Full House Scripts - Season 8

Teaser

We find Becky and the twins in the living room
Becky: What does that spell ?
Nicky: Mom.
Becky: Mom, that's very good.
Michelle walks in...
Michelle: Hey guys, check this out. I can mak Comet do all these tricks without even talking to him.
Alex: She's got to be kidding.
Becky: Give her a chance guys, I'd like to see this.
Michelle: I only use handsings. Watch and be amazed. Ready Comet ? Watch me now.
Michelle puts her arms down, and Comet lies down. When she lifts her arms again, he sits up again. She waves her arms and he barks.
Michelle: Good boy
Becky: That's very good Michelle. Kinda like your own doggy remote control.
Alex: We can do that!
Michelle: It's not as easy at it looks.
Nicky: Watch and be amazed.
Nicky and Alex start pointing with at their heads and dance around. Comet gets confused, starts chasing his own taile, stands up against the table and runs around on the same spot...
Michelle: Woa guys, slow down!
Becky: Looks like he blew a fuse.

In the kitchen. Back door knocks, Stephanie opens.
Stephanie: Oh, hi Nelson.
Nelson: Hey Steph.
Stephanie: Come in.
Nelson: Thanks.
Stephanie: This is a surprise.
Michelle: Yeah, I thought DJ dumped you.
Nelson: Well, she did.
Michelle: Then I thought she dumped you again.
Nelson: Well, once again, she did.
Stephanie: You know, I've heard of on-again off-again relationships, but you guys should be attached to the clapper. Claps twice.
Nelson: No, no, don't worry, I've learned my lesson. From now on we're just friends, buddies, pals, nothing that's any fun for me.
DJ comes downstairs.
DJ: Nelson, I just got off the phone with you. How did you get here so fast?
Nelson: I called you from my Limo in your driveway.
DJ: Well, what's this big exciting news you wanted to tell me about?
Nelson: Well, my cousin Regina is flying in from England co-ordinating the reception for the Queen's visit to San Fransisco and I just thought that I'd invite you to go with me. As friends.
DJ: Wow, the queen? That's incredible!
Joey walks in.
Joey: Hey.
Michelle: Joey, DJ's going to meet the queen England! Maybe she'll let you try on her crown!
Joey: Yeah, ask her if its one of those one-size-fits-all crowns with the plastic adjustable strap in the back.
Nelson: Actually Joey, why don't you ask her yourself? Because you know my cousin Regina is flying in from England and she doesn't know anybody in San Fransisco, and she did ask me to find her a date.
Joey: Yeah? Well, what's she look?
Nelson: Does it matter?
Joey: Not really.
Joey goes upstairs.
Kimmy and Duane come in.
Kimmy: Hey, guys. Hey, Nelly-boy! Back for another dumping?
Nelson: It's good to see you too, Kimmy.
Kimmy: Hey, I want you all to meet my steady, Duane. He pinned me, but I came back and took him the next two falls.
DJ: So you're Duane. It's nice to finally meet you.
Duane: Whatever.
Kimmy: Duane just finished trade school. He's going into the plumbing business with his dad. He's the toilet doctor.
Stephanie: [to Duane] So that would make you the toilet intern!
Duane: Whatever.
Danny walks in
Danny: Hey everybody. Guess what I found in the mailbox.
Kimmy: Half a cheese wheel and an empty can of Fresca?
Danny: Well, under Kimmy's trash was a letter from a place I like to call Stanford University.
DJ: Stanford? Oh my gosh, this is my first choice. I've wanted to go there forever! [To Danny] You open it; I'm too nervous.
Danny is opening and reading the letter.
Danny: Stanford. This would be so perfect. It's a great school, close to home... b-but, not nearly as close as Burkley, who had the right sense to accept you.
DJ: I didn't get in?
Danny: Sorry, Deej.
Nelson: Deej, I'm sorry. Is there anyone I can call? Write? Buy?
DJ: I can't believe it. Stanford is the only school I ever wanted to go to.
Kimmy: I'm sorry you didn't get in Deej. You should have done what I did when I applied there; include a crisp 20 dollar bill with the application. Come on, Duane, I feel lucky. Let's go check the mail.
Duane: Whatever.
Kimmy and Duane leave.

In DJ's room. Stephanie comes in.
Stephanie: Hey Deej, you okay? Anything I can do for you?
DJ: Yeah, you can scratch the Stanford bumper sticker off the car.
Stephanie: Oh, I already did. And the one on the lawn mower.
Kimmy enters.
Kimmy: You guys aren't gonna believe this. Stanford turned me down too!
Stephanie: [Sarcastically] I for one am shocked. So, did they send your 20 dollars back?
Kimmy: Actually, they sent me 40, with a note saying 'Lets pretend this never happened.'
DJ: I'm sorry, Kimmy. I know how you feel.
Kimmy: No you don't. At least you got into Burkley. I'm going nowhere. I'm a total reject. My life is officially over. I'm too tall to be a jockey, and too short for the NBA.
Stephanie: You were absent on career day, weren't you?
Jesse enters.
Jesse:Oh, hey Deej, I heard about Stanford. I'm sorry.
Kimmy: Hey, how about a little sympathy for me? I got turned down by California.
Jesse: The University of California?
Kimmy: No, every college in California.
Jesse: [Sarcastically] Gee Kimmy, that's too bad, and after all that hard work in High School.
DJ: Well, I had my heart set on Stanford. Now don't know where to go to school or what to do with my life.
Jesse: That's okay, Deej. Take a negative and turn it into a positive. You have a whole plethora of things you can do. A whole cornucopia of opportunities. You know, you have to carpedium, if you will. Seize the day. I say, I say pick a road and ease on down it. I mean, if you want to go to Burkley, go to Burkley. If you want to go to another college, you can go to another college. If you want to jump a steamer and travel the world, I say hey babe, go for it.
Stephanie: Or you can marry Nelson and have him pay for all that stuff.
DJ: You know, the way I feel right now, that doesn't sound half-bad.
Kimmy: I wish I had someone like Nelson to fall back on.
Stephanie: [Sarcastically] Ah, but you have Mr. Personality.
Kimmy: Yeah that's all I have. A man with a plunger and wet socks. Pretty soon I won't even have my best friend.
DJ: What are you talking about?
Kimmy: Come on, Deej. You know you're going to go to college somewhere. You'll meet some new smart friends and forget all about me. Let's face it; life together as we know it is over.
Stephanie: That's got to brighten your day a little.
Jesse laughs but pretends he's not as DJ looks at him.

In the kitchen.
DJ: Comet, stop staring at me, I'm not going to drop the sandwhich.
Comet continues to stare.
DJ: Comet, stop staring. You're worse than Joey. All write. [Sarcastically] Whoops. Drops her sandwhich.
Door knocks.
DJ: Come in.
Nelson enters.
Nelson: Hey Deej. I just brought a book over for Joey on what to do when you meet the queen.
DJ: Oh really, what's it called.
Nelson: 'What To Do When You Meet The Queen'. Is Joey here?
DJ: No, the whole family went to the mall. I just wanted to stay home and think about school.
Nelson: You're still feeling bad?
DJ: Well, I'm feeling better. My Uncle Jesse was right; I do have options. Burkley's a great school, and there are a bunch of others I haven't heard from. I'm moving out of depressed, and well on my way to slightly bummed.
Nelson: Well, I have something that will take you past slightly bummed, through okey-dokey, all the way to perky! Remember you were worried about what to wear when you meet he queen? Holds out jewelry box.
DJ: Nelson! Diamond earrings? You shouldn't have!
Nelson: I didn't. Those are just a loan... you dumped me, remember?
DJ: Well, at least for one night I'll have earlobes of the rich and famous.
Phone rings.
DJ: Oh... um... just... Gives earring to Nelson and picks up phone.
DJ: Hello?
Kimmy: [On the phone] Deej! I'm about to become a blushing bride! Or as Duane calls it, a flushing bride!
DJ: Kimmy, there must be a bad connection. I could have sworn you said 'bride'.
Kimmy: You heard right, bachelorette number one! I asked Duaney-poo to marry me and he said yes! Well, actually, he said 'whatever' but here we are at the create-your-own-wedding chapel in Reno! Cool, huh?
DJ: Kimmy, what are you doing? You don't love Duane!
Kimmy: I know! Wish me luck!
DJ: Kimmy, wait! Um... we promised if we ever got marries, we'd be each other's bridesmaids.
Kimmy: Yeah, that's true, but you're there and I'm here.
DJ: Well, I'll be there okay? Just don't do anything until I get there.
Kimmy: Hey, this works out great! If I don't use their bridesmaid, I'll save 12 bucks! Hangs up.
DJ: [To Nelson] Kimmy's getting married!
Nelson: To what?
DJ: She's making a terrible mistake. I have to find out when the next plane leaves to Reno.
Nelson: 15 minutes.
DJ: What, you memorized the schedule?
Nelson: No, we'll take my plane. It leaves when I tell it to.
DJ: Great, I just have to write my family a note. [Writing] Kimmy's getting married... went to Reno with Nelson... Love, DJ. [To Nelson] Oh, gosh I smudged it all up because of the grease from that sandwhich.
Nelson: No, no, it's fine. This is an emergency, neatness doesn't count. I have hot towels in the Limo. Let's go.
DJ: Great. We've got to stop that wedding.
DJ and Nelson Leave.
Comet takes the note and chews it up.

In the kitchen. Jesse is peeling potatoes.
Becky: [To Jesse] Why are you-honey! You're doing it the wrong way.
Joey comes downstairs in a suit.
Joey: Okay guys, how do I look? And be brutal.
Jesse: Now I know why they call it a monkey suit.
Becky: Don't listen to him, Joey. You look very dashing.
Joey: I wish I felt dashing. I'm so nervous I'll make a mistake when I meet the Queen.
Becky: Joey, don't worry about a thing. When you meet the Queen, all you have to do is stand there. You're not from England so you don't have to bow... and don't speak unless you're spoken to.
Jesse: You been meeting queens and not telling me?
Becky: No, I read this book. I found it on the table. Nelson must have brought it over. [Reads inside cover] 'To Nelson. Love, the Queen, P.S. thanks for the loan.'
Jesse: It doesn't say that!
Becky: Right there!
Michelle comes down.
Michelle: Joey, could you get a picture of the Queen for me? It's for my collection.
Joey: When did you start collecting pictures of the Queen?
Michelle: As soon as you push this button.
Joey: Well, I'll give it a shot. Wish me luck, I'm off to meet the Queen. Hip hip, Cheerios. Cap'n Crunch. Trix are for kids. I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Leaves.
Jesse: Why do I feel like the Queen needs the luck?
Danny walks in with Comet.
Danny: Michelle, I think you better Comet. He was licking the TV during an Alpo commercial.
Jesse: He probably got that from Joey. He does the same thing during Baywatch.
Michelle: Come on, Comet. I'll get you dinner. We can watch it make its own gravy.
Stephanie comes downstairs and picks up jewelry box.
Stephanie: Oh, hey! A present for me! Oh, it's empty. Here Aunt Becky, it's for you.
Michelle: Dad, I found this in Comet's dish. I think someone sent him a letter.
Danny: It's all smudged and chewed up. [Reading] Getting married... Reno... Nelson... Love, DJ...
Becky: It can't be.
Danny: Yeah, I know. Why would Janet Reno marry Willie Nelson?
Becky: Well that's one explanation. But it sounds to me like DJ went to Reno to marry Nelson.
Danny: That makes even less sense than what I just said.
Jesse: Yeah, Danny, that doesn't make any sense. I wouldn't worry if I were you. [To Stephanie] You don't think she bought it, do you?
Danny: What? What seriously?
Jesse: Nothing.
Danny: What?
Jesse: Nothing.
Danny: What?!
Jesse: Hey! I just told her that she had a whole plethora of opportunities, that's all. She was the one that told her to marry Nelson.
Stephanie: Who knew that after 13 years of not listening to me, she'd start now?
Danny: Come on. I knew DJ was worried about the Stanford rejection, but running off and getting married?
Becky: Well, that explains this old jewelry box; it was for an engagement ring.
Danny: This is some sort of joke, right? Oh, come on. She's probably right outside that door now and she's just gonna pop her head in and yell 'Gotcha!'
Jesse: Should we take your car to the airport or mine?
Danny: Let's take yours, they say you shouldn't drive during a nervous breakdown.
Danny and Jesse leave.

At the Queen's Visit.
Joey: Mmm, shepherd's pie, yorkshire pudding. My guess is, you people just don't like dogs.
Regina: Well, I wonder where Cousin Nelson is. I want to thank him for bringing us together.
Joey: He probably got wind of the bow-wow buffet, and stopped off and got a burrito. Well, shall we? Oh, look its one of those Buckingham Palace guards. I heard you can do anything to these guys and they won't move.
Regina: Let's not do anything to embarrass ourselves... or our dates.
Joey: Oh this will be fun. Watch. [Imitating Sylvester] Suffering Succotash. You sir, are inscrutable.
Guard doesn't move
Joey: Wow, you guys are amazing! Nothing gets to these guys!
Guard kicks Joey behind his back.
Announcer: Her majesty, the Queen!
Regina: Joey, the Queen's coming.
Everyone stands in a line, and the Queen walks by everyone, shaking hands.
Joey: Nice to meet you. Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to talk, was I? I'm just so nervous. Did you kick me in the butt? No, it couldn't have been you. You'd have someone else do it, right? A nobleman likes Lord Kick-me-in-the-butt. Pulls of glove while shaking the Queen's hand. Oops, I'm sorry! You know, if you put a little velcro around your wrist, that wont happen anymore.
Queen continues walking, shaking hands.
Joey: Oh my gosh, I forgot Michelle's picture. Uh, your majesty, wait! All right, nobody move. Freeze everyone, I just want to get one shot!
Joey takes out Michelle's camera as the guards tackle him onto the floor.
Joey: I can get double prints of that if you guys like.

At the wedding chapel.

Minister: And as you promise to kling onto each other for the rest of your life, I now pronounce you Captain and Vulcan.
DJ: Kimmy, all I am saying is just think about what you're doing.
Kimmy: I am thinking. And I think the Star Trek wedding looks nice.

Minister: Live long. And pay the cashier on your way out.
Kimmy: How about Friday The 13th? I bet not many people do that one.
Nelson: Sounds like a save bet.
Kimmy: What do you think, Duane?
Duane: Whatever.
DJ: Kimmy, if you don't get on that place with me and come home right now, you're going to regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But the day after that you're going to be miserable.
Kimmy: I've made up my mind, Deej. I'm going through with this. I'm tired of being a loser. Maybe if I marry Duane I'll be a winner. So either go home, or stay and be my victim of honor.
DJ: All right. Let's get ready for the most romantic day of your life.

Minister: Friday The 13th. Excellent choie.
DJ: Kimmy, you look so beautiful. I'm gonna cry.

Minister: Shall we begin?
Man starts chainsaw.

Minister: Dearly departed, we are gathered here today-
Kimmy: Hey, hey! Kill the chainsaw, the fumes are gonna make me hurl! I paid $29.95, and I want it to be special!

Minister: [Without chainsaw] Dearly departed, we are gathered here to bring together-
Danny and Jesse run in.
Danny: Here they are! Okay, stop this wedding!
Jesse: Or call 9-1-1.
Danny: [To DJ] Thank goodness we found you. Why are you doing this? Why would you want to get married?
DJ: I'm not getting married, Kimmy is!
Danny and Jesse: Kimmy?
Jesse: Oh, then by all means, continue. I think this is the bride's side here.
DJ: Didn't you guys read my note?
Jesse: We did, but after Comet slobbered all over it, it kind of lost something in translation.
Kimmy: Hey! I'm trying to get married here!
DJ: You guys, Kimmy is throwing her life away. Can't you talk to her? She won't listen to me.
Kimmy: You want us to talk to Kimmy? I've spent the last 8 years trying to avoid her.
Danny: I don't know what I'd say.
DJ: Well, what were you going to say to me?
Danny: Well, I did write some notes on the airplane on this airsick bag.
DJ: Great. Hey Kimmy, before you do this, just listen to my dad and Uncle Jesse.
Kimmy: Well, okay, but make it quick. I'm getting a splitting headache.
Danny: All right, I'll tell you what I was going to tell DJ.
Jesse: We'll put in a few modifications to... you know.
Danny brings over a fake electric chair to sit on.
Danny: This thing's not on is it? Okay... uh... you're making a terrible mistake, DJ.
Jesse: Uh... he means Kimmy.
Danny: Um... you know how much we love you.
Jesse: We tolerate you the best we can.
Danny: There's a whole world of opportunities still open to you.
Jesse: There's still a few chances you haven't blown.
Kimmy: Guys, forget it. Face it, I've got nothing going for me but plunger boy. [To Duane] Love you, sweetheart!
Duane: Whatever.
Danny: This isn't working.
Jesse: What we're tying to say here is that we... we... we-we c-care about you...
Kimmy: You do? I can't believe what I'm hearing!
Jesse: I can't believe what I'm saying... Listen, the point is that we don't want you to do something that you're gonna regret, okay? Now look inside your heart. If you really, really deep down inside love this... this Duane guy, then I say what the heck, start up the chainsaw and get married.
Danny: But don't do it if you're trying to run away from your problems or you're looking for the safe way out or you just want to make sure you have a plumber at 3 in the morning.
Kimmy: Wait a minute, I'm starting to get the idea that you don't think I should get married.
DJ: Kimmy, let's do this without the hatchet. You know this wedding is a bad idea.
Kimmy: Yeah, I know. You guys are right. I guess I do have other options. I just can't think of any right now.
DJ: Kimmy, you can go to summer school and get your grades up. And go to a community college.
Kimmy: Yeah, but Deej, it still wont be the same without you. I'm really gonna miss you. Who am I going to hang out with? Talk to about boys? Copy my homework from?
DJ: Kimmy, no matter where we are, we're always going to be friends. Nothing's ever going to change that.
Kimmy: You're right. Thanks, Deej.
DJ and Kimmy hug.
Kimmy: How am I going to break it to Duane? He'll be heartbroken.
Jesse: Oh, let me take care of this one. Oh, Duane? Duane. Listen, Duane, Uh, I don't know how to break this to you but uh... the wedding's off, kid.
Duane: Whatever.
Jesse: [To others] He's taking it a lot harder than I thought.

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Nelson: Jason Marsden
Duane: Scott Menville
Minister: Jim Hudson
Regina: Bren McKinley
Queen Elizabeth: From Ron Smith's Celebrity look-alikes