Fan Fiction - Written by Martin van Dam - Season 9

Episode (9.02) 194 * Housekeeper Joey
Written by: Martin van Dam

When Danny has the flu, Joey takes over the house keeping, in his own way. Jesse and Becky take the boys to the zoo, which ends in pain for Jesse. Stephanie and Michelle try to solve a Rubik's cube.

Michelle Tanner and her three year old twin cousins Nicky and Alex are in the living room.
"Okay boys, watch this," eight year old Michelle says, as she puts three cups on the table. In her hand she holds a white ball between her thumb and index finger. "I put the ball under this cup, and I shuffle them. Then you have to guess where the ball is."
Nicky and Alex nod enthusiastic. "Cool," they say.
Michelle starts shuffling the cups slowly. Jesse Katsopolis, her uncle and the father of Nicky and Alex, enters the living room.
"Okay boys, where's the ball?"
"Under the left cup," the boys simultaneously say.
Michelle lifts the cup the boys point at, and the ball appears.
"Now let me try, I used to be good at this when I was young," Jesse says.
Michelle puts the ball back under the cup and starts shuffling again, this time a lot faster. Then she looks at her uncle. "Okay, where's the ball?"
"Uhm, under the right cup," Jesse points out.
Michelle lifts the cup and there's nothing there.
"Daddy, it's under the middle one," Alex says. His brother nods.
Michelle lifts the middle cup and the ball appears.
"What? How could it be there?" Jesse asks confused.
"You need more practice, daddy," Nicky says.
"A lot," his brother adds, while they walk away. Jesse sits on the couch and with his fingers he draws the movement of the cups in the air.

- Intro -

Joey Gladstone and Michelle are watching cartoons with the twins, when Danny Tanner enters the house through the front door, looking pale.
"Danny, is that new makeup you're wearing?" Joey asks.
Danny shakes his head. With a hoarse voice he says:"No, I'm sick. And I have been looking forward to this afternoon for days. I was going to wax the fireplace, vacuum the lawn and mow the kitchen floor."
Joey puts his arm around Danny's neck. "Danny, you're obviously not capable of doing any of those things right now."
"But my house keeping schedule will be a mess if I don't do these things today."
"Then I'll take over from you. Now, off to bed young man," Joey says.
"You'll take over? Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Danny looks worried.
"Danny, do you think I can't do the house keeping?"
Danny, Michelle, Nicky and Alex simultaneously say: "Yes."
"Well, I will proof you wrong. Now, go to bed and don't worry, I'll take care of everything." Joey assures Danny.
"In this condition, I'm not capable doing any of the stuff I wanted to do, so give it a go, Joey." Danny coughs. "You know the toilet needs to be cleaned with..." Danny continues, as Joey pushes him up the stairs.
"Go to bed and rest," Joey says again.
As Danny walks upstairs, Jesse and Becky Katsopolis enter the living room.
"Boys, are you coming?" Jesse asks.
"We are watching TV," Nicky says.
"But we have a surprise for you," Becky adds.
"What is it?" Alex asks.
"We are going to the zoo," Becky explains with a smile on her face,
Joey starts smiling. "All right, the zoo! Can I feed the monkeys?"
"Joey, Becky and I are going with the boys. Just the four of us."
"And you were going to do the house keeping. Remember, Joey?" Michelle smiles.
Jesse starts laughing. "Good one, Michelle. Joey doing the house keeping."
"Hey, I can handle it," Joey replies, "When you guys get home, this house will be dirt free."

Stephanie Tanner, age 13, is lying on her bed, reading a book, when her older sister DJ enters her room.
"Hi Deej, what's up?" Stephanie asks.
"I have something for you," her sister answers, while she shows a Rubik's cube to Stephanie.
"A Rubik's cube!" Stephanie exclaims, "I always wanted one of those."
"I know," that's why I'm giving it to you. Steve wanted to throw it away."
"He was? Why?"
"Because he cut his lip with the cube. He saw those colors and thought it was a fruit salad."
Stephanie takes the cube and starts turning the sides around, "I wonder how hard it is to solve this thing."
"Well, good luck trying." DJ says, as she leaves the room.

