Full House Scripts - Season 8

Teaser:

We find Michelle in the living room with Comet playing jacks DJ Walks in.
DJ: Michelle, it's your turn to do the dishes.
Michelle: Start without me.
DJ: Hmmm. Hey, jacks! Gosh, I was never any good at that.
Michelle: Really? Want to play? Loser does the dishes.
DJ: Well, call me a sucker, but OK.
Michelle: Whoever picks up the most jacks in one bounce wins. I'll go first.
Michelle bounces and picks up four jacks.
DJ: Wow, four jacks. That's going to be hard to be beat. Well, here goes.
DJ bounces and picks up all of the jacks.
DJ: Wow! What do you know? I got them all!
Michelle: You tricked me!
DJ: Don't forget to dry.
Michelle leaves.
DJ: ( To Comet) You see, Comet, never mess with the kid.

We find DJ in her room. Stephanie walks in...
Stephanie: Hey, Deej, remember that guy I was telling you about? Ryan? Captain of the track team?
DJ: You finally talked to him?
Stephanie: Well, almost. I dropped my pencil and he picked it up.
DJ: and...
Stephanie: He kept it!
DJ: You didn't say anything?
Stephanie: Well, I tried to. I mean, my brain said "speak" but my mouth was too busy grinning like an idiot.
DJ: Hey, why don't you invite him to that dance coming up?
Stephanie: Invite him? No, that would require talking and my mouth is just not co-operating
DJ: Write him a note.
Stephanie: He's got my pencil!
Danny walks in holding a cardboard box.
Danny: Hey, Steph. That food drop at your school's about to get a major donation. I just hit a mother load.
DJ: You cleaned out the cupboard?
Danny: No, Joey's foot-locker. There was a layer of underpants and then nothing but spam.

We find Jesse, Becky and a doctor in the kitchen.
Doctor: OK, Mr. Katsopolis, we're almost finished. There shouldn't be any problem with your new life-insurance policy. I just need to check your blood pressure.
Jesse: OK, check away. I'm in excellent health. Heart strong, lungs clear, hair perfect.
Doctor: Hmmmm.
Jesse: "Hmmm." What "Hmmm?" Split ends?
Doctor: Your blood pressure's a little over average.
Jesse: Why, thank you. I've always prided myself with being a cut above.
Becky rolls her eyes.
Doctor: Actually, it's not really a good thing. Have you been under any stress lately?
Jesse: Are you kidding? Mr. Rogers watches me to relax.
Becky: Jess, you have been under a lot of stress lately.
Jesse: What are you talking about?
Becky: Well, your radio show lost its biggest advertiser.
Jesse: So?
Becky: Well, I didn't want to mention the letter from the IRS
Jesse: What letter?
Becky: the one I don't want to mention. Well, they just had a little problem with you claiming your hairdryer as a dependent.
Jesse: It's got its own room.
Doctor: Mr. Katsopolis.
Jesse: What? What?
Doctor: I'll check your blood pressure again next week, but if it stays at this level, I'm afraid the company will be asking for a pretty high premium. If I were you, I'd take some quiet time and try to relax.
Becky: Thank you very much.
Doctor: (leaving) It's a pleasure.
Jesse: Relax. Relax. Nothing makes me more nervous than when someone tells me to relax.
Becky: Honey, you need to do something to try and reduce your stress level. You have to take care of yourself. Come on. I want us to grow old and grey together.
Jesse: Well, How about just old? Because as long as I've got a squeezed bottle and some rubber gloves, just call me Blackie.
Becky: "Blackie"

We find Stephanie and Gia at school talking to some girls
Girls: Seeya later, Steph.
The track team walk past and stop at their lockers.
Gia: There's Ryan. If you're really going to ask him to the dance, now's your chance. Go for it, Tanner.
Stephanie: I can't do this.
Gia: Come on, Steph. He's only a guy. They're just like us except they pants each other.
Stephanie: Yeah, you're right. OK, I can do this. All right, here goes nothing.
She walks up to Ryan and taps him on the shoulder.
Ryan: Yeah?
Stephanie starts coughing.
Ryan: Are you choking?
Stephanie: No, I'm just.... ( She continues coughing) um, I was wondering if you would like to go to the dance with me.
Ryan: you're asking me to the dance?
Stephanie: Yeah. Unless you don't want to, in which case, I'd like my pencil back.
Ryan: What pencil?
Stephanie: Never mind. Seeya.
Ryan: Wait. I'll go to the dance with you.
Stephanie: Really? Wow! Great! Bye.
Ryan: It might help if you told me your name.
Stephanie: Yeah, it might. Well, I'm Stephanie Judith Tanner and I live in 1882 Gerard Street and my turn-offs are smoking and open toed shoes, but if I keep going, I will have nothing to talk about at the dance. Bye. (To Gia) Yes!

