Full House Scripts - Season 7

Teaser missing from script

We find Stephanie and DJ in the living room
Stephanie: Prepare to be amazed. Rise o ten of hearts.
DJ: Not even close.
Joey: Steph, you got to teach me that trick.
Michelle: Guys, someone stole my bike!
All: WHAT!
Danny: I am on the case. Yes, yes officer. Yes its pink, it has a cute little basket on the front, right, and it has frilly little tassels coming out the handlebars. No its not mine, its my daughter's. Oh, ok. Thank you very much.
All: What, what is going on? What's happening?
Danny: Nothing yet.
Michelle: Hum?
DJ: Maybe we should offer a reward?
Michelle: How about a million dollars!
Danny: Sweetheart, a million dollars is a lot for a bike.
Michelle: Dad, it has a basket.
Danny: I think maybe we should go look for it. Steph, D.J, you guys check the schoolyard.
DJ: Got it.
Danny: I think I'll hop on my bike and check the bike paths.
Joey: And I'll check all the video arcades and all the fast food places.
Danny: That's a good idea. That's where all the kids hang out.
Joey: I was going there anyway.
Jesse: Come on Michelle, you can come with me. Lets hit it.

Kimmy enters the house
Kimmy:Rest easy everyone. Your neighborhood crime catchers is on the case. I believe you all know Mrs. Cruthers, our fearless leader.
Danny: Hi.
Mrs. Caruthers:Hello citizens. Deputy Gibler and I picked up a 614 on the police scanner.
Kimmy:For you civilians, that would be a bicycle theft. Now I am going to need a little bit of information. Your name?
Danny: Gibler, you know my name!
Kimmy:This will be a whole lot easier if you just cooperate. Now, do you wear a hairpiece?
Danny: What does that have to do with a stolen bike?
Kimmy:Nothing, I've just always been curious.
Mrs. Caruthers:Joey, did you see anything suspicious when you went out for the paper this morning?
Joey: No, nothing unusual, just- how did you know I went out for the paper this morning?
Mrs. Caruthers:Oh! Part of my job. You know keeping an eye on the neighborhood, which includes you stride to the curb wearing those bun ucking pajamas.
Joey: Well, its nice to know that your watching every move I make.
Michelle: Why do people steal things?
Jesse: I don't know munchkin. But I know how you feel. When I was young, I had something very dear to me stolen.
Michelle: Your bike?
Jesse: No, my comb Mr. Parking. Oh, it was beautiful. Unbreakable teeth, leather carrying case.
Michelle: Uh! I can't believe it.
Jesse: Yeah, I couldn't either. But after two years, you rebuild your life.
Michelle: No, no. Over there that kid has my bike.
Jesse: Lets nail him.
Jesse: Hold it there son. I want to talk to you about this bike.
Michelle: Be careful Uncle Jesse, that's Steven Schultz, he's a big bully.
Davey: Hey look, its 'Toothless Tanner'!
Michelle: You stole my bike! Your dog food, mister.
Davey: What are you talking about? This is my sisters. Mine has a flat.
Jesse: Look, why don't you just give us the bike and we won't press charges.
Davey: Like I'm scared.
Jesse: What, what you want to end up in the slammer? Give Michelle back what's hers and will pretend this whole thing never happened.
Davey: And I'll pretend I took your hoots.
Jesse: Davey, Davey, Davey, Davey, I know what your going for here because I was just like you when I was a kid. I was always trying to be a tough guy.
Davey: Is this story long or just boring?
Jesse: Give me the bike!
Davey: This ain't yours. Now if your finished wasting my time, I have a trumpet lesson. And don't even think about taking that bike because its locked in solid steel lock.
Michelle: I told you he was tough.
Jesse: Yep, but not to bright.
Michelle: Thanks, Uncle Jesse!

