Full House Scripts - Season 5

No Teaser

Joey and Becky are in the Kitchen. Joey is reading a tabloid...
Joey: Wow, here's something interesting. "Genius pigeon graduates college."
Becky: Joey, how can you read that junk... O my God, he went to the same school I did!
Danny enters, holding a loudspeaker
Danny: (in the loudspeaker) Attention, all family members, report to the kitchen immediately. Training camp is about to begin. Don't try to make a run for it; I've got the house completely surrounded. Move it! Move it! Move it! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Let's go! Hut! Hut! Hut!
DJ and Stephanie run into the kitchen from the front room; Michelle enters from the staircase
DJ: What's going on?
Stephanie: What's wrong?
Danny: (in the loudspeaker) Attention! As you were. (in a normal voice) God, I love the sound of my own voice. As you all know, this weekend Tanners from all across this great country of ours are gathering at Lake Pollock for a fun, family reunion and picnic. First, we're gonna hug 'em, then, we're gonna kiss 'em, and then, once those picnic games begin, we are gonna kick some Tanner behind! Michelle, you will be with Uncle Jesse in the balloon relay race.
Michelle: All right! We're gonna kick some Tanner's behind!
Danny: Where does she get this stuff? Okay, DJ and Steph, you two will be tied together in the three-legged race.
Stephanie: We won't let you down, dad. Deej, we've gotta practice. From now until the picnic, we'll spend day and night tied together.
DJ: Sounds like a dream come true.
Stephanie: Someone needs to work on her team spirit.
Danny: (in the loudspeaker) Joey! (in a normal voice) As the only winner from our family last year, we are counting on you to repeat as champion in the pie-eating contest.
Joey: (in a low voice) I am the world's greatest pie-eater. Nobody can touch me. Aunt Phyllis, if you're out there doing your needle point, know this : I will destroy you!
Danny: (carrying two pies) Okay, man, you can pump up with these. Get practicing.
Joey: All right, who wants to spar with the champ? I need a little competition here.
Becky: Oh, blueberry, I'll try.
Danny: Assume the position, and... go!
everybody cheers for Joey and Becky
Danny: Come on. Come on. Come on.
Stephanie: Come on, Becky!
Danny: Come on, Joey!
Stephanie: Come on, Becky!
DJ: Stick your face in it!
Danny: Come on, faster, guys. Eat it! Eat the pie!
Michelle: Be a piggy! Be a piggy!
Danny: Becky's gaining on you, Joey. Come on!
Stephanie: Come on, Becky.
DJ and Stephanie: Come on! Come on.
Danny: She's gaining on you. Come on!
Stephanie: Go, Becky. Go!
Jesse enters from the back porch, and everything becomes silent
Jesse: We've run out of forks?
Becky: Hi, honey. (Becky kisses Jesse with blueberry on her face, and gets blueberry on Jesse) Be with you in a jiff.
Jesse: (licking blueberry off face) That's okay; I'll just stay here and snack.
Becky: Finished!
Danny: We have a new champion. Yes!
Joey: Hey, man, no fair. She's having twins; she's eating for three. Besides, I think I had a blueberry up my nose.
Jesse: This is all very fascinating, but I want to tell you guys something. I just met with a new record company, and they heard my music, and they loved it.
Becky: Oh, honey, that's great.
Jesse: It's not a done deal yet. They said they'd give me a record contract if I come up with one, great, hit song.
Michelle: I've got very big news; you're my partner in the balloon race.
Jesse: Oh yeah, that's right, at the picnic.
Michelle: Let's practice right now.
Jesse: All right, we will, I promise. But right now, I'm gonna go downstairs, and I'm going to write the greatest song ever written. Just give me ten minutes.
Jesse goes downstairs
Danny: That is the kind of groundless confidence we need to win that Tanner family trophy. Because... (in the loudspeaker) We are the Bay-area Tanners, and we are gonna win, right?
Michelle: Aunt Phyllis, you are dead meat!