Jesse is in the back garden with Nicky and Alex, building a hammock.
Jesse: Yes. See, boys, not only do I relax by building the hammock, but here's the beauty of it, once I've built it, I can relax in the thing that I built.
Nicky + Alex: Oh.
Alex: Do you know what he said?
Nicky: No, just keep nodding.
Joey comes in eating a "Hoho" chocolate bar.
Joey: Hey, Jess, you and I need to talk.
Jesse: Unless what you say will help me to relax I do not want to hear it. Now, all I have to do is put the final cap on and I will be relaxing in my hammock, peaceful and serene.
Joey: (lying in the hammock) Hoho?
Jesse: (Screaming) Out of the hammock!
Joey: Sheesh, what a grouch, eh, boys? Let's go, Alex, Trixie.
Jesse: Will you...! Alex! Trixie! Finally, some peace and quiet.

There's some loud Scottish music coming from the Gibblers' back garden.
Jesse: (Screaming) Gibbler!
Kimmy pops her head over the fence...
Kimmy: Greetings, Hair-mister.
Jesse: what are you killing back there?
Kimmy: (in a weird accent) I'm practicing the bagpipes for the Scottish music festival after school.
Jesse: That's not a Scottish accent.
Kimmy: I didn't say I was practicing my accent. Don't get your kilt in a knot, McGreasy. The festival's next week. After that this place will be quieter than Loch Ness.
Jesse: Yeah, but I'll still be stuck with a monster! I can't wait a week to relax, so take your bagpipes and blow!
Kimmy: Don't mind if I do. (She starts playing again.)
Jesse: Two can play this game, Gibbler! Two!

A little later, we find Jesse and Joey wiring in some speakers in the back garden. Kimmy's still playing the bagpipes.
Jesse: See, Joseph, I programmed all kinds of sampled sounds into my keyboard. I'm gonna blow Gibbler right out of the wire!
Joey: You know, Jess, this can't possibly be good for your blood pressure. you should really think about having a Hoho. I find that sucking out the cream filling is just dog-gone relaxing. Mmmm.
Jesse: Joseph, and I mean this in the nicest way, shut your Hoho hole!
Joey: Hoho hole secure, sir!
Jesse: All right, now watch the master. (He presses a key on his keyboard that makes an ambulance siren)
Kimmy: Hey! I'm trying to practice, Mouldylocks!
Jesse: Oh, yeah? (another key makes a jet plane sound)
Kimmy: I'm warning you. Cut out this racket right now!
Jesse: Or what? (pneumatic drill)
Kimmy: Fine, you want war, you got it!

Michelle and Comet walk into the living room where DJ is reading. Comet has a hula hoop in his mouth.
Michelle: OK, DJ. Hula hoop. Loser feeds Comet for a week.
DJ: Am I playing you or Comet?
Michelle: Me.
DJ: Well, in that case, let's make it two weeks. Thank you Comet, I'm just going to de-slobberize this. OK, Michelle, how do you want to do this? Neck? (She spins the hoop on her neck) Waist? Or feet?
Michelle: What'll it be, Comet, "Cibbles" or "Bits"? (They leave the room)
Danny and Stephanie come downstairs.
Danny: OK, Steph, first thing you do when you get to that dance is check all the fire exits. Keep your eye on your coat the entire night and if the Punch smells funny, don't drink it. But above all, have fun.
Stephanie: You must have been a real party animal, Dad.
Danny: in my day.
DJ: (examines Steph's face) Let's see, my lipstick, my eyeliner, my blush. I hope my face has a good time tonight.
Danny: What time's Ryan getting here?
Stephanie: Well, he's supposed to pick me up at seven so ( she checks her watch) it - it's 7:01, he's not coming.
DJ: No, no, Steph, don't panic.
Danny: I'm sure he's just running late, honey.
Stephanie: Yeah, you're right. I'll just sit here and chill a while.
She sits on the couch and starts building with the building blocks on the coffee table.

Much later Danny walks in.
Danny: Whoa! Would you look at that? The entire New York skyline, huh? There's the world Trade Centre, and that must be the Chrysler Building.
Stephanie: It's official. Ryan's not coming.
Danny: Steph, you don't know that for sure.
Stephanie: Dad, I was supposed to be home ten minutes ago.
Danny: Well, maybe something happened.
Stephanie: Something did happen. I've been stood up.

The next day, we find Steph and Gia walking down the school corridor.
Gia: you know, I can't believe that rat stood you up!
Stephanie: I know. I mean if he didn't want to go to the dance, he should at least have the guts to say so.
Gia: There he is.
Stephanie: I'm going to tell him off! And if he doesn't have a good excuse, you'd better put the nurse on call.
She walks up behind Ryan, then runs into the girls' toilets. Gia sighs and walks away.