Jesse and Michelle enter the house
Michelle: Hey Everyone, Uncle Jesse got my bike back.
Jesse: Hey its no big deal. All I did was outwit a nine year old.
Danny: What the heck is that?
Jesse: Michelle's bike. What the heck is that?
Joey: Hey, guys! I found Michelle's.....bike.
Danny: Excuse me. The question of the day.
Michelle: Wow, I have three bikes.
Danny: No honey, not all of them are yours. One of them is, but which one.
Michelle: I like this one, it looks brand new.
Danny: Sweetheart, I didn't ask which one you like best I asked which one is yours.
Michelle: Lets see. Mine has a kermit sticker on the basket.
Jesse: Well, would you settle for Care bear on the chain guard.
Michelle: None of these bikes are mine. Mines still stolen.
Danny: And so are all these.
Joey: And we're the stealers.
Michelle: We're all going to the slammer!

We find the family still together in the living room....
Michelle: Daddy, I have a stomach ache. Could you stay home from the slammer?
Danny: Sweetheart, we are not going to the slammer. We'll just return the bikes to the rightful owners.
Michelle: So everyone gets their bike back except me? That's fair.
Jesse: I have to return this. I stole it off a kid named Davey. I know that I should have stolen his trumpet too.
Danny: And I found mine leaning against the library. This is a horrible. A little girls goes in, check out Curious George, comes out and her bike is gone. Turned off a kid of reading forever.
Joey: I grabbed mine off the back of a pickup. Oh great, there's a card in it. Happy Birthday Lisa, Love Mom and Dad.
Danny: See who that is. Check through the window.
Joey: Its our crime catcher lady, Mrs. Caruthers. I'm getting my buns out of here.
Danny: No, no, no, take the bikes and hide them in the kitchen.
Mrs. Caruthers: Ten-four out. Mr. Tanner, three more bikes have been stolen. We're going to set up our command post in your house.
Danny: No, bad idea. We're not stoned for a command post
Mrs. Caruthers:This is the center of the crime wave. You haven't seen anything, have you?
Danny: Seen anything, why would I see something? Did someone say I saw something see something? For example, there's nothing going on in my kitchen.
Joey: Think she's suspicious?
Jesse: Why would she? All Danny is doing is a cruel confession.
Joey: Don't worry. All we have to do is act cool.

Becky enters the kitchen....
Becky: Guys! Sorry. I put the boys down for a nap, I must of conked out myself. Hey, what did you guys do, rip off a bike store?
Jesse: Shh!! I stole mine from a kid and he stole his off a truck.
Becky: What?
Kimmy:Open up, its Crime Catchers. Official Business!
Jesse: Its Gibler, go hide the bikes. You heard nothing and you saw nothing.
Becky: I know nothing.
Kimmy:Thank you Ms. Goodhair. (she enters with a lot of equipment)
Becky: What is all this?
Kimmy:You can't catch a criminal without the right equipment. Fax machine, cellphone, tribasector, police scanner.
Becky: Kimmy, what is this the Bat cave?
Kimmy:No, its your basic crime catcher equipment, your mobile kit. But do you know that 4 bikes have been stolen in our neighborhood?
Becky: I could have figured three.
Nicky: Hi Becky.
Becky: Ah Nicky, call me Mommy. You don't give me flowers on Becky's Day.
Nicky: I see bikes.
Kimmy:Did he just say 'I see bikes'?
Becky: 'I see bikes?' No, of course not, he said 'I see bites'. Tough mosquitoes are just out of control. Well, I got to go get Calamine Lotion. Ha, Ha. Tah tah.

