Fan Fiction - Written by Martin van Dam - Season 9 |
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Episode (23) 215 - Diet Of The Brains
Teaser: We find Stephanie and the twins in the kitchen... Nicky: Comet can do a trick. Alex: He can count. Stephanie: No way boys. I know, he's a smart dog, but he can not count. Alex: Wanna bet ? Nicky: Watch this. Then Kimmy walks in... Kimmy: Hi boys, hi blondie! Stephanie: Hello, zombie. Kimmy: Is Deej around here ? Stephanie: No, she's shopping with Steve. Alex: Hey, we were going to show a trick. Nicky: Okay. Comet, how much is four times zero ? Comet keeps quiet... Kimmy: Gee,, that dog is stupid. Everybody knows that four times zero is twelve. Nicky: No, Comet was right, it's zero, so he didn't say anything. Kimmy: Four times zero is zero ? Are you sure ? Alex: Yes we are. Nicky: Okay, Comet, how much is 1 times two minus one ? Comet barks once... Kimmy: No way, that's not one. That's fifteen. Alex: Are you serious ? Kimmy: Yes I am, I learned how to count at school. Nicky: You are dumb. Stephanie: No Nicky, she is not dumb. She's just brainless. Kimmy: Thanks. Well, bye kiddo's Alex: How did she ver pass school ? Stephanie: I don't know, I guess she blackmailed her teachers by saying she would take off her shoes if she would fail. Nicky: I guess I would let her pass then. --------------------------------------------------- INTRO ----------------------------------------------------------------- We find Danny sitting in the living room when Gia and Stephanie walk in... Stephanie: Hi dad. Gia: Hi Mr. Tanner. Danny: Hi girls. Stephanie: Dad, can Gia and her mother have diner here tonight ? Gia: We're getting a brand new kitchen, so my mother can't cook. Danny: Sure, no problem. Stephanie: Great. And you know what, we will cook. Gia: We will ? Stephanie: Yes we will, remember ? Gia: No, I don't rem... Stephanie: Too bad for you. Gia: Gee, you're hard... Stephanie and Gia walk up the stairs. Then Michelle walks in... Michelle: Hi dad. Can I have 20 bucks ? Danny: No. Michelle: 10 ? Danny: That depends. Michelle: on what ? Danny: What you need it for and what you're going to do to earn it back. Michelle: Well, I want to buy a great cd. I already have some of the money for it. Danny: And how will you earn it back ? Michelle: (Smiles at Danny) I'm selling my lovely smile. Danny: No thanks, I already have a whole box full of smiles. No, what about washing my car ? Michelle: That's not hard. You do that every week. Danny: I know, and today is the day to do it, and you know what ? Stephanie drove it yesterday. Michelle: Oh no. Then Jesse runs into the living room... Jesse: We've got a big problem Danny. We need your emergency supplies of air freshener. Danny: Why ? Jesse: Kimmy hang her socks outside to dry. Michelle: What's so bad about that ? Danny: Emergency. I will check it out for you. We find DJ and Steve at the Mc Donalds... DJ: Steve, that's your fourth hamburger in five minutes. Steve: Hey, you ate three too. DJ: But I'm pregnant, you're not. Steve: I know, I'm just hungry. DJ: All the time. You have to do something about it. Steve: You don't know how hard I have to work to coach the junior baseball players. Yesterday, when we had a training, I had to run around the field three times. DJ: Why ? DJ: But why did you do it ? Steve: Because he had twisted his ankle, I can't let him run in that condition. DJ: Steve, I think your eating is getting a problem. Not for me, but for you. Steve: Why ? DJ: Well, it's getting an obsession for you to eat. I even think it already is. Steve: But I like it this way. DJ: Steve, if eating gets an obsession for you, what else ? Breathing ? Drinking ? Steve: Breathing ? How could that become an obsession ? DJ: Easy, you need more and more air, and finally you hire a tank filled with oxygen. Steve: DJ, this is crazy! DJ: No, I think you should do something about it. Steve: Like what, go on a diet ? DJ: Yes, that would be a solution. Steve: Well, I once tried that. DJ: And, what happened ? Steve: Nothing. After a week I started eating again and I ate all the things I had to miss that week after that week, so the problem grew. DJ: Maybe there's another