Danny comes down the hall carrying the box of spam. Two guys from Ryan's team are in front of him
Guys: Hey Ryan! 3:30! Track practice.
Ryan: All right!
Danny: Excuse me, Ryan?
Ryan: Very cool! Spam delivers!
Danny: No, we don't. I mean they don't. Ryan, I am Danny Tanner, Stephanie Tanner's father.
Ryan: Oh yeah, listen, about the dance. All the guys in the track team decided to go to the movies and skip it. No big deal.
Danny: Let me ask you this, if all the guys in the track team decided to shave their heads, would you do that, too?
Ryan: Well, we did. Last year before the state finals.
Danny: OK, bad example.
Ryan: Mr. Tanner, it was nothing personal.
Danny: Maybe not to you. You didn't see Stephanie sitting on the couch all dressed up with no place to go.
Ryan: she took it pretty hard, huh?
Danny: she was devastated! It broke my heart to see the tears in her eyes.
Ryan: Oh, I didn't think I'd make her cry.
Danny: You didn't think about her feelings at all! Not only did you ruin her night, but you missed out on getting to know a really terrific person. Maybe next time, Ryan, you should think about someone besides yourself. Now if you'll excuse me I've got canned meat to deliver.

Joey and Jesse are in the back garden. Joey is listening into a cup pressed against the Gibblers' fence.
Jesse: Well, what do you hear?
Joey: Oddly enough, the ocean.
Jesse: Give me that! (He climbs into his hammock) What you hear is silence, because Gibbler has finally realized she is no match for the kid. Joseph, if you will...
Joey starts rocking the hammock. Suddenly they hear a loud screech from Kimmy's garden.
Jesse: Gibbler! What is that?
Kimmy: It's an ostrich. I borrowed him from my Uncle Yohan's budget safari. You wanted war, you got it.
Jesse: Strap a muzzle on that beak! And keep the bird quiet, too!
Kimmy: No can do. You see it's mating season, so you'll be hearing Oscar's love calls for the next 8 weeks.
Jesse: Eight weeks?
Kimmy: By the way, I suggest not wearing anything with feathers for a while.
Jesse: (to Joey) She thinks she can intimidate me with some squawking, long necked big-beaked...( the ostrich pops his head over the fence and pulls Jesse's hair) Ow! Ow! Ow! the hair! Sector 14!

Michelle walks into the kitchen where DJ is sitting by the counter.
Michelle: Oh, DJ, I finally found something I can beat you at. You're going down!
DJ: Give it up, Michelle. You're already doing all my chores till the end of the century.
Michelle: If you're so sure of yourself, how about double or nothing?
DJ: You're on, kid.
Michelle: Good, follow me.
DJ: OK, but don't forget, I'm older, I'm wiser....
They walk into the living room, where Nicky and Alex are holding up a pole.
Michelle: You're also taller. Let's get ready to Limbo!
DJ: Michelle, this is totally unfair!
Michelle: That's the beauty of it! (She turns on the Limbo music and walks under the pole Nicky and Alex are holding.)
Alex: DJ, your turn.
Nicky: how low can you go?
DJ: Not that low, I don't think my body bends that way anymore. OK Michelle, you win.
Michelle: Finally, I beat my big sister at something!
DJ: Michelle, that was sneaky and underhanded. I've taught you well. Congratulations.
Michelle: (to the twins) Come on, let's go Limbo Joey for his comic books.
Nicky: you are on the roll!
Danny: (comes downstairs) Hey, Deej, did I just hear Limbo music?
DJ: What you heard was the end of an era.
Stephanie: (walks in) Hey guys. The coolest thing happened today. Ryan apologized!
DJ: Really? What did he say?
Stephanie: Well, he said he's sorry about what happened, and he wants to make it up to me by buying me a pizza at the mall.
Danny: that is great, sweetheart. Maybe Ryan had a little chat with an older, sensible, wise-as-the-age role model who showed him the error of his ways.
Stephanie: Maybe he just likes me.
Danny: Or that.
Gia walks in.
Gia: Steph, I've got to talk to you.
Stephanie: Oh, and I have to talk to you. Ryan apologized.
Gia: I know. The whole school knows. Your dad chased him down the hall clobbered him with a canned ham and then shoved him in a locker!
Danny: It was not a canned ham, it was spam.
Stephanie: You clobbered him with spam?
Danny: I didn't clobber him with anything.
DJ: Dad, you went to her school? Hasn't she suffered enough?
Danny: I was there for the food drop and I bumped into Ryan and we had a little chat.
Stephanie: You talked to him? Oh no, what did you say?
Danny: Nothing. OK, I told him that what he did was wrong, and that he was missing out on knowing a really great person and that he really hurt you.
Stephanie: You didn't tell him I cried?
Danny: No! never! Course not! No way! Yeah, yeah, I did.
Stephanie: I want to transfer.
Danny: Steph, I'm not going to let you change schools.
Stephanie: I want to change dads!
Danny: Look, I didn't mean to embarrass you. It just hurt me to see how much he hurt you. I'm sorry. I hope someday you'll understand. (He walks away.)
Stephanie: the only thing I understand is I have to go eat pizza with a guy who's only talking to me because Dad threatened him.
DJ: Well, Steph, just talk to him and be completely honest - say dad was exposed to toxic cleaning fumes and has been disorientated for the past ten years. (She leaves, too)
Gia: Wait. Who says you even have to go?
Stephanie: Hey, you're right. I mean he doesn't want to be there, I don't want to be there. I'll do us both a favor and stand him up.