Danny and Mrs. Caruthers move towards the kitchen....
Danny: You can't go in there. Move em, Move em, Move em. Move em on up to the Eastside, the deluxe apartments in the sky. Well, I miss the Jeffersons' don't you? How many Lionels' were there, do you remember?
Mrs. Caruthers:One mystery at a time, Mr. Tanner. Hey, how's that command post coming Deputy Gibler?
Kimmy:We are cookin' chief.
Stephanie: Hey listen. Three more bikes got stolen.
Kimmy:We know. That why we're here, smallfry.
Steve: One little girl lost her zest for reading.
Danny: She's zestless?
DJ: And look at this picture of the person who took the Schultz' bike? He looks exactly like Uncle
Danny: Uncle Seymore. Yes Uncle Seymore. That looks exactly like Uncle Seymore. If he weren't a priest in Athens, he would be a suspect. Take these up to Uncle Semore.
DJ: Uncle who?
Danny: Just do it.
DJ: What are all these bikes doing here. Your Uncle Seymore.
Steve: But he lives in Greece.
Jesse: Doesn't look nothing like me. Sideburns unbalanced.
Michelle: Well, I'm going to pack.
Stephanie: Where you going?
Michelle: The Slammer!

We find the family upsatirs with the bikes...
Joey: These posters have addresses on them.
Jesse: We'll take all the bikes back to these addresses.
DJ: Wait, the Crime Catchers are in the kitchen.
Jesse: Then we'll take them out the front door. Everyone grab a bike.
Joey: Why don't you have a bike?
Jesse: Because I'm carrying the fliers.
Joey: Oh!
Jesse: Hurry, hurry, hurry. Shh!

The doorbell rings....
Joey: Jess, do you think we can pull this off?
Jesse: Absolutely not. Back up, back up. (He opens the door) Yeah what do you want, sir?
Leonard: I'm Leonard Schultz, Davey's father. I'm looking for a guy named Jesse. Took my kids bike. He looks exactly like you.
Jesse: No he doesn't look like me. The sideburns are totally uneven, mine are even.
Leonard: Sorry.
Jesse: Yeah, okay.
Leonard: Who are you anyway?
Jesse: Oh, I'm Joey.
Leonard: I sit right here and wait for Jesse. There's a couple of things I want to impress upon him.
Jesse: Like what?
Leonard: My right fist and my left fist.
Jesse: Danny, this is Leonard Schultz Davey's father. He's looking for Jesse, who is nowhere to be found, thank God, because Leonard here has a bone to pick with Jesse, and we all know how painful bone picking is.
DJ: Joey?
Joey & Jesse: Yes!
Joey: Oh, she was calling for you wasn't she?
Michelle: Cool, I want to play. I want to be D.J.
Jesse: There is no time to play. This is Leonard Schultz, Davey's father.
Michelle: Davey's father? Ah, gotta go.
DJ: Who's Davey?
Michelle: Someone with a real big Dad.

Upstairs....
Michelle: You get that bike back before Leonard smashes Uncle Jesse.
Stephanie: You should see this guy. There will nothing left but a puddle of mousse.
Steve: So how do we get the bikes out of here?
DJ: I've got a plan.

Meanwhile downstairs...
Danny: For the 100 time, I don't know anything.
Mrs. Caruthers:I don't believe it.
Danny: it's the truth I tell you.
Mrs. Caruthers:You mean to tell me that Joey has never mentioned me passing lunch. Oh, my scanner.

DJ and Stephanie walk into the kitchen....
DJ: Hey everyone, someone here has a card trick that she would like to show you. I wish I could stay and see it.
Danny: Steph, this isn't a good time.
Stephanie: Trust me Dad, it is. Ok prepare to be amazed. Kimmy, pick a card memorize it and put it back in the deck.
Kimmy:(whisper) 5 of clubs, 5 of clubs, 5 of clubs, 5 of clubs.
Stephanie: Okay, watch me shuffle.
Mrs. Caruthers:We don't have time for this.
Danny: Nonsense, there is always time. It's an excellent trick. Steph, go go go.

Steph gets the deck of cards, while outside the bikes are being lowered....
Stephanie: Kimmy, is this your card?
Kimmy:No.
Stephanie: Is this your card?
Kimmy:No.
Stephanie: Is this your card?
Danny: Excellent. Bravo.
Kimmy:But she didn't even find my card.

Steve rushes into the kitchen...
Steve: Mr. Tanner, I hope you weren't to attached to that big ceramic planter?
Kimmy:That was the worst card trick I've ever seen.
Stephanie: Okay Kimmy, if you would please check your pockets.
Kimmy:All I have here is a stick of gum.
Stephanie: Thank you and goodbye.
Danny: Bravo. Bravo.