DJ and Stephanie are in the front room
Stephanie: Come on, Deej, we have to practice for the three-legged race.
DJ: (filing her nails) Steph, can't you see that I'm busy?
Stephanie: (shouting) Dad, DJ's not showing any team spirit.
DJ: All right, all right; let's get this over with.
Stephanie: Okay, now, tie it up real tight so it won't fall off. Now, we have to practice day and night, night and day, until we have it perfect, so we can win.
DJ: Okay.
Stephanie: Okay, now, let's practice walking first. Ready, go.they collapse on the couch, and the telephone rings
DJ: That's my phone. I bet it's Ben Andrews. He's unbelievably hot... I can't get this knot out. (shouting) Ben, don't hang up. (to Stephanie) Steph, you're coming with me.
Stephanie: But we have to practice.
DJ: We'll practice going up stairs. Come on, inside, outside, inside, outside.
Stephanie: Deej!
DJ: Ben, don't hang up! Keep ringing! Keep ringing. Come on! Hurry! Inside, outside, inside, outside, inside...
in the upstairs hallway
DJ: I'm coming, Ben, I'm coming. Keep ringing. Keep ringing.
in DJ's room
DJ: Keep ringing. Keep ringing. Keep ringing. (picks up the telephone) Hello? (to Stephanie) It's for you.
Stephanie: Thanks. I gave your number out for emergencies. (on the telephone) Hello? Oh, hi, Eric...

in Jesse's studio, Jesse is trying to compose a song
Jesse: (singing) I'm looking... at a three-day-old pizza crust... I'll give it to Joey; he'll eat anything...
Michelle enters
Michelle: Guess what time it is?
Jesse: Time for me to write a decent song.
Michelle: Nope. It's time to practice. You need to walk like this. (sticks balloon between her legs) Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle.
Jesse: Thanks, Michelle. Now, let me get back to my tune here.
Michelle: You got to practice too, partner.
Jesse: Oh all right, give me that. Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle. There. Now take off; I got to get back to my music.
Michelle: Could I hear it?
Jesse: Well, all right. It's not really finished yet, but, uh, it starts like this... (Jesse plays a chord on the piano) Then I do, like, a verse, and then a, then a chorus, and then, uh, a real nice bridge; then I do another chorus, and then it ends like this... (Jesse plays the same chord) What do you think?
Michelle: You got nothin'.
Jesse: Tell me about it.
Michelle: Write a song like this... (singing) Five little speckled frogs sittin' on a hollow log eating some most delicious bugs. Yum. Yum.
Jesse: Michelle...
Michelle: (singing) One jumped into the pool where it was nice and cool. Now there are four speckled frogs. Ribbit. Ribbit. Four little speckled frogs
Jesse: I'm inspired now.
Michelle: (singing) sittin' on a hollow log eating some most delicious bugs. Yum. Yum.
Joey enters and starts to sing with Michelle
Joey and Michelle: (singing) One jumped into the pool where it was nice and cool. Now there are three speckled frogs. Ribbit. Ribbit. Three little speckled frogs...
Jesse: Enough! Joey, I hope you have a good reason for interrupting me.
Joey: I sure do. Check this out, Jess. Another Elvis sighting. This time, they spotted him in Portland playing miniature golf with Bigfoot.
Jesse bangs his forehead on the piano eight times, and Becky enters
Becky: Hi, honey. How's the song going?
Jesse: Oh, terrific. Great.
Michelle: He got nothing.
Jesse: I got nothing because I got no privacy here. Could you people just please leave me alone?
Joey: Okay, Mister Cranky pants.
Jesse: Out!
Joey leaves, and Jesse looks at Becky
Becky: You don't want me to leave too?
Jesse: Uh-huh.
Becky: After I waddled down here to bring you this snack?
Jesse: Mm-hmm.
Becky: Well, honey, don't take this the wrong way, but... (Becky sticks her tongue out at Jesse and makes a spitting sound)
Jesse: Thank you.
Becky exits
Michelle: Uncle Jesse, I have an idea.
Jesse: Hmm?
Michelle: You should write a song about a turtle and a duck.
Jesse: Thank you, Michelle. Run along
Michelle exits
Jesse: turtle and a duck. (Jesse sits at the piano and starts to sing...) Oh, there was a turtle and a duck...

