Ow, I've got a cramp in my foot.
Stephanie: Shhh!
Steve: You're the best. You'll always be the only one for me.
DJ: Well, you'll always be the only only one for me.
Steve: Oh yeah? Well you'll always be the only only onlyest one for me.
Kimmy and Stephanie pretend to gag. DJ and Steve kiss. Edie comes in, fully dressed this time.
Edie: Steve?
Steve: Edie! What are you doing here? I thought you were going to visit your fiance.
Steph and Kimmy exchange confused looks.
Edie: Yeah, I'm heading over there now.
DJ: Are you enjoying your visit?
Edie: Steve's a great host. He's always been my favorite cousin.
Stephanie: Cousin? They're cousins?
Kimmy: Steve's married his cousin?
DJ: Well, have fun.
Edie: Seeya soon. Bye. (She leaves)
Kimmy: Ow, these boots are killing me. (She takes one of them off. Steph holds her nose.)
DJ and Steve stop kissing.
DJ: Steve, what's that smell?
Steve: I've no idea. My goldfish died last week but we flushed him.
DJ starts sniffing the room and arrives at Steph and Kimmy's hiding place. They crawl away, and Steph finds herself in front of Steve's foot.
Stephanie: Steve, what are you doing here?
DJ: What are you guys doing here?
Stephanie: Well, it's kind of a long story and I don't really want to come through with the details.
Kimmy: Right. No harm. No foul. (To Steph) Glad I could be of help, Steph.
Stephanie: Thank you, Kimmy.
They head towards the door.
DJ: Hold it! Hold it! You guys aren't going anywhere. I want to know what you're doing here!
Stephanie: Well, I kind of got the wrong idea when I saw Steve and Edie at the library.
Steve: Wait. Wait, you thought I could cheat on DJ?
DJ: I can't believe you violated our privacy! You know, you're lucky Steve doesn't call the cops.
Steve: Hey, come on, Deej. Don't overreact. It's not like they stole anything.
Kimmy: All right - One bag of M&M's. But I was going to pay you back. It was all Nancy Drew's idea. She begged me.
DJ: (To Stephanie) It was your idea?
Kimmy: (to Stephanie) I'll be waiting in the car, Steph. Take your time. (She runs off)
DJ: Steph, I can't take this snooping thing anymore! You read my diary, you listen in on my phone calls and now you break into Steve's apartment! How much did you hear?
Stephanie: Not much. Really! Hardly anything. Just that you're the only one for him, and he's the onlyest one for you. Or maybe you're the onlyest? Let's see, he said "only" then she said....
DJ: Will you stop it! This is the lowest thing you've ever done!
Stephanie: I was just trying to help.
DJ: You want to help? Then get out of my life!
Stephanie leaves.

We find Joey, Danny and Jesse in the TV studio before the show. Joey is offstage spraying the handles of the Spray Guard Two Thousand and Ones pink
Jesse: Hey, what are you doing? Why are you painting those pink? I hate pink!
Joey: Because, Jess, believe it or not, women use hair spray, too. And Check this out. I glued some foam lining around the edge of the shield for extra comfort.
Jesse: Very good. Now we can charge extra money! All right come on. We're on the air live in two minutes. We ready?
Joey: I'm there.
Jesse: All right!
Becky comes in with the twins.
Nicky: Hi, Daddy.
Jesse: Hi, boys. Hi guys. You guys ready to sit back and watch your old man get rich on the Spray Guard Two Thousand and.....
Nicky + Alex: ..And one!
Jesse: All right! Oh, Beck, I've got a very special job for you. Here, I'll show you. Here it is, right here. (Jesse takes them offstage to a table off the set.) Check this out guys you're going to love this. It's a special sound effects machine I borrowed from the radio station. Watch, watch all the little things it does. Like, you want applause you do this ( there's a sound of applause) See, you want laughter you go here (laughter)
Becky: I don't know, Jess. I'm not familiar with this.
