Full House Scripts - Season 1

In Jesse's room
Danny: Happy Thanksgiving.
Jesse: Why is there a Butterball on my head?
Danny: Jesse, apparently your hair is some sort of baby magnet.
Jesse: Man, it's 7:00, it's a holiday, good night.
Danny: Jesse, I am sorry, but I've got a little problem...and I need to see you and Joey downstairs right now. Come on.
Jesse: I gotta get a lock for my door.
Danny: We're coming to some stairs, I recommend you opening your eyes.

In the living room
Danny: Joey, come on. Wake up, buddy.
Joey: Good morning, how you guys doing? Boy, it's great to be alive. Happy Thanksgiving, buddy.
Jesse: Why can't you wake up grumpy and grouchy like normal people?
Joey: Because it's a beautiful day.
Jesse: Yeah.
Danny: Boys, brace yourselves. It's snowing in Tacoma.
Jesse: No. Boy, it's a good thing I didn't sleep through that news.
Danny: You don't understand, my mom lives in Tacoma and she's snowed in. She was supposed to make our Thanksgiving dinner for us.
Joey: It's no problem, we'll make that seven-course meal ourselves. How, you ask? The miracle...of Thanksgiving.
Jesse: You...are a moron. There's a miracle of Christmas and there's Smokey Robinson and The Miracles, there's Miracle Whip. But there's no miracle of Thanksgiving, huh.
Joey: Oh, no? Suppose the Pilgrims had landed in Florida. We'd all be eating flamingo.
Danny: All I know is, everything today has to be absolutely perfect.
Jesse: Why?
Danny: Because it's the girls' first Thanksgiving without their mother.
Jesse: That's right. That's gotta be rough on them. We gotta make this a fun day, a great day for them.
Joey: And it will be, you know why?
Jesse: Why?
Joey: The miracle...of Thanksgiving. Now let's get in there and cook.
Jesse: Right. Right after that we'll hunt for eggs left by the Thanksgiving Bunny.