Steve and Kimmy walk into the kitchen through the back door.
"Hold it! I just waxed this floor, so take of your dirty shoes first." Joey says. He's wearing a Tazmanian devil cap backwards on his head and a Bugs Bunny apron over his trousers.
"Joey, you waxed the floor?" DJ asks, coming down the stairs into the kitchen.
"Yes I did. You're dad is sick, so I took over the housekeeping."
DJ frowns. "He must be really sick then." She looks at the floor. "Joey, if you just waxed the floor, then why doesn't the floor shimmer?"
"I mopped the wax of the floor. Do you know how the floor gets when there's wax on it? Someone could easily fall, so safety first."
"If you think floor wax is slippery, don't come over to my place. My mom just rubs banana peels over the floor and leaves them on the ground afterwards. Then when my dad comes home, they play Tarzan and Jane." Kimmy states.
"Kimmy, don't worry. I have no intention to ever come to your place." Joey assures her. Then he picks up a mop and leaves the kitchen.
"Kimmy, did you have to tell that banana story?" DJ says.
"Yeah, it's such a waste of food," Steve adds.

Jesse and Becky are in the zoo with the twins.
"What animals are those?" Jesse asks, pointing at the big grey creatures.
"Elphans," Alex says. Nicky nods and repeats the word.
"Very good boys, those are elephants." Jesse gets up and whispers to Becky. "They didn't call them Elvis, did they?"
Becky smiles. "It sounded like it."
They walk on and Jesse points at animals again. "What is that?" He squats downs between Nicky and Alex.
"A lion," Nicky says.
"And what noise does a lion make?" Becky asks.
"Grr," the boys answer, while they put their hands forward as if they were claws.
"That's my boys," Jesse hugs his sons. "Oh, do you see those animals? What are they called?" He points at baboons.
"That's you, daddy," Nicky says His brother repeats the answer.
Becky starts laughing. "Good guess, boys."
Jesse gets up. "Does my hair really look that bad? Maybe I should call Allejandro to fix my hair."

Joey is cleaning the bathroom, when Michelle walks by.
"What are you doing? " She asks.
"Cleaning the lavatory bowl," Joey answers with a tone of voice that makes it sound like an important job.
"With a toothbrush? Yuk." Michelle says.
"Well, this way I can reach spots that otherwise I couldn't reach."Joey explains.
"Dad can reach those spots easily with his... his... cleaning things."
"I couldn't find that equipment. So I had to improvise."
"With a toothbrush? Isn't it unhygienic to use something that you put in your mouth?"
"Yes, that's why I took Jesse's toothbrush."
Michelle shakes her head. "No you didn't. Look, this is uncle Jesse's, with the hairs of the toothbrush suggesting to be Elvis' hair."
Joey looks at the tooth brush in Michelle's hand. "Whose toothbrush am I using then?"
"Joey, don't you recognize your own Popeye toothbrush?"
Joey looks at his toothbrush and imitates Popeye: "Well blow me down. It's me own toothbrush."

Later that day, Joey enters Danny's bedroom.
"How do you feel?" Joey asks.
"Terible," Danny answers. He starts coughing really badly.
"That's a bad cough you have there, Danny."
Danny nods. "Could you get me the cough syrup please? It's the brown bottle on the upper shelf of the medicine chest."
Joey walks into the bathroom and opens the medicine chest. ON the upper shelf there's two brown bottles. One with a black cap and one with a white cap. "Let's see, a brown bottle on the upper shelf?" he mumbles, "It's obvious Danny's sick, as there's no label on either of these bottles. But he said brown, and the black cap is more brown-like than the white one, so I'll take that one."
Joey runs down the stairs to the kitchen and grabs a teaspoon. Then he runs back to Danny. He takes the cap off the bottle and pours some syrup on the teaspoon, which he gives to Danny.
"Danny, why are there two bottles of cough syrup in the medicine chest?"
"What do you mean? There's only one," Danny answers, as he watches Joey turning the black cap back on the bottle.
"But there's two brown bottles on the upper shelf," Joey says.
"Joey, one of them is cough syrup and the one with the black cap contains laxatives." He then realizes the color of the cap on the bottle in Joey's hand. "Joey, did you gave me syrup from the bottle with the black cap?"
Joey nods. "I'm afraid I did. Black looks like brown, white doesn't. And this one was left of the other bottle and the C comes before the L of laxatives in your shelf arrangements."
Danny looks worried. "Joey, I think it's working already."
"You can't go now. I just cleaned the toilet." Joey replies.