Jesse: Don't worry about it. Check this out I made labels for you. Here, stand up son. See, 4 was laughter. Applause is 2.
Stage Manager: OK, folks we have a show to do and we are live in 5...4...3...2...
Danny: Thank you, Jimmy. Hey everybody. Welcome to "Incredibly Fantastic Discoveries"! Everybody!
Danny starts clapping. Becky pushes the applause button but stops it too soon)
Danny: OK. I am Danny Tanner host of "Wake up San Francisco" and I am very very proud to introduce to you a revolutionary new product, the Spray Guard Two Thousand and One! But first let's meet the very very gifted inventor and creator of the Spray Guard Two Thousand and One. He is a local radio personality and owner of the Smash Club He's half genius, half visionary half Greek, I give you Jesse Katsopolis!
Jesse comes on the set. Becky plays the recorded applause
Jesse: Thank you, I'm touched. Really. Sit down, people.
Danny: So please tell us about the Spray Guard Two Thousand....
Jesse + Danny: ... and One!
Jesse: I'd love to, Danny. Hey, no more embarrassing sticky foreheads, right here with the new Spray Guard Two Thousand ...
Danny + Jesse: and One!
Danny: All I can say is "Amen to that"
Jesse: Hallelujah and have some mercy.
Danny: Thank you, Jesse. Now if you would please tell us how the Spray Guard Two Thousand
Jesse + Danny: .... and One
Danny: .... came about.
Jesse: I'd love to, Danny. And to help me out is my niece...
Danny: And my daughter...
Jesse: ... Michelle Tanner.
Michelle enters the set. Becky - applause
Jesse: Michelle, uh, tell the people out there the funny thing that happened to you this morning.
Michelle: Out where?
Jesse: Out there, in TV land, for the millions of people.
Michelle: (suddenly shocked) millions. That's a lot, right?
Jesse: Yeah, yeah. They're all out there and they all want to hear the funny thing that happened to you this morning. Shoot!
Michelle: I forgot.
Danny: No. no. you know what it is? Her mind is still reeling in amazement after having witnessed in action the Spray Guard Two Thousand....
Michelle: ..And One! I got that right!
Danny: Yes, you did. Bye bye, Michelle. Good to see you. (Applause)
Michelle: (leaving) where's all that clapping coming from?
Jesse: Run along, child. OK, and now to help explain how the Spray Guard Two Thousand....
Jesse + Danny: And One!
Jesse: ...works, I'd like to bring out our head of research and development. Ladies and gentlemen please give a big hand for Doctor Joseph Gladstone. (applause)
Joey: Thank you, Jesse, Danny. After years of painstaking research and development we've proven that the Spray Guard Two Thousand....
Danny + Joey + Jesse: and One!
Joey: ..protects the frontal cranial region from the damaging effects of airborne hair-care products.
Danny: Doctor, could you please explain that in language terms.
Joey: Well, Danny, in language terms, it keeps gunk out of your face. See? (Joey puts the Spray Guard Two Thousand and One on his face and throws a pen at it.) Nothing gets through! (Applause)
Jesse: Now, doctor, if you'd hand over the Spray Guard Two Thousand....
Danny + Jesse + Joey: And One!
Jesse: ... I will show the people how easy it is to use in their very own homes. Doctor?
Joey: Certainly, Jesse. (Joey tries taking the Spray Guard Two Thousand and One off)
Jesse: Doc. The Spray Guard. Give me the thing, man!
Joey: Ow. Ow. Ow. It's glued to my head!
Jesse: Becky! Becky!
Becky leaves the twins at the sound machine and runs over to Joey.
Becky: You're needed at the laboratory, Doctor.
Nicky and Alex press the clucking chickens sound button.
Becky: No, don't touch that! (She runs back to the twins) where are the labels?
Nicky: Here, Mummy.
Alex: Here.
Becky: Thank you.
Jesse: And now, doctor, if you'll give me the hair-spray, I will demonstrate the proper use for the Spray Guard Two Thousand....
Danny + Jesse: And One!