Jesse and Joey are still in the back garden.
Jesse: Joseph, this is beautiful just beautiful. I' finally going to get some rest in my own back yard. I'm going to build the ultimate soundproof wall all the way across here. Check this out. (He pops his head over the fence into the Gibblers' garden) Hey! Hey, stupid bird! Hey, let's see you get through this (he points the yellow helmet on his head) (to Joey) Let me tell you something, OK? That bird isn't going to mess with me he's going to end up in a bucket of KFC...(Oscar pulls Jesse's sleeve and pulls him over the fence. Bits of Jesse's clothes starts flying.) Joey, help!
Becky: (Walking out of the door) Wow! Oscar's mating call is louder than usual!
Joey: That's because he's found a mate!
Jesse climbs over the fence with all his clothes shredded.
Becky: Honey, are you OK?
Jesse: (spits out some feathers) I think so.
Kimmy: What did you do to my bird?
Jesse: Not half of what I'm going to do to you.
Kimmy: One step closer and you're ostrich-chow! (She whistles and Oscar pops his head over the fence. Jesse backs away)
Becky: Jess, you have let this thing get way out of hand. Now your blood pressure's probably off the charts!
Kimmy: Hellman Head's got high blood pressure? You ought to try to relax!
Jesse: That's why I was building the wall!
Becky: Kimmy, can we please put a stop to this? I am sure that you don't want to jeopardize Jesse's health.
Kimmy: Well, of course not! If he croaks, I can't bug him anymore.
Becky: You see, Jess? Underneath it all she really almost cares. And I know you almost care about her, so how about a truce?
Jesse: Well, she's got to agree to give me some peace and quiet.
Kimmy: what's in it for me?
Jesse: Well, I'll agree to ignore you and treat you like the irritating pest that you truly are.
Kimmy: well, OK. But on one condition.
Jesse: What's that?
Kimmy: Give me a hug, you big gullet!
Jesse: I'd rather take my chances with Oscar.
Becky: Jess, please. Let's stop the madness. Give her a hug.
Jesse hugs Kimmy. Oscar pops over the fence again.
Jesse: AAAAH! Becky! (he hugs Joey, then Becky)

Danny is reading in the living room when the doorbell rings. Danny answers it, and finds Ryan standing on the doorstep.
Ryan: I hope you're happy.
Danny: I'm not doing too badly.
Ryan: Stephanie stood me up.
Danny: Oh, I'm sorry, Ryan. There must be some kind of mix-up. Come on in. Steph, are you home?
Ryan: I sat at the mall for over two hours. The guy at the piano and organ store played "Mandy" 32 times!
Stephanie comes downstairs.
Stephanie: Ryan, what are you doing here?
Ryan: What are you doing here? You were supposed to meet me at the mall.
Stephanie: Listen, I know the only reason you asked me out was because my dad threatened you with a canned ham.
Danny: It was spam!
Ryan: uh, look, your dad didn't threaten me. He just made me realize what a rat I was to stand you up.
Stephanie: Really? and I guess I was a rat to stand you up.
Danny: Well, you know two rats don't make a wrong! Didn't make a lot of sense but it kind of fit, didn't it?
Stephanie: Listen, we kind of got off on the wrong foot, actually, we didn't off on any foot. Do you think we could start over?
Ryan: I'd like that. I'm Ryan, want to go get some pizza?
Stephanie: Yeah, OK. But it's on me. Dad?
Danny: Here's twenty grand, your inheritance. Bye, have fun.
Ryan and Steph leave. Steph comes back in and hugs Danny.
Danny: What's this for?
Stephanie: For being an involved, loving father, who sticks up for his daughter.
Danny: Thanks, honey.
Stephanie: But don't ever do it again!

***End ***

Guest Cast:
Gia: Marla Sokoloff
Ryan: Andrew Keegan
Doctor: Lisa Dinkins
Track member: Jamie Zwick
Hallway Friend: Hilary Zwick