solution. Steve: Like what ? DJ: I heard about a psychiatrist who is specialized in this subject. Steve: No way, I'm not going to see a shrink, I'm not crazy. DJ: Steve, do it for me, please. Steve: No Deej. DJ: (Crying) I knew it, you don't love me, you won't even go to a psychiatrist for me! Steve: Deej, calm down. People are staring at us. DJ: So what. Steve: Okay, if it makes you happy. DJ: Are you sure ? Steve: No, but you are. We find Stephanie and Gia in the kitchen... Gia: I think this is a great idea. It's such a long time ago they were together alone. Stephanie: Yeah, they know each other for so many years and still it's not a real relationship. Gia: But maybe we can change that. Stephanie: It would be cool. Dad and your mother back together again, you and me, living in the same house. Gia: I know. Then Becky walks in... Becky: Hi girls. Hmm, that smells delicious. Stephanie: Sorry, this is for dad and his date. Becky: Danny has a date ? Gia: Well, he doesn't know yet, but yes. Becky: With who ? Gia: With my mom. Becky: So this is a fix-up ? Stephanie: I wouldn't call it a fix-up. I would say it's an ultimate try to get to souls together. Becky: Well, good luck. Becky walks away... Gia: A fix-up ? No way. Stephanie: We already had that part some years ago. We find Michelle and the wins at Danny's car... Nicky: Michelle, why are we helping you ? Alex: And what's in it for us ? Michelle: Boys, do you really want to have something for everything you do ? Alex: Only if we want to. Michelle: And I guess this is one of those times, huh ? Nicky: Right. Michelle: But boys, you will already be filled with joy working with me. Nicky: I know. Alex: Because we can have a lot of fun. Michelle: You see, I told you so. Nicky: But we won't work for nothing. Michelle: Boys, you are though negotiators. But okay, if you wanna help me, you will get ice- cream. Strawberry taste. Alex: What do you think, that we are cheap ? Nicky: We also want whipped cream on top. Michelle: okay boys, if that's the way you want it. Alex: Now we will help you. What do we have to do ? Michelle: Well, you can clean the couch on the back. Nicky: Okay. Nicky and Alex get into the car... Alex: Cool! Nicky: Double cool! Michelle: what ? (She opens the car door, when she looks in it, her mouth opens with amazement) Oh my god. Alex: Michelle, why is there a bra lying on the couch ? Michelle: I have no idea. But I think we should hide it before my dad sees it. Danny: (Walking to the car) before I see what ? Danny: Well, there is something, I am sure. Michelle: Okay then, before you should notice that we were waxing the as-trays for you. Danny: Really ? Nicky: Certainly. Danny: Okay, I will not take more of your time then,. Michelle, honey, I'm so proud of you. This shows the right education I gave you. (He walks away) Nicky: That was a close one. Michelle: You can say that again. Then Danny walks back... Danny: Michelle, something isn't right here. Michelle: What ? Danny: I waxed the ash-trays last week, so they can't be that bad now. Michelle: Believe, they are. Danny: Nicky, what do you have there. Let me see. Danny takes the bra from Nicky... Danny: Gee, I hope this is not yours ? Michelle: They found it in the back. Danny: Oh my god. Stephanie! Danny runs away, to the kitchen... Michelle: Come boys, I don't wanna miss this. Michelle and the boys follow Danny into the kitchen... Danny: Stephanie, what do you think if I show you this ? Stephanie: We are too late with this diner ? Danny: No. Why was this in my car ? Danny: You drove my car last Steph, that means your suspected. Stephanie: But that's not mine. Danny: Are you sure ? Michelle: Uhw! Stephanie: Don't worry Michelle, I was joking. Gia: Thank god. Then Kimmy walks in... Kimmy: Hi Tannerito's. I noticed you were cleaning the car, did you find... Oh, there it is. Thanks. (She takes the bra from Danny) Danny: Kimmy, what is this ? Danny: No, I mean, why was it in my car ? Kimmy: Because I forgot it and the door was locked so I couldn't get it. Danny: What did you do in my car ? Stephanie: I don't wanna know. Michelle: The idea about what she did there makes me fill sick. Kimmy: Well, Duane and I needed some privacy