Danny is in the front room with Michelle, who is holding the loudspeaker
Michelle: (In the loudspeaker) Let's go, people; it's picnic time. Move it! Move it! Move it!
DJ and Stephanie enter
Danny: Oh, I am so proud of you girls. You know you have mastered the three-legged walk so well it's as if you're not even tied together.
DJ and Stephanie: (speaking simultaneously) We're not. Stop talking when I talk.
Joey and Becky are walking down the stairs
Joey: Becky, I just want you to know that I've entered the pie-eating contest as a wild-card entry.
Becky: Joey, you don't stand a chance.
Joey: Of course I do! I've switched to the Tasmanian Devil technique. Now, when I see that pie, it's going to be like... (Joey imitates the Tasmanian Devil eating the pie and burping)Kimmy enters through the front door
Kimmy: Hola, fellow picnickers. My bag's in the van, and I'm ready for action, coach.
Danny: Uh, Kimmy, uh, as much as we'd love to have you along on this trip, there's just no room in the van. And besides, you've got to be a member of the Tanner family.
Kimmy: But I am a member of the Tanner family. At least that's what my parents keep telling me.
Jesse enters
Jesse: Everybody, I got to talk to you.
Michelle: (in the loudspeaker) Yay! Uncle Jesse's here.
Danny: Michelle, I thing we've had enough bullhorn, okay? (in the loudspeaker) All right, everybody into the van. Get the luggage. Move it! Move it! Move it!
Stephanie: Here, Uncle Jesse. Wear your t-shirt. It's a poly cotton blend. Dad said it wouldn't shrink, but I think it's just cheaper.
Jesse: That's what I got to talk to you about. I've been up for four days; I can't come up with a decent song, so I'm going to pass on this picnic thing and stay home, and work.
Everybody: What?
Joey: What do you mean?
Kimmy: Well, look on the bright side, Tanners. Now, there's room in the van for me.
Danny: Jesse, we need you now more than ever.
DJ: Yeah, it's just not the same without you.
Stephanie: Yeah, you've got to go.
Becky: Come on, honey, it'll be good for you.
Joey: Yeah, sure. Relax, take your mind off your work a little.
Jesse: Going to keep my mind on my work. Don't you guys understand? This is my one shot at a record deal.
Michelle: But you're my partner in the balloon race.
Jesse: Well, get another partner.
Michelle: But you promised.
Jesse: Michelle, I can't.
Michelle: But you promised.
Jesse: Michelle, I have to write a song.
Michelle: But you promised!
Jesse: Well then, I'm going to break my promise. I'm not going to the stupid picnic, so leave me alone. (Jesse leaves)
Becky: Jess!
Michelle: Uncle Jesse yelled at me.
Danny: Oh, Michelle, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. Come on; we're still gonna have fun at the family picnic.
Michelle: Uncle Jesse's not nice anymore.

Jesse is sitting in his studio, trying to compose a song. He ends up playing the Brady Bunch theme...
Jesse: I've just written the Brady Bunch theme! Maybe no one will remember... What am I saying?

everyone but Jesse, in the van, on the way to the picnic
Michelle: Are we there yet?
Danny: No, honey, we're not at the motel yet.
Michelle: When will we be there?
Everybody: When we get there.
Michelle: I was just asking. Don't have a cow.
Joey: I think what Michelle's trying to say is, she has to go to the bathroom.
Michelle: No, I don't.
Joey: All right, I do. Please, Danny, I'm dying.
Danny: Joey, didn't I say not to drink that thermos of Tang?
Joey: But Danny...
Danny: Hey, don't make me come back there.
Stephanie: Dad, Kimmy's looking at me.
Kimmy: (looking at Stephanie) No, I'm not.
Danny: Kimmy, stop looking at Stephanie.
Michelle: Something stinks.
Becky: Well, we're in the woods, honey; it's probably a skunk.
DJ: I know that smell. Kimmy, put your shoes back on.
Everybody: Ohh! Eww! Gross!