In the living room....
Leonard: So that's why I retired from the ring.
Joey: Wow, you quit boxing because it wasn't violent enough. Fascinating story, huh Joey?
Jesse: Yeah Danny, I'm shaking with fascination.
Becky: Would someone please tell me what is going on?
Leonard: Mrs. Donaldson!
Becky: Leonard!
Jesse: How do you two know each other?
Becky: Leonard's my butcher. You should see what this guy can do with a clever.
Leonard: So this is where you live? I always wanted to meet my husband. What was his name?
Jesse: Joey!
Becky: Ah yes this is my husband. (She points at Joey)
Leonard: I thought that was Danny?
Becky: You didn't let me finish. This is my husbands best friend Danny. This is my husband.
Jesse: Right, hug.
Becky: I'm still Becky, right.
Jesse: Right.
Nicky: Jesse, Jesse.
Leonard: Hey, that kid's calling you Jesse.
Jesse: No, its just a crazy name that me and him always do. Last week he was calling everyone Frankie. Now young man you know my name is Jesse.
Nicky: But Jesse, I love you!
Jesse: Leonard, I'm not going to lie in front of my own kid. I'm Jesse.
Leonard: Not for long. (he grabs Jesse around the neck)
Jesse: Leonard, Leonard!
Danny: (rushing in) What's going on in here?
Leonard: This guy stole my kids bike.
Jesse: No, no this is all a big misunderstanding. The bikes are upstairs.
Leonard: Why didn't you say so?
Jesse: Because I couldn't breathe.
Leonard: Going up!
Danny: There being returned to their rightful owners right now.
Jesse: Oh!
Danny: D.J, Steve, this is Leonard Schultz, he is looking for his kids bike.
Steve: Bike? D.J., do you know anything about a bike?
DJ: Ah, I used to have a bike.
Leonard: Lift off.
Mrs. Caruthers: (Walking in) Attention, the bikes are back.
Jesse: Oh, thank God.
Kimmy:It just came in on the scanner. All the bikes are back to their rightful owners.
Becky: See Leonard, no harm done.
Jesse: Just a few ribs broken.
Leonard: Sorry buddy.
Jesse: Its okay, Leonard. Leonard, Leonard, the hair. I know its not your thing.
Mrs. Caruthers:Lets mark this case closed.
Jesse: Alright.
Michelle: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! The case isn't closed. My bike's still stolen!
Derek: (walking in with a bike) No it isn't.
All: What?
Michelle: My Kermit sticker. This is my bike!
Derek: You left it at my house last week. Remember? It was raining cats and dogs. My mother gave you a ride home.
Michelle: Oh yeah. I forgot. My bike's been at your house the entire time. Isn't that funny? Huh, huh, huh.
Danny: Oh yeah are the words for it. Since I caused everyone so much trouble, I'm taking everyone for frozen yogurt.
All: Yeah. Alright.
Leonard: With sprinkles?
Danny: You got it big guy.
All: Yeah, lets go.
Becky: Deej, could you go upstairs and get Alex?
Mrs. Caruthers:Joey, since this is all over, I think you should be debriefed.
Joey: Really, I don't like the sound of that.
Jesse: Crazy day, huh Michelle?
Michelle: Yeah. I'm sorry I made everyone look for my bike.
Jesse: Oh that's alright. We did it because love you.
Michelle: Next time, I will remember where I put my stuff.
Jesse: Very good. Now come on, lets go get some ice cream.
Michelle: Hey, my blue jacket's gone. I put it right there. Someone stole it.
Jesse: Michelle? (he points at her jacket, on her middle)
Michelle: Oh, never mind.

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Mrs. Caruthers Marcia Wallace
Leonard Schultz: Rick Zumwalt
Davey Schultz: Ryan Sheets
Derek:Blake McIver Ewing