and... Danny: Kimmy, next time, use your own bedroom. Kimmy: I couldn't. My parents were having their annual mouse race, and the finish line was in my room this year. Danny: Get out of here, before you are finished. Kimmy: Did you eat something bad today ? Stephanie: No, but we saw something bad.... You Kimmy walks away... Danny: I'm sorry for blaming you, Steph. Stephanie: it's okay. But now, sit down, Gia's mom is here. We find Jesse and Joey in the living room... Joey: Jess, can you help me out here. I'm having trouble with this crossword. Jesse: Sure, which word don't you know ? Joey: All of them. Like this. 9:Breznjev Frlokjow.. Jesse: Let me see that. Joey, no wonder you can't do it. Your holding it upside-down. Joey: Thanks. But I still don't know what's there, even if I turn the crossword. Jesse: Joey, can it be that this is a foreign language ? Jesse: By solving a Russian crossword ? Joey: Hey, it's a start. Jesse: I know this one. 21: I believe it means great hair. Joey: How do you know that ? Jesse: I found a Russian dictionary once, and I wanted to know the most important sentence of life. Joey: So this is how you say: not guilty in Russia ? Jesse: You're nuts. Joey: Well, I think I'll try an American crossword first now. Uhm, do you know this word ? Word of denial, two letters ? Jesse: No. Joey: So we both don't know it. Jesse: I know it. Joey; Then what's the answer ? Jesse: No. Joey: What do you mean 'no' ? Don't you want to give the answer ? Jesse: No, the answer is 'no'. Joey: On what question ? Jesse: The question in the crossword. Joey: Oh. Thanks. That was a hard one. Jesse: Joey, this might sound crazy, but maybe you could start solving puzzles. Staring with 8 pieces. Joey: I tried that last week, but I couldn't fit the last piece. Jesse: Why not ? Joey; Because I couldn't find it. In the kitchen, Danny and Claire are having diner... Danny: You know, I think the girls are trying to fix us up. Claire: No way. They know we wouldn't fool for that, and besides, they did that last time. Danny: That's true. Claire: Well, I had a very pleasant evening Danny. Danny: Me too. Maybe we should do it again. Claire: Tomorrow I'm having my new kitchen, maybe you can come for diner at our place. Danny: I love to. Claire stands up... Claire: I have to go now. Danny: I will get your coat. Claire: Thank you. Danny and Claire walk to the front door... Claire: Gia, are you coming, we're going home. Gia: Okay. Bye Steph. Stephanie: Bye. Claire: Bye Danny. Stephanie: Dad, when are you going to kiss her ? Danny: Kiss her ? Gia: Yes, see it like the perfect end of the perfect evening. Claire: I don't think it could do any wrong. Danny and Claire kiss... Claire: See you tomorrow. Danny: Bye. The next morning we find DJ, Steve and Michelle in the kitchen... Michelle: Steve, why don't you eat anything ? Steve: I'm on a diet. Michelle: get outta here. DJ: No it's true. He didn't eat anything from last afternoon. Steve: Deej, are you coming with me to the psychiatrist today ? Michelle: Psychiatrist ? DJ: Yes, it seemed the only way to help Steve. Michelle: Are you sure ? DJ: This man is specialized in cases like Steve. Steve: Hey, you're acting like I'm having a big problem now. DJ: You do. You over eat very much. Michelle: And you let him see a psychiatrist ? I wonder what that man can do. Steve: Me too, I mean, without that man I didn't eat for over twelve hours too. DJ: Because I was watching you. Steve: Not all the time. I bet you didn't notice me getting some chicken last night. DJ: Steve, trust me, now I know. Steve: You do ? Michelle: Duhhuh, you just told her. Steve: Too bad. DJ: But remember Steve, everything is gonna be alright. DJ walks out of the kitchen.... Michelle: Steve, don't you think she's pushing this too far. Steve: I do, but I think this has something to do with her pregnancy, so I think it's better to give her what she wants. Michelle: Well, good luck at the psychiatrist. Steve: Ah, no big deal, I don't think he can talk with me for too long. At the psychiatrist... Psychiatrist: Steven Hale, let me ask you something. How did this all started ? Psychiatrist: But when did it become as bad as it is now, did something