In the kitchen
Danny: Okay, everything's on the table and ready for cooking. What should we make first?
Jesse: Reservations.
Danny: I know this looks a little intimidating but families all over this country are turning these ingredients into a Thanksgiving feast.
Jesse: Maybe we should go have dinner with one of them.
Joey: Nobody panic, we've got cookbooks. If you can read English, you can cook. For instance: "Basic bread stuffing. Melt one-third cup butter in a heavy skillet."
Danny: That's easy. On the stove, right?
Jesse: No, we stick the butter in a rocket ship and send it to the sun.
Joey: All right. Guys, stay with me here. "Add one-fourth cup finely minced onion."
Danny: We've got three different kinds of onion here. Are there any pictures?
Joey: Well, here's one of Betty Crocker, but they cut her off above the onions. Okay. "Stir in four cups breadcrumbs. See pages 35 to 37. Two cups chicken stock. See pages 46 to 48. One pound pork sausage. See pages 78 to 81." Stuffing is highly overrated.
Jesse: Hey, mister, what happened to the miracle...with the horn thing, of Thanksgiving?
Joey: If we can get a restaurant reservation on Thanksgiving, there's your miracle.
DJ & Stephanie: Happy Thanksgiving.
Danny, Joey & Jesse: Happy Thanksgiving.
DJ: Look out. Here comes big, bad biker mama.
Jesse: Michelle. Michelle. Pop a wheelie. Pop a wheelie. All right. See, I taught her everything I know.
Danny: Girls, I have a little bad news. It's snowing up north, and Grandma can't make it.
DJ & Stephanie: Oh, no.
Danny: But don't worry we're going to the best restaurant in town for a super-great Thanksgiving feast. It's quiz time. How is Thanksgiving gonna be?
Stephanie: Super great.
Danny: That's correct. And now, DJ to tie, how is Thanksgiving gonna be?
Stephanie: Time's up. What do I win?
DJ: Steph, how could you say that sounds super great? I think the idea stinks.
Stephanie: Can I change my vote?
Danny: DJ, what's wrong?
DJ: Mom always cooked us a home-cooked meal for Thanksgiving. Don't you think we should have Thanksgiving here?
Danny: Yeah, we're just a little nervous about turning all this food into something that can still be eaten.
DJ: Last year, Mom taught me how to make a picture-perfect pumpkin pie. So I can make that.
Stephanie: And I can help.
DJ: And I talked to Grandma last night on the phone and she was gonna put me in charge of the turkey anyway. So I can handle that too.
Stephanie: If I help.
Danny: DJ, you're right. Guys, we can do this. I am gonna make that stuffing.
Jesse: All right. And you know what? It just so happens I can do amazing things with a yam.
Joey: And in many parts of the world, I am known as Mr. Vegetable.
Danny: Give me my kid.
Joey: I'm feeling the miracle. The miracle...of Thanksgiving. Can you feel it?
Danny, Jesse, DJ & Stephanie: We feel it.
Joey: Yes. Are you ready?
Danny, Jesse, DJ & Stephanie: We're ready.
Joey: Now, let's cook.
Jesse: Let's take a walk around the table. Let's do that Temptation thing. All right, girls, let's go. Here we go.
Danny: We should have been the new Monkees.
Joey: Ladies and gentlemen, the miracle...of Thanksgiving.
Jesse: The little miracle-ette who made it all possible: DJ
DJ: Thank you. I couldn't have done it without you guys.
Danny: Okay. Guys, go carve the turkey. Ladies, please be seated at our Thanksgiving table.
Stephanie: Thank you.
Danny: Michelle, what are they gonna carve? Turkey. Turkey, turkey, turkey.
DJ: This is so much better than a restaurant.
Stephanie: Yeah, I hate those booster seats. They squeeze my tush.
Joey: Jess, we got a problem here.
Jesse: Let me try. It's frozen.
Danny: I had no idea you two were so good in the kitchen. The turkey, the pie. You should open a restaurant and support me the rest of my life.
Joey & Jesse: It's frozen. The thing's frozen.
DJ: I'm so glad this worked out so perfect. I wasn't sure if I could pull it off but it turned out just the way Mom cooked it last year. Do you think she would have been proud of me?
Danny: I'm sure she would have been, honey. Excuse me a second. I'll be right back. You two stay right here.
DJ: Is there something wrong with my turkey?
Jesse: No.
Joey: No, there's no turkey problem at all. This is a very happy bird.
Jesse: Yeah. He's happier than heck to be dead right here in our kitchen.
Danny: I'm just gonna shove that sucker back in the oven for just a couple more minutes.
DJ: Are you sure there's nothing wrong with it?
Danny: Of course, honey. You know what a nut I am about that extra-crispy skin.
DJ: Well, Dad, don't overcook it. You don't want it to get dry.
Danny: There's no danger of that happening, DJ Oh, my gosh. Someone's at the door. Who's gonna get it? I don't know. Let's all go get it.
Jesse: Let's all go get it.
Joey: Let's go see who came to visit us on Thanksgiving Day.

In the living room
Danny: Coming. Yes, yes, yes. Hi.
Paula: Hi.
Danny: Must be your friends, Jesse.
Jesse: No, not yet. Come in.
Paula: Hi, I'm Paula. And this is my sister Alexandra.
Danny: Hi, I'm Danny Tanner. These are my kids, Michelle, DJ and Stephanie. That's Jesse and Joey.
Jesse: Hi.
Joey: Hi.
DJ: Hi.
Stephanie: Hi. Who are you?
Alexandra: Isn't this 1882 Jerrard?
Joey: Jerrard Way, Avenue, Street, Place or Lane?
Alexandra: I'm not sure. Uncle Henry just moved to town.
Paula: Could we use your phone? We're already late, and this hot turkey's getting cold.
Danny: Hot turkey. Sure, come on in. There's the phone, right over there. Great. Girls, take Michelle and go upstairs and wash your hands.
Stephanie: Why? They're clean.
Danny: Yeah, but they're not Thanksgiving clean. Go, go, go. Go. Men, this is the miracle of Thanksgiving. That turkey was meant for us.
Jesse: I got a feeling that it may come as a surprise to the young ladies.
Danny: There's only one person who can convince these women to stay for dinner.
Jesse: I don't know, it's gonna be rough. It'd be easier if it was one girl with a chicken on Groundhog's Day.
Danny: Jesse, just think of little DJ's face when she goes into the kitchen and sees a turkey ice sculpture in the oven.
Jesse: All right, I'll give it a shot. But I'll need a few things. You, you dim the lights. Joey, go get some drinks.
Joey: I'll get us some traditional pumpkin margaritas. All right, I'll surprise you.
Jesse: Get out of...
Paula: Thank you. I'm sorry if we interrupted your dinner.
Jesse: Dinner? What a coincidence. I was just gonna talk about dinner. Why spend dinner over Uncle Hank's house which, by the way, you can't even find...when fate has dropped you and your bird, if you will, here in our laps?
Alexandra: Because our husbands wouldn't like it.
Jesse: Ball's in your court.
Danny: I'll give you $100 for that turkey.
Paula: Excuse me?
Danny: $125.
Alexandra: You wanna buy our turkey?
Jesse: You bet, $140.
Paula: This is crazy.
Danny: $150.
Paula: Let's talk.