Jesse and Becky are still in the zoo with the twins.
"Which animals do you want to see next?" Jesse asks.
"Donald Duck!" Nicky answers.
"And Mickey Mouse," Alex adds.
"Boys, we're in the zoo, not in Disneyland." Jesse smiles.
"We want to see Tom and Jerry."Nicky says.
"And Roadrunner." Alex nods.
"You spend too much time watching cartoons with Joey," Becky smiles.
"Can we see Willy?" Alex asks.
"You just went to the toilet," Jesse answers.
"No, we want to see Willy," Nicky urges.
"You mean the whales?" Becky asks.
The boys nod. "Yeah, we want to see Willy," Nicky says.
The family walks to the whales.
"Which one is Willy?" Alex looks at Jesse.
"Uhm... Becky?" Jesse looks at his wife.
"Well," Becky says, "Uhm..."
"Willy? Where are you?" The boys yell at the whales.
"Boys, I don't think Willy is here," Becky says.
Nicky turns around. "Mommy, daddy, look!" He points at the monkeys.
"You want to watch the monkeys being fed?" Jesse asks.
"Yes." Alex nods.
They walk to the monkeys.
"Daddy, can you put a banana in your mouth and imitate a monkey?" Alex looks at Jesse with a begging look in his eyes.
"Yes Jess, can you do that?" Becky smiles.
Jesse shakes his head. "No, I really can't do that, boys." He whispers to Becky: "Why do they keep associating me with those monkeys?"
"Well, you are my gorilla," Becky whispers back.
"Daddy, please?" Nicky asks.
"I don't have a banana," Jesse replies.
"Take one from the monkeys then," Alex says.
"I can't do that," Jesse answers.
"Why not?" Alex asks with a sad tone of voice.
"Because those monkeys will come after me and ruin my hair."
Nicky, who Jesse is holding in his arm, reaches out and goes through Jesse's hair with his hand.
"Watch the hair, son," Jesse says, but Nicky continues messing his hair up.
"Daddy is a wild monkey." Nicky and Alex start laughing.

Stephanie is in the living room, playing with the Rubik's cube, when Michelle walks in.
"What are you doing?" Michelle asks.
"DJ gave me this Rubik's cube, which I'm trying to solve. I've been trying for hours now, but every time I get all blocks of the same color on one side of the cube, I mess up another side."
"That's because you are doing it wrong." Michelle nods.
"Like you can do it better," Stephanie laughs.
"In fact I can solve it within the next hour." Michelle sounds confident.
Stephanie smiles. "I want to see that. You're underestimating the difficulty of this game."
"Let's make a bet, shall we? If I can solve this within the next hour, you'll do my household chores for the next week. And if I can't, I'll do yours" Michelle sticks out her hand.
Stephanie ponders for a moment and then grabs the hand of her sister. "Deal."
Michelle takes the cube and starts turning the sides around. Then she stands up and walks to the stairs. "If you need me, I'll be in our room," she says, "I have better concentration when nobody's watching me."
Stephanie shakes her head and smiles. "What will I do with the extra free time the upcoming week?" she asks herself.

Joey is in the kitchen, when Becky and the boys enter. Jesse follows them, with a torn shirt and his hair is completely mixed up.
"O, there's my mop. I've been looking for it for hours." Joey points and laughs at Jesse.
"This is not funny, Joseph."
"I think you look very funny," Joey replies to Jesse.
Jesse wants to step forward, but is stopped by the pain in his back. "Ouch," he exclaims.
"What happened to you?" DJ, who walks in with Steve, asks.
Becky tries to suppress het laugh. "The boys wanted him to imitate a monkey."
"Not much pretending for you to do then, is there?" Joey laughs again.
Steve, who is eating a banana, holds the fruit in front of Jesse. "Do you want a bite?"
Jesse slowly turns his head to Steve. "Do I look like I want a bite?"
"Hey, I was just asking." He puts the remainder of the banana in his mouth.
"But why does uncle Jesse look like this?" DJ asks.
"When an attendant showed up to feed the monkeys, he grabbed a banana, put it in his mouth and imitated a monkey." Becky tries hard to hide her laugh.
"So that's why you didn't want a bite," Steve nods, "You already had one."
"I bet some monkeys didn't like Tarzan's impression," Joey says, pretending to be serious.
"Well, it was the attendant who wasn't too happy with Jesse stealing the banana," Becky says.
"That guy chased me for ten minutes, and then he grabbed me and we fought and..."
"Jess," Becky looks at her husband with a severe look in her eyes.
"Okay, I ran for a minute, then I stumbled, twisted my ankle and while I fell down, my shirt got stuck behind the branch of a tree and got torn."
Nicky and Alex smile.
"It was fun!" Alex says.
"Yeah, very funny," Nicky adds, "Daddy's a good monkey."
Jesse, with a painful look on his face, says:"Yeah, it was great. I'm going to take a long bath."
"Uhm, Jess, I think that bathroom isn't available right now," Joey says, "You see, I made a tiny mistake with Danny's cough syrup."
"What kind of mistake?" Becky asks.
"Well, instead of calming down the north end of his body, it awoke the south." Joey nods.
Jesse, Becky and the twins walk up the stairs. They see Danny running into the bathroom.
"Wow, he's fast for someone who's suffering from the flu," Becky says.