happen that changed your life ? Did somebody die, or something ? Steve: Nobody died. I mean, sure, people died, but only people I don't know. Steve: About what I will eat next. Psychiatrist: And don't you ever have the feeling you had enough ? Steve: No, but my intestines are working on warpspeed. Psychiatrist: Warpspeed ? can you explain that to me ? Steve: Don't you know Star Trek ? Psychiatrist: No, I never watch those nonsense. Steve: Then what do you watch ? Psychiatrist: Oh, I like to see specials about Freud, or other great scientists. Steve: Gee, I guess you have a boring life then. Psychiatrist: Well, in fact, I think you're right. I am having a boring life. Steve: Well, if I can give you a tip, start watching other programs on television, go out sometimes.. Psychiatrist: Thanks doctor, I will keep that in mind. Bye. (He walks away) Steve: Hey, I'm the patient, you're the doctor. Psychiatrist: You're right... again. Silly me. Steve: What can I do about this problem, doc ? Psychiatrist: Well, try to think about something else when you're eating. Like girls lying on the beach in their bikini's. Steve: Hmm, that thought always reminds me of hamburgers. Psychiatrist: It does ? Well, then you should try just to think that the food is bad for you. Steve: So I shouldn't eat anymore ? Psychiatrist: Right. Okay, one more question. Do you buy cookery books every week ? Steve: No, why ? Psychiatrist: Because I'm having a very special offer for you then. Every week ten new recipes, delivered by mail, for only 50 dollars a week. Steve: And I thought I came here to eat less. Psychiatrist: Try the recipes and you will. Some days later we find Steve in the kitchen, when Stephanie and Michelle walk in... Stephanie: Hi Steve. Michelle: What are you doing ? Steve: I'm drinking coffee. Michelle: Steve, did you start eating yet ? Steve: I never stopped. Stephanie: Huh ? Michelle: it seems like you can change, the way she sees it. Then DJ walks in... DJ: Steve, did you eat something today ? Steve: No I didn't. DJ: But you didn't eat anything for three days. Steve: I thought that was what you wanted. DJ: No, I wanted you to eat less, not to eat nothing. Steve: Hey, I'm getting used to this now. DJ: Steve, please eat something. I don't know you like this, this is not you. Steve: Why ? I'm still Steve. DJ: No, I mean... How will I say this ? Michelle: Steph, I have to see this. Stephanie: Me too. Here, do you want some nacho's ? Michelle: Sure. This will be fun. DJ: Stephanie, Michelle, do you mind ? Stephanie: No, go ahead. DJ: Out, now! Michelle: Why can't we see the juicy part ? Stephanie: Do you know how I think about that ? It's rude! DJ: Get out, I want to talk to Steve. Michelle: Okay. We can hear it from the other side of the door. DJ: Don't you dare, eavesdropping on us. Stephanie: But DJ, we are your sisters, we would never do that, would we, Michelle ? Michelle: But Stephanie, of course we don't won't. DJ: Okay then,. Stephanie and Michelle walk out of the kitchen... Michelle: She didn't notice. I said we don't won't, so that means we will.. Stephanie: Clever thinking Michelle. In the kitchen... DJ: Steve, this is going too far now. Steve: But I like myself now. DJ: Steve, I'm worried about you, could you please start eating again ? Steve: Why ? I thought eating was an obsession to me. At least that's what you told me. DJ: I know, I'm sorry. But can you please start eating again ? Steve: You mean you think it's al tight if you see me eating ? DJ: yes. Steve: Thank god. It was getting harder all the time, eating when you weren't around. DJ: What ? Then the door opens... Michelle: Could you please have short break ? I'm going to make some popcorn. DJ: Why, are you watching television ? Michelle: No, even better. We hear everything... Stephanie: Michelle, popcorn, no talking. I want to know how it ends, and if you talk too long with DJ, she won't continue. DJ: O-u-t, out, now! Michelle: You should try to become a cheerleader. Stephanie and Michelle leave the kitchen... DJ: Steve, did you just tell me you ate all these three days ? Steve: Well, yes. DJ: Why did you lie to me ? Steve: I didn't lie to you. You just assumed that I stopped