In the kitchen
Joey: Oh, no.
Danny: Joey.
Joey: Just a minute.
Alexandra: What planet have we landed on?
Paula: I'm not sure, but I think I hear Uncle Henry calling. Good luck.
Danny: Wait, $175, you can keep the stuffing. $200.
Jesse: What is it, Lassie? What is it, girl? Did Grandpa fall in the river again? What? Oh, my God.
Danny: We can't even see.
Jesse: All right, be careful. It's on-- The thing's on fire.
DJ: Oh, my gosh.
Danny: I love that crispy skin.
DJ: What happened?
Danny: It's all my fault, honey. Your turkey was a little frozen, so I shoved it in the oven and I cranked it up all the way.
DJ: My turkey was frozen?
Danny: DJ, it's all my fault.
DJ: It was frozen. I didn't defrost it enough.
Stephanie: Don't feel bad. At least, we still can have the--Pie.
DJ: Tell me that didn't happen.
Stephanie: That didn't happen.
DJ: Yes, it did.
Stephanie: I ruined Mom's picture-perfect pumpkin pie.
DJ: And I ruined the turkey.
Danny: I'm gonna go talk to DJ
Jesse: All right.
Joey: And I'll go talk to Stephanie.
Jesse: Whoa, I'll talk to Stephanie. Here, you take Michelle. Oh, by the way, you got a bottle stuck on your tongue.
Joey: Another miracle...of Thanksgiving.
Michelle: Turkey.

In Danny's room
DJ: Dad, you don't have to tell me. I know I ruined Thanksgiving for everyone.
Danny: You didn't ruin anything.
DJ: I let Mom down.
Danny: Why? Because of the turkey? DJ, Mom knew Thanksgiving wasn't about turkeys. It's about family...and about being thankful for what we have. I'm thankful I've got you. You're the one who pulled us all together tonight.
DJ: You're just trying to make me feel better.
Danny: Is it working?
DJ: No.
Danny: You think you feel bad. I feel worse.
DJ: You couldn't.
Danny: Oh, yeah? Wait till I tell you what's been going on. I felt so bad about your frozen turkey...that I offered those ladies $200 for theirs.
DJ: Dad, that's crazy. You should've just told me the truth and given me the $200. That would've made me feel better.
Danny: Thanks for making me feel better.
DJ: You're welcome.
Danny: Sometimes you remind me so much of your mom. You always have a smile for me when I need one.
DJ: Yeah, well, like Mom said, smiles are free, so give them away.

In DJ & Stephanie's room
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, are you still here?
Jesse: No, I left. You can come out of the closet now.
Stephanie: Nice try.
Jesse: All right, that's it. I'm coming in there with you. Look out.
Stephanie: I...broke the pie.
Jesse: That's all right. People break things all the time. It's okay, no big deal. Everybody makes mistakes.
Stephanie: Not pie mistakes.
Jesse: Even pie mistakes. You know what, I'll show you a mistake I made when I was your age. Hop on my back, I'll give you a piggyback ride. Hop on. There we go. It's kind of fun hanging out in the closet.
Stephanie: You don't get out much, do you?