Jesse, in a diner
Jesse: A cup of coffee, black, and keep it coming. (Jesse starts tapping a salt shaker, and a person sitting next to him, looking like Elvis, talks to him...)
Man in diner: Switch to decaf, will you, son; you're jangling my nerves.
Jesse: I'm sorry; I just have a lot on my mind.
Man in diner: Hey, sonny, make me one of those sprout salads, and put the low-cal dressing on the side, will you? Thank you. Thank you very much. (to Jesse) I lost 72 pounds on this diet, man. I got sprouts coming out my sideburns.
Jesse: You know, you look exactly like... Well, no, you're gone... I mean, you're not gone; you're here, but, I mean... Never mind me; I'm just, I'm having a bad day. Go ahead, finish your salad; you don't want to hear my problems.
Man in diner: Probably not.
Jesse: My problem is my family. Driving me nuts, so I blew up at 'em. See, I finally got a shot at a record deal, but I gotta come up with a really great song, and they're all mad because I'm not going to some stupid picnic.
Man in diner: Picnic? They going to have barbecue there?
Jesse: I guess so. But, uh, I don't have time for that, you know? My whole career is on the line.
Man in diner: Well why aren't you home working on the record?
Jesse: Well, I'm practically finished; I just, uh, you know, I came out for a cup of coffee.
Man in diner: You got nothing, do you, boy.
Jesse: Well, a little song about a turtle and a duck. Not really top forty, though. You want to know what my real problem is?
Man in diner: Yeah, lay it on me.
Jesse: See, I got twins coming. I want 'em to be proud of their old man. I want to be a success, you know? That's why I've been working so hard. I want 'em to look up and see platinum records on the wall.
Man in diner: Babies don't care about platinum records. All they care about is if their daddy loves them; if he's there to hug and kiss 'em. Shame on you for snapping at your family. Over a picnic.
Jesse: Yeah. I also broke a promise to my four-year-old niece.
Man in diner: Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that. I mean, you're so busy chasing your pot of gold; you're forgetting what's really important. If you want to be a success, then you be a good father, a good husband, a good friend. After that, it's all gravy. Ooh, that sounds good. (to the waiter) Hey, son, throw some gravy on this salad, will you?
Jesse: That all makes a lot of sense. Thanks a lot. I don't... I don't know why I dumped all this on you. I feel like I know you or something. Let me, uh, let me buy your meal, huh?
Man in diner: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Jesse: I swear, the way you said, "Thank you. Thank you very much.," you remind me so much of...
Man in diner: I know. Wayne Newton.
Jesse: Thanks a lot. You have a nice night.
Man in diner: Listen, son. It's kind of cold out there. You might need this. (puts a scarf around Jesse's neck) Now, you take care of business.