Joey: Uh, just a sec, boss. It's getting a little foggy in here.
Jesse: (grabbing one of the spray cans from Joey's hand) Give me the thing, man. We're on TV!
Danny: OK. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you with no further delay, the Spray Guard Two Thousand....
Danny + Jesse: And One!
Jesse starts spraying his hair
Joey: Uh oh. Here's the hair-spray. I must have given Jesse the....
Jesse: You see how easy it works? (Jesse's hair turns pink.)
Joey: Uh, Jess.
Jesse: What is it?
Joey: Uh, you missed a spot.
Jesse: Oh, thank you. There you go. Look at that. (Jesse takes the Spray-Guard off) Isn't that amazing? No sticky face! Everybody! (Jesse starts clapping, but instead of the applause, there's the Scottish national anthem)
Danny: uh, that means we have a caller, evidently from Scotland. Yes, go ahead please.
Caller: Yeah, hello? I think you guys have one on heck of a product.
Jesse: Well, thank you, sir. So do we.
Caller: Yes, in fact I thought so two years ago when I invented it. If you try selling even one hair-spray shield I'll sue you for every penny you're worth.
Jesse: You will?
Caller: Yeah. And by the way, your hair is pink!
Jesse: What do you mean my hair is pink? (he runs offstage and sees himself on the TV screen) AAAAAAAAH! I'm gonna kill you, Joey!
Meanwhile the twins play with the sound machine
Danny: The Spray Guard Two Thousand and One isn't just for hair-spray, you can also use it as a sneeze guard. Atchoo! Or as a rain hat, or a... a granola scoop...
Cows mooing, car horn, machine gun shooting, yodeling, Scottish national anthem again.....

We find Stephanie in the living room, when DJ walks in
Stephanie: Deej, can I talk to you? I made you some popcorn.
DJ ignores her and heads upstairs to her room. Stephanie follows...
Stephanie: Come on Smell the buttery goodness. Deej, come on. Talk to me. Deej, look, it's a perfect bowl - almost every corneal popped. You're ignoring me, right?
DJ: Right!
Stephanie: Hey, you talked to me! We're making progress here.
DJ: You know, there are plenty of other people living in this house. Try torturing them for a change.
Stephanie: I wasn't trying to torture you. It was just an unfortunate side effect.
DJ: Steph, you can't joke your way out of this.
Stephanie: I was just trying to protect you.
DJ: Well, you don't need to protect me.
Stephanie: But you're my sister.
DJ: You're a pain in the neck, I'm sick of it!
Stephanie: OK, fine! Maybe this time I messed up, but some day you'll need me, but I won't be there, because you want me out of your life! Forever! (She runs out of the room and closes the door behind her)
DJ: Steph! (She opens the door. Stephanie is standing there)
Stephanie: I was hoping you'd miss me.
DJ: Steph, I don't want you out of my life.
Stephanie: You don't?
DJ: No. I want you out of my private life. My diaries, my phone calls, Steve's apartment.
Stephanie: all the good stuff, huh?
DJ: Steph, if you thought that Steve was seeing somebody else why didn't you just tell me?
Stephanie: I didn't want to put you through all that pain unless I was sure. When Something hurts you, hurts me too.
DJ: well, I guess you were in a pretty tough spot.
Stephanie: Yeah. Do you forgive me?
DJ: Yes, come here you knuckle-head. (They hug)
Stephanie: Deej, I'm really sorry. I just didn't know what to do.
DJ: Well, Steph, if you ever have a problem just come and talk to me, or Steve or Dad or Comet anybody but Kimmy.
Stephanie: Yeah, I'll try to remember that next time. And from now on, I promise - no more snooping.
Stephanie opens the door to leave and catches Michelle listening though the door.
Stephanie: Michelle! How dare you listen in on our private conversation? (To DJ) Where does she learn this stuff?
Michelle: Oh, Popcorn!

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Edie: Kristin Pearcey
Stage Manager: Jim Warren