In Jesse's room
Jesse: All right, come here. Now you settle down here...and be prepared to be amazed at my stupidity. Here, come on, sit on my lap.
Stephanie: Okay.
Jesse: Take a look at that.
Stephanie: Who's that goofy-looking guy with silly hair and big ears?
Jesse: I don't have big ears.
Stephanie: They're fine now that your head's bigger. Why is your hair so lopsided?
Jesse: That's the thing, see. When I was 5 and your mom was 10...I let her cut my hair because she said she was in beauty school.
Stephanie: And you believed her?
Jesse: Well, I said I was 5.
Stephanie: I'm 5, and I wouldn't fall for that.
Jesse: Well, maybe you're just a little smarter han I am, huh, you little ankle-biter? Look at this one.
Stephanie: Oh, yeah.
Jesse: Hey.
Stephanie: Who's that little girl with you?
Jesse: That's your mommy. She's pretty, isn't she?
Stephanie: Yeah. What's she holding?
Jesse: Well, in one hand she's holding her scissors...and in the other hand she's holding about 95 percent of my hair.
Stephanie: Oh, yeah, that's for Halloween, huh?
Danny: How you guys doing?
Jesse: We're cool.
Stephanie: We're fine.
DJ: Let's go have some black turkey and some pie a' la floor.
Stephanie: Okay, but can we make a new pie?
DJ: Sure, Steph.
Stephanie: I promise not to drop it.
DJ: And I promise not to freeze it.
Danny: Okay, let's go.
Stephanie: Okay, come on. Let's go eat.
DJ: I'm hungry.
Jesse: You missed a great Thanksgiving, sis.
Danny: You coming?
Jesse: Yeah. Yeah, let's go.
Danny: Wait, look at this. I forgot how much the girls look like Pam when she was their age.
Jesse: Yeah, right. Come on, let's go, man.
Danny: Wait a second, you wanna talk?
Jesse: No, why would I wanna talk? Come on, let's go.
Danny: Jesse. It's okay if you're hurting.
Jesse: I'm not hurting, I'm hungry. I wanna go eat. Let's go, please.
Danny: I hadn't thought about this. But this must be real hard on you. You spent more Thanksgivings with Pam than any of us.
Jesse: What's it take to get through to you? I don't wanna have this conversation. So leave me alone.
Danny: Okay. Fine. I'll just be moseying along. But if you wanna talk, you know my home number.
Jesse: When is it gonna stop hurting, man? I keep thinking the pain's gonna go away...but it doesn't. I see pictures, I think of her...I get this feeling, this em--
Danny: I know that feeling, Jesse. And I don't think it ever completely goes away. Sometimes it's easier...but on days like this, it's real hard. But you don't have to go through this alone.
Jesse: I'm missing her, man. This-- It's so hard for me to talk about it.
Danny: Talking about it, that's what helps me. Talking about the memories. That's what keeps her in your heart.
Jesse: Yeah?
Danny: Yeah.
Jesse: Everybody knows the story of how I got my hair all chopped up and everything...but I'll bet you don't know how I retaliated. Look at this. Did you ever see your wife with red, white and blue hair?
Danny: I think she looked cute. How'd you do this?
Jesse: Picture this, it was the middle of the night...two things of finger paints and vanilla pudding. I was a wicked little 5-year-old, wasn't I?
Danny: I'm glad you're here, Jesse.

In the kitchen
Danny: Lord, as we gather this Thanksgiving...we wanna thank you for this bountiful...yet slightly overcooked, reheated meal.
Everybody: Amen.
Danny: But what we're most thankful for...is being part of a family who really loves each other.
Everybody: Amen.
Jesse: And God bless my mom and dad who are in Orange County with all my dad's goofy relatives.
Everybody: Amen.
Joey: And I'd just like to say I'm happy to be part of this family and God bless my dad and his third wife...Janice. And to my mom who's on a Thanksgiving gambling junket to Atlantic City: Seven come eleven, Mom.
Everybody: Amen.
DJ: Carve the turkey, Dad.
Danny: My pleasure. Okay, who wants white meat?
DJ: I do. I want some.
Stephanie: Me.
Danny: Scratch the white meat. We have dark meat and really dark meat.
Jesse: Yeah.
Stephanie: All right.

*** End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1987
Directed by: Peter Baldwin
Written by: Jeff Franklin & Russell Marcus

Guest Cast:
Paula: Unknown
Alexandra: Unknown