Full House Scripts - Season 8

Teaser:

We find Joey sleeping on the counter in the kitchen, as Jesse, Becky and the twins enter...
Becky: All right guys, what do you wanna eat this mor..ning?
Jesse: How about the grand slob breakfast?
Becky: Yeah, and it's moon side up.
Jesse: Well, he's obviously had a rough night, I'd say we wake him gently. (He takes a pan and hits it with a wooden spoon, next to Joey's ears)
Joey: (Sleepy, imitating Popeye) Oh, ring my bell, Olive.
Becky: Let me try. (Imitating Bugs Bunny, next to Joey's ear) Uh, what's up Doc?
Joey: (Imitating Yosemite Sam) Woa, I hate that wabbit, well, if I get my hands on him...
The twins start laughing...
Joey: What are you guys doing in my bedroom?
Nicky: Joey, we eat here.
Alex: I can even put my elbows on the table.
Joey: Well, for your information, I have been up all night inventing.
Jesse: Funny, I would have guessed bingeing.
Joey: Oh, scoff if you like, using my own ingredients, I have combined the old world charm of Silly Putty, with the whimsical innocence of Playdo. I give you Silly do.
Jesse: I give you a coupon for shock therapy.
Joey: Come on boys, you can be my official product testers.
Nicky: What do I have to do?
Joey: Just play with this stuff.
Alex: I like this job.
Becky: Now watch him close, we don't want a big mess.
Joey: Oh, I'll keep an eye on them.
Becky: I was talking to Nicky and Alex.
Joey: (Walking into the living room) Come on boys, throw your heads back and laugh. Ha.
Nicky: Ha.
Alex: Ha.

In the kitchen, Jesse, Becky and Danny are making breakfast, as Stephanie and Michelle Enter
Michelle: What are you making for our breakfast dad?
Danny: Something to go kids, we're running late.
Michelle: But I want Belgian waffles, apple-smoked bacon and sour dough toast, lightly buttered .
Stephanie: Yeah and I want straight A's, world peace and Brad Pitt, lightly buttered.
Danny: No buttered bread, and definitely no buttered brad! We only have time for something. you can stick your finger through. Ladies. (Danny puts a bagel on Michelle and Stephanie's fingers)
Michelle: Tomorrow I'm gonna get up early and cook my own breakfast. Wait a minute, I don't even know how to cook!
Becky: Oh Michelle, I'll teach you how to cook .
Jesse: Oh that's sweet honey, but who's gonna teach you?
Danny and Jesse exchange looks and muffled giggles
Becky: Come on, stop teasing me, I'm a great cook. Remember that sausage and lima bean .casserole I made, I called it my Sunday surprise.
Danny: We called it our Monday surprise.
Jesse: I was still getting surprised on Tuesday.
Becky: Well I bet you won't be getting surprised tonight.
Jesse: Owwww! Check please!
Becky: Michelle, what do you say, you and me, after school, making dinner.
Michelle: I'm there.
Danny: And we're late. Come on, bring your bagels, we'll eat in the car. Oh, bagel crumbs, better, bring my bagel buster (Picks up dust buster)
Becky: well you guys just wait and see, I'm gonna make you all eat crow.
Jesse: That's what I'm afraid of.
All leave except for Jesse who goes to the table and sits down
Jesse: Oh finally, peace and quiet
Kimmy enters
Kimmy: (Shouting) DJ!
Jesse falls of the chair
Kimmy: Hmm, I don't remember that ugly fur rug being there.
DJ enters
DJ: Hi Kimmy, I have a great idea for our senior class prank.
Kimmy: Great, I'm all ears .
Jesse: Actually you're all mouth.
DJ: OK here it goes. We print up our own copy of the school newspaper with fake stories and switch it with the real ones.
Kimmy: We have a school newspaper .
DJ: Of course, where do you get all of your information from?
Kimmy: The bathroom wall .
DJ: How's this for a headline. Principal Robolard sent to his own office for Xeroxing his butt.
Kimmy: That's about as exciting as fat-free gravy .
DJ: Uncle Jesse, what do you think of my idea?
Jesse: Well, it's cute. I guess when we went to Bayview we were a little more outrageous. I remember one year we stole old Robolardie's toupee and ran it up the flagpole. The next day everyone was pledging allegiance to the rug. (demonstrating the hand movements) We were doing this and going like that.
Kimmy: Hair boy pulled the hair heist?! That prank is legendary .
DJ: how did you get that wig off his head?
Jesse: Fishing pole, chewing gum and a freeway overpass. Let's just say when Robolard went under in his convertible, his hair was the catch of the day.
DJ: Can you believe he still has that thing?
Jesse: Well you'd know why if you saw him without it. This guy is so bald, it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble. Haha!
DJ: I meant the car.
Jesse: Yeah, 1957 Chevy, that thing is a classic .
Kimmy: We gotta top this prank. I wanna leave more behind at Bayview than a D average and a locker full of odor eaters .
DJ: Kimmy, if I try to pull a prank off like Uncle Jesse's, I would be a nervous wreck. Robolard said if he catches anyone they won't graduate, it could blow your whole college career.
Jesse: I have an idea, don't get caught.
Kimmy: Deej, no-one ever gets caught, Robolard will be completely clueless.
Jesse: well all I'm saying is if your gonna do a prank make sure it's outrageous and one that people will remember.
Kimmy: come on Deej, listen to Uncle Brill cream. Straight A's last a semester, but a good prank lives forever.

Becky and Michelle are in the kitchen on the bench.
Becky: OK Michelle, now grandma's meat loaf was always everybody's favorite. All we have to do is follow the recipe. We'll start with the seasonings.
Michelle: One smidgen of ketchup. What's a smidgen?
Becky: A smidgen? Well that's about the size of a small pigeon. OK what's next?
Michelle: A dollop of mustard .
Becky: A dollop. How much is in a dollop?
Michelle: I don't know, a bunch of smidgens?
Becky: Works for me. OK what have you got now?
Michelle: A smattering of egg and an inkling of onion .
Becky: Let me see that. (takes recipe off Michelle) a sprinkling of parsley, seasoned to taste
Michelle: Taste like what?
Becky: Who can tell from this recipe!

In DJ's room , Kimmy enters
Kimmy: Deej, our prayers have been answered
Duane enters
DJ: Apparently we had a bad connection .
Kimmy: Deej, my sweetie Duane just got a plumbing job at the construction site next to the school.
DJ: wow Duane, that's a lot of toilets to install. You must be really excited .
Duane: Whatever.
Kimmy: Duane can operate that big crane. Right Duane?
Duane: Whatever
DJ: Duane, is that all you say, whatever.
Duane: I guess.
Kimmy: Deej, don't you get it? For our prank we can hoist old Robolard himself up the flagpole!
DJ: Kimmy, the idea of the prank is to not let Robolard know who's doing it. I mean, he might get suspicious when he sees a big hook in his pants.
Kimmy: Are you gonna be a wimp your whole life? Don't you wanna do something wild and unforgettable like your Uncle Jesse?
DJ: Of course but...
Kimmy: Well, we have a crane, we have Duane and we have your brain. Hey! That almost rhymes!
Duane: I guess.
Kimmy: Come on Deej, this could be a classic.
DJ: A classic, this gives me an idea.

On the roof of the school, DJ is calling over the side of the roof to Duane on the ground
DJ: OK Duane, a little to the left. The left. Your left! The hot water side! Good now ease it down gently.
Robolard's car is gently let down on the roof
DJ: What I would give to see Robolard's face when he gets back from the away game.
Kimmy: Yeah, and his precious car is missing from its covered spot.
DJ: this is the senior prank no-one will forget.
Kimmy: What about your Uncle Jesse?
DJ: Uncle who?

In the kitchen, everyone is at the table except for DJ
Becky: Well, what do you think?
Nicky: You're a good cook momma.
Alex: Who knew?
Danny: Beck, that was really delicious. I'm amazed. Who knew?
Becky: Shall I consider that an apology or a compliment?
Danny: Both.
Becky: Thanks .
Joey: Man, am I bloated. (undoes his belt) That is about a four-notcher on the old belt let me tell you.
Michelle: Shall I consider that an apology or a compliment.
Stephanie: You should consider that a reason to stay single.
Danny: Do we have enough left for DJ?
Becky: Oh, I don't think she'll go hungry.
Becky pulls a giant meat loaf out of the oven
Jesse: Beck, that's not a meat loaf, that's a meat mountain!
Becky: Well, I forgot to take into consideration that Grandma's recipe was for the whole trailer park. Anyone else want a piece of the rock?
Everybody: (mumbling) No.
Comet barks and taps his bowl...
Becky: I think that we can spare a little. (she puts a bit into Comet's bowl) Would you like that here or would you like a doggie bag?
Jesse: Hey Beck, since I teased you so much about your cooking, I volunteer to do the dishes
Becky: Oh thanks honey, that's really sweet of you.
Danny: You are, you're very sweet
All get up and leave the table and head for the living room
Jesse: Hey, I wasn't the only one who teased her, how about some more volunteers please. Hey boys, how about a hand.
The boys clap...
Jesse: Gentlemen, that's an old joke.
Alex: New to us!
The boys run out of the kitchen, being chased by Jesse, as DJ and Kimmy enter the kitchen...
DJ: Uncle Jesse, we did it! We pulled off the greatest prank ever.
Kimmy: Yeah, this is way better than your toupee on a stick.
Jesse: Well I way doubt that but let's hear it.
DJ: We got a crane, and lifted Robolard's car onto the roof of the school.
Jesse: I always knew some day one crazy devil maniac would surpass my prank. I am proud to call that maniac my niece. Hug me!
DJ: Uncle Jesse it was unbelievable! Robolard is gonna freak out. Do you think Duane willtalk?
Kimmy: He doesn't even talk to me .
DJ: What a prank. It was unbelievable, it was outrageous. Everything went off perfectly.
Thunder and lightning goes off outside.
Jesse: It looks like you got that prank done just in time. It looks like it's about to pour any minute out there.
DJ: Oh my gosh Kimmy, Robolard's car is on the roof!
Kimmy: I know, I can't believe it either!
DJ: with the top down, the interior's going to be destroyed.
Kimmy: Wow, this prank is turning out to be great.
DJ: Kimmy, the idea of the prank was not to ruin his car, just ruin his day. We gotta get back there and put the top up. Wait, it's an automatic top and we need the keys. We're dead.
Jesse: maybe not yet, you know, I could hot-wire the car but we gotta hurry.
They leave the kitchen ...
DJ: how did you learn to hot-wire a car?
Jesse: Science project.

On the roof...
DJ: Uncle Jesse hurry up. I think I felt a rain drop.
Jesse: Just one minute here. (The car starts). Ha, there it is. Kid's still got it.
DJ: Thanks Uncle Jesse. I am so sorry I did this.
Kimmy: Hey, the security guard is coming!
DJ: now I'm really sorry I did this. What are we going to do?
Jesse: You guys hide, I'll take care of the security guard.
DJ: What about you?
Jesse: Don't worry about me. If you get caught you won't graduate. Go hide.
Security Guard: Hey, what's going on here? What the...! What are you doing here?
Jesse: Well, I got tired so I pulled over.
Security Guard: Oh, OK, we'll get some rest.
Jesse: Thanks.
Security Guard: Wait a minute! This is principal Robolard's car.
Jesse: So it is, so it is. Oh that's right I forgot, I parked mine on top of the gym. Oh well, have a nice night looks like rain, we'll see ya.
Security Guard: Hold on a minute, you're comin' with me.
Jesse: Come on, it was just a little prank where's your sense of humor?
Security guard picks up Jesse and leads him away
Jesse: Apparently you had it surgically removed at a young age.
DJ: Kimmy, this whole thing was our idea. We can't let Uncle Jesse take the blame for it.
Kimmy: well, he doesn't want you to take the blame for it. You'll be kicked out of school, you won't go to college, everything you've ever worked for will go down the drain.
DJ: Well what are they going to do to him?
Kimmy: Shave his head, toss him in the klink and make him listen to his own singing. Poor sap! Let's go get a burger.

Becky, Danny, Michelle and Joey are in the living room...
Danny: Becky, I can't believe how good that dinner was. If there was an Oscar for cooking, you'd win best performance by a loaf.
Becky: Thanks. You're so kind. I'd like to thank all the little people.
Michelle: That would be me.
Stephanie enters with Comet...
Stephanie: Dad, I think comet's sick.
Danny: What makes you say that?
Stephanie: Oh, I don't know. Something about the way he tossed his biscuits all over the rosebush.
Danny: (Stroking Comet), are you OK fella?
Stephanie: He was fine at dinner. I mean he really wolfed down that meat loaf
Joey: The meat loaf!
Becky: Hey, there's nothing wrong with that meat loaf. It just won an Oscar!
Joey: Oh no! Comet drinks out of the toilet, if the meat loaf's making him sick it's gonna kill us!
Danny: You know what? I'm starting to feel a little queasy myself.
Stephanie: I feel like I swallowed a brick!
Michelle: My stomach's getting all gurgly.
Becky: Oh come on guys, this is totally psychosomatic. It's all in your heads.
Joey: For now it is but pretty soon it's gonna be all over that rosebush!
Nicky and Alex enter...
Nicky: Momma, we feel bad.
Danny: It's all in our heads ha?
Becky: Nicky, Alex, do your tummies hurt?
Alex: No.
Becky: What's wrong?
Nicky: Someone ate all our silly dough!
Becky: They did?!
Alex: This is all that's left!
Becky: Let me see that. Well, there are teeth marks all over it, and slobber, and a blonde hair.
Stephanie: Joey??
Becky: (Inspecting Comet), Aha! Blue teeth, blue paws. Well either Comet ate the silly dough or he's been out chasing Smurfs.
Michelle: Is he going to be okay?
Joey: Comet's gonna be fine. Silly dough is non-toxic and 100% natural. Aww Comet, come here boy, see, he's starting to feel better already. (comet pants in Joey's face) Oh, you could use a little doggie mint, Peeyoo!

In Mr. Robolard's office...
Jesse: This is ludicrous, it's a travesty.
Security guard gives Jesse a confused look
Jesse: Raise your hand when I get to a word you recognize.
Security guard still looks blank. Then Mr. Robolard enters...
Security Guard: that's him Mr. Robolard
Principal Robolard: (pointing at Jesse) You.
Jesse: Me.
Principal Robolard: Jesse Katsopolis, what a long, overdue pleasure.
Jesse: Robolardo. I mean, Mr. Robolard, long time no see.
Principal Robolard: Not since the flagpole incident I believe.
Jesse: I don't know what you're talking about.
Principal Robolard: I think you do and this time I caught you. You put my car on the roof.
Jesse: Come on Robolard, what are you going to do? Phone my parents, put me on detention, make me write 500 lines, 'I will not put a car on the roof'? (starts to leave) See ya Robo.
Principal Robolard: Uh uh Mr. Katsopolis. The only way you're leaving is in the back of a police car.
Jesse: Police, why?
Principal Robolard: (starts to dial number) Trespassing, breaking and entering, grand theft auto.
Jesse: (hangs up phone) I didn't steal it I just lifted it .
Principal Robolard: OK, grand lift auto. Either way you're going where you belong.
DJ enters
DJ: Excuse me, Mr. Robolard?
Principal Robolard: DJ Tanner, what are you doing here?
DJ: this whole thing was my fault. I put your car on the roof.
Jesse: No no no. She's just a mad, crazy, college bound student who's trying to mess up her future. Before she even gets there. Go ahead, I'm to blame for this, call 1800-book-him. Go ahead.
DJ: Uncle Jesse it's OK, it's my responsibility.
Jesse: Oh Deej, come on even Robolard wouldn't believe you would do anything that crazy.
DJ: Mr. Robolard, why would I be in your office at night if I weren't involved in this.
Jesse: She is taking a remedial shop class with old 3 fingers McGee. (holds up 3 fingers)
Principal Robolard: Mr. Katsopolis, that course is no longer offered at night and since you left it's 2 fingers McGee.
Jesse: Guess he never got the hang of the jigsaw.
Principal Robolard: DJ, I still can't believe you're involved in a prank like this.
Jesse: Well she isn't. This is my fault OK? I'm the one who kept pushing her and goading her to do something outrageous. I mean if it were up to her she would have said you Xeroxed your butt. Look, I'm responsible, go ahead, call the police, book me, DJ, I'll see you on visitors day.
DJ: The truth is Mr. Robolard the only reason my uncle is here is to help me. If it wasn't for him the rain would have ruined your car. That's how we got the top up, he hot-wired the ignition.
Security guard looks at Jesse
Jesse: Science project
DJ: So if anyone should be punished, it should be me.
Principal Robolard: DJ, you had such a bright future, why did you do it?
DJ: Because I wanted to leave a legacy, do something outrageous. For once in my life I wanted to show everyone that I had guts.
Jesse: Well, you did Deej, coming in here and sticking up for me. That's about as gutsy as it gets.
Principal Robolard: And as brilliant! That was the best prank in the history of the school.
DJ: Really, I though you hated senior pranks!
Principal Robolard: The kids expect me to say that. I mean, what good is a prank if the principal approves?
DJ: So I'm not in trouble?
Principal Robolard: No. As long as you keep a straight face tomorrow when I chew out the senior class for this heinous and outrageous crime against authority.
DJ: Deal.
Jesse: Hold on a minute. Now how come when you though I did it you wanted to send me to jail?
Principal Robolard: Well there's a good reason for that.
Jesse: What's that?
Principal Robolard: I never liked you
Jesse: See he never...Why?
Principal Robolard: Because you've had the hair I wanted since I was a balding boy scout. And your hair's even gotten better while I've been stuck with this.
Mr. Robolard takes off his wig and Jesse pretends to be shocked
Jesse: Oh my... It's a wig!!
Kimmy enters
Kimmy: Mr. Robolard, it wasn't DJ who did this.
DJ: It's OK Kimmy, you don't have to take the wrap for this.
Kimmy: I'm not. I have the culprit right here.
Duane walks in...
DJ: Duane?
Duane: Whatever.

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Duane: Scott Menville
Principal Robolard: Oliver Clark
Security Guard: David Stenstrom