Michelle is in her room, trying to solve the Rubik's cube. Every side has all different colors.
"Comet, this is harder than I thought it would be." Michelle sighs.
Comet barks and walks towards Michelle. He starts licking the cube.
"Comet, that's no doggy treat. How am I going to solve this within the next hour?"
Comet barks again and walks out of the room.
"Well you're a big help," Michelle says, shaking her head.
At that moment, Stephanie walks into their room, looking at her watch.
"You have 34 minutes left. How are you doing?" Stephanie asks.
"Very well," Michelle replies, as she hides the cube behind her back.
"Let me see that." Stephanie tries to grab the cube from behind Michelle, who tries to keep the cub out of her sister's hands.
"You can see it when I'm finished," Michelle says.
"I bet you're stuck as well?" Stephanie smiles, because she sees the cube next to Michelle.
Michelle looks at it and smiles back. "No, in fact I'm working it out very well. Just give me another 35 minutes."
Stephanie shakes her head. "34 and you just lost another three minutes talking." She turns around and leaves the room. In the door opening, she turns around. "Good luck. With my chores."

Jesse and Becky are in the attic with the twins.
"My back still hurts," Jesse says.
"Why on earth did you grab that banana anyways?"
"Because the boys wanted me to. They made those sad, irresistible faces and I..."
"Jess," Becky interrupts him, "Honey, you don't have to do anything the boys want you to do."
"You wanted it too." Jesse replies.
"I was just teasing you. And besides, you don't have to do everything I want you to do either."
The boys run to Jesse.
"Daddy, daddy!" Nicky screams.
"We don't want you to be a monkey anymore," Alex says.
"No, you were not as good as the real monkeys," Nicky adds.
"But can you be a bull?" Alex asks.
Jesse shakes his head. "Boys, I'm sorry, but I can't. I love you very much, and I like playing with you, but I can't do everything you ask me."
Nicky and Alex give him a sad face.
"You know, boys, maybe Joey wants to play with you," Becky says.
The boys cheer and walk down the stairs.
"Well, now we're alone, I know a game we can play," Becky says, while she pushes Jesse on the couch and kisses him.
"Have mercy!" Jesse whispers.

Some later we find Joey in the kitchen, when Stephanie walks in.
"Joey, have you seen Michelle?"
"Yes I have. Many times the last nine years." Joey nods.
Stephanie smiles. "I meant in the last hour."
Joey nods again. "She took Comet for a walk fifteen minutes ago."
Stephanie looks at her watch. "Interesting. Our bet ended at that time."
At that moment Michelle walks in with Comet.
"Hi Joey, hi Steph," Michelle says as she walks into the living room."
"Freeze, Michelle," Stephanie smiles, "I want to see the cube. Your time is up."
Michelle smiles back at Stephanie. She walks to the alcove in the living room and takes the cube from a shelf.
"Here you go," Michelle says, "Good luck with my chores."
Stephanie gazes at the cube, which looks to be solved, with all blocks of the same color at one side of the cube.
"How..." Stephanie stutters, "How... how... how did you do that?"
"It wasn't that hard if you get to understand it," Michelle says. She walks up the stairs, leaving Stephanie behind with the Rubik's cube. Stephanie gives it a closer look, and a smile curves around the corner of her mouth. She runs up the stairs after Michelle. "O Michelle!" she yells.
Michelle is holding a container of glue when Stephanie enters their room.
"Michelle, I have one question about this cube." Stephanie says.
"You do? What is it?" Michelle quickly hides the container behind her back.
"I was wondering why there's glue on the sides and some of the colored stickers are out of position. Look how oblique they're attached to the cube." Stephanie shows the cube to Michelle.
"How did that happen?" Michelle asks, while she spreads her arms to suggest she doesn't know.
Stephanie points at the glue container in Michelle's hand. "I have a hunch that container might have something to do with it."
Michelle looks at her hand. "Oops. How did that get there?" She looks at Stephanie with a fake innocent look.
"Michelle, you just switched some stickers. That's cheating, so I won." Stephanie smiles.
"No, I solved the cube. We didn't say how I had to solve it." Michelle smiles back.
"Michelle, admit it. You couldn't get it solved within an hour either."
Michelle sighs. "Okay, I couldn't do it the right way, so I had to be a little bit creative."
"Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear."
Stephanie walks out of the room, followed by Michelle.
"You're still doing my chores, right?" Michelle asks.
"No, you'll be doing mine," Stephanie answers.
"No I won't, you'll do mine." Michelle yells.
"No, you will do my chores," Stephanie repeats.
"No I won't"
"Yes you will."
"No I won't."
"Yes you will."
"No I won't."
"No you won't, " Stephanie now says.
"Yes I will!" Michelle shouts. She thinks for a few seconds. "Hey, you tricked me!"
Stephanie starts laughing. "That was too easy."

Later, we find the family sitting at the kitchen table.
"What is this?" Michelle asks, looking at the red substance in front of her.
"Tomato soup," Joey answers.
"Joey, could I have a knife and fork please?" Stephanie asks.
"What do you need that for?" Joey asks.
Stephanie puts her spoon in her soup and it keeps standing straight. "To eat my soup," Stephanie answers, while she keeps staring at the spoon.
"Can we order a pizza?" Michelle asks.
Joey sighs. "This soup can be eaten, Michelle, watch me." He puts his spoon in his bowl. After cutting a circle in the soup, he takes a bit out. The rest of the soup stays in plays, leaving a hole in the red substance in his bowl. He puts the spoon in his mouth and starts chewing. After a few seconds he runs to the sink and spits the soup out.
"Maybe the soup is a bit tough," Joey says, "Who wants to order pizza?"
Stephanie, Michelle, DJ and Steve all say: "I do!"
Danny walks down the stairs into the kitchen. "What's going on?" he asks.
"Joey made soup for us," DJ replies.
"Joey made soup? Last time he did that, it was as hard as like cement." Danny coughs.
"Well, it wasn't that hard this time, but if the soup got launched, it would leave a whole in the window," Stephanie says.
Danny nods. Suddenly he starts sweating. "I'm sorry guys, I really have to go." With his hand at his bottom, Danny runs up the stairs.
"What's going on with him?" Jesse asks.
"Joey gave him the wrong medicine," DJ answers.
The doorbell rings. Joey and Steve stand up together.
"That will be the pizza," Steve says.
"Pizza? But I didn't order any yet," Joey says.
Steve smiles. "But I did."

After dinner, Joey and Jesse are in Danny's room.
"How are you feeling?" Joey asks with a guilty look on his face.
"I didn't have to go to the bathroom for two hours now." Danny sighs relieved.
"And how's the flu?" Jesse now asks.
"I'm feeling a lot better now. Maybe I can do the house keeping by myself again tomorrow."
"Thank God," Jesse says.
"Hey, a little appreciation for my hard work would be in place here." Joey says with an indignant tone in his voice.
"Joey, you've been dusting the living room with Kleenex," Jesse replies.
"Hey, I couldn't find a duster."
"You were doing the dishes with a washing-up brush before putting them in the dishwasher."
"Jesse, what's wrong with that?" Danny asks, "I do that all the time."
"Do you also clean the toilet bowl with them first?" Jesse gives Danny a nasty face.
"Well, I used my toothbrush first, but as Michelle pointed out to me, that wasn't very hygienic," Joey responds, "And don't forget to mention I did the laundry."
"Oh, I couldn't forget that, Joseph," Jesse smiles.
"What happened?" Danny asks.
"Well, I saw a greasy spot on my shirt and used some extra washing powder to clean it out."
"How much extra washing powder?" Danny looks worried.
"Half a box," Joey answers.
"Joey, do you know how foamy the water gets when you put half a box of washing powder into the machine?"
"Danny, relax. He knows that. Now." Jesse starts laughing.

The next morning, Danny is sitting at the kitchen table, while Joey is making breakfast. Stephanie walks down the stairs.
"Hi dad, feeling better?" Stephanie asks.
"Yes, I feel a lot better. But I did take some cough syrup this morning."
The back door opens and Kimmy enters the house. "Good morning Neighbors."
"Kimmy, it was a good morning, until you came in." Stephanie replies.
"Thanks." Kimmy has a happy look on her face. "Is DJ upstairs?" She walks up the stairs.
Joey walks to Danny. "Danny, did you say you took cough syrup? Which bottle did you use?"
"The one with the white cap of course."
"Well, no eggs for you then," Joey says as he walks away."
"Joey, what's going on?" Danny looks worried.
"Well, I might have accidentally switched the caps of those bottles," Joey replies.
Danny looks shocked. Then he stands up and runs up the stairs, with his hand on his bottom.

- End Tune -

Main Characters
Jesse Katsopolis
Danny Tanner
Joey Gladstone
DJ Tanner
Stephanie tanner
Michelle Tanner
Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson-Katsopolis
Nicky Katsopolis
Alex Katsopolis
Kimmy Gibbler
Steve Hale

Guest characters:
None

Episode information:
Story written by: Martin van Dam
Based upon: The orignal series of Full House, created by Jeff Franklin
Lay-out: Martin van Dam