eating, which I didn't. DJ: So now it's my fault. You were cheating on me and.. Steve: Cheating on you ? I wads doing it for you. DJ: For me ? Why... Steve: You are the one that would be happy if I stopped eating that much, and that's what I want, you to be happy. DJ: Do you mean that ? Steve: Yes, I do. DJ: Oh Steve, I'm so sorry. Steve: it's okay. I just wanted you to know that me not eating is not me. I can't be changed. DJ: I know. I guess it's just my pregnancy and the moods it gives me. Steve: I know. But do you mind if I make a sandwich ? Then Stephanie walks in.. Stephanie: Could you please go on, we still have some popcorn left. We find DJ, Joey and Danny in the living room... DJ: So how did your date go ? Danny: Date ? It was no date. Joey: Then how do you call going out with a woman ? Danny: Okay, maybe it was a date, but there's nothing going on between Claire and me. Then Steve walks in... DJ: And, what did the psychiatrist say ? Steve: I don't have to come back anymore. DJ: So you're cured ? Danny: So you will pick up your old life ? Steve: No. I decided to think of food less than I did before. Joey: So your brains will go on a diet ? Steve: You could say it like that. DJ: And now ? Steve: Now I'm going to make a sandwich. Joey: And your brains were on a diet ? Steve: Well, I wasn't thinking of food actually. DJ: About what then ? Steve: About a glass of milk, and milk goes best with a sandwich. DJ: You will never change, will you ? Steve walks into the kitchen, as Michelle walks out of it... Michelle: Dad, you still didn't pay me for cleaning your car. Danny: Michelle, why is money that important to you ? Michelle: well, I did a job, and now I want to get paid. Joey: Michelle, can you do my car too ? Michelle: That will cost you five bucks. Danny: Five ? And you wanted... Michelle: Five, I will pay the other 15 dollars back to you. DJ: I think we have a real business woman in this house. Danny: As long as she's not doing this at anybody who doesn't life in this house, I won't say anything about it. Michelle: I did it with Kimmy today. I cleaned her bike. Danny: Michelle, why do you want to earn money from other people too ? Michelle: Don't worry, I charged her double. Danny: Okay, then it's alright, but only this time. Michelle: I'm going to the mall, I really want that cd. Michelle leaves the living room... Later, we find Stephanie in her room when Danny walks in... Stephanie: Hi dad. Are you doing anything tonight ? Danny: Why ? Did you arrange something again ? Stephanie: Gee, nothing gets by you, does it ? Danny: Stephanie, why are you doing this ? Stephanie: well, you are still single after mom died. I want you to be happy again. And Claire and you make such a great couple. Danny: But Stephanie, I am happy. I'm healthy, and I have three great daughters. Stephanie: So you think I' over-doing it ? Danny: A little. But it's good to know that you care about me that much. Of course, I already knew. But two diners, three movies, and a day in the zoo don't make any difference. Claire and I are still good friends, and we don't want it to be other wise. Stephanie: And that kiss last week, didn't that mean anything ? Danny: We did that because you pushed us. And I'm sure you arranged something great for us today, but I don't think I will do it. By the way, what was it, bungee-jumping ? Stephanie: No, that's tomorrow. Today you would go to a concert. Of Stevie Wonder. Danny: Stevie Wonder, but that concert was sold out. Stephanie: Well, I guess I can sell the tickets with a huge profit... Danny: Maybe I can make one exception. Stephanie: Have a fun night dad. Danny: And no more fix-up after tonight, al right ? Stephanie: Okay. But I just want you to know that I really hope that you will find somebody again. Danny: Thank you, sweetheart. I will, I will. Danny and Stephanie hug... --------------------------------------------------- End Tune -------------------------------------------------
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DJ wants Steve to eat less, so she sends him to a psychiatrist. Stephanie tries to fix-up Danny and Claire, Gia's mother. Main characters:
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