everybody except Jesse is in the woods, in front of the van, which has broken down...
DJ: I hope they can fix the van.
Stephanie: What if they can't? What if we're stuck here forever?
Joey: All right, Danny. I think I got it. Give it a try.
Danny: Aw, Joey. All right! We did it! We got the hood open! Oh man! No wonder we broke down. It's filthy under here.
DJ: We're in big trouble.
Stephanie: Somebody's coming.
Michelle: I hope it's the ice cream man!
Jesse arrives on a motorcycle, and everyone cheers
Becky: Honey, what are you doing here?
Jesse: Gonna meet you guys at the picnic. Something wrong with the van?
Danny: Yeah, the engine's filthy. Come on; have a look for yourself.
Jesse: Oh, Joey, give it a start, okay?
the engine starts
The Girls: All right! Yeah!
Jesse: All right, turn it off. It was a loose distributor cap.
Joey: Which you never would have found if I hadn't got the hood open.
Jesse: Guys, you'll never guess who I met today in the diner.
Danny: Who?
Jesse: This guy, he looked exactly like... Wayne Newton. but, uh, we got to talking, and, um, I'm sorry I snapped at you guys today. Just got so wrapped up in this record deal, you know, riding around on my high horse, that I forgot about the things that are important to me in my life. And that's the people I love - you guys. So, uh, I hope you can forgive me.
Kimmy: Oh, of course I can forgive you. (Kimmy hugs Jesse)
Danny: You can let go now, Kimmy. Jess, don't be so hard on yourself. We know the kind of pressure you've been under.
Michelle: No we don't.
Jesse: Oh, come on, Michelle. Won't you forgive your Uncle Jesse?
Michelle: Your name is Uncle Meanie.
Jesse: Your still mad at me, huh?
Michelle: Duh!
Jesse: I deserve a "duh!" Sorry I let you down, kid.
Michelle: You yelled, and you broke a promise.
Jesse: Well, if it makes you feel better, I felt terrible all day.
Michelle: That helps a little.
Jesse: All right, then how 'bout this. You and I, we're going to enter that race, and we are going to win, and we are going to have the most fun we've ever had in our whole life. How do you like that?
Michelle: That helps a lot!
Jesse: All right, munchkin. Come on! Give me a little love...
Danny walks towards them, holding a flash light.
Danny: Excuse me, everything okay here?
Jesse: Yes officer
Danny: Okay, that's it then. Why don't we go, everybody in the van!

Back at the house, we find Danny polishing a cup
DJ: Dad, haven't polished that long enough? You're starting to wear off the inscription.
Danny: But I'm just so darn proud of you guys. It was almost a total sweep. We took the balloon relay and the three legged race. Too bad about the pie eating contest, huh.
Becky: Danny, we're really sorry we let you down.
Joey: Hey, who had known when aunt Phyllis took out her dentures like that, that she could put down a pie that fast.
Jesse walks up from the basement.
Jesse: Hey everybody come down to the studio. I want you to check out this new tune.
The Rippers are in Jesse's studio, and Jesse is leading the family down the stairs...
Jesse: All right, guys, it's the world premiere of this tune. I don't know if the record company's gonna like it, but I'm very proud of it. I'll tell you something; I, um, couldn't have done it without you guys. It goes a little something like this...
the Rippers are in Jesse's studio, and Jesse is leading the family down the stairs...
Jesse: All right, guys, it's the world premiere of this tune. I don't know if the record company's gonna like it, but I'm very proud of it. I'll tell you something; I, um, couldn't have done it without you guys. It goes a little something like this...
Jesse and the Rippers start to sing the song, "Just a Little More Love"
Jesse: (singing) Sometimes, you lose your place... And all you're searchin' after Is right before your face... Ridin' on your high horse, Believin' your own lies, Don't you now when everyone is kneeling, We're all the same size... Just a little more love is all we're hopin' for... Just a little more peace is all we need... Take away the colors, don't you understand, it...All breaks down to the heart of the matter...
Girl Singers: (singing) Whoa... whoa...
Jesse: (singing) All one, think how strong we'd be If you and me give a little more love.
Girl Singers: (singing) Ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh...
Jesse: (speaking) Break it down!Jesse and a member of the Rippers perform a drum solo
Jesse: (singing) Take away the colors, don't you understand, it... All breaks down... (speaking) It all breaks down to the heart, child...
Girl Singers: (singing) Heart of the matter... All one...
Jesse: (singing) All one, think how strong we'd be If you and me give a little more love.
Girl Singers: (singing) Ah... ah...
Jesse: (singing) It ain't that tough to give a little more love... Take away the colors, don't you understand... How strong we'd be If you and me give a little more love.
Girl Singer # 1: (singing) Love, lo-ove.

***End***

Guest Cast:
Man in diner: Pete Wilcox

Script edited by: Mark J. Saia & Martin van Dam (added a missing scene)
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever